Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Please Punch Me in the Face if I'm Annoying

I want my guy to punch me in the face if I'm annoying. Figuratively speaking, of course.

I was reading this post from Loayza from Become a Young Successful Entrepreneur. This is a post where he talks about how he determined his girlfriend was the one.

An important point he brought up was to be able to have a fight with his girlfriend. He says that it shows that he cares enough to get into an argument with her. Which raises a very good point for me.

When Almond and I were dating, we hardly every fought (for almost 5 years!). True, we were both very easy going people, but sometimes, I would just get annoyed and snap. But, Almond would not.

If I got annoyed, Almond would try calm me down or try to rationalize with me. But he would never lose his cool with me. If he got mad, he would rather be alone until the anger passed.

I know that different people deal with anger or feelings, in general, differently, but this really bothered me. It bothered me especially more towards the end of our relationship, when I felt like I had to yell or cry just to be heard, and Almond was always as cool as a cucumber.

I really wanted Almond to just get mad at me. To yell at me. For some reason, I felt like this "calm facade" was a shield for him not to reveal his raw emotions to me, and that I wasn't worth the effort to fight.

I did know part of the reason behind this behavior. Almond's parents fought a lot. Almond said that he hated the idea of yelling at me, or losing his temper. He said that he didn't see why we couldn't just speak calmly. He didn't see what yelling or fighting would get accomplished.

For me, this was a main contributor to why we didn't work out. Even though, Almond had his alone moments to sort through his thoughts, he never told me the things that bothered him about me.

It all came out in verbal diarhea that had been suppressed for almost 5 years, after we broke up. Random thoughts that were suppressed that he held against me like a grudge, blaming me for not knowing, because I should have known.

Should have known how he really felt about going to Japan, when he told me it was OK.

Should have known how mad he was when I gave him wrong directions my first week at my new house.

Should have known that he didn't want banana and strawberry smoothies.

And yes, these were the exact examples he brought up! But not once, had he actually told me when we were together. When he was in fact, fuming with anger inside. Men.

And so that concludes my previous experience of having fights in my past relationships. Fast forward to now.

LeBlanc and I haven't had a big fight, yet. There have been annoyances - some bigger than others. Sometimes, I can be annoying, and I can read the signs. Sometimes LeBlanc gets up and physically removes himself from situation because he is annoyed, and he thinks he will snap at me if he doesn't. Sometimes, it is my fault, and sometimes, it's just a bunch of factors.

LeBlanc and I have had some serious talks, and I have asked him to let me know when something is up, or if I do something that upsets him, or if something changes. I think he thinks that this stems from my previous relationship, which it does, but more importantly, I just want to know that I am worth the effort of a fight. Maybe I should be more clear.

What are your thoughts fighting in a relationship?? How do you and your significant other deal with these fights?? How do you think they have helped you and your relationship??


Greears said...

Wow, fighting... I think there are two kinds of fighting: fighting for attention and fighting because you really care about something.

I'll be honest. Now that I am in this for the long haul and very happy, I find that I am usually fighting for attention. I want to be a priority even if it is for a few minutes and the attention is negative. Vince fights with me because the rest of his life is stressing him out and I am an easy target that he can vent on. (Sex is an easy way to keep both of these types of fights to a minimum.)

With topics that really matter we have enough respect for each other and maturity about us that we can talk about our opinions and weigh out the options.

It is childish to expect anyone to read your mind and automatically know your needs, but it is worse to throw that back out into a conversation (ala Almond) later as if you could have been some kind of Soviet Era telepathy experiament.

I have found that happy unions that have been going on for a long time have found a way to ignore the other person when they are being a jerk. They have found a way to let go of most issues and focus only on the ones that truly affect health and safety (and joy).

For instance, Vince was being a jerk on Saturday and I ignored him to the point of ditching out of a lunch date with him. When we got back together I was angry, but chose to ignore him some more and then, a bit later, he was calm again, back to his usual self and apologized without words (or admitting he was wrong god forbid!) by holding doors for me, helping my mother, buying me treats, keeping the kids out of the bath, etc. That night he confessed that all the projects that must get done before the snow flies were stressing him out. I had had no idea.

In conclusion, I find that it's not the fighting that counts but the ability to fight selectivly and ignore the rest that makes a relationship successful.

Des said...

Greears - I never thought about the different reasons for fighting. Thanks for pointing that out. At the end of our relationship, Almond and I fought, but on my part it was fighting for attention. I felt that if I didn't shout / cry / yell, he just didn't pay any attention. Or felt like it was important, even though I told him time after time. That should have been a big sign, eh!?

LeBlanc and I have talked about some pretty touchy topics, and I am glad that we are both mature enough, and have enough respect for each other that we can state our opinions and work through things. No fight, yet. But when it comes, I hope that it is something that is worthy of a fight : )

Andy said...

Ohhhh... fights... I remember when I used to make my ex-boyfriend mad at me just because the making-up was SO AMAZING. ;)

Des said...

Make-ups are pretty amazing, but I don't like the drama of a fight. I find it exhausting... I wish there was a way to just skip to the making-up part! ;)