Monday, December 29, 2008
I realize how truly blessed I am to be able to celebrate my holidays with family and loved ones.
Even with kinks and bumps along the road, my family has always managed to be there for me, every step of the way. For that, I am eternally grateful.
This Christmas was my first grown up Christmas. That means that instead of getting 2 weeks off, I only get two and a half days off. Le sigh. But, it also makes me want choose who I want to spend that time with.
The day before Christmas Eve, who do I run into at the bus stop, but Almond. I see him as he is running to catch the bus, and I just got off. He stops to chat.
I was feeling a bit awkward, and pointed out that his bus was leaving. Even though I knew it came by often. He said, that he could take the next one. He asked how I was. Usual small talk. I wished him a Merry Christmas. He said it was nice seeing me.
I got an email from him a few days ago.
date: Fri, Dec 26, 2008 at 12:39 AM
subject: Merry Christmas
It was nice to see you again the other day. Just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. I hope everything is going well for you.
I know I should have responded earlier, but a part of me just wasn't sure what to say.
The thing that I realize now is, that I'm not mad at him anymore. I'm not bitter anymore. In fact, I'm just really sad.
Really sad that our relationship ended the way it did, and that there is nothing in the world that can make that better. So many times, I had wished that he could say those things to me that I desperately wanted to hear, and that somehow, things would be better. But, I now realize that there are no such words.
What we had is gone. He can't bring it back. And neither can I. It isn't so much that I miss him, or that I miss our relationship. It's that I miss who we were and what we had. But I can't go backwards. I can't unlearn what I have learned throughout our relationship, and our break up. I am no longer that naive, innocent, wide eyed girl.
But I know what it was like to be in love. And I also know what it's like to have my heart broken. Perhaps the memories are all that really exist.
I know that I could have responded with something that was impersonal. However, I decided to give him a glimpse into my life. And I didn't ask him a question so he could chose to respond however he chooses to.
date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 4:39 PM
subject: Re: Merry Christmas
Thanks for the Christmas wishes. I hope you had a nice Christmas with your family. It was nice seeing you again, as well.
I'm not sure if your holiday has ended yet, mine were pretty short. I guess that comes with being a grown up :P. I'm still juggling this post graduation-work reality. I hope you are doing well.
All the best in the new year!
All I know is that, Almond is in the past. He was a huge part of my past, but that is where he belongs. He helped me become the person I am today, and I am grateful. I know that I was a big part of his life, too, and I am glad that in the time we had together, we were able to make each other happy.
Monday, December 22, 2008
That's pretty much how long it's been since I've last had sex. Actually, I'm not sure if last night counted. We had a little mal-function.
So there is a part of me that believes that Cinderella's god mother really existed, and that she and her prince lived happily ever after. And, as I grow older, I feel as though that part of me gets smaller and smaller. Things aren't simple any more and compromises are made. And sometimes, our minds live in the fairy tale land, but in the real world, we're making compromises more than we would like. I'm referring to my tough times with Almond.
For instance, I used to think that sex was something that was out of this world. It wasn't just sex, but it was making love. To the person that you love more than anything in this world.
To be honest with myself, most of the time, I just wanted to have sex with Almond because it felt good, not because I wanted to be taken to another galaxy or something. That's not to say that I didn't care about Almond.
Last night, I just wanted to get laid. LeBlanc and I have been having some heavy make out sessions, and it's crossed my mind a few times. I loved the feeling of his lips on my body. I hadn't wanted anyone to kiss me like that in a while.
I think a part of me, is starting to like what we have. As undefined, and random as it is. I was so afraid to have any expectation, because I feel that the consequences are two fold. 1) I might get dissappointed and more importantly, 2) There might be some expectation of me to feel a certain way, and I'm not sure if I can or am ready to feel that much, yet.
And yet, I am starting to have expectations. LeBlanc said that he would visit me this Friday. Unfortunately, there was a snow storm, and he couldn't make it. It wasn't his fault, and it would have been crazy to come up, but I couldn't help but feel a tinge sadness - wishing he was here. Then, I had wanted him to come up on the Saturday or Sunday. And, he did.
We watched a movie and ate my left overs. It was nice just snuggling on the couch and watching "Lars and the Real Girl."
After the movie, we made our way to my room.
Most of me is perfectly fine with what happened between us. Blame it on hormones, horniness, or just instincts. Another part of me is questioning myself, shouldn't he be your boyfriend to do stuff like that?
But I know that if we had established the whole "boyfriend / girlfriend" status, it wouldn't really make things easier. I would still have my baggage and fear of committing to something that might not feel right. LeBlanc would still be the carefree guy, and I would rather have a moment be just what it is, without having to justify it.
Though we did have some talking last night. That was the first time that LeBlanc and I talked about our past relationships, and thoughts. He told me that he's really nervous around me, partly because he was afraid he wasn't witty enough (yay! he appreciates my smart aleck remarks!).
He told me that he thought I was really rational and not too emotional, which he found kinda mysterious. (There may be some lines lost in translation since we were both on the brink of sleep and still mumbling about.) I told him that as cliche as it sounded, I was once a terribly emotionaly person. But after getting hurt, I learned to take care of myself more, and sometimes that meant that my emotions aren't seen. Sometimes, things are easier to deal with that way. But it didn't mean that I didn't have them.
Then he tells me that sometimes it's ok to let go.
Wow. This sounds like a really cliched conversation.
A part of me, is glad that I was able to be honest. With both myself and LeBlanc. I can't help but feel what I feel. At the same time, I can't help it if I'm not feeling something.
Monday, December 8, 2008
I took a little weekend get away to Ottawa this weekend to visit my baby sister. Ok, she's 19, and not a baby, but still.
It was so damn cold!!! I'm talking about minus 15 degrees Celsius - which is about 7 degrees Fahrenheit. With the windchill it was almost 10 degrees colder. (I'm complaining so much, you'd think that I just immigrated from Southeast Asia...)
Anyway, we hung out and I realized how special the time we shared really was. Even though we were essentially doing nothing special. We cooked dinner, watched a movie. Talked about Law and Order episodes we've seen (more so me, than her), and then fell asleep. We walked around downtown Ottawa and ducked into coffee shops and other heated shelters. Browsed used bookstores and ate Beavertails - yummm! We hit the gym together, then pigged out on desserts afterwards. The usual.
We eventually made our way to a Second Cup and ordered some lattes as we chatted about life. Boys. School. The lattes were frankly disgusting, but our conversation was great. Here was my little sister and I talking about anything and everything. And I realize how really rare a moment like this is in the last 4 months.
It makes me think back to the time that we were kids, and how easy life was back then. It makes me think that what we had back then - was all the time in the world, and we didn't even know it. It's both beautiful and a little sad.
But it also makes me feel so grateful that we have grown so close. That I can tell her things that I might not be able to tell other people, and know that she's not judging me. It's kind of comforting knowing that we have similar fears, and I feel like we are facing them together, by sharing how we feel about them.
I feel that as I get older, there are fewer people who really matter to me. My family, has become all the more important to me. Especially in the past year. I'm not sure where I would be without them.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I'm sitting here watching the latest episode of Ugly Betty, and sometimes, she reminds me so much of myself. The part of her that's responsible and serious. Sometimes, I think that I'm just too serious and responsible.
I know it's cliche, but I guess a part of me if going through some kind of quarter life crisis. Maybe crisis is a bit of a strong word. I guess I've been working full time for about 6 months. I feel like I don't really know anything. That my time is being billed to projects that I really don't know that much about. I guess I need to learn to ask for help more.
I come home and I'm tired, and most of the time, I don't feel like doing much. In fact, I'm so afraid that I'm just going to be coming home, eating and sleeping. Gah!! That's why I need to keep doing sports -- but my last soccer game is next Wednesday, and that's it. Until next season starts in January.
I understand why people gain weight so easily. It didn't really happen to me in university, and I don't want it to happen to me now. That should be motivation enough to get out and do things. And yet, it's so easy to stay in.
A part of me is questioning -- is this it?!
Sometimes I feel like I know what I don't want, and don't really know what I want. I feel like I had done all the right things. I've always acted smart and responsibly, and now I'm wondering where it got me. I never did drugs, never even smoked a cigarette, always got good grades, finished at the top of my class in high school, had a boyfriend who was a good guy, finished my degree in engineering, traveled in my undergrad to places I never knew existed, have a good job.
Should there be more? Or should I be happier? I feel like I am in such a great place in my life right now, but I don't really know how to enjoy it. I feel like it should feel different. And I really feel scared. And confused.
It's like I always knew what the next step was. After high school, it was university. After university it was work. And now that I'm here, I'm not sure if this is really where I want to be for the rest of my life. Which is the really scary part. I think that I can be happy right now, but I'm kinda worried about being happy forever here.
Which I guess, is silly. Now that I'm writing it out.
I think that a part of me is exploring that part with LeBlanc. The "before" Des does not do stuff like have slumber parties with guys that I just started seeing. That Des does not allow him to touch me. That Des usually plays it safe until she eventually gets bored cuz there is no excitement. Or maybe it's just cuz I haven't met someone who excites me, yet.
I'm not sure how I feel about LeBlanc. A part of me likes parts of him. Who can really complain when he's such a great kisser? Another part of me likes our random talks walking back from the movies or from dinner. Another part of me is drawn to his care-free persona because that means that I don't have to feel like I'm tied down, or that I have to have things figured out.
A part of me is scared that I might start expecting more or want this to go farther than what it is now. LeBlanc is not exactly Mr. Commitment. And even though, I can't call myself Ms. Commitment.
I just don't want to be disappointed.
A part of me feels like I'm being the carefree, careless person that I wasn't when I was in high school or university. When I think about it (which isn't really too hard for me to do), I question what kind of a message I am sending him.
It's probably not a really good one. But then, LeBlanc is one of the least judgmental people I know. I hope he hasn't judged me too much.
He asked me to go to his work Christmas party next week.
I'm not exactly sure what's going on, still. But I think I'm ok with that for now. Defining something doesn't change how I do or don't feel about a situation. I think I'm just going to go with it for now. At least, try to, anyway.
me: So. I'm not sure exactly what we are or not, and that's why I'm confused. I usually like to have things clearly defined. And I believe that is not us.
LeBlanc: Would you prefer to define this?
me: Um... I'm not sure if that makes it easier or if that helps. I like how things are now. I don't like to have expectations because it just makes things complicated.
LeBlanc: What sort of expectations would you have?
me: I don't know. I like hanging out with you. Believe it or not, I don't usually have slumber parties at my guy friends' houses. I'm kinda confused at my actions.
LeBlanc: Well, we aren't exactly just friends.
me: I know. I don't know what we are. I like hanging out with you, and I like certain aspects of you. But I don't want to ruin it by having expectations.
LeBlanc: What kind of expectations would you have?
me: I'm not sure. Would this be a regular occurrence? This once a week thing. Phone calls. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can talk to you on the phone, you talk so slow. You might put me to sleep, or I might bore you.
LeBlanc: I think I like this once a week thing. I would like to continue it. The phone. I can do phone calls. I would let you know if you were boring me.
me: Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that.
LeBlanc: What I meant was that I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. I would let you know.
LeBlanc: What kind of expectations did you have of me before?
me: Ok. Don't take this the wrong way. They weren't very high. I kinda have this expectation for you. You -- in the general sense. General sense, meaning, like my guy friends. And half the times, they don't keep their plans. It's just too much work to get angry when they cancel, that I just don't expect them really keep them. I know they don't mean to disappoint, and I don't like to get mad. So it's kinda a win-win situation.
LeBlanc: So you had some low expectations of me?
me: Not you per se. You in the general sense. Please don't take it the wrong way.
LeBlanc: What kind of expectations do you have of me now?
me: I'm not sure.
I don't think we figured much out that talk. I told him what was on my mind, and I'm glad that we talked about it. I don't really like to have things weigh on me, and it helped me realize a couple of things. One of them being that I can talk to LeBlanc and he's a pretty good listener to my mumble jumble.
Things seem to be a bit awkward the next morning. He doesn't hold my hand, and then, I'm not so sure that this really is going anywhere. Or if it can.
The subway was a short ride. At his stop, we part ways.
me: So. Are you going to tell me what to expect? I don't like surprises.
LeBlanc: I.... I think that we're going to be ok, Des.
me: Huh?! What's that mean?
LeBlanc: I think that it's ok to have higher expectations.
Then he kissed me goodbye.
So, I'm supposed to let him know about his Christmas dinner next weekend. He's staying in Calgary this weekend, and I'm heading out to Ottawa to visit my sister.
LeBlanc: Do you want to come with me to my work's Christmas party?
me: Ummm. Isn't it a 60's theme? I don't have an afro.
LeBlanc: That's ok.
me: I think I'm supposed to go home. Can I let you know later?
me: So, I'm going to recycle a line that you used.
LeBlanc: What's that?
me: 'So, I didn't make you feel so awkward that you never want to see me, again?'
LeBlanc: I said that?!
LeBlanc: And what was your response.
me: I think I said, "okay..."
LeBlanc: That's a good answer.
me: Good night.
I'm not sure why I like to re-write parts of our conversations. Maybe I just like reading them :)
I think I'm okay.