The Diary of a Dessert Lover

He said, "I Love you"

2010-02-18T23:09:00.003-05:00

Remember my post where I was worried that LeBlanc did not love me, or feel as strongly about me because he has never said, "I love you" to
me? And my wonderful readers assured me that I was worrying and moping over nothing.

Different people have different ways of expressing how they care. And I was learning that my definition of "love" was probably LeBlanc's equivalent of "really like."

I haven't written much lately, it's been crazy busy, and my blog has just taken a back seat to my life. But I feel as if I am falling even deeper in love with LeBlanc. Our weekends consists of cuddling on the
couch watching old episodes of Criminal Minds. Then going grocery shopping and making food together. We've made some elaborate dinners, and even hosted LeBlanc's parents a few weekends ago! LeBlanc made an out-of-this-world soup, and I will be judging all future soups to this benchmark!

Sometimes, LeBlanc and I venture out of the cozy house (and outside a 300m radius) and head for some exploring. This is a rare occasion since it's so cold! Actually this winter in Toronto is pretty mild, but I just like to complain! It's fun :)

A few weeks ago, LeBlanc and I spent another lazy weekend together. And then we talked a bit on the phone before I went to bed. LeBlanc was heading out of town for business and catching the 7AM flight out the next morning for the week, and I knew I was going to miss him.

As I wake up groggy on Monday morning, I see a text waiting for me. From LeBlanc.

Hey. Hope you're sleeping. I just wanted to tell you that I think I love you... Kiss kiss. Talk to you tmr...

I think I re-read that text a million times - not to mention I was grinning like an idiot the entire day at work (and re-reading the text, again and again and again!).

I got up and did my work out, then called LeBlanc before he left on his flight. And I tell him that I love him, too. And he responds with "I love you, too." It was our first "I love you" exchange.

Last weekend, as LeBlanc and I are about to go to sleep, I ask,
"Do you still love me?"

LeBlanc says, "Yes. What do you mean by still?"

I say, "You haven't changed your mind, right?"

LeBlanc says, "Of course not. I love you, Des."

I know that was probably silly of me to ask. I just felt like I had to make sure. Then again, unicorns did not magically appear by the bedside. And come to think of it, I think that I was loved all along. Because I feel so happy just thinking about him.

PS. Sorry if this post was so mushy that you wanted to puke. :P

2010 Goals

2010-01-01T22:24:00.001-05:00

Lame? Cliche?

Perhaps, but I think that one should always strive to improve themselves, and what better way than to write them down?

Writing down things helps me see more clearly what I want. It is more difficult for me to come up with a long term goal, but breaking the large goal down to smaller parts makes it both more attainable and also helps me see more clearly what comprises my long term goals in life.

I decided to break down my life into different parts, and figure out what I would like to achieve.

These are some of my short term goals.

1) Professional

I would like to be promoted to the next position and gain more experience in the field. I would also like to explore different venues of income streams, such as taking a course in Canadian Securities course. I would also like to take a continuing education course or interest course, in a Masters program I am considering in pursuing in the near future.

2) Charity

I have volunteered for a community program which mentors kids in my neighborhood. I think it's important for young people to have someone they have fun with and look up to. If I could help a child to realize their potential in society, it would be very rewarding and humbling experience.

3) Personal Food

I want to incorporate more fresh vegetables and fruits into my daily meals. I want to try to be "closer" to my food, and make myself more aware of the things I am putting in my body.

4) Personal Hygiene

I think I have a pretty good personal hygiene regiment, but things can always be improved. I want try weeding out as many chemical products I use on a daily basis, as I can, starting with shampoo and conditioner, and toothpaste.

5) Clothing

I like nice clothes, but I think that I am going to do with less this year. I don't think I can go cold turkey, but I want to set a very minimal clothing budget for this year. (After I get my bag, that is!)

6) Personal Finance

I would like to track my spending every month. I was very vigilant with this earlier on in 2009, but as I got more comfortable with watching my spending, I also got lazy and lost track of my budget. I would like to set individual goals for the different categories of my spending and saving, and stick to a monthly budget of $1000*. I am aiming to save 50% of my take home income.

7) Friends and Family

With so many goals and events happening around me, it's easy to take for granted the people who are constantly there for me, and have supported me throughout my current and previous goals. Everyone has a busier schedule than ever, but I am going to work harder to do little things - like go out for dinner or brunch, or go visit my parents two weekends a month.

*I will be writing a more detailed post of my financial goals, and will also update this budget amount based on my spending in 2009.

What are some of your goals for this year? How do you break down your goals?

A Fine Balance

2009-12-31T22:15:00.001-05:00

Our society is based on an intricate balancing act.

Part of this balancing act is for survival.

Part of it is for the greater good.

Part of it is for greed and personal greed.

We are bombarded with some many images every day of what we should want in our lives and what would make our lives fulfilling. Fancy clothes, fancy house and cars, fancy toys. An education, a good salary and vacations.

But even when we take away the extra's, we are still left with a lot of dependence on society. Our basic needs: shelter, clothing and food cannot be met without the structure of our society. We go the grocery for our food, we buy a house and clothes. And we don't even really know where these things come from.

Where does our food come from? Where does our clothes come from? Where does the materials for our homes come from?

Food

A lot of our food comes pre-packaged and pre-made. There are so many "instant" meals - just add water or microwave. Where do the ingredients come from? What is the quality of the ingredients? What about additives and preservatives? How do they make it?

Basically it comes down to what we are putting in our body. And with the rising obesity rates, this should be a main concern for everyone.

In the past few years, I have been cooking for myself and one of the important things that I have learned is that we are capable of more than we think. And the conveniences of modern day supermarkets has spawned many businesses and products that we have come to depend on only recently. For instance - baking bread, cookies, cakes, soups, pasta, rice, juices, cut vegetables and fruits.

LeBlanc and I love to cook together, and we love to make things that we would otherwise buy. For instance, cottage cheese and dumpling wrappers. And I have to admit, even though we were completely newbies at it, I felt that the food definitely had fresh taste.

Clothes

Most of my clothes have a label thats came from China or a third world country.

I am aware of factories that do not treat their workers right who make clothes for major labels. But it's hard to make the connection between my clothes and people who I don't know. There are people who are suffering due to big labels taking advantage of desperate people in poor countries, but that's not the messages that we are made aware of in our society.

We are so separated from where our clothes came from, that we only see it placed nicely on a shelf with a big "sale" sign next to it. We don't know the rest of the story, and we may never.

Questions

But is it the fine balance that separates the raw materials from our final products that keeps our society running? Keeps the people of our society employed? Is our consumption what keeps the balance in our society?

Conclusions

I think back to my parents and how they sacrificed so much to give me and my sister a good life. In a way, I feel like they almost outsmarted our high consumption society.

How else would my father - working at a factory, be able to support my family (my mom, myself and my 2 sisters)? My mom stayed at home to take care of us, and together my mom and dad paid off their mortgage, and raised us. My sisters and I always had clothes on our backs (though un-stylish), we were always well fed, and most of all - happy.

Goals

To develop my consumer awareness and do my part to get back to the basics. Whether it be through my food, my clothing, or my household items.

Merry Christmas to All and a Happy New Year!!!

2009-12-29T19:00:00.004-05:00

I know that there have been political debates over what is the correct terminology to use this time of the year.

I am sure that schools now are very different than when I was in school.

I went to public schools all my life, and have never been very religious though I consider myself spiritual. I remember when I was elementary school (between kindergarten to grade 5), we would get together in the school gymnasium a week or two before the holidays and sing Christmas carols together. The lyrics would be projected onto a large screen, and a teacher would be playing a piano and/or a guitar or another musical instrument for the musical accompaniment.

I especially remember "The Twelve Days of Christmas" because the grade five's always got to stand up and raise their hands when it got to "five golden rings."

Even though it might have been politically incorrect to sing Christmas carols in a public school, where many of the students are of different religions and backgrounds, as a child, I enjoyed this thoroughly. I didn't see it as a political anything, I just saw it as our school coming together at this special time, and find it sad that it's not done anymore.

So, even though, we are told that we should be wishing everyone a happy holiday to be politically correct, I prefer to wish people a Merry Christmas. It brings a warmer feeling to by heart at this special time of the year.

I hope you all had a very safe and Merry Christmas. I wish everyone all the best in the new year. May happiness find you and your family with many warm wishes from a chilly Canadian gal (moi!). Cheers!

Hair Experiment: Take Three

2009-12-16T21:24:00.000-05:00

Every time I go to my stylist, I am always scolded for washing my hair everyday. It's very harsh on one's hair and working in a mostly office environment, there is simply no need since it doesn't really get that dirty. My hair is oily because my scalp has been trained to produce this much oil.

I started reading more about products I use, and realized the chemicals found in most shampoos are really harsh on the scalp. Essentially they contain very similar ingredients to detergent!

Essentially it's a cycle which I started way back in my elementary school days (I also had super oily skin and broke out a lot). I wash my hair every day, and my scalp is used to producing this amount of oil. The only way out of this cycle is to re-train my hair to produce less oils.

Simple solution, right?

Wrong.

I have attempted this THREE times this year, right now being my third attempt.

Attempt 1:

I was reading FabulouslyBroke's blog and was inspired to jump on the bandwagon of no shampoo. I made my own apple cider vinegar rinse and bought my boar bristled brush. I tried this for a little over a week and gave up. My hair was super oily. Very gross. I couldn't show up to work like this! FAIL.

Attempt 2:

I bought a shampoo (Kiss My Face) that was organic and much more gentle. I decided to try using this every other day and ease myself into the whole washing my hair less deal. This attempt lasted just under two weeks. My hair was still not used to this and looked oily.

Attempt 3:

I have been using the gentle shampoo for about a couple months now, and I felt that I was ready to try this again. I have cheat a little and tie my hair up the second day, and I also wash my bangs. I am no in my fifth week and I look presentable for work! Yippee! I finally noticed my oils decreasing this weekend on the second day!!! So excited!

Conclusion:

I wanted to see this experiment through a 6 to 8 week period, and decide where to go from there. It's hard for me to stop cold turkey on anything. So by easing my way through this, I think it works best, even if it takes longer. In the end, I want to take better care of my hair, and also my wallet. It's a win-win situation which just takes some adjusting to. Will report back results in a few weeks!

What are some of your hygiene habits that you want to kick??? Any experiments that you conduct that you would like to share???

Poor Sucker

2009-12-14T21:15:00.008-05:00

I went to a very technologically savvy school. In other words, I went to a super geeky nerd school where a high volume of my fellow classmates are socially disfunctional.

During my single two years of being single between dating Almond and LeBlanc, I have had my fair share of awkward encounters with socially disfunctional guys. Such is the life of a (female) engineering student.

But this weekend topped it off the stereotypical socially awkward engineer.

Background:

I know A. from one of my co-op terms. He is two years older than me and we used randomly bump into each other at school maybe once a school term. We would have some small chat, and that was it.

I have been out of school for almost 2 years, and him almost 4.

One of the girls, L, at work was in the same graduating class as him. He finds this out and suggests that we all go out for dinner to meet up and catch up. L and I see no harm and we go out for dinner.

That was about a month or two ago, and I haven't thought much of it since. Then out of nowhere, I get this in my inbox yesterday. Bam!

From: A

To: Des
Subject: A favour

December 12 at 10:30am

Hi Des,

I hope all is well with you. Are you looking forward to the holidays?

I am wondering if you could do me a favour. I am interested in your friend from your civil class, Jane*. I have met her a few times when I have spoken to a mutual friend (such as yourself). I often saw her with you, whenever I would run into you. She might recognize my face, but she might not know my name. Do you know what her relationship status is? Any idea if she might be interested in me? Sorry for throwing this at you. I would like to contact her but I don't want to shock her or come across as a creep. This would mean a lot :)

Let me know what you think.

Cheers,

From: Des

To: A
Subject: Re: A favour

December 13 at 6:19pm

Jane has a boyfriend.

From: A

To: Des
Subject: Re: A favour

December 13 at 8:01pm

Thanks for replying.

My first thought, "WTF is wrong with this guy?! And why did he reply back to a rhetorical email?!"

Awkward. Awkward. Awk. Ward.

I don't know this guy very well AT ALL.

The last time he saw my friend was probably THREE years ago.

This e-mail screams "creepy," and saying "I don't want to come across as a creep" doesn't make it any less creepy.

Why would you think this was a good idea?! What could be the best case scenario?

The sad thing is is that A probably spent a really long time mustering the guts to decide to make a move. Then, another chunk of time composing this email. Reading and re-reading. Writing and re-writing it to make it not come across as "creepy." Very ironic.

Conclusion: A part of me feels bad for this guy, another part of me feels that he should have known better. Poor sucker.

*Note: Jane is not her real name.

Disclaimer: This story is based on my experience and my observations as a female engineer in a dominantly male field. I am generalizing based on my experience. There is a bit of tongue and cheek, and this is not meant to offend any male engineers who are not socially awkward. (Besides, if you weren't, there would be no need for this disclaimer in the first place, right?)

;)

Any thoughts on this matter?? How would have you responded to A if you were in my position?? Is it just engineering males??

Mentors and Flashbacks of my Childhood

2009-12-10T21:58:00.005-05:00

I am applying to a volunteer program in my community that is similar to the "Big Brother, Big Sister" program. We are matched up with a youth and we spend three hours together once a week for an entire year.

There are a few reasons I have decided to do this.

1) Having worked for a year and half, I have a better feel for my job, and feel that this is something that I can and want to work into my schedule.

2) I had a lot of good mentors growing up, and they have set me on the path that has brought me to where I am today.

3) I think that everyone can use a good mentor.

4) Kids are bombarded with so many different messages from media every day, that its good to have someone who is real, and ready to share with them their experiences.

5) I truly believe that education is the best gift you can give to yourself. It opens up opportunities that are endless. I want to encourage this thought to the future of tomorrow.

6) I already am a real big sister. I have two little sisters, and since they are all grown up, I can now have another mentee (aka victim).

As a kid, my mentors growing up are my parents and my teachers. For a very long time, I always felt like the awkward kid in class, but I remember my teachers always saw the potential in me.

Even though I was born in Toronto, my family spoke Cantonese at home, and I hardly knew any English when I started kindergarten. I was enrolled in English as a Second Language (ESL) programs until I was in grade 3. I remember kids in my class would make fun of me and call me names like "ching chong."

My mom was always very strict with my school work, and would make sure that my sisters and I were on top of our homework. She would assign additional homework, since she didn't think that we got enough from school. I quickly became the "brainer" in my class, and was also teased and made fun of. "Brainiac" or "smarty pants."

I wore glasses and had bad acne from grade 7 to grade 10, I can assure you that I felt very unattractive for what felt like forever. I'm sure that no boy ever liked me because of this, and I was always afraid to admit (except to my close group of friends) which boy I liked, for fear of the boy reacting with "Ewwwww. Des likes me!"

For anyone who has ever suffered from acne, it's a terrible thing. And even though, it looks bad on the outside, it feels worse on the inside. I had very low self esteem, and I remember wanting to just sleep until it went away. I couldn't even imagine myself without it. Would I finally be pretty without acne?

I started seeing a dermatologist in grade 10, and eventually my acne went away. I started to feel a bit better about how I looked, but I was still very shy and reserved. I was sure that no boy would still like me. I always convinced myself that I would concentrate on school first, and everything else second.

I had great high school teachers whom I still think of today for helping me get where I am today.

Ms. D - She was my teacher for grade 11 and Calculus. She was a wonderful teacher who really cared about her students. She encourages myself and other young women to take control of our financial future, and start saving and investing in our future. I wish that I had listened to her in grade 12, but I guess it's never too lateputting those thoughts to actions.

Ms. C - It was in her class that I learned to combine class lectures with text books stuff. I also learned to ask for help when I needed it. A lot of kids in my class didn't like her because she was tough, and gave her a hard time. Bullying could happen to anyone and it is never acceptable.

Mr. S - He used to be a student at my high school and was a complete genius. He went off to university on a full scholarship, and became a published researcher during his graduate studies. He decided that this wasn't the thing for him, and pursued a teaching degree and started doing what he loved - teaching high school physics. He would make up crazy, entertaining test questions involving Gingerbreadman and Secret Agent 001 (himself), and do fun projects in class.

In high school, I worked part time on weekends at McDonald's and saved every penny towards college tuition. I also tutored several nights a week for classmates, younger students, etc, and pu that money towards my college tuition fund. My parents are poor, and I was scared shitless that I wouldn't have enough money to go to school, and have to work my entire life at a dead end job.

After working for 3 summers, all my part time work combined, I saved about $14,000. Enough to cover me for 1 year! I applied to an engineering school with a Co-op program which allowed me to alternate 4 months of school with 4 months of work after my first year. My work terms were also a great opportunity to sample various civil engineer fields.

College was a great time for me. It wasn't just the schooling, but meeting so many new people who are also like me. They might have been the "nerds" in their class, and been teased the same way I was for being "smart" or wearing glasses. The classes were definitely more challenging, and I was learning all the math and physics I could possible want (my 2 favourite subjects in high school!).

I am very lucky to have been touched by so many mentors. I hope that through my volunteer work, I can be a good mentor to a little girl with some big dreams. And share with her some of my experiences and help her reach her dreams.

Performance Review

2009-12-08T21:32:00.003-05:00

It went well!

My manager thinks that I will be ready for a promotion very soon. I am excited to be taking on more responsibility, learning new things and earning more money.

I've been working for a year and a half now. I feel very thankful for still having a job during these tough economic times, and having a job that I look forward to.

Talking to my manager about my future, I start to feel more like a career woman. I no longer feel like a student, and I am thinking more long terms towards what I would like to be doing. It's both an exciting feeling, and a bit overwhelming.

It's funny, when I was little, my parents always were very strict with me regarding my studies. They didn't want me to struggle financially, as they have. Never would I have imagined that this career stuff would be more of a journey, than simply a destination.

True, I graduated from engineering school, and started working as an engineer. However, the work doesn't stop there. And I feel that path is still not chosen, yet. Having got a college education, I feel has been the major step in opening up many doors to career opportunities.

This is just the beginning, and I am so thankful that my parents were such great role models and guided me on the right path.

Des's Financial Journey

2009-12-04T20:29:00.008-05:00

Last summer, I started my financial journey as a full time engineer fresh out of school. I moved out of my parent's house and have been living on my own ever since.

This January, I had saved enough to pay off all of my $8000 in student loans I had accumulated during my studies.

After that, I had a net worth of just under $10,000.

I have been on a financial journey this year to learn more about my finances, and how I can work towards a future of financial freedom. I don't need a lot of money in my life, what makes me happy are the simple things.

I enjoy spending time with my family, friends, and now my wonderful boyfriend, LeBlanc.

I love to cook, and I love playing volleyball.

I always seek to learn new things, whether it be through taking a course, reading a book, or just experimenting with new things.

I am learning to live a more minimalistic lifestyle. Basically living with less, but better. I try to apply this principle in the various aspects of my life. I try to live below my means, but still enjoy the things that are important to me, by compromising on things that are secondary.

Growing up in a family where money was always tight, I've grown up watching my parents save every penny. The most important lessons I've learned from my parents is to alway live below my means, and that materials items aren't the things that really matter in life.

Here is a glimpse into my bank account over this year to date.

My Savings

My savings have grown from $5000 (lump sum) to $12,429. I have divided that amount into different sub funds, as follows:

Emergency Fund $5880

Travel Fund $1535*

Freedom Fund $4009

General Savings $1005

*I took out $1400 earlier this year for my trip to Europe with LeBlanc

My Retirement Savings

My retirement savings is split between my ING account and an account with Manulife where I have company matching from my work. I started by putting $1000 into my ING account in January in the Streetwise Balance Fund, and have been making monthly contributions.

In April, I started investing $200 directly from each paycheck into my Manulife account into mostly index funds, and hence, decreased my contribution into my ING account. I started investing more money into my Manulife account because my contribution was not taxed, and my take home pay was almost the same.

Altogether, I have saved $11,003 in my RRSP's so far, as follows:

ING Streetwise Balance Fund $7260

Manulife Account $3743

Investments

At the beginning of this year, I was a little overwhelmed by learning about RRSP's, index funds, savings, etc. However, about a month ago, I felt that I wanted to try my hand at investing in individual stocks. I opened up a Tax Free Savings Account (TFSA) and deposited $5000 in it to "play" with.

I invested in 3 stocks that I wanted to hold for long term: Birkshire Hathaway, Loblows and Rona.

Sometimes my stocks go up, and sometimes they go down. The highest balance I held was at $5260 last week, and this week it went down to $5045. I know this is all part of riding the market, and it's too soon to tell. Will report back in 6 months time.

In my checking account: $4780.

My total net worth today is: $33,257

I have one more paycheck this year, with expenses it will be $1445 and an additional RRSP deposit with company match of $470. For a potential balance of $35,172!!!

I have already paid my rent for this month and have about 3 weeks left of expenses in the year. I am so excited!!

Being realistic, I still haven't gotten gifts for my parents and LeBlanc. I don't usually exchange gifts with my friends and sisters, though we go out for lunch or dinner, instead. I also want to treat myself for doing a great job learning about my finances and working hard to stick to a budget. Reasonbly, I am looking at a year end balance of $34,500 after my normal expenses and some holiday expenses.

This is what I have in mind for my treat!

I love MAC makeup and I have been looking to buy some good brushes for a while now. They always have great deals during the holiday season (this set is for $58!), since these brushes usually cost at least $35 each, if you buy them individually full sized.

I love this sweater dress from ModCloth.com! Unfortunately they are out of stock and there is a $20 shipping charge to Canada! Ouch! So, I am looking for a super soft, preferably cashmere sweater that I can snuggle up in while looking effortlessly chic.

Note: I am NOT a financial advisor, and these are stories from my experience. Please consult your financial advisor when seeking advice on your investments and financial decisions.

How is your financial journey going??? What are some of the financial goals you have accomplished this year???

Pet Peeve: GreyPower Ad

2009-12-02T19:58:00.005-05:00

I really loathe this ad. I don`t watch tv that much, but even in the short amount of tv time, this ad manages to show itself at every commercial break! It`s annoying and belittling! I can`t believe its has been allowed to air for so long!

As a woman, I find it sexist.

Even though they claim to be providing lower insurance premiums for middle age drivers, when I watch the ad this is what I hear:

We will provide you with a low insurance premium if you are a middle aged male.

I woman, I am offended and will never buy insurance from Grey Power. If they really wanted to enforce that they are specifically providing insurance for middle aged individuals, then why didn`t they use a teenager in the ad, instead of a forty something year old woman.

Newsflash 1: Men do not significantly buy more driving insurance than women. There is only about 5 - 7% more men with driving insurance than women. With this ad, they are potentially losing almost half their customer pool. (From a discussion with a friend who does research at an insurance company.)

Newsflash 2: Generally, women tend to outlive men. In Canada, the life expectancy of men is about 79 years old and the life expectancy for women is 84 years old. And I can assure you that when I reach my middle age and further, I will not be insured by Grey Power.

Consider that more and more women are driving, and 80% of American women over the age of 65 are still operating a vehicle.

It seems to be me a very sexist and ageist ad that is discriminating against people. Just because you are a middle aged male does not make you a good driver. I am not saying that women are great drivers , or they driver better - that depends on the person. But it seems this ad is saying that middle aged men are better drivers and deserve a better rate than the rest of society.

When I was driving to work yesterday, some male bozo did the exact same thing this lady in the ad did. It was morning rush hour, and he felt it was necessary to swerve in front of me and cut me off to show that I should be going at 60kph instead of 55 kph. And, as if the 30 second honk did not get the message across, he also waved his hands and made demeaning hand gestures so I could see through his rear windows.

He was a middle aged male. Does he deserve a better premium than me?

What are your thoughts on this ad??? Do you think it is belittling to women or am I just being to sensitive???

Random Quotes from This Week

2009-12-02T19:26:00.005-05:00

I went to get my H1N1 flu shot this weekend. My mom still thinks I`m a little kid and will cry over needles.

Mom: I hope you don`t cry, Des. When I got this needle the other day with your father, I saw a little girl cry because it hurt her so much.

me: How old was this little girl, mom?

Mom: I think 6 or 7 years old.

me: Mom, this little girl (*points to myself*) is twenty five years old.

LeBlanc and I were just hanging out on the couch and my arm was killing me. It. Hurt. So. Much.

me: I`m afraid that if you touch this arm, I will have to kill you.

LeBlanc: That seems fair. I remember when I got my shots, it was very painful.

me: Oh, yea. And I remember punching you in excitement about something. But you didn`t kill me.

LeBlanc: Oh, I`m sure I thought about it.

I decided to bake some cookies this weekend. I usually don`t bake. I love to cook, but I find the chemistry behind baking to be daunting and overwhelming. I bring in the extra cookies to work the next day to share.

Manager: Oh, you bake often, Des?

me: No, not at all. I had to run out to get all the ingredients!

Manager: Like cream of tartar?

me: No. Like flour.

And my manager bursts out laughing!

What are your funny quotes of the week???

The Story of the "L" Plateau

2009-11-25T22:15:00.006-05:00

Thanks for your inspiring comment Greears!

I had some time to think about my "dilemma", and it really is not a dilemma at all. I am very happy, and LeBlanc is wonderful. Yes, in a perfect world, he would be proclaiming his love for me through Disney songs while dancing with the deers , and picking me up for our dates in a carriage that was made from a pumpkin with fairy dust.

But in this world, it's a hug and kiss in the mornings when he's too groggy to even think. Giving me massages. Cooking me dinner. Taking me to a show just because I want to dress up. Asking me for input on his next projects for work, if he's going somewhere far away. I've been greedy, and I admit it.

After LeBlanc and I had the talk, I took sometime and put together this story. As much as I try to be open and honest, there are some times when I am not. I do clam up. But I wanted him to know how I felt and this was pretty much most of what was on my mind after our talk.

"The Story of the 'L' Plateau" by des

Once upon a time, there was a wonderful little boy who liked to do nice things for a certain little girl and make her happy.

Sometimes, he would make her dumplings. Sometimes he would get free coffee from McDonalds in the early AM (drink most of both thier cups, but alas, that is a minor detail). Sometimes, he would take her out for a fancy wine tasting or watch a Cirque du Soliel show, so that she could satisfy her fancy of dressing up. And sometimes, he would give her random massages just because.

One very special day, the little boy bought her a beautiful cardigan sweater and matching cami (great taste,indeed), and wrote a very cute card that was decorated with stars, flowers, hearts and cloud puffs, reading "My life is richer because you're in it." Even though, the little girl was very happy, she had thought the little boy was ready to move the "love" plateau, and her little ego was hurt when the little boy did not come through.

Even though the little boy showed the little girl how he cared through his actions (see above), the little girl was still bothered after that night. She debated whether to tell him or not, and eventually she told him. In a most unattractive, bawling kind of manner.

Afterwards, the little girl and the little boy had a serious talk about the "L" word. The little girl had some time to think about how she handled the situation, and she has concluded this: Even though, she was right to tell the little boy what was going on in her head, and how she felt hurt, she doesnt want to give it more power than it deserves.

The little girl does not think that the little boy is slow at relationships, and thinks he is doing a wonderful job of showing the little girl how much she means to him even though he is not hard wired for being verbally emotive. However, occasionally, the little girl gets a little greedy. and wants verbal confirmation, when in fact, she doesn't really need it.

So, the little girl wants the little boy to know that she is very lucky to have him in her life. She also feels a little silly for having made somewhat of a big kuffufle. When in fact, the little boy shows the little girl how much she means to him, through his actions, everyday, and makes her feel very special and happy.

The little boy and the little girl then ride off into the sunset on pink unicorns who never fart, and they all live happily ever after.

The End.

Retail Therapy

2009-11-22T22:22:00.009-05:00

Sort of. I just ogled these dresses from ModCloth.

*drool*

I don't own many dresses (I blame it on my tom boy-ish engineering ways). But it is never too late to start, ogling. And I just bought a beautiful sweater dress last winter from Banana Republic, and I love how it is so simple to look more put together with a dress :).

These are my picks from ModCloth. Too bad for the $19 shipping to Canada fee. Hmph.

I love the flowers on the neckline and the subtleness of the stripes

I love cowl necks! And I love the simpless-ness with a pop of bubbles.
I love the flowers on the neckline and the simple-ness of the skirt-like bottom.

Again, I love the simple-ness of the black and white. I love the creases at the waist, and the flower at the neckline.

I love the punches of red.
It's a simple cut, and it's more of an office-look.
I love the detail at the waistline and the way the bottom flows out.
I love the simple vibrant blue. I also love the pleats, and the waist band.
I know, another black-and-white. I love the cowl neck and the button detail at the waist.

I love the pattern and shape.
I love the casual and chic look of this sweater. It looks cozy and femine all at once.I'm not usually a fan of the one shoulder-look. But I think this looks so "natural" with the ruffles.

I love the lace at top, and the vibrant blue sash.

I could totally wear this lounging around with tights or skinny jeans tucked in some knee high boots.
Simple black dress, but I love the shape of it. I love thee flutteri-ness of the sleeves and the glittery cinch in the waist.
I'm not sure if I can pull on a strapless, but I love the teal and asymmetrical pleating of this dress.
Again, love the ruffles and the shape of this dress. I feel like I would enjoy an opera more just wearing this dress!
I love how simple this dress is. There is just enough detailing in the sash and bow at the waist to make it pop.

Again, I love how the dress is simple with detailing at the waist and the hem of the dress.
I love the metallic material and the scrunching look at the top tied altogether with a simple black belt.
I love the coziness of this sweater. I wonder how it would look with long sleeves (I always find short sleeved sweaters so strange.)
I love the simpless-ness of this dress. How the pleats pull into the waist, and then flow outwards.

*swoons*

Which ones do you like??? Do you have a dress that makes you feel like a million bucks???

It Bothers Me

2009-11-22T21:42:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure if LeBlanc not saying "I love you" should bother me this much, but it does. A couple times, I was thinking about it since last weekend, and I teared up. Truth be told, it hurt more than I thought it would when I didn't read those words on his anniversary card, last weekend. It was too much to keep inside. I told him, today.

me: I don't want you to say anything that you don't mean. But I wonder when you would be ready to say them, or if you would be. It's been bothering me.

LeBlanc: I don't know, Des. I'm very slow at emotional and relationship stuff. What does that mean to you - love?

me: It would mean that I am someone who is special in your life. Someone you care deeply about. Someone whom you may have a future with, one day.

LeBlanc: You are special to me. Very special. In a good way. And I always looking to spending time with you. And I want to keep spending time with you.

me: What does it mean to you - love?

LeBlanc: I don't know.

Pause.

LeBlanc: I'm not too good at this emotional part. I am very slow at relationship stuff, I think I need to take some time and think.

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to tell LeBlanc how I felt. My original plan was just to leave it until he is ready to say it. However, I think its important that he knows that going on in my head, and something is obviously bothering me. I don't want him to "fix" it and tell me something that's not true.

What do you think?? Would you say something in my position???

Our Anniversary :)

2009-11-17T22:40:00.004-05:00

This weekend, LeBlanc and I celebrated our first anniversary together. We both couldn't believe that it's been a year already since that fateful night.

I wasn't sure if I would be able to spend our anniversary together, so I made LeBlanc a gift basket of some herbal tea, a cologne, special tea cup, and pillows before he went away to Australia.

Last weekend, I reminded LeBlanc that our anniversary. LeBlanc went shopping (shock!) and got me a cardigan and cami - and it fits!

When I was reading his card, I started to cry halfway through. Even though most of it was happy tears, I was also a little sad. When he asked me if they were tears of happiness, I nodded, but that wasn't entirely true. I thought that he might say "I love you," or something to that effect, but he didn't. I haven't said to him since that night.

It's funny, everything he does makes me feel like I am special to him, and that he cares a great deal about me. But I guess I would like the verbal reassurance, as well. I don't really want to bring it up, because I don't want him to feel pressured to say it if he's not ready. At the same time, I feel a little hurt.

Thoughts on Weddings (in general)

2009-11-11T19:03:00.004-05:00

No, LeBlanc and I are not getting married. These are just my thoughts on weddings, in general. Especially after my experience through some of my friends' and co-workers' weddings.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I want a "traditional" wedding, or maybe even any wedding. Coming from a big Asian family, and being the oldest grandchild on my dad's side, I have a fear that my wedding would become some sort of circus show of varying degrees of family politics and having face. Basically, I feel that I have to be putting on a big show. I am also lazy, and am not the type of person to "ooohh" and "aaaah" over flowers, napkins, center pieces, decorations, etc. I don't want to spend a lot of money on things just to put on what I feel is a very expensive show.

Weddings are expensive, and I don't want to spend money on planning an event that is so stressful. Even with just the "basics", usually you still have the following expenses for 50 to 80 guests:

Dress ($500 - $1000)
Hair and make up ($100 - $300)
Venue ($3000 - $7000)
Flowers and decorations ($1000 - $3000)
Photography/videography ($1000 - $2000)
Wedding cake ($300 - $800)

I want to spend money on things that are important to me, and putting on a big show is not. I don't want to be a bride who is simply waiting for her wedding day to be over, because she is so stressed.

Having said all that, this is what I would like, if I were to have a wedding (non big show style).

I would love to have a very small outdoor wedding with about 10 to 12 people. In the fall, in a park with my parents, my sisters and one or two close friends. I would like to do the traditional tea ceremony with my parents. We'd take a few photo's to remember and then take everyone out for dinner afterwards.

No big decorations. No flowers (except maybe a bouquet). No center pieces. No fancy invitations or name cards. No band. No cake. Though I would like a dress. Maybe not a completely traditional western or Chinese one. Maybe one like this.

Just us and the people who mean the most to us.

I am not bashing big weddings, I just know that's not what I want, and its not what makes me happy. This is partly because of the craziness I hear and experience. I just feel that society portrays that as a bride, you get to go crazy because it is your day. You get to be a princess and throw the biggest party because it will make you happy. A beautiful gown. A gorgeous cake. Breath taking flowers. The perfect venue and menu.

Except that when I think of all those things, I feel there is a daunting list of things to plan, to arrange, and to make sure that everyone is happy - and that's what I don't want. It stresses me out.

What are your thoughts on weddings?? Do you want a big wedding or small wedding?? What is the most important part of a wedding for you???

Long Distance Relationship Work and Playful Banter

2009-11-08T21:28:00.008-05:00

I'm not one who is new to long distance relationships. Almond and I had done it several times. As with any relationship, it shouldn't be too difficult, but at the same time, it's not easy. In a nutshell, these are the most important take away points I've learned.

Usually, there is very little time to spend together (i.e. on the phone). You usually see only the best of each other at those times, and would rather not bring up topics that are not so happy. Sometimes, important issues can get swept under the rug because you don't want to waste this precious time you have together. Similarly, these items which get swept under the rug can get pent up and explode into a very ugly situation.

LeBlanc has been away on business in Australia for the past month. Having a 16 hour time difference puts some strain on our relationship. We talked about it before he left, and one of the things we were going to work on was communication and trying to include each other in our daily goings, with a combination of phone calls, texting, and e-mails.

As hard as we both try, one person usually does more of the above than the other. In my case, I felt a little neglected when LeBlanc and I hadn't talked in a few days. I knew that he had been working really long hours, and could just picture that when he came home, he would just collapse into sleep. But still. I wanted a call. I am his girlfriend. I am human. And I am selfish. Hmmph.

I also happened to be having a not-so-great week at work. I was afraid that I would be mad with feelings of pent up neglect by the time LeBlanc finally called, so I texted him a "heads up".

Des: I am feeling neglected.

LeBlanc: Terribly sorry... Meant to call you last night but fell asleep as soon as I got home. What are you up to now?

Des: At work.

LeBlanc then called. It was so great hearing his voice and the anger melted away. I told him about my week, and he told me about his. His project had hit somewhat of a stand-still and he wasn't sure if he would be back in Toronto (his project was originally 7 weeks overseas). I was almost afraid to hope that he'd be back for fear of it not happening.

Anyway, after our brief chat, I went back to work, and he got up to start his day.

I got an e-mail shortly after.

To: Des

From: LeBlanc
Subject: Fwd: Awwww... Poor Piglet

Just wanted to remind you that I do read your messages : )

-- LeBlanc

To: LeBlanc
From: Des

Subject: Re: Fwd: Awwww... Poor Piglet

Thanks :)

I do send a lot of them. I guess I think of you often.

I did feel a little miffed last night and this morning. These if a part of me that is understanding, and a part of me that is not, and sometimes they clash. I just feel how I feel, and figured I should let you know so that I don't explode on you, and squander the little time we do have to talk being mad. I know you are working a lot and long hours, and frustrated about your project. And I don't want to add to your stress, and I hope that I am not.

I hope your project works out, I know how much you were looking forward to it. I am excited for you! And I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

*kiss*

-- Des

To: Des

From: LeBlanc
Subject: Fwd: Awwww... Poor Piglet

That e-mail made me smile a lot... especially on the inside.

I hope that's what you were going for.

-- LeBlanc

Then the playful text banter. My favourite part!

Des: I probably should have added in the e-mail that patience is not one of my virtues.

LeBlanc: It's OK... Luckily, I'm a wonderful person.

Des: Yes, as wonderful as your are modest.

LeBlanc: Yes... Lots of both. (Said with a smile).

Des: Sounds perfect. Now you only need a spice rack*.

*Inside joke. I was impressed with this guy my friend is dating because he has a spice rack in his apartment. Lame, I know.

Update: LeBlanc came back yesterday afternoon! Hooray! And he brought a little friend for me, Mr. Koala aka Mr. K.**

**This is not an actual picture of Mr. K, but he does look very similar.

What are your experiences with long distance relationships? And what words of wisdom do you have to share about you long distance experience?

Too Much Apologizing?

2009-10-28T19:53:00.003-04:00

I'm the type of person who will be ridden with guilt, if you tell me that I've hurt your feelings, or hurt you in any way. I will feel absolutely terrible. I will rack my brains trying to retrace all steps that led to this situation, and I will apologize for absolutely everything that I can think of that has led to this. Then, I will beat up on myself for not having realized it soon. That's a pattern that I've noticed in the last few years.

It's true what they say, "It's a lot easier making friends than keeping them."

This weekend, I went out with a bunch of friends from my college class - kinda like a little class reunion of the "FOB" group. I wasn't particularly close to most people in the group, but we often studied together and hung out during college. The one person I was closer to in the group, J, seemed to be upset at me.

Just the distant kinda feeling, where even though it's been a while, they are not as super excited to see you as you are them. Ouch. She wasn't rude, or anything, but when I suggested we get together, she didn't say much.

I remember when Almond and I were on the verge of breaking up, he said something like, "I'm tired of always being the one who apologizes." I guess that's how I feel now.

J and I have had 2 major fights where I felt like I was fighting more than I should be for our friendship.

Example 1:

I went on exchange to Singapore with a classmate, P. We were all friends, and there was obviously chemistry and something going on between her and P. What I didn't know what that P had a gf in another city. Upon knowing this, and knowing that J and P's gf deserved better, I tried to convince J that this was a bad idea, but also tried not to judge her.

J and P try to do the "just friends" thing for a while, and J ends up getting hurt even more.

Fast forward to Singapore, P is the only person I know there. Even though I felt like I hated his guts for what he did to my friend, I can't explain to you the relief of a familiar face in a foreign country. So we start hanging out sometimes, though I did eventually meet new friends.

I also met P's gf (Note: They had broken up but had previously made plans to go on exchange to the same school in Singapore. Awkward.), and we hung out sometimes. I found out that she was actually a very cool person, and we had a ton in common, so we became friends. I told J that we were friends, but I didn't really go into much detail since I knew that J saw her as "the enemy." Even though there was a time difference of 12 hours or so, and we didn't talk as frequently, I felt that J had started giving me the cold shoulder.

After much prodding, I find out that she's actually de-friended me on Facebook, and has indeed been purposely giving me the cold shoulder. She said that she felt that I had betrayed her by being friends with P's ex gf.

I spent the next week trying to explain myself, that it was not my intention to betray her and I was still her friend. As an exchange student, you meet all the exchange students, and she was just someone I had a lot in common with. I never would have brought what happened between her and P up, or discuss it with her. This apology went on for almost a month, and things were still a little awkward when I came back from exchange, until she felt that she could trust me, again. Even last year, when I saw her MSN status as: "Why would you be friends with someone who hurt me?" when she found out that we had gone out for dinner.

I felt that I was always there for J when she was going through the P ordeal. But I never saw that P's ex gf had hurt her. If anything, P and J should have known better. But I still don't see anything wrong being friends with someone whom I click with. At the end of it, J believed me that I didn't mean to hurt her, and accepted my apology. But on hindsight, was there really a need for me to defend myself and my loyalty to her that much? Did I really need to apologize and practically beg for forgiveness? I don't know, but I did because I thought her friendship was really important to me.

Example 2:

Last year, we were all planning our graduation trips. Though, I'm no world traveler, I've done my share of traveling, and have a few suggestions / pointers when asked.

I lived in Boston for 4 months, and have traveled to New York City NY, Cleveland OH, Houston TX and some neighboring states. I also went on exchange in Singapore for 4 months and visited various cities in Malaysia, Cambodia, Vietnam, Indonesia and Thailand.

Mostly, I have backpacked through out and explored with my group of friends. The Lonely Planet Guides were awesome. (Not the best thing out there, but definitely very practical.) My friends and I (including LeBlanc) stayed in hostels and guest houses, took buses/ subways or taxi's to get around.

I was often surprised at how there was always some way to communicate, whether it be pointing at a map, using a hand gestures, or speaking a little broken dialect from one of our backgrounds. It felt like there was some sort of global connection anywhere we went. After these trips, I strongly believe that with a little research, everyone can plan their trip to almost anywhere in the world, and tailor it to their style and budget.

So when I heard that J's graduation trip was joining a Contiki tour to see Europe in 2 weeks, I kinda knew how it would be like, and how much she would probably enjoy it. She was seeing about 7 countries in 2 weeks. I knew it would be mostly travel time, and spending maybe only a few hours at each site before rushing to the next site, or a hotel. But when I tried to explain this to her when she asked for my opinion, she only saw it as me putting down her trip and being unsupportive.

We have a tight group (four of us) and what I didn't realize was that she had told my other two friends who basically saw it the same way she did, but also empathized with her, i.e., big bully Des picking on little J who was so helpless. I'm serious. It was only when I was getting the cold shoulder from one of the two other friends that I was confused.

Again, I apologize for hurting J's feeling even though I had done it with the best of intentions. And I knew that when she came back from the trip that she felt that it was just going from one site to the next. It's never a simple apology, I always feel like I need defend myself and prove to her that I'm a good friend despite the mishap.

Fast forward to now-ish. She's been busy with her life, and I've been busy with mine. I try to keep in touch via e-mail or a phone call every so often to see how she is doing. But when my e-mails go unanswered and my phone calls go unreturned, I feel it is rude, and am a little peeved myself. She also cancelled out last minute on a few plans, and I guess I just feel ditched. I try to be understanding and shake it off, but I feel how I feel.

So at this dinner thing, I suggested we do something, and she said, "Well, the last time we did something was for your birthday." I think she was mad that I kinda forgot about hers. I guess she has a right to be mad, but it's way too late now. And I just don't feel like apologizing and fighting for our friendship. Again.

It's not that I have a problem with apologizing, it's just that it doesn't end with the apology. I feel like there are so many loops to jump through afterwards. To once again prove that I am a good friend.

Obviously I make mistakes, but so does everyone else. And so does she. She has hurt me before, but I don't make her feel bad about it for weeks or months at a time. J was supposed to go on exchange to Singapore, as well. We made plans for it, for almost a year. I was looking forward to spending 4 months abroad with my friend. The week we are about to leave, she changes her mind and cancels. When she first told me, I was devastated and angry. I was really disappointed.

But I thought that our friendship was more important than this trip, so when she apologized, I accepted her apology and made the effort to get together before I left. I wanted to let her know that I was mad when she first told me, but I was trying to understand and I wasn't mad anymore. Though I did wish she would be there to share all the fun with me, and would miss her.

I'm not trying to measure "sizes of mistakes" or anything, but on hindsight, that was a huge dissappointment for me, but I wasn't mad for long, nor did I want to make her feel bad. I mean, forgiving a friend is easy. But I feel like when I do something that has wronged her, it's always so much to get her forgiveness.

Is this bad??? I do feel awful, but I also just feel tired of it. I shouldn't have to keep proving myself every time, right???

So Cute :)

2009-10-19T22:13:00.005-04:00

LeBlanc and I went to see the Cirque du Soleil performance of Ovo last weekend.

He got last minutes tickets for us and we weren't able to sit together. He was in seat 9 and I was in seat 11 (or something like that). It turns out that we were at the "aisle/walkway" seats. So no one was between us, but there was a walkway between us.

I was completely engrossed in the show -- it was fabulous, by the way. Those people are made out of rubber!

At half time, we head out to stretch our legs.

LeBlanc: You know, if you had moved your foot a little to the left, I could touch your feet.

me: Huh?

LeBlanc: You were sitting so straight, and I was trying to reach over and touch your feet, but it was too far.

me: Ohhhh. That's so cute!

After half time, I made sure that my foot was a little bit in the "aisle way", and when LeBlanc reached his foot over, our feet touched. So, even though we didn't get to sit next to each other to enjoy the show, we enjoyed it with our feet touching in the aisle. And I think it's even more romantic than him having his arm around me.

Kissing

2009-10-18T21:14:00.004-04:00

"Eight out of ten women believe that the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship." -- Hitch, 2005

Kissing is important. To say the least. It's how we can express our emotions to each other. Whether they be tender, lustful, sad, desperate, mysterious, angry. Whether it's our first kiss, or not. A kiss on the cheek, forehead, nose, lips, neck or any other body part...

I have mentioned before that LeBlanc and I were friends. We had a common group of friends of the people we traveled with while on exchange in Singapore. He always seemed like a nice guy, but he seemed so carefree and goofy all the time, that I never really saw any other side of him.

One of the things that struck me about LeBlanc was the way he kissed me.

I'm thinking back to our first date, when what I thought I knew about him changed.

It was the way he kissed me, and the way he took his time to build up to the kiss. In a slow-flirtatious-shy kind of manner. Tracing his fingers along the length of my arm, and massaging my neck and shoulders. Tickling me. Holding me close, and then waiting for me to go the last bit.

From this kiss, I felt like I was seeing a completely new LeBlanc. Not the LeBlanc who leads our travel group on our crazy adventures, or the LeBlanc who does the silly things (like wear his underwear...). No, this was a LeBlanc who was gentle and sexy, and sensitive to me. His kisses were soft, gently, and teasingly. And it felt so good.

Even though I love all sorts of kisses. One of my favourites would have the be the forehead kiss. There's just something so sweet and simple about being kissed on the forehead. One time, it was before LeBlanc was leaving for Norway, and we went to his parents' for dinner. The taxi was going to pick him up at his parents, so we didn't really have a private farewell. We were standing in front of the taxi, his little brothers were watching. I gave LeBlanc a quick hug, and he held me for a moment and planted a kiss on my forehead.

How do you like to be kissed?? Would a guy have a chance if he didn't kiss well?? Would there be a point of a second date, if the kiss didn't go well???

Blah...

2009-10-15T22:09:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I got an email from someone I considered a good friend telling me she now realizes that our friendship is no longer a priority for me. It was a long and drawn out process, she told me, but she said she's glad that she realizes it now, and basically doesn't care.

A series of events have led to this path, and I am sorry to say that I have neglected my friends while LeBlanc and I have been dating. Except that I never really saw it as neglect until we chatted about it yesterday. It was hard to swallow that a group of my friends who I was once closer to, has felt for some time that they are my back up friends when LeBlanc is not around.

I wish someone had told me, but I guess it was something that I should have known. I just honestly thought that everyone was busier with their lives, and that it wasn't a big deal, if I don't make all the outings. But I guess I just missed one too many.

It kinda sucks. I feel like posting up the conversation, but I don't have the energy to post it now. I just want to go to sleep for a few days, and wake up feeling less rotten than I do, now.

Have you done this before?? Any words of wisdom to pass along??

New Standards

2009-10-12T16:42:00.003-04:00

My girl friend, B and I went our for dinner last Friday night.

Throughout dinner, we talked about the usual: work, goals, money, boys.

B was just starting to see someone new, and I wanted to only know ALL the juice. As she spilled the beans, and we proceeded to pick this guy apart. We realized that the things we are looking for in a potential partner have changed a lot. From when we were in our high school days, to even our college days (and we only graduated last year -- 2008!).

One of the things that stood out about this new guy, lets call him "D", was that he had a spice rack in his condo. Imagine that, we were both so impressed with this spice rack, whereas a couple years ago, I could really care less.

I guess it's not so much the spice rack, but what it could mean for both B and I. To me, it means that he is somewhat of a cook, and takes pride in his culinary skills. He doesn't have to be an Iron Chef, but I can picture that he might cook me delicious meal on a date in, or be able to take care of himself (and hence, perhaps me!)and eat fairly yummy food .

We went through our list of what qualities qualify and which ones gets boys axed. I think this reflects not only our personalities, but also where we are in life, and what we have now come to expect in terms of quality of life.

We have both come to agree that "love is not enough."

In addition to attraction and caring for someone, which are important. But just as important would be to have similar life goals, similar views on finances, similar culture (and I don't mean the same race), respect of individuality. I would like my guy to be ambitious, but also financially stable.

1) Similar life time goals

I'm not sure what my ultimate goal is, but I would like to live a life that is relatively simple (minimal material possession) and be able to help others who are less fortunate than myself. I want to be able to contribute to sustainable development, whether it be through my work, or through other experiences.

2) Similar views on finances

I see money as a tool to live a lifestyle that is in line with my beliefs. I don't believe that we need a lot of material possessions to lead a full filling life, and I don't want to spend my money on the upkeep of things that do not add value to my life. However, I do see money as a tool to free myself from things that I do not want to do, and pursue my own interests. For instance, nto having to work at a job I do not like simply to pay the bills.

3) Similar respect for culture

My background is Chinese and I was born in Toronto. I think I am very open to new ideas and new cultures, and I think that it is important that my guy also has similar thinking. Whether it be heading out for a night of Indian food, or supporting the Gay Pride Parade.

4) Respect of individuality

I want to be trusted and respected for the decisions that I make. We may discuss it together; however, we may not always agree. This may be a big decision like going back to school, or studying abroad, or maybe a small decision, like buying an expensive pair of shoes (after saving up, of course!).

5) Ambitious and financially stable

Since I am an ambitous person, I find it attractive that my guy is also in the same boat. He doesn't have to super love his job, but he should be proud of what he does, and always aim to improve his skill set and always seek to learn. This was something that I found really unappealing about Hagan Daaz. He was super happy that he could watch 4 episodes of House at work...Yeaa...

I am no gold digger, and don`t think I have super expensive tastes. However, I refuse to support someone who does not try to help themselves. I worked hard to get where I am now, and no one is going to mooche off me. My guy should also be responsible for his finances, and be able to take care of himself, and maybe have some investments. Again, I am not asking for something in a guy that I don`t already do myself.

To summarize, the bar has been raised since my first dating days in high school. However, I think that I myself, have also raised the bar for myself. I hold myself to the same standards that I am looking for. I think that`s fair.

My Outfit

2009-10-06T21:17:00.008-04:00

LeBlanc and I are going to one of his high school buddy's wedding, and I'll be his guest! I'm so excited - to dress up, and of course, to dress LeBlanc up. teehee.

Side rant:

My aunt from Houston is visiting for about 3 weeks. She usually visits twice a year for that amount of time. It seems that during these visits, we are obligated to put aside our lives for the 3 weeks, and go out every weekend. That's the thing with Chinese families. They are always so big, and there are always so many occasions to remember. This is sort of one of those times. And if you don't, you are guilt tripped that you don't care about your family. Sigh.

Anyway, I had promised LeBlanc I would go way back in August, and I am really looking forward to this! So, I am going to have to put up with the guilt tripping, and suck it up. I love my family, but sometimes, there are just too many occasions to keep up with.

So, this is the dress I have in mind. I think I can wear this to both the ceremony and reception. Maybe throw a shawl over it at the ceremony. I never know what to do about accessories. Any feedback and suggestions would be much appreciated.

My dress.

My shoes.

My accessories (green shiny earrings and my Movado watch).

Any suggestions for accessories?? No necklace right?? I'm always afraid I'll look overdone... Help!!

Please Punch Me in the Face if I'm Annoying

2009-09-30T20:36:00.009-04:00

I want my guy to punch me in the face if I'm annoying. Figuratively speaking, of course.

I was reading this post from Loayza from Become a Young Successful Entrepreneur. This is a post where he talks about how he determined his girlfriend was the one.

An important point he brought up was to be able to have a fight with his girlfriend. He says that it shows that he cares enough to get into an argument with her. Which raises a very good point for me.

When Almond and I were dating, we hardly every fought (for almost 5 years!). True, we were both very easy going people, but sometimes, I would just get annoyed and snap. But, Almond would not.

If I got annoyed, Almond would try calm me down or try to rationalize with me. But he would never lose his cool with me. If he got mad, he would rather be alone until the anger passed.

I know that different people deal with anger or feelings, in general, differently, but this really bothered me. It bothered me especially more towards the end of our relationship, when I felt like I had to yell or cry just to be heard, and Almond was always as cool as a cucumber.

I really wanted Almond to just get mad at me. To yell at me. For some reason, I felt like this "calm facade" was a shield for him not to reveal his raw emotions to me, and that I wasn't worth the effort to fight.

I did know part of the reason behind this behavior. Almond's parents fought a lot. Almond said that he hated the idea of yelling at me, or losing his temper. He said that he didn't see why we couldn't just speak calmly. He didn't see what yelling or fighting would get accomplished.

For me, this was a main contributor to why we didn't work out. Even though, Almond had his alone moments to sort through his thoughts, he never told me the things that bothered him about me.

It all came out in verbal diarhea that had been suppressed for almost 5 years, after we broke up. Random thoughts that were suppressed that he held against me like a grudge, blaming me for not knowing, because I should have known.

Should have known how he really felt about going to Japan, when he told me it was OK.

Should have known how mad he was when I gave him wrong directions my first week at my new house.

Should have known that he didn't want banana and strawberry smoothies.

And yes, these were the exact examples he brought up! But not once, had he actually told me when we were together. When he was in fact, fuming with anger inside. Men.

And so that concludes my previous experience of having fights in my past relationships. Fast forward to now.

LeBlanc and I haven't had a big fight, yet. There have been annoyances - some bigger than others. Sometimes, I can be annoying, and I can read the signs. Sometimes LeBlanc gets up and physically removes himself from situation because he is annoyed, and he thinks he will snap at me if he doesn't. Sometimes, it is my fault, and sometimes, it's just a bunch of factors.

LeBlanc and I have had some serious talks, and I have asked him to let me know when something is up, or if I do something that upsets him, or if something changes. I think he thinks that this stems from my previous relationship, which it does, but more importantly, I just want to know that I am worth the effort of a fight. Maybe I should be more clear.

What are your thoughts fighting in a relationship?? How do you and your significant other deal with these fights?? How do you think they have helped you and your relationship??

One of Those Days

2009-09-27T22:44:00.005-04:00

Today was one of those days. One of those days when things have snowballed during the week, and that one thing, no matter how minute and small, just tips the scale. You need a good cry. You can't solve anything, but bawling your eyes out for a little bit will just help.

Fabulously Broke described it really well in her post, "It's a Girl Thing, Honey." (I actually sent that article to LeBlanc for future reference when I found that post a couple months ago.)

I had a bad week at work last week. A couple days, I was feeling a bit under the weather, and I just called in sick. Then I felt down about that, because I felt like I should be more compassionate about my job. When lately, I've just felt kinda "meh", and I can't imagine myself doing this my entire life. Processing paper work, writing specifications, babysitting clients, putting up with dodgy contractors, etc etc.

Then, of course there was my "I love you" moment with LeBlanc last weekend where I was a little hurt. Not his fault, but it added to my snowball.

Then there was the possibility of LeBlanc going away to The Democratic Republic of Congo for a possible project. It might be for a few months, and we're not sure if he would be able to come back very often. And I was afraid it would just be too hard if we didn't see each other for 4 or 5 months. I would really miss him.

This morning started simply enough. We woke up around 11ish, and LeBlanc promised to make me scrambled eggs and pea meal bacon for breakfast. Some of his friends were visiting, so we went for coffee first, and post poned breakfast until afterwards. (Aside: I get really grouchy when I'm hungry.)

After coffee, we went to buy our breakfast ingredients. But LeBlanc wanted to stop by the Army Surplus store to look for a bday present for his little brother. So we looked a little, but couldn't really find something. I suggested we come back after breakfast. (Yea, I want my food!)

So we're back his apartment, and the kitchen is really quite a dirty mess. Four male consultant roommates. Always working. Never at home. Rarely clean. So LeBlanc starts cleaning, and tells me not to worry about the mess and I can start cooking while he cleans. I start cooking pea meal bacon. Fry tomatoes. Scramble eggs. And some instant curry.

LeBlanc takes a call from his little brother who is doing practice interviews with. His little bro is graduating from college this coming spring and has some upcoming interviews. LeBlanc has been helping him by asking some typical questions, and guiding him with presenting his thought process.

I come downstairs and LeBlanc is on the phone. And this is where bitchy Des enters the scene.

I get upset that I need to wait for him, and kinda stalked off. And then I start to feel the snowball effect of above mentioned events. I take a long shower to suppress the tears and hope that the snow ball will pass. LeBlanc knocks on the door to let me know he's done, but I don't want to come out with my tear stained face.

By the time I leave the washroom, I find the house empty.

I spoon myself a serving of curry and queue up a tv show. Then LeBlanc comes in. With a little "sorry gift" for me. But I'm upset and a brush it away.

LeBlanc: Ouch. Ummm... I'll go get the food.

And he heads upstairs. At this point, I couldn't suppress tears and emotions, and I went to the washroom to cry. I know, I know. I am pathetic, and bitchy.

LeBlanc knocks on the washroom, and can tell I am crying. I finally open the door but I turn off the lights so he doesn't see my tear stained face. (I look absolutely awful when I cry. My eyes are all red and puffy, and smaller than they already are. My nose is red. And my nose is full of snots and I can barely speak cuz I'm all choked up.)

LeBlanc asks to come in, and brings said food into the washroom (on top of the toilet) and hugs me, and asks me what's wrong. When all I could do was sniffle out some snorts.

LeBlanc: When you cry, it scares me.

me: *sniffle* Why?

LeBlanc: I don't know what to do, or why.

LeBlanc suggests we take our food out of the washroom and talk about it in his room, so that our food does not get contaminated.

I still can't really talk, but I try to wipe away my tears, while hiding behind my hair.

LeBlanc: I've never seen you cry before. It's so feminine. You're usually so strong.

me: *sniffles*

LeBlanc: You look cute when you cry.

me: I look terrible!

LeBlanc: You look cute and sexy. You're all pouty.

LeBlanc gives me his "sorry present", again, and I accept it this time.

LeBlanc: I went out to look for a necklace for you, cuz I know you're looking for one. But I'm not very good with buying necklaces. Or clothes. Or shoes. Or sandals. So I got you a little bag, with something in it.

LeBlanc gives me a little wooden ring with blue flowers on it, and places in on my finger. I'm not anymore, and start to loose the lump in my throat. I feel silly and continue to cry into his shoulders, trying not to leave too much snot on his shirt. I'm such a lady.

We eat our long awaited breakfast and watch our new favourite show, The Big Bang Theory.

Afterwards, I explain to him it wasn't really his fault, and tell him about the above mentioned events. Except for the "I love you" part. And we talked things through. And things are a lot better, now. And he recalled the article I sent to him earlier, and asked if it was one of those days. It was indeed.

I wanted to apologize for being such a bitch in the morning when he was just helping out his little brother. But I was afraid I would start bawling, again, so I sent him an e-mail. I hope he understands.

I feel so lucky to have found someone so sweet and caring.

Do you have those days?? How do you deal with them??

I Think I Love You

2009-09-21T12:23:00.008-04:00

As you know, I've been thinking it for a while, and recently decided that I was almost ready to tell LeBlanc that I love him.I love him for because he makes me happy. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel special and loved. He is intelligent and ambitious, and yet modest and humble. He is patient. He is sweet and thoughtful. He is kind and gentle. He calms me down when he senses I'm tense. He listens to my crazy ideas of life, and encourages me to pursue said crazy ideas :)

So, I've been having this build up of emotion. It started one day at a traffic light when I was worked up from driving through downtown rush hour traffic. Hate. Doing. That. But he reached over and gave me a squeeze and told me I'm doing great.

Then, there was last weekend when he queued up my favourite Taylor Swift songs on YouTube and sang along, even with his friends around. (He doesn't get embarrassed easily, eh!)

Or how he never gets mad at me even though I've stolen the blanket in the middle of the night from him on several occasions and he's gotten a bit of a cold in the morning.

I like watching him help his little brothers with their homework.

I like that he is proud of my work, and introduces me as a "real" engineer and that I'm "smarter than him" even though, I don't think it's true.

And lately the urge to tell him how I feel has been a bit overwhelming. But...

When was the right time? ...The right place? ...How should I say it? ...Should I be scared of being the first to say it? ...What if he doesn't feel the same way? ...Would he think I'm moving too fast and pushing him away? ...Am I making myself too vulnerable?

But last night, I did it.

He drove me home after dinner with his family at his parents' house. We kissed good night, and I went to grab my bags. Then, I decided that I had to tell him right then, and didn't want to put it off any longer.

I hug him, and say, "I think I love you."

There is a pause, as I think he is digesting my unexpected farewell.

LeBlanc: Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

Another pause.

LeBlanc: I really like you a lot.

me: Ummm. Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

LeBlanc: This is new to me. I've never felt this way before.

me: What's that?

LeBlanc: Felt like I really like someone.

Aside thought: I admit, I was a wee bit dissappointed that he didn't say that he loved me, too. But, I was kinda prepared for the fact that LeBlanc, might not in fact be

1) ready to say it

2) might not feel it

I don't want him to say that if he does not mean it. I don't want him to just say it because I said it. And I appreciate his honesty. I am glad that I was able to tell him how I feel. But, still.

PS. I've been working on a new blog which focuses on personal finance. Join me on my journey to financial freedom at FrugalGirlintheCity.blogspot.com!

Meals for the Week

2009-08-31T22:28:00.005-04:00

A little planning goes a long way. Cooking your own meals is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Not only do you save a tonne of money, you also have complete control over the quality of your ingredients, the amount of fat, sodium and seasonings you put in your food.

I've been cooking for myself since I started college, and I think I've gotten a little better every year. I usually cook in the beginning of the week, and eat left overs for the rest of the week.

Lately, I just discovered a very simple method to proportion my food, and store it easier. Tupperware!!!

Instead of storing my food in a large tupperware containers, I store them in individual tupper ware containers after the food has cooled down. This way, I just grab one as I run out the door leaving for work for lunch. And for dinner, I just empty one onto my plate and microwave away.

This week's lunches and dinner is rice with sauteed eggplant in my special sauce, and tomatoes stir fried with oyster mushrooms and green onions in a satay sauce.

Grocery Bill Total: $5.73

Oyster mushrooms: $2.59

Tomatoes: $0.91

Green Onions: $0.50

Eggplants: $1.73

Total of 6 servings with an average serving cost of $0.96

And you get a healthy meal made of fresh ingredients!!!

How do you save money in the kitchen???

Early Retirement???

2009-08-25T19:50:00.006-04:00

For my parents, not me. I just started working a year ago :)

So many times, as a young working adult trying to balance my life and bank account, I wonder how my parents raised us. With only one working parent from when I was in kindergarten until I was in grade 7, I am still befuddled as to how my parents managed to take care of us with one income source. (My dad was the breadwinner, though my mom did babysit for cash, which mainly went to savings for emergencies. We also saved money on day care and other services that way, too.)

My sisters and I grew up blessed with the greatest parents in the world. Who had so little, and yet were able to give us so much.

One of the greatest lessons that my parents taught us was appreciation for money, and how to be frugal. Though money cannot buy many things, money can give us a choice.

My parents did not have much of a choice when they were raising us. Yet, they still chose to be good parents.

Even though we could have used the money, my dad tried not to work overtime too much. Instead, he would spend the extra time, bringing my sisters and I to the library. Fixing things around the house. In the summers, he would take our whole family to various trips. CNE and Ontario Place (with the school coupon), Wasaga Beach, camping, and watching fireworks on Victoria Day and Canada Day.

My mom chose to be a stay at home mom. My mom also babysat other children for some extra cash. My mom went beyond the call of duty for a babysitter. She taught the kids Chinese lessons when it was time for my sisters and I to do our Chinese homework. She shared her homecooked meals and snacks. She treated everyone fairly. In the summer time, my mom would take us all to the neighborhood park (with a splashpool, a petting zoo, and a very decent jungle gym) for a day of playing and picnicing. I don't know how or where my mom got the energy to bring 8 kids to the park on a regular basis.

My sisters and I are really lucky to have grown up with so many fond memories of our childhood.

My dad has always were in factories. From what I can recall, he worked at a factory making airplane wings on the assembly lines. Then he worked at wallpaper factory until it closed. After that, my dad was older (almost 50), and he got a job at an automotive plant where he was been working since.

There is a lot of seniority at his company, and my dad has only been there for 10 years. Because of his lack of seniority, my dad has now been put on the night shift. It has been really hard on his body, and I am worried.

My parents are frugal, but they have been able to put away some money throughout the years. My dad and I took a look at his finances, and were crunching the numbers to see if they could retire early. We took a look at my parent's current monthly spending, and budgeted for how much we could reduce their spending by. I am now looking into getting a software with long term planning so we can have a better picture of how my parents' finances will look in the next few years.

One option that my dad and I were looking into was downgrading our house. They currently live in the same house we grew up in, and it's too big for two people. There is also maintenance that my dad finds overwhelming at times, such as lawn mowing, yard work, and snow shoveling.

We worked out my parent's current monthly budget to be $1500 and can probably we can get it down to $1200 if they move to a smaller place with less overhead costs (utilities, property taxes, housing maintenance, etc.) They should have enough with their pensions, RRSP contributions, old age securities (after they turn 65), and of course, my sisters and myself are working full time.

In a society where we are constantly told to use our hard earned money to buy things to make our lives happier / better / more glamourous. Rarely are we told to use our money to invest in ourselves and buy freedom. Freedom from having to work at a job that we don't like. Freedom to persue our hobbies. Freedom to spend time with our families and friends. Freedom from having to live month to month paying off debts.

I'm looking into purchasing Microsoft Money. I don't think Quicken Cash Manager has a long term planning function (it didn't specify).

Do you have any suggestions for a long term budgetting money managing software??? What are your thoughts on budgetting and money management???

My Taste of Europe: Oslo, Paris, Vers Veille sur Mer

2009-08-23T20:10:00.010-04:00

My apologies for neglecting my blog. Work has been just really busy lately, and I'm trying to make the most of summer before it passes by. (Summer in Canada is only about 2 weeks!)

I met up with LeBlanc in Oslo July 25th, which started our 2 week vacation together. We spent about 3 days in Oslo, then we flew to Paris and spent 4 days there, then we took a train to the small, small town of Ver Veille sur Mer, where we had rented an apartment by the beach for 7 days, then I returned to Toronto, and him to Oslo.

Europe was beautiful. And I loved the way we sauntered through our vacation. We spent a lot of time just walking around the cities and towns we visisted. That's my favourite way to enjoy any new place I visit. We would walk, and then find a place to sit and read. Continue walking, stop for a snack. People watch. Continue walking. This is me in Oslo.

Some highlights of our trip:

LeBlanc and I walked to the famous Vigeland Park where the artist, Gustav Vigeland made almost 180 statues. The statues are all completely naked, except for the one of himself. In the statues along the walkway to the rose gardens, the statues depicted movement whereas the statues at the end of the park were more serene, and depicted more emotion. On our way back to our hotel, we stop for dinner at a really good Indian restaurant and had Duck Korma and Pilack Paneer for dinner. Delicous!!! (This was to be a foreshadow of the rest of the food on our trip!)

On our last night in Oslo, we walked to the fortress surrounding a castle at the high point of the harbour. It was beautiful. I love looking at old buildings, and imagining how life might have existed behind these walls centuries ago. After our explorations, we went out for dinner at a beautiful seafood restaurant on the harbour. The food was delicous, and have now set a new bar for seafood standard. We both order fish, and it was so fresh, and tender.

Having been blessed with the oppurtunity to have done some traveling during my undergraduate year, every time I go on a new trip, I want to enjoy it in a different way. Instead of trying to see all the high points of a new city or country, I prefer to be a tourist who is part of the culture. I try to imagine how I can enjoy the city the way a local would. So even though, I would like to see a few important sights, I want to linger and enjoy each one, instead of rushing to the next.

These are a couple of my favourite shots of Oslo.

I loved the architecture and detail with the play of lights.

A shot from city hall across the harbor.

LeBlanc and I sauntered and lingered through our 4 short days in Paris. We walked everywhere! We sat along the river and read, or had little picnics with baguettes (French bread stick) with cheese and ham. Sometimes, we would wave to the tourists looking out at us from their boats!

Our hotel was in central Paris, across from the Louvre. We would walk to the Louvre, and the park around there. They have such beautiful statues everywhere. We walked to the Arc De Triomphe, and to the Eiffel Tower. We didn't go up the Eiffel Tower, but we did go up to the Arc, and the view was amazing! Paris is not a skyscraper type of city, and since the Arc is at a high point, you can look out and see all of Paris. Paris is a radial city, and you can see all the roads leading below where we were standing.

Like many people, I thought of Paris as the most romantic city in the world. Walking along the cobble stone paths hand in hand with LeBlanc, between our picnics and people watching, I couldn't agree more. Maybe it had to do with the colonial buildings, or maybe it was the river which ran through the city. Maybe it was the elegant bridges. Or maybe it was the beautiful churchs which seemed to hold some sort of key to Paris's history. Or maybe it was the simple elegance of their fashion. Or maybe it was the couples making out on the park benches. Even the stench of urine while walking under the bridges, though revulting, reminded me that Paris was not perfect. Which made it even more romantic.

LeBlanc and I took the subway for the first time when heading to Sacre Coeur (Sacred Heart Church) which was perched on a hill to the north west of central Paris. We were planning to watch the sunset along the Paris horizon. We enjoyed an evening of admiring another view of Paris, while sipping beer and huddled together on our little blanket. Lots of people were out, and the hills were packed with couples, friends, families, all out to enjoy summer in the city. Afterwards, we make our way to the Eiffel Tower to watch the lights. The tower was even more beautiful at night, and we set down our blanket, and I fall asleep, tired, as LeBlanc enthusiastically snaps photo's for the next hour.

Our last part of the journey is spent in the little town of Vers Veille sur Mer. The town is just up the shore from Omaha Beach, which played a very important role in World War II when the Allies were to regain power in Europe from the Germans. An ambitous feat by the Allies to capture Normandy via the English Channel. Hundreds of thousands of lives were lost on the beaches of Omaha, Utah and Juno.

We visited some Memorials along the beach, and a museum in the neighboring town of Caen. LeBlanc had also started watching the mini-seris Band of Brothers, and we re-watched some episodes together. It is very difficult to imagine this peaceful little town was once surrounded with war.

LeBlanc and I spent many lazy days sleeping in. When one of us would finally wake up, we'd go down to the kitchen and make coffee and breakfast. Then, we'd head down the beach for some sun bathing or more reading. Or walk along the shoreline, until we hit the next town. Sometimes, we'd stop for a snack. One time we stopped and tried the "Fruites de Mer" (fruits of the sea), and it was more than either of us could stomache. It is a platter of raw and cooked shellfish, and although I like the prawn and crayfish, I was not a big fan of the small brown shrimps, or the snails.

After a day of exploring, we would visit our local grocery store, and buy enough ingredients for a feast. We loved to cook, and cooking we did!!! French cooking to be exact. We made French Onion Soup, Garlic Cream Soup, Salad Nicoise, Porkchops, Roasted Beef, Curry Spinach, and even baked a cake from scratch. After we were stuffed from dinner, we would take a walk before heading to bed. Sometimes we'd walk to the beach, sometimes we walked along the road.

Now, it's back to reality, and I miss our carefree days. Work has been so hectic for the past two weeks, that I really miss our vacation, and seeing LeBlanc. It's his last week abroad, as his project is wrapping up, and I'm really looking forward to when he comes back next week! I've missed him.

Poking and Prodding

2009-07-12T21:16:00.007-04:00

This weekend, LeBlanc came back for a week of working in Toronto before heading back abroad. We spent most of this weekend together, just hanging out, cooking, watching tv, sleeping. The usual. I was really really happy to see him on Friday.

I let myself in, and was on the phone with my sister at that moment. He was cleaning his room and the bathroom. He ran out, and scooped me up in a big hug and planted kisses. I had to call my sister back :)

We made some dinner and watched "Marley and Me". I love lazy time together.

The next day, he was still a little jet lagged and tired. I later realized he didn't sleep that well the night before, and he was a little grouchy. I usually like to "bug" him with poking, prodding, and tickling.

I guess I do this when I get bored, or want him to pay attention to me:) This time, instead of being playful, he seemed a little irritated - and I didn't really know how to react.

I know I tend to take things personally, and I'm trying not to. Especially when we would do this all the time, and he liked it. When he seemed to be a bit better, he would cuddle up and be more receptive.

We talked about it today, and he said that it wasn't my fault. It just so happened that I was doing things at the wrong times, and it irritated him. I told him that I noticed the irration, but I didn't know why. So, if he could just tell me if he had a headache, or stomache-ache - then, I would kinda know to not poke in prod, because in general, we both like being poked and prodded.

LeBlanc and I have been dating for a little while now, and even though I know all relationships are kinda like a roller coaster, I feel like I'm about to take a big step. An emotional big step, of letting him into my heart.

I know that I've pretended to be tougher than I really am. I pretended that I don't care as much as I really do. I pretended that I'm cool when sometimes, I'm just doing back flips inside. And in many ways, I know it's because I am thinking that I'm protecting myself.

I know that I am a strong and independant woman. I am smart, beautiful, and generally a nice and caring person. I want to be treated like a lady, and deserve to be respected. This is the part that is strong and confident.

But there is also a part of me that's vulnerable and emotional. There is also a part of me that's been hurt before. And even though it wasn't LeBlanc who hurt me. I was hurt by someone whom I loved.

As mentioned in my previous posts, the most hurtful part wasn't the break up, it was what was said after it.

After all these years, Almond broke up with me, and he expected me to "fight for us." He thought that I would want us to be together, and basically beg him to take me back. When he talked afterwards, he said that's what he expected, and was hurt when that didn't happen. He felt it was me showing that I didn't care about what we had.

When I told Almond that it was now time that I started to think about myself first, and it wasn't in my best interest to do that (though, I did feel like it sometimes), he responded that he always saw me as an "emotional" person, and not "practical" and didn't expect my response of ignoring him, at all.

And so that was one of the things that I feared most about any new relationship. That the guy would see me as someone I'm not, and think that they can take advantage of a women's emotions. So, with LeBlanc, I tried not to show my emotional side.

I didn't show the side of me that was scared of something new, but also excited that I'm moving on and ready for a fresh start with a great guy. I didn't show that part of me that was happy when he sends text messages, or that he calls even if he's exhausted, to say "hi". And I didn't show that part of me that was crying on the drive home, after dropping him off at the airport.

I don't show him the part of me that's been hurt before, because I don't want him to see a part of me that was so angry, so hurt, but mostly, so vulnerable. I don't show when I'm nervous when I'm meeting his friends, his family, his colleagues.

But, I feel like I want to show him these part of me,now. Because I do care a lot for him. I think I love him, and I want him to love me back. I also want him to be emotionally available.

We haven't talked too much of our past. Only for a little bit when we first started dating. He knows that I dated my high school sweetheart through much of university, but no one seriously since then, including one of his classmates. His longest relationship was also in university, and was 6 months, but he said he hasn't had a serious relationship, yet.

Maybe it's time that I opened up my heart a bit more. I know there's no guarantee, but I feel like I am falling, and I want to be caught. And I want LeBlanc to catch me.

My Canada Day

2009-07-02T21:36:00.003-04:00

Canada was yesterday - July 1st. So, yes, I got one day off and it was in the middle of the week. It was still pretty awesome. Better than awesome, I would argue.

Happy Canada Day!!!!

I slept in, and tidied up my apartment. Chatted with LeBlanc on GTalk, and then headed to my parent's house.

LeBlanc and I joke that everytime we go home, we are there to perform manual labour. Which is mostly true. Last weekend I went home, I washed and vaccumed both my car, and my dad's van. This time, I helped weed the flower beds, and mowed the lawn. Front and back.

Joking aside, I really enjoy this stuff. It makes me feel like I'm at home.

As my mom made dinner, I read my book at the front steps.

Back tracking a bit, I've had numerous talks with my girlfriends, and sisters about my dilemma. I guess, on hindsight, what I realize is 2 main things.

1) My parents don't want to see me get hurt.

2) My parents are realizing that myself (and my sisters) are grown up.

With this in mind, I wanted to take a new approach when bringing up this topic. It wasn't so much the trip. Or LeBlanc. Or the sex. It was me growing up. And I needed to be careful, to not hurt my parents. (You were right, Greears!)

I wanted them to know that they have raised me well. If I have kids one day, I only hope to be able to do as good a job of them. They have given my sisters and I so much. But at the same time, they raised us to think for ourselves. To not just accept, but question the world around us. And that's what I am doing. And although we may not see eye to eye on all subjects, I ask that we both still respect one another's decisions. And to trust me. Trust that they raised me well enough to make my own decisions.

After dinner, we had a talk. My dad, my mom, and I. And I'm so grateful and thankful, and lucky that we can communicate so freely. My parents have sure grown up a lot, and have also let us grow up a lot, as well.

My dad said that he has been struggling with thoughts, as to weather letting us to go to university with a work-study program was a good decisions. He feels like we're out in the world so much, that he's not really needed. Or we have become so independent that we don't need home, anymore.

My family is poor. We grew up with hand me down clothes from family friends. We never ate out at restaurants. If we went to McDonald's, it was with coupons. And I am proud of it. It has made me who I am today.

One of the biggest dilemma's my parents faced was how on earth they would ever afford a good education for their 3 girls. Post secondary school is very expensive, and they would never be able to afford that with their salary. Sure, we could borrow money from the government, but the idea of their kids coming out of school with so much debt was also a little scary for my parents.

When I went to a school with a work study program, I found a way to not only earn valuable work experience during my undergraduate degree, but also a way to pay for my own living expenses, as well. It seemed like a win-win situation. My parents were really happy with it, as well.

But I guess, the price of independence is high. Once you start making your own decisions, it's difficult to go back to other people making decisions for you. Almost impossible, I think.

My ideals, I believe are deeply rooted with my Chinese culture which I was brought up with by my parents. But there are also parts from growing up in a multicultural community, such as Toronto. I guess, I try to take the best of worlds, and meld them into something that works for me and makes me happy.

In the end, my parents just want to be included more in my life. They wanted to get to know LeBlanc more, so they don't feel like their daughter is going on a trip with a stranger. They want me to come home more often. To call, and just ask them how life in general is going. That's all. And I promised that I would do that, but they also need to know that I do want to spend time with friends, and weekends, are oh-so-short. But I will try harder to keep in touch.

(To be on the safe side, right when I got home, I ran upstairs and stashed my passport in my purse. hehe.)

The Generation and/ or Cultural Gap

2009-06-29T21:35:00.005-04:00

My parents immigrated to Canada almost 30 years ago. My mom was born in Cambodia. Her family was fairly wealthy, but they fled the Khmer Rouge to Hong Kong in the 1960's. My dad was born in Vietnam. His family was poor, but they managed get my dad out of Vietnam to Hong Kong so he didn't have to serve in the Vietnam War. My sisters and I were born in Toronto, and have grown up here our entire lives.

When I think back, and realize how much opportunity my sisters and I have at a better life than my parents. And how hard they have worked to give us those opportunities, I am humbled and truly grateful.

But then there are times, when our views are different on certain subjects, and I feel that I may be hurting them by having a different opinion.

For instance, LeBlanc and I have been planning to take a vacation together. We're thinking of a relaxing stay in Europe (Normandy, France) or strolling along beaches, long walks, bicycle rides, wine, food, and lots of lounging around. Both our jobs are demanding, and we think it would be nice to just have nothing on the schedule, except "us."

I mention this to my parents, and they seemed to take it quite well. (Much to my surprise. So, I called LeBlanc and told him that I really should be giving my parents more credit.)

Then, I get a call from my mom the past Friday. She was very concerned about this trip of mine, she proceeded to dissuade me from going.

The thing is, I get very defensive when I feel someone else's goal is to change my mind. It's an automatic reaction for me, and unfortunately, my listening abilities drop by 50%. All I can hear is "You are wrong. I am right."

My mom was concerned that "something" might happen between LeBlanc and I if we are alone in room together. Since we would most likely be sharing a hotel room. Most likely with one bed.

Did I mention that I am 25 years old? I am.

Anyway, my mom tells me that she doesn't think this type of behaviour (premarital sex) is good. It's not a right path, or reason. It's lustful. If I marry someone, they may not like it. Etc., etc., Basically, it's wrong, and she doesn't think I should do it, and wants me to PROMISE not to.

She pushed a lot of buttons when she was trying to convince me.

1) She thinks I'm being casual by sleeping with someone before marriage.

2) She thinks I've had too many relationships (this is my second serious one)

3) She thinks that "little Chinese girls" are supposed to live at home until they are married, but since I work far, she "lets" me live on my own

4) She thinks my future husband will not accept or like the fact that I've been with othen men before him

It's funny. When we were little, we were told we couldn't or shouldn't do things because we should be getting good grades. In high school, it was so that we can get in a good university. In university, it was so that we could graduate and get a good job. And now that I've done that, the NEW GOAL is the good husband. (I see the trick, I've fallen for it my entire life!)

My mom is a very stubborn woman. And I do believe that children need to have strict rules when they are growing up, because they don't know the difference between right and wrong. However, I am an adult now. And I have been for some time. I've been making my own decisions, whether she realizes that or not, and it's no longer her say.

Last time when I wanted to go on vacation with Almond (I think it was 4 or 5 years ago), she basically had the same "calm" talk with me. She states her reasons, and then expects you to agree with them. I stated my reasons, too, and I told her that I still wanted to go, that I didn't agree with her on her reasons.

She. Freaked. Out. She got very, very angry. And she hit way below the belt. She pretty much dared me to go. To go against her will.

And I didn't. Almond didn't want to go anymore. Who wants to have that kind of an axe over their neck?!

And my biggest fear was that she was going to pull the same stunt this trip. I'm not expecting her to agree with me, or be encouraging of my trip. But, she should know that it's not her say, anymore.

I was very upset with the phonecall. I reminded her of what happened last time. And I asked her that if she pulled something like that, how am I supposed to respect her?

If we are both adults, we are both entitled to our own opinions and our own decisions. We may agree on some issues, and we will disagree on others, but she cannot force me to agree with her. She can't threaten me into agreeing with her. I lost a lot of faith, when she stooped to that level last time, and it hasn't been completely restored to this day.

If she really did want me to think about it. I will. But I might not change my mind. And if I don't. She has to respect that. She can't throw a fit, and threaten myself or LeBlanc.

I've been talking this over with my sisters, my friends, and LeBlanc (though LeBlanc doesn't know all the details of the past), and I guess I need to man up and have a conversation with my mom. Calmly. Even if it hurts her, that her daughter is a grown woman now. I'm not innocent and naive. And if I want to sleep with someone who is special to me, that is my decision, and my decision alone.

I know it exposes me to be hurt. And even though I hurt like hell, through the break up with Almond. I don't regret it. And in the end, I know I've become a better person. I stronger person. A smarter person. And a more forgiving person. I may not be young and naive, or "pure and innocent", but I'm a better person. And whoever my husband will be, he'll be someone is accepting of everything about me.

So, I've decided to head home on Canada Day and confront this (and grab my passport, as well). Wish me luck!!!

Do you currently face any generation or cultural gaps with your parents or elders???

Re-Decorating!!!

2009-06-03T21:34:00.009-04:00

When I moved into my apartment, I tried to buy some furniture under the colour theme of black, white and a pop of red. I love bold colours with black and white. I think it looks so simple and classy.

So, one afternoon of lazing around, LeBlanc says to me:

LeBlanc: Des, I want to do something with my room.

me: Um hm. *Wheels start turning*

LeBlanc: Not sure what, though.

me: Hhmm. *Mental remake of room in progress*

LeBlanc: Any ideas?

me: Maybe you can paint the walls. Move that (hideous) shelf. Change you desk. Emphasize your beautiful bay windows.

LeBlanc: Hmmm. Good idea.

me: I've always wanted to decorate a room, after seeing so many epidsodes of Trading Spaces. Can I try decorating your room? It'll be like an experiment, and if it works, maybe I can do mine next! :)

LeBlanc: Yea, sure. I would be really supportive of that. That's awesome.

So, I've picked a colour palette to work with, and LeBlanc loves it. (I assured him I would not turn his room into a dollhouse.)

I don't want to do anything too drastic, I want to re-use most of his furniture. Maybe get rid of an extra shelf he has lying around. Add some nice drapery to emphasize the beauty of his bay windows overlooking his front patio, maybe put in some chairs there. I love simple floor to ceiling curtains on rods.

I like colour, so I was thinking of painting one wall blue (his favourite colour), and the ceiling and other walls an off white, paint his doors a dark chocolate colour. And add some softer lighting in. Get some new duvet covers and pillows and we're done.

I'm so excited. These are some pictures where I've been getting some inspiration.

I love the two coloured wall, and the hard wood floors. LeBlanc has really nice hardwood floors at his place.

I like that light. And those sticks.

I like the seating at the bay windows. Not sure if we want to put in that much work, he's only going to be there for a year, but maybe some chairs and cushions, instead. I was also thinking of painting the inner trim the same dark chocolate colour, and the outer trim to be a khaki colours, and the wall white.

That's it for now! I hope it will take us about two weekends to do this.

Do you like to re-decorate??? Any recent projects or future projects planned???

I Miss Him

2009-05-28T16:50:00.006-04:00

LeBlanc is in London right now, 5 hours ahead. Even though I spent the entire weekend with him (minus Saturday morning when I had to work, but he was sleeping, anyway), it didn't really hit me that he was leaving.

It didn't hit me, when we cleaned up the kitchen. (Mostly him, I hate cleaning other people's messes. I would run downstairs and bring him the broom, so he can sweep, as I perched on a stool and point out spots he missed! haha!)

And it didn't hit me when he did his 3 loads of laundry. Or when I helped him sort out his 3 loads of laundry and pack his bags. Or when some of his friends came to hang out at his patio and he kept saying, "I don't want to go!" Or when I drove him to his office to pick up dry cleaning. Or when I drove him home to see his family for a little bit before his flight. Or when his limo came to pick him up. Or when he hugged me, and kissed my forehead, as his family was standing around us.

None of this really hit me.

It wasn't until after he left, and I started the drive home. I stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas, turned the corner, and the radio played the song, "Music of my Heart" by NSync and Gloria Estetan. And then, I started crying. I haven't heard that song in ages, and it's not like we have a "song" or anything. Maybe it was the lyrics. I just felt like I would miss him. A lot.

I haven't missed someone like this in a while, and the feeling scares me a little. It's a little overwhelming the reign he has on my emotions. After Almond, I've kept my feelings guarded, but this feeling just happened.

Would he miss me? Is he sobbing pathetically while NSync is blasting from the radio?

I miss him.

Who do you miss right now???

I think I`m falling...

2009-05-20T18:30:00.003-04:00

I know that I`ve kept my guard up with LeBlanc.

But I think I`m really starting to fall for him. It scares me, and it excites me at the same time. That I can feel that way, again.

It has been seeping it`s way into me these past few weeks. It kinda hit me yesterday, when we were driving, and I was tense. (I really hate driving downtown) He reached over and it just relaxed me, then he told me I was doing a great job. Then, afterwards when we went for dinner, and the way he looks at me. The way he reached over the table and plays with my fingers.

It`s really hard to for me to admit something like this. I`m not sure why. But I`m loving this feeling.

What are the things that are hard for you to admit???

Norway... and some bad memories

2009-05-14T21:04:00.006-04:00

LeBlanc might have his upcoming project in Norway.

He asked me on my thoughts about it, or as he put it, "Just wanted to run it by you, Des."

I was excited and happy about it for him. It's a project that he's really interested in, and something we both care about - sustainability. I was also secretly happy he asked me, even though I wasn't going to say anything to stop him.

Even though, I will miss him, I think this is a great opportunity. I think I need to tell him that. The "I miss him" part.

LeBlanc was posted in Calgary when we started dating. We would see each other once a week, and talk a couple of times a week on the phone. I'm not a huge phone person, but I do like a quick chat to get a glimpse into his day, and I would want him to care about mine, too.

When LeBlanc asked me what I thought, my first thought was back to this incident with Almond.

........................................................................................

He had really wanted to go on a trip with his friend to Japan for a few weeks. On hindsight, I was selfish and I had apologized for it, but I realize three years later, that he probably never really forgave me.

Almond had asked me for my honest opinion, if I wanted him to go. Being young, naive and selfish, I said, I wanted to go with him, and I thought that I would miss him too much if he went without me. Silly, I know. But at that moment, it felt like the end of the world if he left.

Almond didn't go.

After realizing my mistake, I apologized profusely. I felt terrible. I was supposed to be supportive, and instead, I was the opposite.

Almond told me that it was ok. That everything was fine. That his parents probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.

Fast forward three years, we're sitting his car talking about his graduation plans. He had been talking about moving to Cali for almost a month. Not once did he ask for my thoughts on it.

Almond: I'm thinking of moving to California (Silicon Valley) to look for a job. They have the best jobs in my field. You can come down with me. I'm sure they have jobs in your field there.

...

Des: You can't just assume that I will follow you. You never even asked me my thoughts on it.

Almond: Well, I already gave up my dreams for you, once. I don't want to have to do it, again.

Des: What's that supposed to mean?!

Almond: Remember when I wanted to go to Japan, and you said that you didn't want me to go? Going to Japan has been one of my life dreams, and I gave that up for you. I don't want to have to give up everything for you.

Des: What?!?! How can you blame that on me?

Almond: Well, you said you didn't want me to go, and I didn't. But I'm not going to do it, again.

I remember my heart literally hurting. I felt like I was slapped in the face. I was sorry, and I had apologized right away after the incident 3 years ago, but Almond had assured me that he didn't have the money and his parent's probably wouldn't let him go, anyway. On hind sight, I think he said that so I wouldn't feel bad at the time. But I had no idea that he resented me for it.

I know that LeBlanc and Almond are very different, and one of the reasons that I'm drawn to LeBlanc is his straight up attitude. But I don't want to be resented from someone I care about. It really hurt. What hurt the most was that when Almond resented me for so long for that Japan trip, and I had no clue. I really thought that he had forgiven me.

What's the most hurtful grudge that someone you cared about you has carried???

Reflections on The 100 Mile Diet: A Year of Local Eating by Alisa Smith and James McKinnon

2009-05-06T21:58:00.005-04:00

This book was part of the bag of goodies from LeBlanc's birthday gift. I had told him about aspiring to be more of a minimalist, and being more aware of my actions on the environment. Plus, we both love food. So it was a very thoughtful gift. :) (I'm asking him to read it, too, so we can discuss it!)

In a nutshell, this book documented the journey this couple took, to try to eat food that was from a 100-mile radius from their home in Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada. It seems like a straight forward task, but a simple task it is not. The narration of each chapter is alternated between Alisa and James. We see how the diet impacts not only their eating habits, but their lives.

I learn that the average distance my food travels is 1,200 miles. (Then, I ran to my fridge and took a look at the sticker on my hot-house tomatoes. It said "Mexico.")

One of the main themes that really made me reflect was the lack of connection that we have with the things we use everyday, including the food that we eat. In losing that connection, we also lose a sense of our community. We get our veggies, dairy, and meats at the grocery stores, but we don't see where it comes from before that.

I, for one, did not even know where my tomatoes came from. All I cared about was that it was less than $1.29/lb and they were red and firm.

What about the farmers who grew them? Are they compensated justly for their labour? What about the fertilizers and pesticides used? Were they picked when they were ripe, or or were they picked so they could ripen on the journey to my supermarket? How much gas did it take to transport my tomatoes? How does this impact our environment?

If we were to take an inventory of all the food in our local supermarkets, how much of the food is local? How much food is from another province? Another country? Another continent?

Is it necessary for our food to travel such long distances? Is it sustainable to the environmen? Is it sustainable to the societies which support our consumption? Is it healthy for us?

And the list of unanswered questions continue.

I like this book because it is largely devoted to asking questions, and exploring different options. It doesn't seek to judge or condemn our society, it just asks questions. It also looks at how we have evolved, as a society, in the way which we get our food.

In the past, when we used to live off our lands, we would grow our crops, and then preserve the surplus so that we can live off of it during the seasons we cannot yield any crops (i.e., winter for us in Canada.) We don't do that anymore. We can buy our favourite foods, year round at our local supermarkets.

One story that particularly touched me, was about the salmon in their local river. Alisa and James had found a river where they could get salmon from, which was within their food radius. Looking forward to heading back to the river, to get more salmon to preserve for the winter, they were devestated when a spillage of a toxic chemical killed all lifeforms in the river. This meant there was no salmon for them this winter.

This story touched me becuase I think we no longer feel this connection with our environment: that we depend on our environment to survive. If I saw this on the news, I would think that it was sad news, but it would end there. It doesn't affect me on a personal level. But this book reminds us, that not too long ago, this kind of disaster would spell famine for all the people who lived in the village and depended on this salmon. Disasters such as this, might not affect us on a personal level today, but it used to, and it still can.

What would our community be like if we had more connection with the things we eat, with the things we use? Can you imagine buying your wheat from a farmer and knowing exactly how he grows it and processes it? Or what about picking your own berries from a local farmer and eating it sweet and ripe, straight from the plant?

In our fast paced world, it`s easy to get caught up in life, and we forget to enjoy the little things. We forget to ask questions, and we assume that things are just the way they are.

It`s also easy to forget that everything we use must come from somewhere, and sometimes, it`s important to know that whatever it is that we are using, we have a relationship with it. And it has a relationship to the earth. Maybe it`s time that we took a step back, and evaluate the decisions we are making, either consciously or unconsciously, and think about how they are affecting our lives, and our future.

What are your thoughts on local eating? Do you think its important to know where your food comes from?

Career: Practical or Dreamy?

2009-04-28T17:42:00.008-04:00

Last night, I went out to dinner with my girl friends after a relaxing spa date.

We used to all work for the same company about 2 years ago. Two of them, as entry level engineers - just out of university, and I was on a student internship. Of course, they had health benefits at that time, and I didn't. Now that I am working full-time as well, we all go out for spa dates, together!

Last night, was one of our last spa dates. :(

One of the girls found a job somewhere else (which did not include these benefits), and another one was going back to school!

We got to talking about our careers, our relationship lives, etc.

One of the girls was going back to school to persue another undergraduate degree - in psychology. This took my by complete surprise, since it seems like a topic that is opposite to what she had studied and worked in. Did I mention that she graduated from engineering?

Anyhow, we were all first generation Canadians, with middle eastern, or Asian background. It was little surprise that we would choose something that was practical to study, so that we can get a good job afterwards.

I, of course, am no different. Engineering was something that was practical to me. Math and science were topics that I found interesting and easy to grasp. So after 5 years, here I am.

Working in the field that I had wanted to be in. And yet, I can't say I am completely satisfied. Even though it's what I wanted to be in, it's not exactly what I picture or envisioned. If that makes any sense.

Do I want to be walking parking structures for the rest of my life, and chasing leaks? Writing specs? Contract administration? Methinks not.

However, on those bad days, I keep reminding myself that I need to take a step back, and look at the bigger picture. Where I am right now is a great place to learn. It's a wonderful place to start out. I have a lot of great teachers, and mentors at my work place, who are all willing to give me a chance to learn. I need to take a advantage of that. And then take it from there.

I keep reminding myself, that I won't get anything out of this experience if I don't put in all my effort to learn as much as I can. Then, after that, I can decide where I want to go from there.

I guess that's the big picture. Sometimes, it's hard to keep that in mind, when I'm doing the mundane tasks.

I know nothing is written in stone. But, if I had a chance to pick something else. Something where I didn't have to worry about finding a job afterwards, I'm not sure if I would pick engineering. Or maybe, I would take more electives in something else.

I think back to high school when I had to pick my university program. How is a 18 year old supposed to know what she wants to do for the rest of her life? And I was someone who researched and looked into my field? My decision was based on a balance of what was practical and what I had interest in. I wasn't able to take the leap to choose something that wasn't, in my eyes, practical.

One of my cousins studied Fashion Designing, and spent two years. Only to end up working odd jobs waitress-ing, and eventually ending up at her dad's company as an admin clerk. That scares me. I'm not sure if I could deal with that very well, if I were in her position.

Meh. Just something that's on my mind.

Did you choose your career based on practicality or dreams???

Relationships: now vs before

2009-04-25T09:00:00.013-04:00

My computer died almost a month ago, and I've been dilly dally-ing and taking my sweet time looking for a new one. (Hence, the one I have now is AWESOME and I got it for a sweet price - $599.99 CND, baby!) It's got the pattern below on the cover, but I can't seem to find the inside part with the same design along the bottom.

Nothing too crazy has been happnening in my life, and I did not want to bore you with the details of my new relationship. Gushy over what a great guy he is. I think it's more interesting to talk about the parts I'm uncertain about and mull over while I over analyze everything. But, really, he is a great guy, and we've been having a lot of fun over the past little while. AND he is even got a little romantic side, too.

Thanks to my readers (I'm sure there's only a couple of you out there) for checking back. The funny thing was that I got comments on my bday, and even though you guys don't know it, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. **Waves to Greears and Andy**

Just a quick reminder. Almond is my ex, whom I dated for almost 5 years from high school to third year in university. LeBlanc is the guy I'm dating now :)

So, now that LeBlanc and I have been dating since November-ish and "officialized" it in February, when he told me that he was going to start referring to me as his girlfriend, we've had our share of misunderstandings and moments. It's interesting to look back and reflect on how I look at this relationship, and how I look at how I deal with our mishaps.

Last night, one of my girlfriends and I were comparing the me's before and after.

When I first dated Almond back in high school, I had not gone out much (strict Asian parents, I tell you!). Everything was new with Almond. First walk home. First hand holding. First kiss. First touch. Much like in Twilight.

Then after Almond, I hadn't really been in a relationship for very long. I had dated my share of guys. None had made it to the "boyfriend" level, with the exception of Hagan Daaz. Most of them were nice guys, a couple were jerks. Such is the single life. Le sigh.

What I found was the nice guys seemed too nice. Too proper. That I felt like I should like them, but I didn't. I wanted someone who would make me laugh, not be afraid to tease me, and someone who made me excited to be around. I remember one really nice chap, would always ask me out to do things. And he would really put a lot thought into where it was, whether it be out for dinner or a picnic, or a movie. But it felt like he treated me like a piece of glass, afraid I would break. I'm actually a very easy going person, and not too many things would offend me. So I guess he was just nervous.

Anyhow, all I'm saying is that I haven't really had, what I refer to as, "transitional" relationships. You know, high school relationship(s), university relationship(s), post secondary relationship(s). I believe that since we are all at different times in our lives, we also veiw our relationships differently and treat them accordingly.

For instance, phone time. I remember in high school, Almond and I would stay up all night talking. It felt like whatever we had to say, we just needed to say, at that very moment. I mean, what the hell did we talk about til 3, 4, 5 or a couple of times, 6 a.m., in the morning?! Now I look back, and I can't remember / imagine what it was that we talked about.

Now, I would much rather sleep. Although, I like it when LeBlanc calls in the check how my day was or what I am up to (though he does not do this every night). But when 11:00 p.m rolls around, I'm ready to say good night and hello to my beauty sleep :)

Another thing was my security in myself and my phsyical appearance. See, I've never been one to really dress up, or be the girly girl type. It was more out of necessity, than choice. When I was little, I would wear the hand-me downs from my parents' friends' kids (who were all boys, might I add.) Then, in middle and high school, I never had the money to buy all those fancy clothes because I knew I had to save to pay for university.

So imagine my surprise and rush of adreneline when Almond told me he thought I was pretty. And not just pretty, he thought I was the prettiest girl in the world (naive, I know). The conversation probably went something like this:

Almond: Des, I think you're so pretty.

Des: Really?? You think I'm pretty?? No one has ever told me that before.

Des (in my head): Aside from my mom.

(Stomach does summer saults and has a grin that stretches the circumference of my face.)

Almond: I think you're gorgeous.

Des melts.

Though I'm not the type to ask constantly, I remember thinking to myself: Does he really think I'm pretty? How pretty? Prettier than her??

Le sigh. Such is the insecure life of a teenager.

Anyhow, with LeBlanc, I don't believe I've ever questioned it. I just assumed that he thought I was pretty and attractive. lol. Seriosly, but not in a I-am-full-of-myself kind of way. I just feel more comfortable in my body, and I have also learned to buy clothes that fit my body (hooray for having cash flow! Engineering paid off!). Besides, he must be with me for a reason (aside from my uber intelligence and awesome personality, of course).

Though, he has told me on several occasions he thinks I am pretty hot, or pretty. (Which I don't think are the same thing. I would much rather be called pretty than "hot.")

And the list goes on.

LeBlanc knows that I'm grouchy when I'm either sleepy or hungry. I don't think Almond ever knew that. I guess I wasn't afraid to let LeBlanc know or afraid that he wouldn't like me because of it. Besides, it would take too much effort to mask those characteristics, and I am usually quite pleasant to be around. Not to mention that LeBlanc is also not a morning person.

With Almond, I felt like I had to know everything about his past. But with LeBlanc, it's not that I don't want to know, I just don't know if that will really make a difference. We did talk a bit about our past, and he knows about Almond. I wanted to know if LeBlanc had any unresolved issues. Aside from that, we talked about STD's, and other health issues.

With Almond, I remember having to know if he was "the one." The person I wanted to eventually marry, one day. Or else, it might not be worth having a relationship with. And maybe, because of that, I just convinced that he was "the one," and I didn't look at all the things that we did not have in common.

For instance, the way we spend money, and the things that we spend it on. Also, we had different views of our careers, and what we want it to mean. Right now, I don't think that far ahead. It's not to say, that it doesn't cross my mind with LeBlanc, it's just something that I'm not focused on. I'm more focused on enjoying the present and just let the future happen without worrying over it, too much.

I remember I felt with Almond that I wanted to just be with him every moment. And in doing so, I now realize that I neglectged a lot of my identity in the process. I didn't take the time to discover myself and my interests during my in university (which is something I think everyone should be doing.) I spent too much of doing homework and hanging out with Almond in my little spare time. Though, most of them were great times, time apart to discover yourself is definitely something that I would advocate.

It wasn't until after we broke up that I started to find activities to do to fill up my void of time. I remember spending more time with family and friends. Spending more time joining clubs and sports. I went traveling and I went on exchange to Singapore (which was where I met LeBlanc, surprising, enough.) In our time apart, as painful as it was sometimes, I learned that there was a whole other side of me that had nothing to do with Almond. And that part was special, too.

I felt like I had taken a while to discover my identity, again. An identity that was just me. Me, my family and my friends. A big fear of mine, is that I would lose this identity if I get too absorbed in another guy. I need my "me time" and time apart. I no longer feel that I have to be perfectly in sync with my boyfriend. We can have different interests, as well, as some common ones. It's a balance, that I'm still juggling. But I think that I'm doing a much better job of it now, then before.

I also explained this to LeBlanc. And he said that was one of the things that he liked about me :) He would never want me to lose my identity, and if I didn't want to certain things with him, or want some alone time, I could let him know.

Another part of me that's changed is how I view the guy. I don't expect him to be perfect. Actually, I know that LeBlanc and I are both far from perfect. But I've also learned to compromise on things that are not as important to me, and pick my battles. I've also learned that I'm not always right (just most of the time, though ;]). I've also learned that even if I am right, I can still let the guy off the hook. Story to follow.

I think that's enough emotional thoughts for a Saturday morning!

I apologize for neglecting my blog, as of late. Thanks for checking back, Andy and Greears :) It's very encouraging, and I promise to stop by and do some catching up on your lives! *hugs*

I Can't Hate

2009-02-26T19:37:00.004-05:00

Looking back on my life, I have come to the conclusion that I can't hate anyone. I can dislike, I can be indifferent, I can love, I can like, but I cannot hate.

Having said that, I have come close at times. I can safely say there have been two people in my life who have hurt me so deeply that it has taken me years to heal. Almond being one of them. And my first ever, best friend, being the other.

My first best friend, let's call her, Vivi. We met in kindergarten, and we instantly bonded. I moved away when I was in grade 7. And I know, friends come and go. But she was my best friend, and I thought that our friendship was stronger than that. Of course, at that age, friends at school were everything. So we both made new "best friends" at our own schools, but were still each other's best friends.

I know, it's silly. Even at that age, I know that friends drift apart. That's normal. However, we still saw each other every Saturday at Chinese school, and we hung out at recess, as we usually did. Then, one day, she hung out with some other girls at recess. And then she started to sit with them. And not invite me.

I asked her if she was mad at me. At first she brushed off my questions, with answers, such as, "Well, I've hung out with you at recess since kindergarten, I wanted to meet other people." Which, made sense to me. But I was still hurt. Then, it became clear to me, that I just wasn't cool enough for her.

I was very, very sad. This loss of friendship broke my little heart. I had no idea what I did wrong. I tried talking to her at school. Calling her. Asking her what I did wrong so I could apologize, and we could be friends, again. I don't remember her giving me an explanation. She said she wasn't mad at me, but she just didn't want to be friends, anymore.

I remember feeling so lost without a best friend. Without someone to whom I can share my deepest secrets, and dreams with. I remember dreaming about it, for years afterwards. That she would ask me to be friends with her again. And I would always, always forgive her. And we would go on laughing and joking like nothing had come between us.

And if she were to ask me today, I'm sure I would say the same thing.

My second "break up" was with Almond. As you have probably read in my previous posts about him, he broke up with me without much of a reason, or explanation.

He sent me angry emails when I said I needed to be alone. His email to me the first Christmas after we broke up was horrible. I have never been able to read it again. But it was demeaning. It was a complete guilt trip. It was very, very cruel. And, it was way, way below the belt.

Keep in mind that he was the one who wanted to break up. Basically, he was frustrated that he didn't get much of a reaction from me. Apparently, I was supposed to fight for him to come back, and ask him to reconsider or beg him to stay, or something to that effect. Me trying to respect his decision and moving on, was not what he had expected.

Since our breakup, I have never said one hurtful thing to him. It wasn't until about 5 months ago, when we decided to communicate again, that I realized how much anger I was really keeping pent up inside. (This was shortly after Haagan Daz and I broke up). He canceled out on our meeting, and that was the moment I realized I was PISSED. Even after everything, he initiates a meeting and gets to make the call to cancel last minute?!?! No F*in way.

I penned out my anger in a very angry email addressed to him.

Addressing all the hurt that I had kept inside for the last two years. The time which I had tried to move on. Had tried to forget about all the hurt. Had tried to stop hoping that things between us would (maybe, by some miracle) go back to how it was before. That I would be able to feel that way about someone else.

I lashed out in my writing at how immature he was. How much hurt he caused me. I was angry that during out time together, I tried to reach out to him but he bottled things up and let things explode without ever trying to talk to me about it. I lashed out at how he was immature, whiny and depressing, and I still tried my best to cheer him up, and loved him all the same. Thinking and believing we would get through this because we loved each other.

I bitched about how even after our break up, I was still a friend to him, when he had no one else to turn to, because I genuinely cared about him, but partly why he was being my friend, was so that he could "see if things were going somewhere."

I bitched at how he would seem like a lost puppy one minute, saying that he knew it was unfair to ask me to wait until he was ready for a relationship. That I was the best thing that happened t him, and I was so important to him, but he had NO F*KN idea when he was ready for a relationship again. Then a month later his FB profile is plastered with him a new GF.

It made me so angry!

And I wrote it all out in the email to him. Bitching my heart out. Pouring out the anger that I had kept inside because I DIDN'T WANT TO HATE HIM, or hurt him. And now I wanted to hurt him. I wanted hurt him as much as he hurt me. Wanted to see how he lost someone so great because he was a moron and idiot. The anger I first felt almost 2 years ago, were flooding back to me in that email.

I sent the email to my one of my firlfriends. Then, I saved it. I knew I was in no condition to send something to Almond. And I went to sleep.

I looked at the email a couple days later, after I had calmed down.

And I realized that my email, sounded a lot like the one he sent me 3 Christmases ago.

It was angry. It was blaming. It was immature. But most of all it was hurtful.

And I realized, that no matter how angry I felt at the moment. No matter how hurt I was, that he could still stir up so many emotions after this long. I realized, I didn't want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I don't want to hit below the belt. I didn't want to hate him. I just so desperately wanted to move on. And I just wanted to know why it was so hard.

Even now. I find it hard to completely trust anyone. But I also know these things take time. I am more careful with my heart, and want to be careful that I don't guard it so much that I don't give other's a chance to see it.

Very Different

2009-02-24T18:46:00.005-05:00

LeBlanc is very different from any of the guys I've dated before. Tres different from Almond, and that was one of the things that drew me to him. And the fact that I was at a point in my life where I thought that I should stop thinking so much, and just enjoy it!

I feel very comfortable with LeBlanc. He knows that I get grouchy when I'm hungry. Or how I ramble on incoherently when I first wake up. That I prefer staying in than going out. That I can eat as fast as him, though not as much. That my sarcasm can match his. That I can burn frozen dinner, but also be able to roast an entire chicken. hehe.

We didn't realize before, but we have very similar interests and outlooks on life. He's also the oldest of three siblings, and when I met his family over dinner a few weeks ago, his little brother was so happy to see him. They didn't stop talking and it reminded of me and my sisters. It was absolutely adorable :) We both love food, and he is not afraid to try anything new.

When he came over for the first time, I was so flustered, I burnt the frozen dumplings I was cooking for him. So, he thought that I couldn't cook. But he was sweet about it.

LeBlanc: Des, you look flustered.
me: Well, I kinda burnt the frozen dumplings.

(Parts of them were actually black. I had made dumplings millions of times before this, mind you.)

LeBlanc: Oh, that's ok. That's how I like my dumplings.
me: You like them burnt?
LeBlanc: Exactly. Perfect burntness. Yumm.

Maybe that's why he always offers to cook. Until I made him dinner on Valentine's Day. I am proud to say I roasted an entire chicken. Roasted chicken and potatoes with garlic and rosemary. Very yummy. And easy.

LeBlanc got us tickets to see the musical - The Sound of Music. A little bit into the show, I turn to ask LeBlanc something. And I notice he starting to doze... I poke him. He dozes in random parts - the boring parts, he assures me. And I prod and kick him when I notice it. I felt a little bad that he was missing out, or maybe he wasn't enjoying it.

At the end of the night, I ask him.

me: Did you have fun tonight? I feel kinda bad. I feel like you wasted your money because you were asleep. Or bored.
LeBlanc: Des, I think I got a good amount of musical tonight. I don't enjoy them as much as you, but I think that I was awake for the most enjoyable parts. So I optimized my awake time.
me: And the parts you were sleeping?
LeBlanc: They weren't that interesting. To me. Talking bores me. But the set was awesome!!!

(Note: If you bring a guy to a musical, make sure it has an awesome set, it will distract them from the boring bits.)

LeBlanc: Besides, I had great company. It was a great atmosphere. Great music. Singing, dancing. It was a pretty fun Valentine's Day, if you ask me. Don't feel bad, Des. I have a short attention span. I'm glad you liked the musical.

Things with LeBlanc are going well. I'm pretty content right now. Who would have thunk LeBlanc would be such a sweetheart? I certainly didn't think so when he was making fun of me non-stop when we first traveled together. Boys.

Thoughts at the Mall

2009-02-19T21:17:00.001-05:00

Being in my mid-twenties, sometimes I get hit with the "Wow, I’m an adult" feeling. The feeling that I am no longer carefree and naïve. Little things, such as, having to apply eye cream at night, or realizing my metabolism has slowed down. To bigger things, such as having responsibilities to myself, my family and my friends. If I make a mistake, it's up to me to fix it.

Sometimes, I want to go back to those times where I didn't have to be as responsible, those teenager years. I usually smarten up pretty quickly, and instead of yearning for my youth, I am grateful for some of the wisdom I have acquired over the years.

Take last Friday, for instance. I spent a good 3 hours in the mall while waiting to meet up for dinner with a friend. In those god-for-saken 3 hours, I got tired of roaming the stores (shopping is more fun with people), and sat down to read my finance book, "She Laughed all the way to the Bank."

Surrounding me were a bunch of teenagers. Girls with tight clothes with TNA labels, giggling and flirting with the boys. Guys with baggy pants, only about 5 sizes too big for them held up by belts to their knees, trying to be all "cool". All texting on their Blackberries and rifling through their Lululemon bags. They took pictures of themselves, sitting in each other laps, with their digital cameras and complained about homework and working.

You know, back when I was in middle school and high school, these were probably the cool kids. Popular kids. The kids with friends who hung out in crowds by the entrance to cafeteria. Whereas me and my friends hung out in the library. Doing our homework.

I still don't have a Blackberry, though I do have a super cute Nokia (which I got for $0). I still haven't bought an article of clothing from TNA. Or Lululemon. (Though I have been tempted to on a couple occasions. Then reality slaps me - a tank top for $54?! Puh-lease!!) And, yet, I'm probably the one with the income to do so (compared to teenagers who probably earn minimum wage).

But the difference (well, one of them) between those girls (who represent what I wanted to be back when I was a teenager) and present me, is that, I realized my mom was right when she said that your friends won't care about what you wear. In high school and middle school, when all the cool kids had their brand name clothes, and cool accessories - it's part of what made them fit in. And, now, I don't need that. At all. I prefer to spend my money elsewhere. On things that make me feel good, not on proving myself to someone else.

Then, I feel so glad that that part of my life is in the past. That I am now wiser, and realize how silly I used to be when I had those moments to want to fit in with crowds of people who weren't even interested in me. And, I am very thankful for the wisdom my parents tried to pass on to me about making friends. You only need a couple good ones. And those good ones, could care less about how you look.

Now, applying eye cream doesn't seem so bad :)

TNA. Completely overrated.

When Life Gets Busy

2009-02-10T22:38:00.003-05:00

OK. So maybe I was a little too ambitious in my last post of starting two other blogs. haha.

One step at a time, Des.

However, I was definitely serious about taking my finances more seriously and arming myself with knowledge of budgeting and money stuff.

When my real life gets busy, my virtual life is a little bit neglected. And it's not that I don't think about writing, it's just that it never gets done.

However, let's start off with some personal finance.

So, I've been working for the past 7 months or so. After working for 6 months, I saved enough to clear my student debt (about $8000 - so, it's quite small). Then, I realized that my bank balance was pretty much right back where I started before I started my job.

I had about $10,000 sitting in a GIC ever since I started university since I had earned money through a part time job that I had been saving for university. However, I was fortunate enough to get some scholarships to supplement my tuition. Along with working every four months through co-op, I was able to leave my GIC alone.

After traveling, my checking account was pretty much gone, and I borrowed some money from my sister until my first pay check came.

I guess, what really surprised me was that I really didn't know where my money had gone in the last 6 months. I sat down to tally my major purchases and expenses, and it really hit me hard that it was definitely a lot easier to earn money than to save it.

My net income is a little over $2500 a month, plus an initial signing bonus.

Major expenses in the past 6 months:
$8000 Student loans
$1000 New mattress and bed frame
$1100 2 visits to IKEA for small furniture and house hold items (at that time, I only had 1 fork and 1 spoon as utensils)
$2600 Rent for 6 months
$700 Transportation for 6 months
$400 Visit to Ottawa including airfare, a new leather jacket, spending there
$220 Used furniture
$600 groceries (estimated $100 a month)
$120 Sport team league fees
$100 Wedding gift
$50 Beach weekend

Misc --> Eating out, movies, shopping for work clothes

Wow.

So, this is one of the motivations behind me wanting to track my finances. I don't regret my decisions on my spending. I guess, it just would've been nice to know at the time, how I was spending my money. A lot of it is start up - such as the furniture and house hold stuff. Now I am not that surprised that after I paid of my loans, there isn't much left.

More to come :) and wish me luck.

Organization!

2009-01-27T19:13:00.003-05:00

So, I've been trying to make some changes in my life.

I think I've gotten over the initial hump of "oh-my-god-I-am-no-longer-in-school-even-though-I-have-been-for-the-last-seventeen-years-of-my-life" crisis. Yay, me :)

I have gotten to the point that I am not that overwhelmed with my life. I have great sisters whom are my best friends and can talk about anything to. I have a great job right out of university as a consulting engineer. I am really liking dating a really great guy. I am on good terms with my parents. I have great friends, keep in touch even if we're far apart, and see my close ones as often as I can. AND I just paid off all my student loans.

Life is good, and I'm enjoying.

I think I was initially overwhelmed with everything because I felt like I had to know everything. Where I will be in 10 years from now. Even 5 years from now. From everything in terms of career, investments, house, car, boyfriend/significant other, etc etc.

Now, I know, and have convinced myself that that is silly. People are constantly changing. I am constantly changing, and to think that I can see into the future is silly. And also impossible.

So, instead of worrying about the future, I am just going to enjoy the present, and set some short term goals for myself.

A couple of areas of development, I am looking to improve are how I look at my finances and taking care of my body.

Not that I spend frivolously or eat very poorly. I think that is next to impossible with the way I was brought up (the Asian cheap genes). But I would like to know more about finances, track them and see where my money is going. Then, I can see if I am really spending my money where I want to be. I want to learn about investing, and do some of it myself. I would also like a place to record my journey along this path

I have a passion for food, and think it might be a good idea to have a place where I can record my cooking and eating woes (and triumphs). I usually only cook about twice a week, since I'm living on my own.

And even though, I can do all that on one blog. I would like to experiment with having 3 blogs. One dedicated to my weekly journal of my personal thoughts of my life (that's this one). One that is similar to a personal finance blog. And one more for my recipes and adventures dining out.

I like to have things organized into categories, and I'm actually really excited to get started on this little project of mine. I will post the links when I get them up and running :)

Wish me luck, and feel free to check them out!

Dancing

2009-01-21T21:26:00.005-05:00

Although I have 2 left feet, I love to dance.

Last Friday, I went out with some friends for a night of salsa. It was so awesome.

I took a couple of beginner salsa lessons at school during college. Really, with salsa, it's all about the guy. If the guy can lead, he can make any girl look good.

It took a few tries, but eventually myself and my friends all found our salsa partner for the night. My partner was awesome. He was definitely better than me, but was also very patient in teaching me and helping me learn. Wasn't too hard to look at either. Have I mentioned that I have had a thing for Middle Eastern men since traveling to Egypt? :)

I guess with dancing, flirty might be inevitable. I wasn't interested in more than dancing, and told him so. We kept dancing and I just realized how much fun I was missing out on. Salsa, I will never foresake thee, again.

I got a call from LeBlanc later that night. He actually worked around the corner from the club we were at. I invited him to join us if he was up for some salsa. Unfortunately, LeBlanc did not have any rhythm. But he did put up an honest effort, and I thought it was cute that he was trying :) Though, I swear, at times, I feared for my life when he tried to spin me.

Kiss the Rain

2009-01-18T21:30:00.002-05:00

Sometimes when I listen to music, it's just so beautiful that it makes me want to cry. Music invokes such strong emotions, I am always in awe of how people can create something so beautiful.

When I heard this song on the electric violin, I just put in on repeat for the rest of the night.

I have decided to print out my pictures into a photo album (non digital one) since my photos just stay on my hard drive and I never look at them. I was sorting through my hard drive of pictures, and it was the first time that I had looked at pictures of Almond and myself in a while. It's still not exactly easy to look at. This song was playing in the background, and it made me think back to the various experiences I have had.

Whether they be with Almond, with my sisters, with my friends, traveling, working, studying abroad. These various experiences make up who I am. Parts of my life are sad, parts of it is happy. But I can't go back to the past, and I can only learn from it, cherish the memories and move forward.

Maybe some people do really come into our lives for a short time, and move on.

One Step at at Time

2009-01-15T21:19:00.005-05:00

I've always been someone who likes to have a plan, to know where I'm going, and where I am at the moment. I guess, one thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be that person all the time, because, frankly, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going and where I want to end up.

I just know one thing. The most important thing to me is to be happy. To be content. To be able to spend time with the people I care about. To do the things that I want to do. To be able to find satisfaction in my work.

I used to think of myself as someone who had "it" together. To be honest, I used to imagine myself as one of those people who find their true love in high school, and then get married after college and live happily ever after. And when you see yourself like that for a while, it's hard to convince yourself that, "No, you didn't 'fail'. It just didn't work out." As silly as that might sound to you.

I guess in my relatively short time of dating, I feel as though I've learned more about what I don't want than what I want.

I don't want someone who is arrogant. Biggest turn off. Ever. I was in Singapore and one of my classmates asked me out for dinner and a movie. "Wahoo!" I thought, "My first date in a foreign country." After the movie, we went out for dinner and he spent 95% of that time telling me about how great he was, and all the important people who he knew. Yawn.

I also realize that I can be with the nicest guy in the world, and there would be no chemistry whatsoever. I had no urge to kiss them, and thought of what I would do, should they try to lean in for a kiss. Which also brings the question, why do girls not like nice guys? Is it really because they make it too easy or show all their cards? I don't know. I really wanted to like a nice guy, though.

I realize that education and career goals do matter to me. Even though I'm not attracted to a work-a-holic, I have a lot more respect for someone who has career goals, or life goals. Someone who tells how great it is that they are watching episodes of House at work, doesn't float well with me. (Haagan Daz)

I also learned that I could really like a guy because he's smart, attractive, fun and still have this teeny tiny bit of hope, even when he turns out to be a jerk. Why?! I don't know. (Don't worry, that phase has passed.)

With LeBlanc right now, I have no plan. I don't know where we're going. Where we are, though, is good for me right now. We're dating. We see each other about once a week. I get massages, and flowers :) I like this testing period.

Last week, I went over and he cooked me dinner. Shepherd's pie :) And the weekend before I made him dumplings (frozen ones).

I like this part of dating, I feel like I'm testing him out (for lack of a better term), and I haven't really found anything that I don't like.

Neither of us are big phone people, though we do talk about once a week. I wonder if that's a no-no. I remember I used to talk to Almond for hours on the phone. Every relationship is different, and I'm trying to just do what I feel comfortable with, instead of over analyzing and over thinking everything. Have I turned into a non-phone person?

I know that I don't feel like I'm crazy about him - in that way where I can't think of anything else. That's not to say that I don't think about him (quite a bit more now, actually), and I look forward to seeing him. But... is this how things start? Am I taking baby steps?

Call me crazy, but a part of me is thinking that I might find something that I won't like, or he might find me utterly boring, and it will be "the end". Yea, I am quite the optimist, aren't I?

$45 on diapers in May 1989

2009-01-12T18:59:00.004-05:00

That's how much my parents spent on diapers in May of 1989. Their organization and financial detailing and spending is something that I wish I had half of. It truly is amazing.

It's crazy. The older I get, the more I am in complete and utter shock and how my parents were able to pull through raising us kids.

When I was little, and until I was in grade 7, my dad was the sole provider for my family. My mom babysat for cash when I was in grade 2 until grade 7, and after that she went back to work. Though, it was very little in hind sight, it was enough that we could save away and use my dad's income for most of the day to day spending.

Even though my dad was a book keeper in Hong Kong and my mom an accountant, when they came to Canada, they have always worked in factories. My was working making airplane wings at MacDonald Douglas until he was laid off. Then, he worked at a wall paper company in the press lines until he was laid off. And until lately, he has been working in the assembly lines of a car manufacturing company.

My dad's pay cheque for the month was just a little over what I make now in 2 weeks. I know that the dollar was worth more in the past, but it astounds me and humbles me that my parents were able to provide so much for their 3 little girls, when they had so little themselves.

This makes me feel quite guilty for not knowing where my money is going. It's not that I spend frivolously (or, at least I don't think that I do), I just realized that if you asked me how much I spend on groceries last month, I can't give you an exact number.

So this is one of my new year resolutions - too keep better track of my expenses.

Next step would be to start looking into some investments, but first I'm going to focus on paying of my student loan (so they can stop getting all that interest from me!), and tracking my expenses. Wish me luck! :)

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays :)

2008-12-29T21:08:00.005-05:00

I realize how truly blessed I am to be able to celebrate my holidays with family and loved ones.

Even with kinks and bumps along the road, my family has always managed to be there for me, every step of the way. For that, I am eternally grateful.

This Christmas was my first grown up Christmas. That means that instead of getting 2 weeks off, I only get two and a half days off. Le sigh. But, it also makes me want choose who I want to spend that time with.

The day before Christmas Eve, who do I run into at the bus stop, but Almond. I see him as he is running to catch the bus, and I just got off. He stops to chat.

I was feeling a bit awkward, and pointed out that his bus was leaving. Even though I knew it came by often. He said, that he could take the next one. He asked how I was. Usual small talk. I wished him a Merry Christmas. He said it was nice seeing me.

I got an email from him a few days ago.

from: Almond
to: Des
date: Fri, Dec 26, 2008 at 12:39 AM
subject: Merry Christmas

Hi Des,

It was nice to see you again the other day. Just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. I hope everything is going well for you.

Sincerely,
Almond

I know I should have responded earlier, but a part of me just wasn't sure what to say.

The thing that I realize now is, that I'm not mad at him anymore. I'm not bitter anymore. In fact, I'm just really sad.

Really sad that our relationship ended the way it did, and that there is nothing in the world that can make that better. So many times, I had wished that he could say those things to me that I desperately wanted to hear, and that somehow, things would be better. But, I now realize that there are no such words.

What we had is gone. He can't bring it back. And neither can I. It isn't so much that I miss him, or that I miss our relationship. It's that I miss who we were and what we had. But I can't go backwards. I can't unlearn what I have learned throughout our relationship, and our break up. I am no longer that naive, innocent, wide eyed girl.

But I know what it was like to be in love. And I also know what it's like to have my heart broken. Perhaps the memories are all that really exist.

I know that I could have responded with something that was impersonal. However, I decided to give him a glimpse into my life. And I didn't ask him a question so he could chose to respond however he chooses to.

from: Des
to: Almond
date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 4:39 PM
subject: Re: Merry Christmas

Hey Almond,

Thanks for the Christmas wishes. I hope you had a nice Christmas with your family. It was nice seeing you again, as well.

I'm not sure if your holiday has ended yet, mine were pretty short. I guess that comes with being a grown up :P. I'm still juggling this post graduation-work reality. I hope you are doing well.

All the best in the new year!

Des

All I know is that, Almond is in the past. He was a huge part of my past, but that is where he belongs. He helped me become the person I am today, and I am grateful. I know that I was a big part of his life, too, and I am glad that in the time we had together, we were able to make each other happy.

2 years...

2008-12-22T20:01:00.004-05:00

That's pretty much how long it's been since I've last had sex. Actually, I'm not sure if last night counted. We had a little mal-function.

So there is a part of me that believes that Cinderella's god mother really existed, and that she and her prince lived happily ever after. And, as I grow older, I feel as though that part of me gets smaller and smaller. Things aren't simple any more and compromises are made. And sometimes, our minds live in the fairy tale land, but in the real world, we're making compromises more than we would like. I'm referring to my tough times with Almond.

For instance, I used to think that sex was something that was out of this world. It wasn't just sex, but it was making love. To the person that you love more than anything in this world.

To be honest with myself, most of the time, I just wanted to have sex with Almond because it felt good, not because I wanted to be taken to another galaxy or something. That's not to say that I didn't care about Almond.

Last night, I just wanted to get laid. LeBlanc and I have been having some heavy make out sessions, and it's crossed my mind a few times. I loved the feeling of his lips on my body. I hadn't wanted anyone to kiss me like that in a while.

I think a part of me, is starting to like what we have. As undefined, and random as it is. I was so afraid to have any expectation, because I feel that the consequences are two fold. 1) I might get dissappointed and more importantly, 2) There might be some expectation of me to feel a certain way, and I'm not sure if I can or am ready to feel that much, yet.

And yet, I am starting to have expectations. LeBlanc said that he would visit me this Friday. Unfortunately, there was a snow storm, and he couldn't make it. It wasn't his fault, and it would have been crazy to come up, but I couldn't help but feel a tinge sadness - wishing he was here. Then, I had wanted him to come up on the Saturday or Sunday. And, he did.

We watched a movie and ate my left overs. It was nice just snuggling on the couch and watching "Lars and the Real Girl."

After the movie, we made our way to my room.

Most of me is perfectly fine with what happened between us. Blame it on hormones, horniness, or just instincts. Another part of me is questioning myself, shouldn't he be your boyfriend to do stuff like that?

But I know that if we had established the whole "boyfriend / girlfriend" status, it wouldn't really make things easier. I would still have my baggage and fear of committing to something that might not feel right. LeBlanc would still be the carefree guy, and I would rather have a moment be just what it is, without having to justify it.

Though we did have some talking last night. That was the first time that LeBlanc and I talked about our past relationships, and thoughts. He told me that he's really nervous around me, partly because he was afraid he wasn't witty enough (yay! he appreciates my smart aleck remarks!).

He told me that he thought I was really rational and not too emotional, which he found kinda mysterious. (There may be some lines lost in translation since we were both on the brink of sleep and still mumbling about.) I told him that as cliche as it sounded, I was once a terribly emotionaly person. But after getting hurt, I learned to take care of myself more, and sometimes that meant that my emotions aren't seen. Sometimes, things are easier to deal with that way. But it didn't mean that I didn't have them.

Then he tells me that sometimes it's ok to let go.

Wow. This sounds like a really cliched conversation.

A part of me, is glad that I was able to be honest. With both myself and LeBlanc. I can't help but feel what I feel. At the same time, I can't help it if I'm not feeling something.

Just Hanging Out... in Ottawa

2008-12-08T20:39:00.003-05:00

I took a little weekend get away to Ottawa this weekend to visit my baby sister. Ok, she's 19, and not a baby, but still.

It was so damn cold!!! I'm talking about minus 15 degrees Celsius - which is about 7 degrees Fahrenheit. With the windchill it was almost 10 degrees colder. (I'm complaining so much, you'd think that I just immigrated from Southeast Asia...)

Anyway, we hung out and I realized how special the time we shared really was. Even though we were essentially doing nothing special. We cooked dinner, watched a movie. Talked about Law and Order episodes we've seen (more so me, than her), and then fell asleep. We walked around downtown Ottawa and ducked into coffee shops and other heated shelters. Browsed used bookstores and ate Beavertails - yummm! We hit the gym together, then pigged out on desserts afterwards. The usual.

We eventually made our way to a Second Cup and ordered some lattes as we chatted about life. Boys. School. The lattes were frankly disgusting, but our conversation was great. Here was my little sister and I talking about anything and everything. And I realize how really rare a moment like this is in the last 4 months.

It makes me think back to the time that we were kids, and how easy life was back then. It makes me think that what we had back then - was all the time in the world, and we didn't even know it. It's both beautiful and a little sad.

But it also makes me feel so grateful that we have grown so close. That I can tell her things that I might not be able to tell other people, and know that she's not judging me. It's kind of comforting knowing that we have similar fears, and I feel like we are facing them together, by sharing how we feel about them.

I feel that as I get older, there are fewer people who really matter to me. My family, has become all the more important to me. Especially in the past year. I'm not sure where I would be without them.

It is what it is...

2008-12-04T20:42:00.006-05:00

I'm sitting here watching the latest episode of Ugly Betty, and sometimes, she reminds me so much of myself. The part of her that's responsible and serious. Sometimes, I think that I'm just too serious and responsible.

I know it's cliche, but I guess a part of me if going through some kind of quarter life crisis. Maybe crisis is a bit of a strong word. I guess I've been working full time for about 6 months. I feel like I don't really know anything. That my time is being billed to projects that I really don't know that much about. I guess I need to learn to ask for help more.

I come home and I'm tired, and most of the time, I don't feel like doing much. In fact, I'm so afraid that I'm just going to be coming home, eating and sleeping. Gah!! That's why I need to keep doing sports -- but my last soccer game is next Wednesday, and that's it. Until next season starts in January.

I understand why people gain weight so easily. It didn't really happen to me in university, and I don't want it to happen to me now. That should be motivation enough to get out and do things. And yet, it's so easy to stay in.

A part of me is questioning -- is this it?!

Sometimes I feel like I know what I don't want, and don't really know what I want. I feel like I had done all the right things. I've always acted smart and responsibly, and now I'm wondering where it got me. I never did drugs, never even smoked a cigarette, always got good grades, finished at the top of my class in high school, had a boyfriend who was a good guy, finished my degree in engineering, traveled in my undergrad to places I never knew existed, have a good job.

Now what?

Should there be more? Or should I be happier? I feel like I am in such a great place in my life right now, but I don't really know how to enjoy it. I feel like it should feel different. And I really feel scared. And confused.

It's like I always knew what the next step was. After high school, it was university. After university it was work. And now that I'm here, I'm not sure if this is really where I want to be for the rest of my life. Which is the really scary part. I think that I can be happy right now, but I'm kinda worried about being happy forever here.

Which I guess, is silly. Now that I'm writing it out.

I think that a part of me is exploring that part with LeBlanc. The "before" Des does not do stuff like have slumber parties with guys that I just started seeing. That Des does not allow him to touch me. That Des usually plays it safe until she eventually gets bored cuz there is no excitement. Or maybe it's just cuz I haven't met someone who excites me, yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about LeBlanc. A part of me likes parts of him. Who can really complain when he's such a great kisser? Another part of me likes our random talks walking back from the movies or from dinner. Another part of me is drawn to his care-free persona because that means that I don't have to feel like I'm tied down, or that I have to have things figured out.

A part of me is scared that I might start expecting more or want this to go farther than what it is now. LeBlanc is not exactly Mr. Commitment. And even though, I can't call myself Ms. Commitment.

I just don't want to be disappointed.

A part of me feels like I'm being the carefree, careless person that I wasn't when I was in high school or university. When I think about it (which isn't really too hard for me to do), I question what kind of a message I am sending him.

It's probably not a really good one. But then, LeBlanc is one of the least judgmental people I know. I hope he hasn't judged me too much.

He asked me to go to his work Christmas party next week.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, still. But I think I'm ok with that for now. Defining something doesn't change how I do or don't feel about a situation. I think I'm just going to go with it for now. At least, try to, anyway.

me: So. I'm not sure exactly what we are or not, and that's why I'm confused. I usually like to have things clearly defined. And I believe that is not us.

LeBlanc: Would you prefer to define this?

me: Um... I'm not sure if that makes it easier or if that helps. I like how things are now. I don't like to have expectations because it just makes things complicated.

LeBlanc: What sort of expectations would you have?

me: I don't know. I like hanging out with you. Believe it or not, I don't usually have slumber parties at my guy friends' houses. I'm kinda confused at my actions.

LeBlanc: Well, we aren't exactly just friends.

me: I know. I don't know what we are. I like hanging out with you, and I like certain aspects of you. But I don't want to ruin it by having expectations.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations would you have?

me: I'm not sure. Would this be a regular occurrence? This once a week thing. Phone calls. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can talk to you on the phone, you talk so slow. You might put me to sleep, or I might bore you.

LeBlanc: I think I like this once a week thing. I would like to continue it. The phone. I can do phone calls. I would let you know if you were boring me.

me: Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that.

LeBlanc: What I meant was that I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. I would let you know.

me: Oh.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations did you have of me before?

me: Honestly?

LeBlanc: Yes.

me: Ok. Don't take this the wrong way. They weren't very high. I kinda have this expectation for you. You -- in the general sense. General sense, meaning, like my guy friends. And half the times, they don't keep their plans. It's just too much work to get angry when they cancel, that I just don't expect them really keep them. I know they don't mean to disappoint, and I don't like to get mad. So it's kinda a win-win situation.

LeBlanc: So you had some low expectations of me?

me: Not you per se. You in the general sense. Please don't take it the wrong way.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations do you have of me now?

me: I'm not sure.

I don't think we figured much out that talk. I told him what was on my mind, and I'm glad that we talked about it. I don't really like to have things weigh on me, and it helped me realize a couple of things. One of them being that I can talk to LeBlanc and he's a pretty good listener to my mumble jumble.

Things seem to be a bit awkward the next morning. He doesn't hold my hand, and then, I'm not so sure that this really is going anywhere. Or if it can.

The subway was a short ride. At his stop, we part ways.

me: So. Are you going to tell me what to expect? I don't like surprises.

LeBlanc: I.... I think that we're going to be ok, Des.

me: Huh?! What's that mean?

LeBlanc: I think that it's ok to have higher expectations.

Then he kissed me goodbye.

So, I'm supposed to let him know about his Christmas dinner next weekend. He's staying in Calgary this weekend, and I'm heading out to Ottawa to visit my sister.

LeBlanc: Do you want to come with me to my work's Christmas party?

me: Ummm. Isn't it a 60's theme? I don't have an afro.

LeBlanc: That's ok.

me: I think I'm supposed to go home. Can I let you know later?

LeBlanc: Sure.

me: So, I'm going to recycle a line that you used.

LeBlanc: What's that?

me: 'So, I didn't make you feel so awkward that you never want to see me, again?'

LeBlanc: I said that?!

me: Yep.

LeBlanc: And what was your response.

me: I think I said, "okay..."

LeBlanc: That's a good answer.

me: Good night.

I'm not sure why I like to re-write parts of our conversations. Maybe I just like reading them :)

I think I'm okay.

Do I Have to Know How I Feel?

2008-11-28T07:58:00.003-05:00

LeBlanc and I went out. It was a really nice steak house. Quite fancy and romantic, actually. Which is not how LeBlanc is (from what I know of him).

LeBlanc: So I didn't make you feel so awkward that you don't ever want to see me, again?

me: I guess not. Anyway, I owe you dinner. I got this one.

LeBlanc: No, no. I got this one.

me: You got it last time. I got this one.

LeBlanc: Trust me. You will change your mind once you see the menu. I'll make a deal with you. I'll get this one, but you'll have to go out with me, again.

me: That's not fair!

I look at the menu.

me: OK. You can get this one.

LeBlanc: I've been plotting to get you to go out for dinner with me here ever since I came here with work. Now, my plot has succeeded.

me: Why didn't you just ask if I wanted to for steak the first time?

LeBlanc: Because you wanted Indian food. Trust me, this steak is really good. Probably one of the best steaks I've had in my life.

Dinner was good. I think LeBlanc has having a steak-gasm.

I was heading up to Waterloo to visit my sister last weekend. There was a bus that left at 9:30pm and one that left at 11:30pm. I told LeBlanc my first bus time.

After dinner we went and sat in the lobby. We were both full and tired.

I'm not sure if it's the buzz from the wine. Or maybe something else.

We got to talking. He started playing with my hand and holding my hand.

me: I actually have another bus at 11:30pm that I can take. But you'll have to entertain me until then.

LeBlanc: I can do that.

...............

A couple things have happened in between. I'm not sure what it is that's going on. Which confuses me. I like to have things clearly defined. And this is clearly not defined.

What I know.

I liked kissing him.

To be continued.....

Is it true...?

2008-11-20T22:10:00.007-05:00

I once heard that guys tease you because they like you. I'm wondering if there is any truth to that.

Which brings me to this story I'd like to share. It's about LeBlanc.

One night, during my exchange term in Singapore, a group of us decide to hit up an all-you-can-eat sushi bar downtown. Now, I'm a huge foodie, so when I do all-you-can-eat, I don't hold back. I wore my empire waist shirt (which could hide all the food in the world!).

After dinner, LeBlanc teases me about my shirt.

LeBlanc: So, Des, when is the baby due?

me: Haha. Very funny. I wore this shirt, so I can eat as much as I want without anything showing.

LeBlanc: So, is it a girl or a boy?

This goes on for the duration of the night. Alternating between his two great lines. It was St. Pattie's day, so we hit up a bar. The teasing continues all night. By the end of it, I was tired of it, and kinda pissed.

me: Alright, already. Give it a rest. What do you know about style anyway, you're in engineering.

LeBlanc: Hey, I take offense to that. I think I look very stylish in my fake LaCoste shirts.

I shoot daggers.

The next week, the same group of us goes out for chili crab. (Oh, what I would do for a plate of chili crab right now....Yummm) Anyway, back to the topic. LeBlanc apologizes.

LeBlanc: Des, I'm really sorry. I think I went over board with the teasing last week. I feel terrible.

me: Yea, you should. You made fun of me all night. All. Night. I don't like being called pregnant. No girl every does, believe it or not. Unless she is in fact, pregnant.

LeBlanc: I know, I know. I'm sorry. I felt so bad, I got you a sorry gift.

me: You did? Oh, you didn't have to.

(Now I feel bad because I think that he thinks that I can't take a joke.)

LeBlanc: No, really. It's just a little something.

me: Really? What did you get me?

LeBlanc: It's a surprise. I'll give it to you after dinner.

me: Uh. OK.

After dinner, LeBlanc hands me a bag. I look inside.

It's a pair of baby mitts. The. Nerve. I hurl the mitts at him.

LeBlanc: It's for the baby. It might get cold when it's back in Canada.

--------------------------------
I never thought much of it, though it's a funny story I like to tell when people ask me why I carry my cell phone in a baby mitt. Just thought it might be a nice story to share.

On another note, I'm supposed to have dinner with LeBlanc, tomorrow. I'm still uncertain if we will meet up. I talked about his lack of dependability here. He's been in Calgary most of the week for work, but is supposed to be coming back from Calgary tonight. We'll see.

Like I said, I Overthink....

2008-11-15T16:23:00.006-05:00

So, in this post, I talked about how I would over think.

At least I have a great support system that lets me know when I'm doing this.

One of my friends, LeBlanc, asked if I would like to go out for dinner this Friday. LeBlanc and I have been friends since Singapore, where we both did exchange. He's a great guy, really nice, except that he is quite undependable. He's the type of guy who is always late, and likes to change plans last minute.

Anyway, we've met up a few weeks ago for dinner (just as friends) and I invited him to my housewarming last weekend. He surprised everyone by showing up, and bringing chili. (We have some common friends, and we all knew of his carefree persona).

I get an email from LeBlanc on earlier on the week asking if I wanted to go out for dinner. I didn't think much of it, though it did catch me by surprise. The only thing I was afraid of, was if I made it downtown, and he changed his plans last minute, or if he would have to work.

So after he convinced me that, no, he wasn't going to change his plans last minute, and gave me free reins for the choice of food, I agreed.

We went out for Indian food here. Really good food. And we polished off two bottles of Reisling. After way too much food, we went on a search for dessert. At first, we were deciding between ice cream and cakes. Then we decided on crepes. Unfortunately, the crepe place was packed. So we end up at Starbucks, and we split a brownie.

It just so happened to be the opening weekend of the Art Gallery of Ontario. After debating whether the structural frame was made of wood or steel, we decided to take a quick peek inside. At this point, we're both really tired, and I'm afraid I might miss my last bus home, if I catch the subway. He says I can stay at his place, he'll sleep on the couch.

Right.

We just chilled at his place. Looking through random pictures in Facebook. He showed me the garage that him and his family built, and some pictures he printed out from traveling. He starts massaging my neck and shoulders, and it felt nice. He played with my hair and traced my arms to my fingers. Who would have thunk that my friend, LeBlanc, was actually a big teddy bear (?).

He starts to tickle me and pulls me over to his bed.

LeBlanc: I want to find out if you're ticklish everywhere.

I wanted to be tickled by him. It was only last week that I thought he was really cute, when he had this kinda mischievous smile (in all the time that I've known him). So, I said the first thing that came into my mind.

Me: I have to pee.

LeBlanc laughs.

LeBlanc: Alright, we'll resume after. (Or something to that effect.)

I come back. We look through some more Facebook photos. He turns around and picks me up, drops me on his bed, and the tickling starts. Have I mentioned how I like to be tickled. And he's ticklish, too.

There's a moment when he looks at me, and I really wanted him to kiss me. And he did. It was a nice kiss, and I kiss him back. It went on for a while, and I liked it. I didn't want it to go further though, and told him so.

LeBlanc: What did you think when I asked if you wanted to go for dinner?

Me: I thought you wanted to go for food.

LeBlanc: I wanted to ask you for a while, now. I'm not really good at this dating... thing. That's what I do sometimes, when I try to initiate things. And by sometimes, I mean never.

Me: Really? Did you expect this to happen?

LeBlanc: No. Until it did. Did you?

Me: No. I figured I'd just kinda go with it.

LeBlanc: Well, I'm glad you're open to ambiguity. I had a good time tonight.

Me: Me, too.

LeBlanc: Goodnight.

Me: Goodnight.

We go to sleep. I wish I could say that I slept.

The next morning was kinda awkward. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave, or wait for him to get up. I hate it when I think about things. I started thinking, "Oh shit. And I was sobered up when we were making out. I didn't even think that I liked him as more than a friend."

We go for breakfast. It was a little awkward.

LeBlanc: So, I'm not sure if I confused you last night. But I had fun, and I would like to do it again, if you're up for it.

Me: Is this weird? Were you drunk last night?

LeBlanc: No, I wasn't drunk.

Me: Niether was I.

LeBlanc: Maybe this will make things clearer.

He leans in and kisses me. Which is kinda awkward because it caught me off-guard and I didn't really kiss him back.

LeBlanc: Ok. That was a bit awkward. I know I'm not big on committment, but if I would like to go for dinner, again, sometime, if you want to. You don't have to tell me now.

Me: Ok.

I come home and and pass out and get up 4PM. Then, I call my sister and write this post.

I had a lot of fun. I was just thinking about it too much after the fact. I was thinking way too far, ahead and making a big deal of nothing. I was scared because I wasn't sure if I was ready for anything. I just thought way too much and lost sight of this.

We both had a good time. Maybe we'll do it sometime, again. And then, go from there.

Exhale. Now I am not going to think about, and what better way than to watch McHotsalot on Made of Honour.

It's Party Time!

2008-11-06T21:14:00.004-05:00

That's right, ladies and gents. I am hosting a party at my apartment this Saturday. Woot woot! :)

I've never done this before. It's just my housewarming party that I invited a few people to. My circle of friends is small, but I figured why not mix in the people I play sports with my friends from university and some from work. Maybe throwing parties is part of growing up (?). Who knows. I am kinda excited.

I went to Black's today to print up a couple of pictures I am decorating my bare walls with. I love photo's. I don't think I appreciate paintings quite as much. I wish I had a better eye for photography. I should actually sort my pictures instead of just taking a million of them and uploading them to my computer.

Anyway, I also got some booze. A bottle of white wine, red wine, and some Absolute Peach Vodka. Yumm. Might need to get a game or two. It will be a potluck, so food is taken care of. I just bought some chips and juices to mix drinks with. Man, the party planning takes work!

This is should be fun. Now I need to come up with a cool playlist. Can't have people listening to my Celine Dion and Sarah McLachlan collection, now can we?

I have a date tomorrow night with the Nurse. We've gone out a few times and though I don't sense any chemistry, I like hanging out with him, so I'll just go with that. We're going rock climbing. Should be fun. I get to stare at his ass when he's up at the top, and he gets to stare at mine. It's a win-win situation ;)

Now to clean up! I have these 2 songs on repeat as I clean. Enjoy!

Boy Friends

2008-11-05T22:42:00.007-05:00

My two closest girl friends, are - well, girls. But, most of my friends are guys. Sometimes, I feel like it's just easier to have guy friends. No doubt, there was an abundance of them when I was studying engineering in university.

I know boys are strange creatures, and I still have no clue how they function. I really am probably the biggest dunce when it comes to knowing if someone is showing interest in me, or not. The guy probably has to write it out in permanent markers, capital letters, with some flashing neon lights, before I know even ask my friends, "So, you think he kinda likes me?"

Where my friends would reply in chorus, "No shit, Shirlock."

Maybe it's because I was never used to getting attention throughout elementary school or most of high school. I guess I don't like to assume things, because I'm afraid that I would be disappointed, somehow. I don't even really get my hopes up.

I even have trouble figuring out if I really like a guy or not. Or is it that I just find him a really nice guy who I am attracted to. Is this weird? Or I feel like I should like someone because they are just the sweetest guy. And I don't.

People my age are getting married. Having kids. And not that I want to be in that boat. I don't even want to dive into a relationship. I just would like to have more of a clue of my taste. What kind of guy I would like.

I find that I like hanging out with the guys. I like it when I feel they are being extra nice, or paying more attention to me. I like just joking around and teasing them. But, after that, I don't know what I want.

I know that a part of me is also afraid of ending up like my parents. I know they love each other, but sometimes I question it. When they fight. When they fight often, over silly things.

I feel like, in building our family, they lost themselves. They come home from work, and cook, and take care of us (when we were little), and now that they don't have that, it's like they don't know what to do. It's like they stayed together for my sisters and I, mainly.

They put up with each other in-laws, they kept things inside when they should have talked about it, for the duration of their 30-year marriage. Now I wonder if they can ever even talk about it. Does there come a point when you keep so many things pent up that it's too much to go through? I don't ever want to be in that situation. It scares the hell out of me. I would rather be alone, then lonely in a relationship.

The Fighting

2008-11-03T23:10:00.003-05:00

Amidst the partying (more than I've done in a really long time), this weekend. The thing that stood out for me was when my parents came to visit me yesterday. It wasn't a good visit.

My mom had to get her cavities fixed downtown, and they came up to see me after that. We have been discussing the possibility of my getting a car, recently. However, with the economy up in the air, financing a car is a huge burden. So my parents decided that I can take my dad's car (Toyota Corolla 2003) and my dad would take my mom's minivan, and then my mom would car pool with a co-worker to work.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

My dad has no patience.

My mom needs to convince everyone that she's right.

They are both as stubborn as hell.

It was so simple. And yet, so difficult.

My dad just cut my mom off as she was explaining something. Then, my mom kept explaining, and asked why my dad was being so rude. Then kept explaining. Pretty much my dad flew into a rage. They were both yelling at each other. Telling each other to stop talking. Yelling at each other.

I told both my parents to stop talking. To not say anything. I brought my mom to my room, and sat my dad on the couch. Pleading with them to stop yelling. They were both so angry. Angry at something that was so stupid and insignificant.

Sometimes these fights happen when I go home. I don't know what to say in these situations. I feel like a little kid, watching their parents fight. Helpless in the situation. I still feel helpless in the situation. I feel scared.

I feel like my parents keep so much inside. That some day, it might explode. They can't talk about their problems because it seems to always get out of hand when they try to. And it's not the problem they are talking about, its about all the stupid little things that are at the outskirts of the problem. Someone is always trying to prove the other one wrong.

It scares me because I don't want to end up like this. I don't want to see my parents like this. I understand that couples fight, but ... this is too much. I don't know what to do. If there is something I can do. I don't know.

Dehli to Dublin

2008-10-23T09:00:00.003-04:00

I went to their concert in Toronto last night. I'm exhausted this morning and have no idea how I dragged myself out of bed.

They are a fusion of Bhangara (Indian / Bollywood) music and Celtic (Irish) music. I know it sounds a little weird, but I like how it sounds. The Violin really compliments the drums and vocals really well. Check out their website here.

Above is a clip of their performance at Parliament hill on Canada Day. Enjoy!

My Christmas Ball Date

2008-10-21T23:14:00.008-04:00

So, yesterday, I'm out with my friends heading out to our volleyball game. I used to work with a bunch of them from my previous co-op term, and we still play sports together. Volleyball and soccer.

At my old work place, the Christmas party was less formal. People dressed up -- but not too much. No evening gowns. Maybe a sparkly shirt or something. The best part was, it was just for the people at the company. No guests.

For a single gal, like me, this is awesome! Nothing to worry about.

At my new company, we have this fancy Christmas ball. Yes, that's right. A ball.

I like to dress up. I like free delicious food. I don't like it when I don't have a date. So here was my dilemma. My two close guy friends from university had moved away. To the other side of the country. And I don't want to make anyone feel obligated or feel sorry for me and accompany me.

So I asked my sister. Turns out she has exams to study for. Drats.

So, I was telling my friend, N. about it. Kinda complaining to her that I had no date to this fancy ball, and it sucked. Then, one of the guys walking ahead overheard, and volunteered to be my date. Let's call him, Sporty.

Sporty turns around, and puts his arms around my shoulders.

Sporty: Don't worry, Des. I can be your date.

me: Huh? Really?

Sporty: Yes. I've always wanted to go to a fancy ball.

me: Ummm. Sure.

Then, somehow the topic was changed.

I wasn't sure if Sporty really meant it. So after our volleyball game, I asked him if he was serious.

me: So, you're serious about the ball?

Sporty: Of course, I am.

me: So, you're free on the 29th of November?

Sporty: I will make it free.

me: Great. That's awesome!

Sporty: So what colour is your dress?

me: Umm. Not sure yet. What colours are your shirts?

Sporty: I can always get a tie or another shirt to match your dress.

my internal monologue: For real!? Yes!!

So, Sporty and I play soccer and volleyball together. I think he's cute. I don't really know him that well. We hang out cuz we're in the same group of friends and he works with my friends. I know I shouldn't make it more than it is, which is that he's just coming with as a friend. But, I just can't help how I feel, and it is a little jittery and happy.

So today, there were a few emails going back and forth about entree choices and what I would like him to wear. I told him I had a total of about 3 dresses that I had in mind. Two were the Hong Kong style dresses, and one was an Ao Dai (Vietnamese styled pants suit). He said he really liked the Asian styled dresses, they are "refreshing."

Sporty: Would you like me to wear a dark shirt with a light tie? Or a white shirt and coloured tie?

me: The latter.

I offered to help him out with shopping for the tie, if need be. I said that my engineering guy friends usually didn't like shopping, and I didn't want to be too much trouble.

Sporty: I would for sure love some help picking out the tie. I find a female's touch is almost always needed. I am in computer science so I should hate shopping even more since I am a big computer nerd.

Is this flirty? Or no? I'm just going to assume the latter, and enjoy my date.

To recap: I have a date for the Christmas ball. And he's nice. And cute. Tall. And he's going to match me! I'm in a better mood from this weekend, already. And that is why I need to get out more.

The Real Reason

2008-10-18T16:39:00.006-04:00

I know I talked about all the reasons why I didn't like Haagan Daz, anymore. But the real reason we broke up is because I don't think I can care about him, the way that I want to. I'm still heart broken over Almond.

I feel like I don't even know where my heart is. I feel so lost. And I feel like a pathetic idiot for still being hung up on Almond.

I'm not going to lie. I'm still hung up on him. And I hate it. Hate it.

I've been running away from my feelings with activities and dates. At the end of the day, I still feel the same way, and it's frustrating.

As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I've given him my heart. All of it. And he's broken it. But he still has his heart. He can give it to whomever he pleases, and I can't even find the pieces to mine.

This sucks.

Same Mistake

2008-10-18T01:00:00.005-04:00

So, it's a Friday night and I'm up thinking. Thinking nostalgic thoughts. Getting a little emotional. After watching P.S. I Love You, this song is on repeat.

Lately, I've been a bit emotional. It's hard to say why, I just kinda feel like I'm in rut, and I want to get out of it. I guess, the emotional roller coaster is somewhat warranted. A lot of things have happened in the last few months. Recapping:

I am now a new grad.
I am working full time.
I am living on my own -- without roommates, though still renting
I just had my first "official" break up post Almond

And I feel a bit overwhelmed. I feel a bit lost in life. I miss my friends. I miss university life. I'm scared because I'm not sure if I'm ready for "real" life to start, yet. I'm scared because I'm afraid that I won't ever love again.

After Almond and I broke up, I tried to fill every spare minute with stuff. With things to do to take my mind off of thinking about him. I was successful for the most part. I played volleyball. Dodgeball. Soccer. Took up yoga. Salsa dancing. Swimming. Running. Even tried rock climbing. Went out partying. Spent some much needed girl time with my sisters and friends. It was great.

After I moved somewhat out of the city, it has been significantly more difficult to get around via public transit. I've been spending more time at home. I go to work, come back home, cook (sometimes), sleep. And repeat. And repeat.

All this time alone. This time alone that I have worked so hard to avoid since the break up is hitting me really hard. I guess when we broke, after my initial sadness, I wanted to move on. I felt that if I spent too much time dwelling on the past, I was being weak. That he didn't deserve the time I spent thinking about him. But now, that I've been home quite a bit, I've been dwelling. Thinking. And I just feel sad. Almost empty inside.

I feel like I've given him all my love, and I have none left. I feel as though he broke my heart, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do.

When I saw the trailer for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, there was a part that really stuck with me. The part when Alexis Bledel finds out that the man she loved had lied to her about marrying some girl. And then her friend asks her, "So what? He's not married. Why can't you just forget about him, and follow your heart?"

Then Alexis says, "Because! He broke my heart!"

That's how I feel now. Still. After almost 2 years. I feel like my heart is still broken.

It's frustrating. Why am I not over by now? Why do I still feel angry when I think how he just left. After 5 years, he just left me. And he wanted me to fight for him. Because that would've showed him that I cared. Why? I loved him. And he left me. He broke my heart. And it's still broken. Why can't I fix it?

Even though, at the time, it was good to keep myself occupied with activities. Lots of activities. And many that I have grown to love. I think I also need to give myself some "me" time. It has been exhausting trying to run away from my emotions. At the same time, I'm not sure how to face them. I just know I need some time to let myself feel hurt. To feel sad. Even though that was the very thing I was running away from. Maybe you can't just skip all the sad part.

Having said that. I still want to stay active, but maybe, in a healthy way -- instead of just running away from my emotions. I think that I would like more of a mix of what I would to stay involved in.

So after a few months of working, I am having positive cash flow. I have been thinking of buying a car. I will need it for work, but, I think it will definitely help me get around. I'm thinking of doing some volunteering, and am now in the process of looking into organizations I would like to be involved in, in addition to some sports.

I will still be sad about Almond. A part of me just can't help it. But I won't pretend to not be sad. He was really special to me. And I really cared about him. But I need to move on. How... I'm not sure, yet. But I'm beginning to think that I can figure this out.

I guess it's like what James Blunt's song says. I don't want a second chance. I will just make the same mistake again. Maybe Almond was my mistake. But if I had to do it all over, again. I would. Without him, I wouldn't have known love. Without him, I wouldn't have known heartbreak. But without heartbreak, I might not have known love.

Maybe one day, we will talk again. Instead of just speaking, but not now. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But maybe, one day. Right now, I'm still hurting. I guess it's okay to hurt. Even if it's for a long time.

A Confession

2008-10-13T20:06:00.009-04:00

Below is a confession that I haven't told anyone yet. Not the entire story, anyway. I feel a bit embarrassed, and a little ashamed about it. I also feel a little surprised I did it, and in a weird way, empowered.

When my friend and I stopped in Berlin during our grad trip, we stayed at a hostel. We were usually really sleepy and tired, and went to bed early and got up late. Our room was shared with about 8 other strangers. A few Mexicans, a couple Russians, a Croatian (that's all that I can recall).

One night, we decided to take our new friends up on their offer, and we head out to a bar together -- my friend and I, the Croatian and the Russian.

The Croatian is drunk, and his Russian friend is very quiet. Both cute. The Croatian reminded me of the new James Bond, just younger and not as built. I'm not sure who the Russian reminded me of. He was a little short, but he liked to dance -- which is something that I always like. So we dance in the bar to the 80's karaoke mix of love songs and such. It was fun.

After a few drinks, we are all a little more happy than we were before. We head back to our hostel. A little weird that we're all crashing in the same room, but that's what traveling is about right? New experiences.

I wash off my make up, change into my PJ's and climb into the top bunk, ready to pass out.

Russian asks me if I want to sleep with him -- in his broken English and mix of hand signals.

Russian: Can I sleep with you?

me: Huh??

Russian: Just sleeping. Only sleeping. Can I join you?

me: NO!

Internal monologue: How drunk does this guy think I am? And in a roomful of people?? Is this how they roll in Russia?

Russian: Just sleeping. No touching. No sex.

I ponder this for a second and a stream of thoughts kinda hit me. Mainly my loneliness for the past year. How it's been so long since I had been close with a guy. To have him hold me. Kiss me. Touch me. It would be nice to be held. Besides, he can't really try anything in a room of 10 people. Not to mention that Croatian had already made himself at home in my friend's bed.

me: No sex. Just sleeping.

Russian nods.

Russian: No sex. I'll be good.

me: OK.

Russian is very happy and then goes to take a shower. He comes back and climbs into bed. I have to admit, it felt really nice to be held. To be caressed. To be kissed. I liked the smell of him cleaned up. I even liked the hint of smoke and liquor when we kissed. But he was a good boy, and we did just go to sleep after a bit.

I didn't end up sleeping much. A part of me questioned what I was doing. A part of me just felt really lonely. A part of me realized that sex means something to me. Even a kiss means something to me. A part of me wished that they didn't. A part of me was glad they did.

Girl Talk

2008-10-09T20:27:00.004-04:00

I love them.

Last weekend, my girl friend, B. and I got together for dinner. We both kinda had "break ups" recently and we had some much needed girl talk.

B. and I met when we were both in Singapore and have been pretty much traveling with each other ever since. It's funny, sometimes, you'd think that when you are half way around the world, your mind would be there, too. And the truth is, that my mind isn't.

I can be half way around the world, I could be on the moon, and the same things would most likely be on my mind. I can't escape it. Sometimes, I wish that I can.

B. probably saw me at my most bitter stage of getting over Almond. It was January of 2007 and we had broken up not too long ago. Then, it seemed like we broke up again, in June 2007 -- even though it was just a horrible meeting up.

And now it's almost the end of 2008.

I've had a few tries at the dating pool. Mostly with really nice, sweet guys. Though none that I can really picture myself dating long term. There's always something that just doesn't feel quite right. And I would rather be lonely and single, than lonely and in a relationship.

After my break up with Haagan Daz, B. was worried about me. She's a sweet girl, and she told me that she was afraid that I might become one of those people who have too many experiences and none of them feel special anymore. And she was afraid that was what happened with Haagan Daz.

She also said that I still seemed angry at Almond and encouraged me to forgive him. The truth is, I really tried. I'm not a hateful person, or one to hold grudges. However, when it comes to him, I still feel angry when I think of what happened. I feel hurt, all over again. And I wish it would just go away. I wish that I could just let it go. But I don't know what's stopping me.

I didn't want to get all teary eyed during our talk but, the truth is that Almond broke my heart. As simple and cliche as it sounds, its the truth. He broke it. And I'm not sure if it's back together, yet. And I'm not sure if it ever will be. That's the part the scares me. How could someone have such a big impact on me? I feel like I should've moved on by now, and I don't think I have.

In another emotional girl chat with my sister, I told her of my fear of even starting to feel that way about someone.

me: I'm afraid that I won't let myself fall in love, even if I'm staring that person in the face, cuz I'll be afraid to get hurt.

sis: You were hurting from you first love, but you got through it. We were there to support you last time. Me, baby sis, your friends, B. and J. And if you have to go through it again, we'll be right there. With ice cream and reruns of SATC. So, you see, you don't have to be afraid of taking a chance when the right guy comes along. Nothing to be afraid of.

And I realize that she's right.

When the right guy comes along, I want to be able to love whole heartedly, because that's just how I'm built. But if it doesn't work out, I know I'll be OK.

Everyone needs a girl chat. I'm glad I have such great girls to have them with.

Secret Garden

2008-10-02T22:38:00.002-04:00

I know it's mushy. I know it's sappy. But I love listening to this song with the voices on it.

Fighting It

2008-10-01T22:32:00.003-04:00

I read this article the other week about how we fight things. Instead of embracing whatever happens, we are used to fighting things. The article instructed us to say, "I wanted it to happen," to everything that happened to us for one day. If it was raining, and we were caught in it, "we wanted it to happen." Your boyfriend of 5 years just broke up with you, "you wanted it to happen." You got fired today, "You wanted it to happen." You get it.

Silly? Well, the point of this exercise was to see how many things we didn't want to happen. How many things we "fight" a day, instead of just embracing it. It was indeed, very interesting, though simple it may be.

So, I've been a emotional lately. You could probably tell from this post. And this post.

One of the things that I've been thinking about was how much I've been fighting with myself on my feelings and thoughts towards Almond. I guess, after our break up, I just really wanted to move on. I wanted to skip the sad parts. Somehow I felt as though, if I spent time being sad, I was weaker. And so, I threw myself into activities, and clubs and going out.

And to be honest, I don't regret that at all. I've become a better person because of it, and I am thankful that I hadn't huddled in my room eating ice cream for a few months. But, in that process, I also didn't let myself be sad and mourn the relationship that was over. Don't get me wrong, I was sad, but maybe, I didn't let myself feel the full extent of my sadness because I was afraid of what that would be admitting to myself. If that makes any sense.

The other day. I was talking to my sister about my break up with Almond, and my break up with Haagan Daz. In my break up with Almond, I always thought that I would be better off if he had just explained things to me. I deserved it. So when things weren't working out between myself and H.G., I explained to him why. I thought I was doing him a favour.

At the end of our conversation, he asked me one question that I couldn't answer.

H.G.: Why don't you sound sad?

me: Ummm. I don't know.

I think I know the answer now. It's cuz I just wasn't that sad. We hadn't been dating that long. I didn't feel like I had really lost anything. I just didn't want to hurt him. And I thought by explaining myself, I would hurt him less.

Wrong.

There is no good way of breaking up. Explanation or none.

And so I go back to Almond. Even though I know he didn't give me any explanation, I knew that it hurt him. In fact, I knew that it probably hurt him more than anything else. And in a way, that makes it better.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about our good times, and our bad times. I've come to the conclusion that our relationship died. It's not him. It's not me. The "us" part died. For many reasons, and no one is to blame. I'm sad, because I realize that there aren't that many people who will have as big of an impact on my life, as Almond did. There aren't that many people who will ever know me that deeply. There aren't that many people that I can connect with on that level. In the end, I lost a friendship, a kindred spirit. That is the saddest part of all. I think that was the hardest part to realize.

And its only after all the anger has passed, all the confusion has passed, all the hurt that has passed that I realize this. But I'm glad that I have. Because by realizing it, I think I can really move on. I can be happy -- truly happy -- for the future that beholds both of us.

I looked him up on FB. Of course, he has his profile on public. But when I saw him with his new GF, I didn't scrutinize her. I was actually happy that he looked so happy with her. (Ok... maybe I did question if she was more attractive. Just a little. I'm only human. ) Honestly, I'm glad the guy was happy. I missed that smile.

Are You For Real?!

2008-09-27T21:49:00.005-04:00

Seriously?! SERIOUSLY??!!

Wow. I. Am. Speechless.

When I first saw this, I thought it was a joke.

I guess money can really buy you anything.

Note: I know. I know. I'm a little behind. I don't really watch TV. I just found this out last week. But, seriously.

What does it feel like?

2008-09-22T20:54:00.005-04:00

Sometimes, I forget what it feels like to be in love. To love someone. In that romantic , your-heart-skips-a-beat kind of way.

I was having a talk with my little sister this weekend. I was telling her that I had to end it with the guy I was currently seeing. I didn't really like him that much.

In a way, I thought this was sad. I went from loving one man for almost 5 years of my life, to barely able to like someone for more than a couple months. I know it's not as simple as that, but sometimes I ask myself, "What happened? What does it feel like to be in love, again?"

My sister is 19, and she's never had a serious relationship, yet. She is a smart, independent and very attractive girl. She gets a lot of attention from the guys, and yet, she hasn't been able to find one who she wants to have a relationship with. There's the liking stage, but then as she gets to know the guy, she realizes that there are traits that just annoy her, or that she finds unattractive. She asked me if there was something wrong with that.

I said, no. I felt the same way. And sometimes, I'm scared that I won't be able to feel that way, again. To love someone, and to feel loved.

She asked what it felt like when I was in a relationship with Almond. She knew that we loved each other, and wondered if there was a way I could describe it to her.

It was a little difficult for me to relive those memories. Those memories which made me so happy.

I remember that I was always happy around him. I couldn't wait unti I saw him next. It didn't matter if we were just hanging out or going on a trip. I just loved being with him.

I loved talking to him. Hearing him tell me about his day. I loved watching movies and falling asleep in his arms.

I loved the way he stroked my hair when I was sleeping (well, almost sleeping). I loved the way he kissed my forehead in the mornings. I loved the way he looked at me and told me I was the most beautiful woman told me I was perfect.

I loved reading his cards. I still have every one. And the letter he wrote me when he first went away to college.

I fit in with his friends, and was pretty close to his best friend, from high school, y-lo. Even though, y-lo always teased me. One thing he said to me, kind of stuck with me.

Almond and I were on our way to a ski weekend. Y-lo lent us his car (yay!). This was the first vacation / getaway that Almond and I had in all our years of dating. We were both excited, even though he had a big report due the day he came back.

y-lo: Hey, Des. Make sure that when you guys are driving, Almond is paying attention to the roads. It's dark and it might be icy in parts.

me: Yea, don't worry.

y-lo: I'm serious.

me: Ok, Mr. Worry-wart. Don't worry.

y-lo: I'm serious. Because whenever Almond is around you., he just stops paying attention to everything else.

me: Oh. Ummm. We'll be careful. [pause] Thanks y-lo.

I remember that when I used to work at an amusement park, sometimes Almond would come pick me up. He'd drive for almost 40 minutes, pick me up, then drop me at home.

I remember when Almond used to walk me home after school. We used to stand at the corner and talk. About anything, and everything. Then one day, he suggested that he walk me home, instead of standing and talking.

And so, that's what he did. Even though I lived about 15 minutes in the opposite direction. He walked me home - for the rest of the school year, until he graduated and went to university.

Even in university, we were happy. We lived to together for a short while. It never even occured to us, or to our friends, that we would ever break up. We were just always so happy. Holding hands, smiling, joking, teasing -- we were around one another.

Then I remember the bad times. When we would fight. When he would keep things inside. And never let me in.

Sometimes, I just had no idea what was going on in that mind of his.

Almond and I hardly ever had big fights. He doesn't like to raise his voice. He would rather keep it inside. I would try to get things out. And when I thought I had succeeded and getting out what it was that was bothering him, and I thought we had worked through it. Only to realize that he still kept things inside, and they were still bothering him.

I felt like he had a box. And it was where we would put my mistakes, or the times that I hurt him. Of course, I never meant to hurt him, but I am only human. And I make mistakes. But I felt like he doesn't let these things go -- that my mistakes go into this "box." I could tell when the "box" was getting full. And I didn't know what to do.

That was near the end of our relationship. I wanted him to tell me what was bothering him. I didn't realize that he had kept so many things inside. Until one day, we were talking his car. He wanted to go to California for his career. I wanted to be encouraging. I really did. But not once, did he mention anything about us. When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I asked him.

me: Almond, I do want to support you in your decision to go to Silicon Valley if that is your dream, but what about us? You didn't even mention "us" , or ask me what I thought.

Almond: Well, you can come with me.

me: But all my friends and family are here. Don't you want to ask if I want to come with you?

Almond: I put my dreams aside for you, once. I don't want to do it, again.

me: What?? What are you talking about?

Almond: Two years ago. When y-lo went to Japan. I wanted to go. And I asked you, if you wanted me to go. And you said, "no." So, I didn't go. Going to Japan has been a dream of mine, and I didn't go because you didn't want me to. I don't want to put aside another dream for you.

For 2 years, he kept that inside. I had apologized, but he had asked me how I felt. And I was honest. But, now, 2 years later, it resurfaces. And I had no idea he felt like this the entire time -- somewhere in the back of his mind.

I remember a couple months after we broke up, we had met up again. Almond had wanted to get back together and I thought it best we didn't, since I was going to Singapore -- and it would've been for the wrong reasons. My heart wanted to get back together, but my head told me otherwise.

When I told my friend, J. She said this,

J: Des, even though you tell me all these great things about him. Even though I know you really loved each other. When I think of you and him, I can't help but think back to that day after you guys broke up. You came to school. Then you went to cry in the washroom. All I can picture now, when you talk about him, is you crying in the washroom.

You can't unknow what you know. You can't unfeel how you felt.

I think of all the good times with Almond, and I ask myself, "Would there have been a way for us to work it out." Then, I think of all the hurt, and I wonder why in the world I should forgive him. But I want to. I want to forgive him.

I have yet to find someone who could make me laugh the way he did. Someone who I could have conversations with about anything, and everything. Someone who could make me feel the way he did. Someone who I admired as much as I did him. Someone who I could be excited to share a life together, like I felt with him.

And it scares me. This confusion that I still feel. Would I ever love, again? I want to. But, I'm not going to lie to myself. I haven't felt "love" in a while. Will I ever feel it, again? I want to. I really do. But a part of me, that has known hurt, knows that next time, it won't be the same.

I Think Too Much

2008-09-18T18:16:00.002-04:00

Honestly, I do. I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. That’s why I need this blog. I need to get it out.

Sorry I haven’t replied to your comments. I love reading what you guys have to say! I haven’t had internet at home since I moved (again) in September, and these blogs were posted when I was at work. I didn’t want to check my URL at work. Just in case.

My random thoughts:

1) Marriage.

My friend from high school is getting married. She is my age – 24. They are bought a house together. It feels surreal.

I know. She’s getting married. Not me.

How can I voice it that I think she is doing it for the wrong reasons. I feel like I’m more stressed out about it than her. If that is possible.

I’m afraid that she is getting married for the wrong reasons, and will end up unhappy.

Why do I keep saying it’s for the wrong reason? I know, it’s not my place to judge, and everyone is different. This is why.

Her parents want her to get married. To someone who is of her religion – she is Sikh.

She was in a couple of serious relationships. Then, she decided that she would give up on them, and just let her parents choose someone for her, because this dating thing wasn’t working out.

The first guy, I didn’t like. He was very possessive, and for some reason, she felt like she had to lie to him about her education. Long story. Basically, they were engaged, and then they called it off.

The second guy, she didn’t even tell me about until a year or so into their dating. Then last Christmas, when we met for lunch, she told me of her dilemma. The guy’s family wanted him to have an arranged marriage, and did not want to accept her.

The way I saw it, was that the guy did not have the guts to stand up for the woman he cared about. He didn’t want to break it off with my friend, but also did not want to “hurt” his family. Aside: I’m not sure how a marriage could hurt your family. I would think that your family would be happy for you if you were happy, no?

My friend gave him an ultimatum after about 3 years into it, and said that if he did not stand up to his family about her, she would have to break it off, and just get an arranged marriage. And that is what she did.

This April, my friend calls me on my birthday and tells me of the news. I know I should be happy for her, but I just feel scared.

She seems fine with it. She said she likes him enough. Though, I’m not sure what “enough” is. She said this way, she gets to know him for a few years, and then have kids when she’s about 27. Seriously. What am I supposed to say in response?

I guess why I think about it so much, is because I always reflect other peoples’ lives onto my own. Will this be what I am going to resort to? God, I hope not. I still think that marriage should be romantic. With someone that you just can’t get enough of. Whom you love more than anyone else. Whom you’re just happy being around.

Or am I just naïve in thinking that that exists?

2) Almond.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Not in a bad way. Just thinking of how things were. How things changed so much. Wondering how his life is now. Thinking that he set the bar a little too high for me in the relationships department. Wondering if I will ever meet someone who could make me feel as happy and as special as he made me feel.

I’ve been thinking of writing him a letter. No so much as in sending it to him, but what I would write if I were to write him a letter. That’s for another post. You’ll see what I mean.
In the meantime, I should get back to work.

Wish me luck at the wedding. I hope there is good food. And my sari is loose enough that I can eat all the good food.

Oh! And I hope I meet some hot, brown dude there.

Food, and hot guys. I’m not asking for much, right?

Excitement is OVER.

2008-09-16T18:06:00.012-04:00

You know when you first meet someone, or when you meet the right someone. You're in what I like to call " La La Land." Sometimes its for a short amount of time, and others, it's for a longer amount of time.

When I was with Almond, it was for a long time. My friends thought that I didn't even notice other hot guys. Which I did. But it just didn't matter. When I liked "Gelato" (more on him later), I was in La La Land, too. But with Haagan Daz, I'm afraid it has died. And it's been less than 3 months.

Now, I know that it's not supposed to feel the way it felt when I was with Almond. A naive, high school giddy girl. Now it's different. I know what it's like to be hurt and I am more protective of my heart. But I believe I am still supposed to be in La La Land.

I guess I just got over the initial excitment with Haagan Daz and when I got to know more of him, he just didn't seem that attractive a person.

A couple things triggered this. Partly because I was on PMS. Partly because I'm seeing his true colours that I might have not noticed when I was too busy being excited.

Last weekend, I stayed with my parents on Sunday night because it would've been too late to take public transportation to my apartment. So I had to make the 2hr commute (gross!) to work on Monday instead of my usual (15 - 30 minutes). Since I told Haagan Daz, I would give him a call, I did.

me: So, I figured that I'll just stay over at my parents' place. It's late.

H.G.: Oh, really? Well, I could've come and picked you up at the subway and drove you home. I don't have to get up early.

me: Oh, really? [thinks about it] No, that would be pretty far for you to drive. I'm just going to stay here, but thanks for offering.

H.G.: Oh. Well. I wasn't really going to drive you. I just figured I'd offer. It is pretty far.

me: Oh. Okay.

my internal monologue: So, why exactly is he telling me this? Awkward.

Same thing happened on Friday when I was working downtown and we were getting together afterwards.

Why does he tell me that he didn't really mean the offer? Like he has to make that clear to me, or something.

We talked on the phone a couple times during the week. I got bored. Caught myself reading, "Bitter is the New Black" by Jen Lancaster. Then put it down. Then nearly fell asleep hearing him talk.

Then, I noticed things that just bugged me.

Like how he answers the phone with , "Yeeeeeeeellllowww."

I asked him about that later. He told me he gets it from Homer Simpson. Nice.

Then on Friday, I just noticed that we don't have that much in common. We don't have the same sense of humour. Stuff that he finds funny, I just find awkward.

For instance, we're cooking tacos. He's browning the ground beef. Then he starts "mooo-ing". Like a cow.

After the first mooo,

me: So, you're moo-ing like a cow.

H.G.: Moooooo. [again]

After the first moo, he moo's again. For added effect, I suppose. Does anyone find that funny? I just thought it was him trying to be funny, but it was just awkward. Or was it just PMS?

Now, the last bit.

Haagan Daz has an anxiety disorder, where he gets really really nervous when meeting new people. He feels sick, literally. He told me about it, and I did appreciate his honesty. But then he talks about it. A lot.

We were supposed to go up for a Dragonboat festival on Saturday, and he was going to meet my friends. I wanted to see my friends' inputs and see how he interacted with other people. Needless to say, he was really nervous. Then, he told me this. Which, I just thought was disgusting. Disgusting. Not funny. At all.

H.G.: I get really nervous, and I don't want to throw up all over your friends. Like, this. [pretend handshake with the air] Hi, I'm Haagan Daz and its nice to meet you BLUUUURRRRRPPP [makes a throw up noise and accompany gestures]

I cringe.

He continues.

H.G.: And hi, so-and-so. I'm BLLLLLLUUUURRRRRPPPPPPP. [throw up noise and gestures]

Honestly. Excitement is over. So. Over.

Manis and Pedis

2008-09-11T20:09:00.005-04:00

I have never had a manicure or pedicure before. Until last weekend. It was against my free will.

I know that it's supposed to be relaxing and fun.

Call my crazy, but I was feeling everything but relaxed. What could be relaxing when I see them use instruments to pick at my nooks and crannies that have been probably full of dirt with the same instruments they use on every other person who walks in?! For all I know, they could be putting those other people's crap back under my toe nails. Gross.

Or do I just watch too much CSI?

Never again. I can paint my own nails and draw my own flowers, thank you very much.

OK, maybe I can't draw my own flowers. I can live without flowers on my toes.

So, why did I get my nails professionally painted, you ask. And how was I forced into it?

Simple. My best friend from high school was getting married next Saturday and the official engagement ceremony was that night. My toes needed to look good.

I never thought that anyone would pay much attention to my toes. Until I was at the ceremony. Every lady had her toe nails pedicured. I was so glad my toes fit in.

I felt like I was in high school. When all the girls had the brand name shirts, and shoes. And I was in my baggy clothes because I didn't want to pay $45 for a dress shirt, when a $5 would do. I had to save for tuition, man.

Except, this time I felt like I sort of fit in. Only, it felt silly, that anyone would judge me by my toes. Doesn't it? But I'm pretty sure that they would have. Silly, I know. My insecurities. I'm working on it.

Oh. Speaking of her wedding. I get my life back after September 20th.

No more of conversations like this:

Des, make sure you're at my house next weekend.

Des, make sure you come to the official engagement ceremony.

Des, can you help out at the bridal shower.

Des, make sure you leave your Friday nights free. Just in case we decide to do something then. Yes, please cancel the plans you already made.

(OK, she didn't say the last sentence, but I think that was understood.)

Des, book next Thursday and Friday off from work. We need to do our Henna.

Des, it doesn't matter that you live about 2 hours away of commute via public transit. Or that you have to work the next day. Be here!

Like I said. I get my life back after September 20th.

After that, I am going to spend my whole weekend just the way I want to. Sleep. Sleep. Cook. Sleep. Sleep. Shop. Sleep. Sleep. Decorate. Sleep. Sleep. BLOG. (After I get my internet set up at my new place, that is. Wish me luck.)

Less than 2 weeks to go. Grin and bear it. Grin and bear it.

Friday at the Office

2008-09-06T22:45:00.002-04:00

J.D.: You know there are Star War fans in the office when ...

Me: ... when your boss is pretending to be a Wookie.

2 Things that Happened at Work, Today

2008-09-04T16:56:00.004-04:00

1) My boss and I broke into a church.

Me: I've never broken into a church, before.

My boss: Well, technically, we didn't break in. The back door was left open.

We were supposed to meet a priest at a job site. He wasn't there. Which leads us to occurence numero deux.

2) A priest lied to us.

My boss: Father, we were at the church at about a quarter after three today. We didn't see you.

Priest: I was there.

[My boss's inner monologue: Liar!!!]

...And this is what keeps my job interesting.

We went to the Zoo

2008-09-03T09:51:00.003-04:00

Haagan Daz and I. Last last weekend. It was fun. We looked at the animals. I wanted to see the Coral Reefs exhibit, and he wanted to see the Spider Monkeys. (They were actually very cool. The only animals who weren't sleeping or just lazing around.)

In a conversation with my friend, J.

me: We went to the zoo last weekend.

j.: Oooo! The zoo. That's where couples who just first start dating go. How exciting!

Dating. Such a vague term.

So I've been "dating" for almost 2 years-ish. I think I need a post on le boys of 2007 and 2008.
So far, I've learned a lot. But I also have more questions.

Like now. So. I like Haagan Daz. He likes me. We've established that. After that, I don't know.

So, we've been dating for about a month now, maybe more. Dating -- as in going out. To the movies. To the beach. To the zoo. On walks. That kind of stuff.

He's cooked me dinner. Pasta, mind you. But it's the thought that counts, right?

We made out on my roommate's couch, last week. Actually, I don't even know if I understand what is included in the term "make out." Let's look it up on Wikipedia.

In human sexuality, making out is a sexual euphemism of American origin dating back to at least 1949. It covers a wide range of sexual behaviors, and means different things to different age groups in different parts of the U.S. It typically involves kissing, including prolonged, passionate kissing (also known as French kissing), intimate contact, including heavy petting-that is, skin-to-skin contact, or other forms of foreplay. Making out is usually considered an expression of affection or sexual attraction to a current or prospective sexual partner. An episode of making out is frequently referred to as a make-out session.

Hmmm. That's vague, too. But that pretty much encompasses what we did. Minus the heavy petting.

The first time we met was at beach volleyball court where his friends and my roommate frequents. So they've seen me before. All sweaty and sandy. So they know about me -- his two close buddies.

He's told his mom about me. He's told his brother and sister-in-law about me. I told him I told my friends and sisters about him. But not my parents. Asian parents can be messy.

We talked about taking the next step. About being a couple. And here come my diarrhea of confusion and random thoughts.

I am not as young or as foolish as I was when I fell for Almond. Where I pictured us living happily ever after, before I decided to take the next step and be his girlfriend. Now, I am just thinking of taking it one step at a time. If I like him, I'll continue seeing him. See below a conversation I had with my girlfriend, J. this weekend about my confusion.

me: So, I like him. What I know of him so far, anyway. I know it's not supposed to feel the same as I did with Almond. And it doesn't. I just feel like I like him. And that's it. I'm not thinking too far into the future. I just like how things are going now. Is there anything wrong with that?

j: Yea. You're not young and foolish, anymore. That's OK. That's good. That's dating.

me: How do I know if I want to me be his girlfriend? I mean, I thought that after a week or so, the idea might make more sense, or sink in. Is that what I want? How do I know what I want?

j: How does it feel?

me: It feels nice. But I also feel like I'm not letting myself go. Too much, anyway. Just a little bit at a time. I feel like I keep catching myself, and preventing myself from falling. Like it's an instinct. Whereas with Almond, I let myself fall.

j: Well, you know what it's like to get hurt, right? You protect yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

me: I feel like I've been single for so long. And finally, I find someone I'm actually looking forward to seeing, and getting to know. It's a weird feeling. I don't think I'm afraid of commitment.

j: Are you, though?

me: I don't know. I wasn't before.

j: But now is now. Are you afraid of it now?

me: I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe I'm afraid to get hurt.

I think that is the bottom line. I'm afraid to get hurt. He's a little different than the guys I've dated. When I say "dated" I mean, went out with a casually. When I say "went out casually" I mean out for dinner, movies, hanging out, etc.

I haven't had anything serious since Almond. I haven't felt any attraction to the guy's I've been out with. I haven't even wanted the guy to kiss me. With the exception of Gelato -- whom we'll discuss later (but he's old news, anyway.) Am I feeling confused because I feel an attraction to Haagan Daz? Or is because he's different in a lot of ways than the guys I'm used to dating.

For one thing, he does not worship Star Wars. Or computer games. Thank god. He's also not an engineer. Believe it or not, kids, I've been only dating engineers. And one nurse -- whom I believed was gay. More on him later.

Things that have been on my mind (not exactly problems per se, just stuff):

Haagan Daz went to college instead of university -- he's a machinist. He's really tall - basically 6' -- I am 5'3". We may or may not hang out in different social crowds -- not sure, yet, since I haven't met his friends and vice versa. He works nights, sometimes. When he gets nervous, he can't stomach food.

He also has a list of foods he doesn't like (side note: I'm a big foodie, and had hoped to find a guy who would love to try different cuisines with me. Almond was a picky eater, too.)

Things that I like about Haagan Daz:

He's been very open and honest with me. Whether it be about his past, or current issues he is dealing with. We talk and talk about anything.

I feel very comfortable around him, and I look forward hanging out with him. Whether it be going out, or just staying in.

He's cute. And tall. And funny. He treats me like a lady, is quasi romantic.

That's it for now. Back to work!