Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Please Punch Me in the Face if I'm Annoying

I want my guy to punch me in the face if I'm annoying. Figuratively speaking, of course.

I was reading this post from Loayza from Become a Young Successful Entrepreneur. This is a post where he talks about how he determined his girlfriend was the one.

An important point he brought up was to be able to have a fight with his girlfriend. He says that it shows that he cares enough to get into an argument with her. Which raises a very good point for me.

When Almond and I were dating, we hardly every fought (for almost 5 years!). True, we were both very easy going people, but sometimes, I would just get annoyed and snap. But, Almond would not.

If I got annoyed, Almond would try calm me down or try to rationalize with me. But he would never lose his cool with me. If he got mad, he would rather be alone until the anger passed.

I know that different people deal with anger or feelings, in general, differently, but this really bothered me. It bothered me especially more towards the end of our relationship, when I felt like I had to yell or cry just to be heard, and Almond was always as cool as a cucumber.

I really wanted Almond to just get mad at me. To yell at me. For some reason, I felt like this "calm facade" was a shield for him not to reveal his raw emotions to me, and that I wasn't worth the effort to fight.

I did know part of the reason behind this behavior. Almond's parents fought a lot. Almond said that he hated the idea of yelling at me, or losing his temper. He said that he didn't see why we couldn't just speak calmly. He didn't see what yelling or fighting would get accomplished.

For me, this was a main contributor to why we didn't work out. Even though, Almond had his alone moments to sort through his thoughts, he never told me the things that bothered him about me.

It all came out in verbal diarhea that had been suppressed for almost 5 years, after we broke up. Random thoughts that were suppressed that he held against me like a grudge, blaming me for not knowing, because I should have known.

Should have known how he really felt about going to Japan, when he told me it was OK.

Should have known how mad he was when I gave him wrong directions my first week at my new house.

Should have known that he didn't want banana and strawberry smoothies.

And yes, these were the exact examples he brought up! But not once, had he actually told me when we were together. When he was in fact, fuming with anger inside. Men.

And so that concludes my previous experience of having fights in my past relationships. Fast forward to now.

LeBlanc and I haven't had a big fight, yet. There have been annoyances - some bigger than others. Sometimes, I can be annoying, and I can read the signs. Sometimes LeBlanc gets up and physically removes himself from situation because he is annoyed, and he thinks he will snap at me if he doesn't. Sometimes, it is my fault, and sometimes, it's just a bunch of factors.

LeBlanc and I have had some serious talks, and I have asked him to let me know when something is up, or if I do something that upsets him, or if something changes. I think he thinks that this stems from my previous relationship, which it does, but more importantly, I just want to know that I am worth the effort of a fight. Maybe I should be more clear.

What are your thoughts fighting in a relationship?? How do you and your significant other deal with these fights?? How do you think they have helped you and your relationship??

Sunday, September 27, 2009

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days. One of those days when things have snowballed during the week, and that one thing, no matter how minute and small, just tips the scale. You need a good cry. You can't solve anything, but bawling your eyes out for a little bit will just help.

Fabulously Broke described it really well in her post, "It's a Girl Thing, Honey." (I actually sent that article to LeBlanc for future reference when I found that post a couple months ago.)

I had a bad week at work last week. A couple days, I was feeling a bit under the weather, and I just called in sick. Then I felt down about that, because I felt like I should be more compassionate about my job. When lately, I've just felt kinda "meh", and I can't imagine myself doing this my entire life. Processing paper work, writing specifications, babysitting clients, putting up with dodgy contractors, etc etc.

Then, of course there was my "I love you" moment with LeBlanc last weekend where I was a little hurt. Not his fault, but it added to my snowball.

Then there was the possibility of LeBlanc going away to The Democratic Republic of Congo for a possible project. It might be for a few months, and we're not sure if he would be able to come back very often. And I was afraid it would just be too hard if we didn't see each other for 4 or 5 months. I would really miss him.

This morning started simply enough. We woke up around 11ish, and LeBlanc promised to make me scrambled eggs and pea meal bacon for breakfast. Some of his friends were visiting, so we went for coffee first, and post poned breakfast until afterwards. (Aside: I get really grouchy when I'm hungry.)

After coffee, we went to buy our breakfast ingredients. But LeBlanc wanted to stop by the Army Surplus store to look for a bday present for his little brother. So we looked a little, but couldn't really find something. I suggested we come back after breakfast. (Yea, I want my food!)

So we're back his apartment, and the kitchen is really quite a dirty mess. Four male consultant roommates. Always working. Never at home. Rarely clean. So LeBlanc starts cleaning, and tells me not to worry about the mess and I can start cooking while he cleans. I start cooking pea meal bacon. Fry tomatoes. Scramble eggs. And some instant curry.

LeBlanc takes a call from his little brother who is doing practice interviews with. His little bro is graduating from college this coming spring and has some upcoming interviews. LeBlanc has been helping him by asking some typical questions, and guiding him with presenting his thought process.

I come downstairs and LeBlanc is on the phone. And this is where bitchy Des enters the scene.

I get upset that I need to wait for him, and kinda stalked off. And then I start to feel the snowball effect of above mentioned events. I take a long shower to suppress the tears and hope that the snow ball will pass. LeBlanc knocks on the door to let me know he's done, but I don't want to come out with my tear stained face.

By the time I leave the washroom, I find the house empty.

I spoon myself a serving of curry and queue up a tv show. Then LeBlanc comes in. With a little "sorry gift" for me. But I'm upset and a brush it away.

LeBlanc: Ouch. Ummm... I'll go get the food.

And he heads upstairs. At this point, I couldn't suppress tears and emotions, and I went to the washroom to cry. I know, I know. I am pathetic, and bitchy.

LeBlanc knocks on the washroom, and can tell I am crying. I finally open the door but I turn off the lights so he doesn't see my tear stained face. (I look absolutely awful when I cry. My eyes are all red and puffy, and smaller than they already are. My nose is red. And my nose is full of snots and I can barely speak cuz I'm all choked up.)

LeBlanc asks to come in, and brings said food into the washroom (on top of the toilet) and hugs me, and asks me what's wrong. When all I could do was sniffle out some snorts.

LeBlanc: When you cry, it scares me.

me: *sniffle* Why?

LeBlanc: I don't know what to do, or why.

LeBlanc suggests we take our food out of the washroom and talk about it in his room, so that our food does not get contaminated.

I still can't really talk, but I try to wipe away my tears, while hiding behind my hair.

LeBlanc: I've never seen you cry before. It's so feminine. You're usually so strong.

me: *sniffles*

LeBlanc: You look cute when you cry.

me: I look terrible!

LeBlanc: You look cute and sexy. You're all pouty.

LeBlanc gives me his "sorry present", again, and I accept it this time.

LeBlanc: I went out to look for a necklace for you, cuz I know you're looking for one. But I'm not very good with buying necklaces. Or clothes. Or shoes. Or sandals. So I got you a little bag, with something in it.

LeBlanc gives me a little wooden ring with blue flowers on it, and places in on my finger. I'm not anymore, and start to loose the lump in my throat. I feel silly and continue to cry into his shoulders, trying not to leave too much snot on his shirt. I'm such a lady.

We eat our long awaited breakfast and watch our new favourite show, The Big Bang Theory.

Afterwards, I explain to him it wasn't really his fault, and tell him about the above mentioned events. Except for the "I love you" part. And we talked things through. And things are a lot better, now. And he recalled the article I sent to him earlier, and asked if it was one of those days. It was indeed.

I wanted to apologize for being such a bitch in the morning when he was just helping out his little brother. But I was afraid I would start bawling, again, so I sent him an e-mail. I hope he understands.

I feel so lucky to have found someone so sweet and caring.

Do you have those days?? How do you deal with them??

Monday, September 21, 2009

I Think I Love You

As you know, I've been thinking it for a while, and recently decided that I was almost ready to tell LeBlanc that I love him.I love him for because he makes me happy. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel special and loved. He is intelligent and ambitious, and yet modest and humble. He is patient. He is sweet and thoughtful. He is kind and gentle. He calms me down when he senses I'm tense. He listens to my crazy ideas of life, and encourages me to pursue said crazy ideas :)

So, I've been having this build up of emotion. It started one day at a traffic light when I was worked up from driving through downtown rush hour traffic. Hate. Doing. That. But he reached over and gave me a squeeze and told me I'm doing great.

Then, there was last weekend when he queued up my favourite Taylor Swift songs on YouTube and sang along, even with his friends around. (He doesn't get embarrassed easily, eh!)

Or how he never gets mad at me even though I've stolen the blanket in the middle of the night from him on several occasions and he's gotten a bit of a cold in the morning.

I like watching him help his little brothers with their homework.

I like that he is proud of my work, and introduces me as a "real" engineer and that I'm "smarter than him" even though, I don't think it's true.

And lately the urge to tell him how I feel has been a bit overwhelming. But...

When was the right time? ...The right place? ...How should I say it? ...Should I be scared of being the first to say it? ...What if he doesn't feel the same way? ...Would he think I'm moving too fast and pushing him away? ...Am I making myself too vulnerable?

But last night, I did it.

He drove me home after dinner with his family at his parents' house. We kissed good night, and I went to grab my bags. Then, I decided that I had to tell him right then, and didn't want to put it off any longer.

I hug him, and say, "I think I love you."

There is a pause, as I think he is digesting my unexpected farewell.

LeBlanc: Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

Another pause.

LeBlanc: I really like you a lot.

me: Ummm. Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

LeBlanc: This is new to me. I've never felt this way before.

me: What's that?

LeBlanc: Felt like I really like someone.

Aside thought: I admit, I was a wee bit dissappointed that he didn't say that he loved me, too. But, I was kinda prepared for the fact that LeBlanc, might not in fact be
1) ready to say it
2) might not feel it
I don't want him to say that if he does not mean it. I don't want him to just say it because I said it. And I appreciate his honesty. I am glad that I was able to tell him how I feel. But, still.

PS. I've been working on a new blog which focuses on personal finance. Join me on my journey to financial freedom at!