Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Case of the Ex

Another name for this post can be Chocolate Almond Croissant: Part II. This is going to be a long post.

So, I thought that now might be a good time to recap on what happened after Almond and I broke up. This is more for me to get out of my system, since I have never been able to bring myself to put this to paper. It also puts it in perspective.

After Almond and I broke up, some weird stuff happened between us. First, I just was so angry and hurt that I ignored him for a while. It felt like ages and ages to me, in reality, it was about a month and a half.

It was terrible and I am so thankful and grateful for the support of my friends and family. They are the ones who sat with me in the washroom as I cried (I’m not much of a crying-in-front-of-other-people person), bought me Hagan Daaz ice cream, made me peanut butter and chocolate chip brownies while we sat and bitched about my ex.

Might I add that the first Christmas after a break up is horrible. The guy actually had the nerve to send me an email that was so blaming and guilt ridden to make me feel bad for trying to move on with my life. I have never been able to read that email, again. Basically, he hacked my email and read every one for the past month since I refused to talk to him. Then, he had the nerve to tell me that he has been miserable while I have been out with guys.

So what if I started to go swimming with my hot swimmer friend who wanted to give me lessons. It’s no longer any of his business, right? It's not like I rubbed it in his face. He went through my private stuff. Anyway, he made me feel like crap and very guilty. And so, I agreed to meet up with him.

Mistake numero uno. I know. On hindsight, I should not have gone. But sometimes, it's nice to know that I tried to give him a chance even when he didn't deserve one. Sometimes.

We met for coffee. It was obvious that stuff between us wasn’t over. We talked, laughed. And I honestly forgot about all the shit he put me through. We did a little more than kiss. It was good. Better than good.

He wanted to get back together. I said it was a bad idea. I was going off to exchange in Singapore and I knew how he is long distance relationships -- terrible. I would be waiting for his calls, and they wouldn’t come. I would get annoyed and it would just be a damper on my trip. I wanted a break, but we’ll see when I get back. The time apart would give us both some time to figure things out.

We talked, emailed, msn-ed, while I was in Singapore. And a part of me was looking forward to seeing him when I got back to Canada. Who knows, maybe we’ll get back together. I had gone out with a couple guys (more to come on that) and I just didn’t really feel anything. Maybe Almond and I had something special. Who knows?

Almond was graduating that spring, so he went on a 6 week grad trip after his exams. He didn’t’ get back until June, and that’s when we met up.

Perhaps my expectations were held too high. See, I thought that he would realize that he made a mistake. In his frustrated and depressed state of endless job hunting, home problems, school projects, figuring out life in general, and a relationship, he lashed out at the one thing that he could depend on.

I mean, it’s not like he was going to write an email to Microsoft demanding a job or interview. He had no control over that. The way I see it, he saw me as a factor he could control. I didn’t expect us to get back together, or anything, but what I really wanted was an apology for how he handled the situation. Besides, I was always there for him. For five years. I guess he thought that I would fight for us, no matter what.


Almond said that I didn't fight for us. But I did fight for us. Our break up devastated me. I asked him to reconsider what he was doing, even though I was hurting like hell right after it happened.

I told him he was stressed out, and I was not the cause of it. None of it worked, and I was hurting too much to keep trying. Obviously, he wasn’t taking care of me anymore, and I needed to take care of myself, now.

I had troubles concentrating on studying for exams, I was so afraid I would just barely pass. Every time I looked out the window, my mind spun, as to what went wrong and what I could have done differently.

Was I too bossy? Was I not needy enough? Maybe I should have put up with more since he was going through a tough time. I asked myself so many "what if" questions.

I realize, there comes a time when you have to give up the fight. I think that time comes when the other person has already given up – or expects you to want the relationship to work more than them. Both are bad, in my books. That was the situation I was in.

I later learn that what he wanted to happen was for me to ask for us to get back together, again. That would show him that I cared about us. Seriously. In fact, he said that, if I had theoretically been the one to break up with him, he would have asked me to get back together. Of course, because that would’ve have shown that he cared. Right. This made no sense to me whatsoever.

I told him that if I had broken up with him, I would not expect him to ask me to take him back. I would want him to move on. And for the record, we’re not in elementary school, anymore. Who plays such immature games? Honestly. I felt like he was a completely different person. The man, whom I loved, was replaced by a twelve year old with a big ego. Damn it.

Fast forward.

After Almond came back from his graduation trip, we met up. I'm not going into any details, but basically, it seemed like he put no thought into it.

He didn't feel bad about the crap he put me through, or for acting so childish. He still insisted on the same things -- that I should've fought for us. That I should have asked to get back together instead of trying to move on. That I was wrong for trying to move on. That I was wrong to want to need my space. etc etc.

He made it sound like I owed him a friendship just because we were together for 5 years. Like I was being selfish for not wanting him in my life until I get myself back on track. It was really frustrating.

For some reason, I still thought about giving us a chance. I told him then, that if wanted to try, I was willing, but this is the only chance he's getting. Because if he's not taking this chance, I've obviously wasted more than enough time on him.

Then he gives me some crap about how we just couldn't be together. That we are just fundamentally wrong. I asked for examples.

Honest to god, I'm not lying when I tell you he used these 2 examples.

1) When I went to Booster Juice one time, I got him a strawberry banana shake. He said he didn't like banana and that I should've know that. I apologized and said I forgot that the flavour had banana in it. He kept whining about how I should have known, and that I really don't know him, if I got him banana. Then, I got annoyed and told him if he didn't want it, then don't drink it. So basically, I should not have gotten him banana. Because the guy doesn't like banana.

2) When I first move to my new place, I gave him the wrong directions to get to my house. I have a really bad sense of directions, but also, roads in Waterloo do not run parallel or perpendicular all the way. They wind and curve and do crazy things. So, needless to say, he didn't make it to my place until after a very big detour. He was biking and he was tired and sweaty and I felt terrible. It was an accident. But that was the second example he gave me.

Go figure. Guys can be such fucking idiots. Seriously.

I need a margarita.

** Despite what the bunny says, I've been able to get past this. I really don't hate him or anything. I just don't think it's necessary to talk or pretend to be friends, since I can't really trust him as a friend. I only wish him the best. Those were some really great times we shared, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but it's also time to leave the past in the past, and move on with my life.

Still, it doesn't hurt to put on Daughtry's Over You, right now. :)


Miss Burb said...

there are so many things I could comment on here, but basically, they would've all said you were right. First off, chivilary is NOT dead.
Second, I know how you feel to put so much of yourself in a relationship and not even get half in return. It's not fair and if you get broken up with, you should not have to fight for it.
He didn't really have any business getting into your business. You have a right to space and you have the right to move. He can't control you and it sounds like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

glad you're back in the bloggin world :)

Des said...

Thanks, miss burb!

It's nice to be back. Things have been so busy lately. I'm either at work, or out. I barely spend any time at home. Going to stop by your page soon. :)

Stilettos and Nostalgia said...

I realize, there comes a time when you have to give up the fight. I think that time comes when the other person has already given up – or expects you to want the relationship to work more than them. Both are bad, in my books.

That's so hard for me to do - give up the fight. I'm so stubborn. Thanks for the read, by the way. I really like how you name your characters a different dessert. Very creative! And if the guy doesn't like banana, tell him to f*** off and get his own smoothies next time. What is he, 5?


Des said...

Thanks, for stopping by, SaN. I really enjoyed your post -- I think that I'm inspired to make my own "first date disaster" post. :)

Letting go is so hard. It's taken me almost 2 years, but I think I've come out a better person.

You can't help how you feel, but you can choose how to act on your feelings. So I try to make better choices based on that kind of thinking.

PS. I so should have told him off about BANANA. That bastard. LOL.

Phil said...

This is the wrong kind of post for a dude to comment on, but I just had to say that image of the bunny with "hi, loser" underneath it is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. :-)

Cheers Des. Hope you're getting through this, and doing well.

passthepeanutbutter said...

um, those two "reasons" are by far the lamest things i have ever heard. seriously. that's like saying remember the way you parted your hair that one time three years ago? yeah well, it really bothered me and now i can't be with you.

boys are lameeee.

Des said...

Phil: Glad you liked the bunny :). Actually, I would be interested in knowing what a guy would have to say about my situation. If you're comfortable with sharing your thoughts, I would like to know what they are.

PeanutButter: I KNOW! He might as well have said that. Oh, well.

Phil said...

Hi Des,

I'll tell you, I've been in this situation before - roles reversed. It was years ago, and I mean years - I was 19. It was a 2-year relationship that shouldn't have lasted 2 weeks, but I was young and in love, and she literally had me in the palm of her hand. And she had no problem closing it whenever it suited her. It was my first introduction to Love and I really wish I hadn't met it. Years later, I wonder if I really had.

The feelings that I have for my wife are feelings I've never experienced - ever. From the day we met, I honestly think I knew what true love was. And you really won't know until you meet "the one." And who that is, is anyone's guess. But the thought of her as I type this puts creases in my cheeks. And I've felt the same way for 18 years. That to me is love, and it's a very comforting feeling.

Being a self-absorbed egotistical tool is not gender-specific, but no one does it better than men. I'll be the first one to admit it. I'm not speaking from personal experience - I've done my best to treat people with the same respect that I feel I deserve - but people close to me (friends, brothers) have done it all, and it sucks. I feel horrible having to douse my true feelings while listening to them tell me how it was all her fault and not theirs. If they only knew. :-)

Ultimately, I think your situation with Almond is nothing more than emotional immaturity on his part. It's that, and the fact that it appears he doesn't know how women think, and when to say the right thing or nothing at all. You remember that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Damn, that hit the mark. If men want to be successful in relationships, they have to put the same amount of work into it that women do, and do your best to understand how they're generally going to react to certain things. I'm still learning myself. You're a fickle bunch, but I'll be damned if I can't live without you.

While I'm not going to finger-wag, doing "more than kissing" was a bad idea, unless that's all it was to both of you. But if that was meant to try to repair whatever damage had been done prior to and after your break-up, it really fixes nothing. Feels good at the time, but doesn't really help matters. If anything, it creates confusion. That's why he wanted to try to get back together. I've been guilty of this too. Won't say it was horrible by any means, but it didn't fix what was broken. It's like eating a cup cake. Damn, that was tasty, but I still have to get some nutrients in my body.

Why does everything end up being about food with me?

He's blaming you for your break-up, but he was the one who made the decision. And it turns out he wanted you to take the blame for his mistake all along. He should be a man about it and tell you he's sorry, that he made the wrong decision. He owes that to you, and to your relationship. If he really is "the one" that's what he'll do. And if he doesn't, then you know where you stand with him. You can move on, and you should.

I hope I didn't say too much, or offend anyone here. I try to stay out of the girl's room, especially on stuff like this. You're far more capable of comprehending the reasoning behind these things than men can be, in most cases anyway.



Des said...


Thank you for taking the time and effort to share your thoughts with me on this matter. It really means a lot to me that a complete stranger would take the time of day to be honest with me. That was really all I wanted from Almond.

This was one of the most hurtful things I have had to go through, but it's true what they say, it only makes you stronger. This happened way back in December 2006. Most of what I have shared here has been heard by my close friends and relatives. Since it had such a huge impact on me, I didn't want to forget it, and hence, writing it out. It also doesn't hurt to get some perspective on it, either, or share my experience with other people who may be going through similar situations.

You're right, Phil, "doing more than kissing" did not repair anything. I am not so naive to think that it would. At that moment, we were both very lonely, emotional wrecks, and it felt good in the moment. But, that was it. Though, I don't condone it, I also don't regret it.

When we met up again after his trip, I wasn't expecting us to get back together. What I really wanted -- and deserved -- was what you said, an apology for the way he treated me, for blaming me and basically acting very childish and hurtful.

I didn't get that. Instead, what I got was his two lame examples. And as much as that hurt, I was a stronger person by then. Even though I didnt' get the simple apology I deserved, and thought I needed for closure, I learned something more important. That closer comes from within me. Sure, it would have been nice for him to realize what a jerk he was, but that is secondary.

I learned that I don't need anything from him to move on with my life. And that was a great feeling when I realized it. I also knew that I never wanted to hurt anyone the way he hurt me. I also knew that I didn't want to be bitter about it. But, I will also be more careful with whom I share me heart with. I believe in true love, and I believe that I will find it one day.

What you said, Phil, has confirmed what I thought. That he was just looking to blame me, because he was confused himself about what he wanted. I don't need or want his apology now, it's a little late for that. I just hope that he has realized what he did, by now. Not for my sake, but for his, and his future relationships.

Part of being a grown up is to learn from your past, right? I'm learning from mine, and moving on. It's just sometimes when I think about it, it's really sad. That's all.

Thanks again, for the comment, Phil.

Now, I'm going to grab a cup cake. Just because :)