Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Me and Dating
You know those couples that have been together for god-knows-how-long. They met in high school and have been together ever since. Other people just envy them and the love they share.
I was one of those couples. Until I wasn't.
Now, for the past almost-two years, I have been navigating the dating world as a single gal. I've gone on my share of first dates, and then some. Some awkward. Some fun. Most of them were with genuinely nice guys. A couple with some jerks.
As a single girl who had her heart broken, the thing I was most afraid of was not being able to feel that way, again. The butterflies. The excitement. Being able to trust someone, again.
Rationally speaking, I will find someone. I am intelligent, kind, witty, out going, physically active -- I'm no model, but I think I'm fairly attractive.
But in the time that I have been alone, I think I have been working on the relationship that I had been neglecting while I was in a relationship with Almond. The relationship with me. When you've been together with someone for so long, there is no doubt that you don't always put your needs, first.
For the past almost-two years, I came first. It was a good feeling. I was able to grow as an individual, instead of as part of a couple. I was able to learn lessons of love. Lessons of forgiveness. Lessons of moving on.
I always thought that I would be the type of girlfriend who could maintain ties to their exes. I thought that to be able to spend such a significant amount of time with someone and share so much with that person, you would want them in your life. I was wrong.
I didn't know how much hurt that person could cause. Even though I have forgiven him, I think that's all I can do. Being friends would be asking too much of myself. I know my limits, and I am just protecting myself.
Besides, would Almond be worth explaining to my new boyfriend for someone to accept? I'm not so sure. When he wanted my friendship, part of it was to see if it would lead "anywhere." I guess that's the part that I'm skeptical about. He didn't respect me enough to be honest about his intent of a "friendship."
I know who my friends are. And, unfortunately, he is no longer one of them. He will always be an important part of me. But he is in past now.
I'll save the post for my disasters of first dates for another time. Oh lordy, there were some really awkward ones.
For now, I'll just say that I'm a little excited about someone. Someone who brings a silly grin to my face when I think of them. Someone whom I can spend hours talking on the phone with about nothing in particular. Someone who I can tease and they can keep up with their own smart remarks. Someone who I look forward to seeing sometime this week.