Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Case of the Ex

Another name for this post can be Chocolate Almond Croissant: Part II. This is going to be a long post.

So, I thought that now might be a good time to recap on what happened after Almond and I broke up. This is more for me to get out of my system, since I have never been able to bring myself to put this to paper. It also puts it in perspective.

After Almond and I broke up, some weird stuff happened between us. First, I just was so angry and hurt that I ignored him for a while. It felt like ages and ages to me, in reality, it was about a month and a half.

It was terrible and I am so thankful and grateful for the support of my friends and family. They are the ones who sat with me in the washroom as I cried (I’m not much of a crying-in-front-of-other-people person), bought me Hagan Daaz ice cream, made me peanut butter and chocolate chip brownies while we sat and bitched about my ex.

Might I add that the first Christmas after a break up is horrible. The guy actually had the nerve to send me an email that was so blaming and guilt ridden to make me feel bad for trying to move on with my life. I have never been able to read that email, again. Basically, he hacked my email and read every one for the past month since I refused to talk to him. Then, he had the nerve to tell me that he has been miserable while I have been out with guys.

So what if I started to go swimming with my hot swimmer friend who wanted to give me lessons. It’s no longer any of his business, right? It's not like I rubbed it in his face. He went through my private stuff. Anyway, he made me feel like crap and very guilty. And so, I agreed to meet up with him.

Mistake numero uno. I know. On hindsight, I should not have gone. But sometimes, it's nice to know that I tried to give him a chance even when he didn't deserve one. Sometimes.

We met for coffee. It was obvious that stuff between us wasn’t over. We talked, laughed. And I honestly forgot about all the shit he put me through. We did a little more than kiss. It was good. Better than good.

He wanted to get back together. I said it was a bad idea. I was going off to exchange in Singapore and I knew how he is long distance relationships -- terrible. I would be waiting for his calls, and they wouldn’t come. I would get annoyed and it would just be a damper on my trip. I wanted a break, but we’ll see when I get back. The time apart would give us both some time to figure things out.

We talked, emailed, msn-ed, while I was in Singapore. And a part of me was looking forward to seeing him when I got back to Canada. Who knows, maybe we’ll get back together. I had gone out with a couple guys (more to come on that) and I just didn’t really feel anything. Maybe Almond and I had something special. Who knows?

Almond was graduating that spring, so he went on a 6 week grad trip after his exams. He didn’t’ get back until June, and that’s when we met up.

Perhaps my expectations were held too high. See, I thought that he would realize that he made a mistake. In his frustrated and depressed state of endless job hunting, home problems, school projects, figuring out life in general, and a relationship, he lashed out at the one thing that he could depend on.

I mean, it’s not like he was going to write an email to Microsoft demanding a job or interview. He had no control over that. The way I see it, he saw me as a factor he could control. I didn’t expect us to get back together, or anything, but what I really wanted was an apology for how he handled the situation. Besides, I was always there for him. For five years. I guess he thought that I would fight for us, no matter what.


Almond said that I didn't fight for us. But I did fight for us. Our break up devastated me. I asked him to reconsider what he was doing, even though I was hurting like hell right after it happened.

I told him he was stressed out, and I was not the cause of it. None of it worked, and I was hurting too much to keep trying. Obviously, he wasn’t taking care of me anymore, and I needed to take care of myself, now.

I had troubles concentrating on studying for exams, I was so afraid I would just barely pass. Every time I looked out the window, my mind spun, as to what went wrong and what I could have done differently.

Was I too bossy? Was I not needy enough? Maybe I should have put up with more since he was going through a tough time. I asked myself so many "what if" questions.

I realize, there comes a time when you have to give up the fight. I think that time comes when the other person has already given up – or expects you to want the relationship to work more than them. Both are bad, in my books. That was the situation I was in.

I later learn that what he wanted to happen was for me to ask for us to get back together, again. That would show him that I cared about us. Seriously. In fact, he said that, if I had theoretically been the one to break up with him, he would have asked me to get back together. Of course, because that would’ve have shown that he cared. Right. This made no sense to me whatsoever.

I told him that if I had broken up with him, I would not expect him to ask me to take him back. I would want him to move on. And for the record, we’re not in elementary school, anymore. Who plays such immature games? Honestly. I felt like he was a completely different person. The man, whom I loved, was replaced by a twelve year old with a big ego. Damn it.

Fast forward.

After Almond came back from his graduation trip, we met up. I'm not going into any details, but basically, it seemed like he put no thought into it.

He didn't feel bad about the crap he put me through, or for acting so childish. He still insisted on the same things -- that I should've fought for us. That I should have asked to get back together instead of trying to move on. That I was wrong for trying to move on. That I was wrong to want to need my space. etc etc.

He made it sound like I owed him a friendship just because we were together for 5 years. Like I was being selfish for not wanting him in my life until I get myself back on track. It was really frustrating.

For some reason, I still thought about giving us a chance. I told him then, that if wanted to try, I was willing, but this is the only chance he's getting. Because if he's not taking this chance, I've obviously wasted more than enough time on him.

Then he gives me some crap about how we just couldn't be together. That we are just fundamentally wrong. I asked for examples.

Honest to god, I'm not lying when I tell you he used these 2 examples.

1) When I went to Booster Juice one time, I got him a strawberry banana shake. He said he didn't like banana and that I should've know that. I apologized and said I forgot that the flavour had banana in it. He kept whining about how I should have known, and that I really don't know him, if I got him banana. Then, I got annoyed and told him if he didn't want it, then don't drink it. So basically, I should not have gotten him banana. Because the guy doesn't like banana.

2) When I first move to my new place, I gave him the wrong directions to get to my house. I have a really bad sense of directions, but also, roads in Waterloo do not run parallel or perpendicular all the way. They wind and curve and do crazy things. So, needless to say, he didn't make it to my place until after a very big detour. He was biking and he was tired and sweaty and I felt terrible. It was an accident. But that was the second example he gave me.

Go figure. Guys can be such fucking idiots. Seriously.

I need a margarita.

** Despite what the bunny says, I've been able to get past this. I really don't hate him or anything. I just don't think it's necessary to talk or pretend to be friends, since I can't really trust him as a friend. I only wish him the best. Those were some really great times we shared, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but it's also time to leave the past in the past, and move on with my life.

Still, it doesn't hurt to put on Daughtry's Over You, right now. :)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A "Guy's Bed"

I just realized that I have been sleeping in a "guy's bed" for the past few years of my life.

First, let me explain what I mean by "guy's bed."

des's definitions (with ideas taken from a post by my bloggy buddy, SO@24)

guy's bed: a bed that is functional. Most likely has a maximum of one pillow -- despite it being larger than a twin or single size bed. The thread count is most likely at a minimum -- whatever was on sale at Zellers or Wal-Mart at the big back to school sale.

girl's bed: a bed that is not only functional, but also comfortable and pretty. There are at least 2 pillows and probably a couple more "throw pillows", at least one (cute and furry) teddy bear, sheets are soft and silky -- at least 800 - 1000 thread count. The comforter probably comes in a matching set to the pillows and sheets. Not only is it a place to catch some zzz's, but its also a little slice of heaven.

So, now that I am a young, working professional. I am ready to buy my first piece of furniture -- which, for your information, is going to be a bed. I love my sleep, so this is going to take some research and investigation. I am determined to sleep in a "girl's bed", by the time I move into my new apartment in October. With my many soft and comfy pillows and matching sheet sets.

Ikea. Here I come. We're going to be seeing a lot of each other this summer. :)

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Thoughts on Love Abroad

OK, I still haven't gotten pictures from the girls yet. Darn it. I can't believe how busy everyone is. But they will come soon. In the meantime, I will bore you with my reflections of "love" that I had while one this trip.

It's funny the thoughts that come into one's head while traveling. You have so much time it seems, and your mind wanders, whether you like it or not. It could be on a long train ride, waiting (yet again) for a delayed flight, drifting along the Nile, watching a sunset, climbing a mountain, watching a sunrise. You get it.

I guess one of the thoughts that hit me really hard was: "I can be happy again with someone new". I know. That took long enough, eh?! When I imagined myself -- perhaps traveling with a significant other -- the image was no longer of Almond. In fact, in wasn't of anyone in particular (most of the time) -- just a mysterious Mr. X.

Now, I truly believe (not just convinced by rationality) that I can really find someone who would love me for who I am, and I can love back with all my heart. It's taken me a while to get to this point. I've taken a look back on my relationship, and realized that I have indeed grown significantly as a person and as a (potential) lover and partner.

The most important part being that the relationship I have with myself is a lot healthier. I have more of an idea of what I want in my life, and more importantly, what my values are. I have learned to take a little more risk, but also learned to let things slide if they don't work out. I have learned to forgive myself, and other people, of mistakes or miscommunications, or whatever, but also know that it's alright to feel hurt and angry for a while.

Carrie Bradshaw once said,

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Before I left on my trip, Almond had emailed me and wanted to know how things were in my life and wanted to get together. I felt obligated to see him, but I said I would let him know when I get back. After weighing the pro's and con's, I feel it may be better not to see him right now. I'm pretty sure he has a new girlfriend, and though I do feel happy for him. I don't think I'm ready to see him. Plain and simple.

I'm happy where I am in my life right now, and I'm afraid seeing him will mess things up. I get to be a little selfish, right?