Thursday, February 26, 2009
I Can't Hate
Looking back on my life, I have come to the conclusion that I can't hate anyone. I can dislike, I can be indifferent, I can love, I can like, but I cannot hate.
Having said that, I have come close at times. I can safely say there have been two people in my life who have hurt me so deeply that it has taken me years to heal. Almond being one of them. And my first ever, best friend, being the other.
My first best friend, let's call her, Vivi. We met in kindergarten, and we instantly bonded. I moved away when I was in grade 7. And I know, friends come and go. But she was my best friend, and I thought that our friendship was stronger than that. Of course, at that age, friends at school were everything. So we both made new "best friends" at our own schools, but were still each other's best friends.
I know, it's silly. Even at that age, I know that friends drift apart. That's normal. However, we still saw each other every Saturday at Chinese school, and we hung out at recess, as we usually did. Then, one day, she hung out with some other girls at recess. And then she started to sit with them. And not invite me.
I asked her if she was mad at me. At first she brushed off my questions, with answers, such as, "Well, I've hung out with you at recess since kindergarten, I wanted to meet other people." Which, made sense to me. But I was still hurt. Then, it became clear to me, that I just wasn't cool enough for her.
I was very, very sad. This loss of friendship broke my little heart. I had no idea what I did wrong. I tried talking to her at school. Calling her. Asking her what I did wrong so I could apologize, and we could be friends, again. I don't remember her giving me an explanation. She said she wasn't mad at me, but she just didn't want to be friends, anymore.
I remember feeling so lost without a best friend. Without someone to whom I can share my deepest secrets, and dreams with. I remember dreaming about it, for years afterwards. That she would ask me to be friends with her again. And I would always, always forgive her. And we would go on laughing and joking like nothing had come between us.
And if she were to ask me today, I'm sure I would say the same thing.
My second "break up" was with Almond. As you have probably read in my previous posts about him, he broke up with me without much of a reason, or explanation.
He sent me angry emails when I said I needed to be alone. His email to me the first Christmas after we broke up was horrible. I have never been able to read it again. But it was demeaning. It was a complete guilt trip. It was very, very cruel. And, it was way, way below the belt.
Keep in mind that he was the one who wanted to break up. Basically, he was frustrated that he didn't get much of a reaction from me. Apparently, I was supposed to fight for him to come back, and ask him to reconsider or beg him to stay, or something to that effect. Me trying to respect his decision and moving on, was not what he had expected.
Since our breakup, I have never said one hurtful thing to him. It wasn't until about 5 months ago, when we decided to communicate again, that I realized how much anger I was really keeping pent up inside. (This was shortly after Haagan Daz and I broke up). He canceled out on our meeting, and that was the moment I realized I was PISSED. Even after everything, he initiates a meeting and gets to make the call to cancel last minute?!?! No F*in way.
I penned out my anger in a very angry email addressed to him.
Addressing all the hurt that I had kept inside for the last two years. The time which I had tried to move on. Had tried to forget about all the hurt. Had tried to stop hoping that things between us would (maybe, by some miracle) go back to how it was before. That I would be able to feel that way about someone else.
I lashed out in my writing at how immature he was. How much hurt he caused me. I was angry that during out time together, I tried to reach out to him but he bottled things up and let things explode without ever trying to talk to me about it. I lashed out at how he was immature, whiny and depressing, and I still tried my best to cheer him up, and loved him all the same. Thinking and believing we would get through this because we loved each other.
I bitched about how even after our break up, I was still a friend to him, when he had no one else to turn to, because I genuinely cared about him, but partly why he was being my friend, was so that he could "see if things were going somewhere."
I bitched at how he would seem like a lost puppy one minute, saying that he knew it was unfair to ask me to wait until he was ready for a relationship. That I was the best thing that happened t him, and I was so important to him, but he had NO F*KN idea when he was ready for a relationship again. Then a month later his FB profile is plastered with him a new GF.
It made me so angry!
And I wrote it all out in the email to him. Bitching my heart out. Pouring out the anger that I had kept inside because I DIDN'T WANT TO HATE HIM, or hurt him. And now I wanted to hurt him. I wanted hurt him as much as he hurt me. Wanted to see how he lost someone so great because he was a moron and idiot. The anger I first felt almost 2 years ago, were flooding back to me in that email.
I sent the email to my one of my firlfriends. Then, I saved it. I knew I was in no condition to send something to Almond. And I went to sleep.
I looked at the email a couple days later, after I had calmed down.
And I realized that my email, sounded a lot like the one he sent me 3 Christmases ago.
It was angry. It was blaming. It was immature. But most of all it was hurtful.
And I realized, that no matter how angry I felt at the moment. No matter how hurt I was, that he could still stir up so many emotions after this long. I realized, I didn't want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I don't want to hit below the belt. I didn't want to hate him. I just so desperately wanted to move on. And I just wanted to know why it was so hard.
Even now. I find it hard to completely trust anyone. But I also know these things take time. I am more careful with my heart, and want to be careful that I don't guard it so much that I don't give other's a chance to see it.