Thursday, December 4, 2008

It is what it is...

I'm sitting here watching the latest episode of Ugly Betty, and sometimes, she reminds me so much of myself. The part of her that's responsible and serious. Sometimes, I think that I'm just too serious and responsible.

I know it's cliche, but I guess a part of me if going through some kind of quarter life crisis. Maybe crisis is a bit of a strong word. I guess I've been working full time for about 6 months. I feel like I don't really know anything. That my time is being billed to projects that I really don't know that much about. I guess I need to learn to ask for help more.

I come home and I'm tired, and most of the time, I don't feel like doing much. In fact, I'm so afraid that I'm just going to be coming home, eating and sleeping. Gah!! That's why I need to keep doing sports -- but my last soccer game is next Wednesday, and that's it. Until next season starts in January.

I understand why people gain weight so easily. It didn't really happen to me in university, and I don't want it to happen to me now. That should be motivation enough to get out and do things. And yet, it's so easy to stay in.

A part of me is questioning -- is this it?!

Sometimes I feel like I know what I don't want, and don't really know what I want. I feel like I had done all the right things. I've always acted smart and responsibly, and now I'm wondering where it got me. I never did drugs, never even smoked a cigarette, always got good grades, finished at the top of my class in high school, had a boyfriend who was a good guy, finished my degree in engineering, traveled in my undergrad to places I never knew existed, have a good job.

Now what?

Should there be more? Or should I be happier? I feel like I am in such a great place in my life right now, but I don't really know how to enjoy it. I feel like it should feel different. And I really feel scared. And confused.

It's like I always knew what the next step was. After high school, it was university. After university it was work. And now that I'm here, I'm not sure if this is really where I want to be for the rest of my life. Which is the really scary part. I think that I can be happy right now, but I'm kinda worried about being happy forever here.

Which I guess, is silly. Now that I'm writing it out.

I think that a part of me is exploring that part with LeBlanc. The "before" Des does not do stuff like have slumber parties with guys that I just started seeing. That Des does not allow him to touch me. That Des usually plays it safe until she eventually gets bored cuz there is no excitement. Or maybe it's just cuz I haven't met someone who excites me, yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about LeBlanc. A part of me likes parts of him. Who can really complain when he's such a great kisser? Another part of me likes our random talks walking back from the movies or from dinner. Another part of me is drawn to his care-free persona because that means that I don't have to feel like I'm tied down, or that I have to have things figured out.

A part of me is scared that I might start expecting more or want this to go farther than what it is now. LeBlanc is not exactly Mr. Commitment. And even though, I can't call myself Ms. Commitment.

I just don't want to be disappointed.

A part of me feels like I'm being the carefree, careless person that I wasn't when I was in high school or university. When I think about it (which isn't really too hard for me to do), I question what kind of a message I am sending him.

It's probably not a really good one. But then, LeBlanc is one of the least judgmental people I know. I hope he hasn't judged me too much.

He asked me to go to his work Christmas party next week.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, still. But I think I'm ok with that for now. Defining something doesn't change how I do or don't feel about a situation. I think I'm just going to go with it for now. At least, try to, anyway.

me: So. I'm not sure exactly what we are or not, and that's why I'm confused. I usually like to have things clearly defined. And I believe that is not us.

LeBlanc: Would you prefer to define this?

me: Um... I'm not sure if that makes it easier or if that helps. I like how things are now. I don't like to have expectations because it just makes things complicated.

LeBlanc: What sort of expectations would you have?

me: I don't know. I like hanging out with you. Believe it or not, I don't usually have slumber parties at my guy friends' houses. I'm kinda confused at my actions.

LeBlanc: Well, we aren't exactly just friends.

me: I know. I don't know what we are. I like hanging out with you, and I like certain aspects of you. But I don't want to ruin it by having expectations.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations would you have?

me: I'm not sure. Would this be a regular occurrence? This once a week thing. Phone calls. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can talk to you on the phone, you talk so slow. You might put me to sleep, or I might bore you.

LeBlanc: I think I like this once a week thing. I would like to continue it. The phone. I can do phone calls. I would let you know if you were boring me.

me: Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that.

LeBlanc: What I meant was that I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. I would let you know.

me: Oh.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations did you have of me before?

me: Honestly?

LeBlanc: Yes.

me: Ok. Don't take this the wrong way. They weren't very high. I kinda have this expectation for you. You -- in the general sense. General sense, meaning, like my guy friends. And half the times, they don't keep their plans. It's just too much work to get angry when they cancel, that I just don't expect them really keep them. I know they don't mean to disappoint, and I don't like to get mad. So it's kinda a win-win situation.

LeBlanc: So you had some low expectations of me?

me: Not you per se. You in the general sense. Please don't take it the wrong way.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations do you have of me now?

me: I'm not sure.

I don't think we figured much out that talk. I told him what was on my mind, and I'm glad that we talked about it. I don't really like to have things weigh on me, and it helped me realize a couple of things. One of them being that I can talk to LeBlanc and he's a pretty good listener to my mumble jumble.

Things seem to be a bit awkward the next morning. He doesn't hold my hand, and then, I'm not so sure that this really is going anywhere. Or if it can.

The subway was a short ride. At his stop, we part ways.

me: So. Are you going to tell me what to expect? I don't like surprises.

LeBlanc: I.... I think that we're going to be ok, Des.

me: Huh?! What's that mean?

LeBlanc: I think that it's ok to have higher expectations.

Then he kissed me goodbye.

So, I'm supposed to let him know about his Christmas dinner next weekend. He's staying in Calgary this weekend, and I'm heading out to Ottawa to visit my sister.

LeBlanc: Do you want to come with me to my work's Christmas party?

me: Ummm. Isn't it a 60's theme? I don't have an afro.

LeBlanc: That's ok.

me: I think I'm supposed to go home. Can I let you know later?

LeBlanc: Sure.

me: So, I'm going to recycle a line that you used.

LeBlanc: What's that?

me: 'So, I didn't make you feel so awkward that you never want to see me, again?'

LeBlanc: I said that?!

me: Yep.

LeBlanc: And what was your response.

me: I think I said, "okay..."

LeBlanc: That's a good answer.

me: Good night.

I'm not sure why I like to re-write parts of our conversations. Maybe I just like reading them :)

I think I'm okay.


Miss Burb said...

I think most people out of college feel that way, and that's okay. Everyone is trying to find their place, find what makes them happy. Some people are never happy in their careers but they work hard so they can enjoy their lives outside of work. It's different for everyone and it's important to explore your options, so you at least know what's out there..
So far I like LeBlanc, lol. It seems like he's pretty straight forward and I like that. It's good that you two are able to talk about things, even if it might make you uncomftorable. Communication is key and it seems like he's open to it.

I like reading your guys conversations too :)

Greears said...

Des, I don't know why you inspire me to write so much! Maybe it is part of my own midlife crisis... you are helping me relive my early adulthood. Thank you for letting me continue peeking into your life.

Reading this post is giving me flashback anxiety! I remember feeling that same lost "Is this it?" feeling. To me, it does not sound like you are suffering from adjustment disorder. In education we talk about 'scafolding' and how young people are surrounded with scafolding and each year a little is removed or added depending upon the individuals needs.

You are officially scafolding free baby! The memory of this period in life makes me want to puke.

I like your guy conversations too. Des, try to remember that men are not women. They feel very little, if any, need to process. They have four needs and three of them are soley physical.

When you wrote:

LeBlanc: I.... I think that we're going to be ok, Des.

me: Huh?! What's that mean?

LeBlanc: I think that it's ok to have higher expectations.

I knew that you were having a woman/man conversation. He will be happy with you and satisfied just being with you and hanging out and getting physical. They don't need much more.

When you read my blog you may have seen my vailed revelation that I have become a kind of sex therapist. You will know the way he feels about you by the way he acts. With men, it is the only way you'll really know.

Can you imagine that even women in their 40's are complaining about being upset with their husbands for not processing with them. Imagine these women, with handsome, kind, providing husbands who will do anything to make sure their women are happy, and the women are not happy because they want the men to process.

I always make them laugh by asking them if they really don't want a relationship with a woman.

I guess I'm just trying to say, don't get down on him too much if he doesn't try to define and process this with you too much and if he sucks at talking on the phone. He is just not hardwired for it. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you.

Andy said...

Okay, After reading the two previous comments, I think everything I OCULD have said has been alrady said. At least once.

Well, about the first part, I get those all the freaking time. Is it really worth it for me to be killing myself to go to engineering school in France?

And about LeBlanc, everything works out talking. And I see you're doing it. So, you are going in the right road. Good luck with him and keep posting the conversations.

Des said...

MissBurb - Finding myself is a scary thought. I feel like it's so difficult when there isn't one right or wrong answer - which there isn't. I guess I'm starting to grow up.

Greears - Thanks for taking the time to comment. I always love reading them. The scaffolding is definitely gone, and I wish it was still here, right now. I feel like it's an overwhelming feeling of lost-ness sometimes. About LeBlanc. I guess people show how they like each other in different ways. I will try to keep that in mind.

Andy - Even though engineering was tough, it was one of the best times of my life. I think college in general, is a great experience. And in the end, I'm not sure if the stuff you learn in school is really that applicable in real life. If you want to do it, go for it. It's the only way you'll find out, sweetie. Besides, studying abroad is awesome! :) Enjoy it!