Poking and Prodding

This weekend, LeBlanc came back for a week of working in Toronto before heading back abroad. We spent most of this weekend together, just hanging out, cooking, watching tv, sleeping. The usual. I was really really happy to see him on Friday.

I let myself in, and was on the phone with my sister at that moment. He was cleaning his room and the bathroom. He ran out, and scooped me up in a big hug and planted kisses. I had to call my sister back :)

We made some dinner and watched "Marley and Me". I love lazy time together.

The next day, he was still a little jet lagged and tired. I later realized he didn't sleep that well the night before, and he was a little grouchy. I usually like to "bug" him with poking, prodding, and tickling.

I guess I do this when I get bored, or want him to pay attention to me:) This time, instead of being playful, he seemed a little irritated - and I didn't really know how to react.

I know I tend to take things personally, and I'm trying not to. Especially when we would do this all the time, and he liked it. When he seemed to be a bit better, he would cuddle up and be more receptive.

We talked about it today, and he said that it wasn't my fault. It just so happened that I was doing things at the wrong times, and it irritated him. I told him that I noticed the irration, but I didn't know why. So, if he could just tell me if he had a headache, or stomache-ache - then, I would kinda know to not poke in prod, because in general, we both like being poked and prodded.

LeBlanc and I have been dating for a little while now, and even though I know all relationships are kinda like a roller coaster, I feel like I'm about to take a big step. An emotional big step, of letting him into my heart.

I know that I've pretended to be tougher than I really am. I pretended that I don't care as much as I really do. I pretended that I'm cool when sometimes, I'm just doing back flips inside. And in many ways, I know it's because I am thinking that I'm protecting myself.

I know that I am a strong and independant woman. I am smart, beautiful, and generally a nice and caring person. I want to be treated like a lady, and deserve to be respected. This is the part that is strong and confident.

But there is also a part of me that's vulnerable and emotional. There is also a part of me that's been hurt before. And even though it wasn't LeBlanc who hurt me. I was hurt by someone whom I loved.

As mentioned in my previous posts, the most hurtful part wasn't the break up, it was what was said after it.

After all these years, Almond broke up with me, and he expected me to "fight for us." He thought that I would want us to be together, and basically beg him to take me back. When he talked afterwards, he said that's what he expected, and was hurt when that didn't happen. He felt it was me showing that I didn't care about what we had.

When I told Almond that it was now time that I started to think about myself first, and it wasn't in my best interest to do that (though, I did feel like it sometimes), he responded that he always saw me as an "emotional" person, and not "practical" and didn't expect my response of ignoring him, at all.

And so that was one of the things that I feared most about any new relationship. That the guy would see me as someone I'm not, and think that they can take advantage of a women's emotions. So, with LeBlanc, I tried not to show my emotional side.

I didn't show the side of me that was scared of something new, but also excited that I'm moving on and ready for a fresh start with a great guy. I didn't show that part of me that was happy when he sends text messages, or that he calls even if he's exhausted, to say "hi". And I didn't show that part of me that was crying on the drive home, after dropping him off at the airport.

I don't show him the part of me that's been hurt before, because I don't want him to see a part of me that was so angry, so hurt, but mostly, so vulnerable. I don't show when I'm nervous when I'm meeting his friends, his family, his colleagues.

But, I feel like I want to show him these part of me,now. Because I do care a lot for him. I think I love him, and I want him to love me back. I also want him to be emotionally available.

We haven't talked too much of our past. Only for a little bit when we first started dating. He knows that I dated my high school sweetheart through much of university, but no one seriously since then, including one of his classmates. His longest relationship was also in university, and was 6 months, but he said he hasn't had a serious relationship, yet.

Maybe it's time that I opened up my heart a bit more. I know there's no guarantee, but I feel like I am falling, and I want to be caught. And I want LeBlanc to catch me.

My Canada Day

Canada was yesterday - July 1st. So, yes, I got one day off and it was in the middle of the week. It was still pretty awesome. Better than awesome, I would argue.

Happy Canada Day!!!!

I slept in, and tidied up my apartment. Chatted with LeBlanc on GTalk, and then headed to my parent's house.

LeBlanc and I joke that everytime we go home, we are there to perform manual labour. Which is mostly true. Last weekend I went home, I washed and vaccumed both my car, and my dad's van. This time, I helped weed the flower beds, and mowed the lawn. Front and back.

Joking aside, I really enjoy this stuff. It makes me feel like I'm at home.

As my mom made dinner, I read my book at the front steps.

Back tracking a bit, I've had numerous talks with my girlfriends, and sisters about my dilemma. I guess, on hindsight, what I realize is 2 main things.

1) My parents don't want to see me get hurt.

2) My parents are realizing that myself (and my sisters) are grown up.

With this in mind, I wanted to take a new approach when bringing up this topic. It wasn't so much the trip. Or LeBlanc. Or the sex. It was me growing up. And I needed to be careful, to not hurt my parents. (You were right, Greears!)

I wanted them to know that they have raised me well. If I have kids one day, I only hope to be able to do as good a job of them. They have given my sisters and I so much. But at the same time, they raised us to think for ourselves. To not just accept, but question the world around us. And that's what I am doing. And although we may not see eye to eye on all subjects, I ask that we both still respect one another's decisions. And to trust me. Trust that they raised me well enough to make my own decisions.

After dinner, we had a talk. My dad, my mom, and I. And I'm so grateful and thankful, and lucky that we can communicate so freely. My parents have sure grown up a lot, and have also let us grow up a lot, as well.

My dad said that he has been struggling with thoughts, as to weather letting us to go to university with a work-study program was a good decisions. He feels like we're out in the world so much, that he's not really needed. Or we have become so independent that we don't need home, anymore.

My family is poor. We grew up with hand me down clothes from family friends. We never ate out at restaurants. If we went to McDonald's, it was with coupons. And I am proud of it. It has made me who I am today.

One of the biggest dilemma's my parents faced was how on earth they would ever afford a good education for their 3 girls. Post secondary school is very expensive, and they would never be able to afford that with their salary. Sure, we could borrow money from the government, but the idea of their kids coming out of school with so much debt was also a little scary for my parents.

When I went to a school with a work study program, I found a way to not only earn valuable work experience during my undergraduate degree, but also a way to pay for my own living expenses, as well. It seemed like a win-win situation. My parents were really happy with it, as well.

But I guess, the price of independence is high. Once you start making your own decisions, it's difficult to go back to other people making decisions for you. Almost impossible, I think.

My ideals, I believe are deeply rooted with my Chinese culture which I was brought up with by my parents. But there are also parts from growing up in a multicultural community, such as Toronto. I guess, I try to take the best of worlds, and meld them into something that works for me and makes me happy.

In the end, my parents just want to be included more in my life. They wanted to get to know LeBlanc more, so they don't feel like their daughter is going on a trip with a stranger. They want me to come home more often. To call, and just ask them how life in general is going. That's all. And I promised that I would do that, but they also need to know that I do want to spend time with friends, and weekends, are oh-so-short. But I will try harder to keep in touch.

(To be on the safe side, right when I got home, I ran upstairs and stashed my passport in my purse. hehe.)

The Generation and/ or Cultural Gap

My parents immigrated to Canada almost 30 years ago. My mom was born in Cambodia. Her family was fairly wealthy, but they fled the Khmer Rouge to Hong Kong in the 1960's. My dad was born in Vietnam. His family was poor, but they managed get my dad out of Vietnam to Hong Kong so he didn't have to serve in the Vietnam War. My sisters and I were born in Toronto, and have grown up here our entire lives.

When I think back, and realize how much opportunity my sisters and I have at a better life than my parents. And how hard they have worked to give us those opportunities, I am humbled and truly grateful.

But then there are times, when our views are different on certain subjects, and I feel that I may be hurting them by having a different opinion.

For instance, LeBlanc and I have been planning to take a vacation together. We're thinking of a relaxing stay in Europe (Normandy, France) or strolling along beaches, long walks, bicycle rides, wine, food, and lots of lounging around. Both our jobs are demanding, and we think it would be nice to just have nothing on the schedule, except "us."

I mention this to my parents, and they seemed to take it quite well. (Much to my surprise. So, I called LeBlanc and told him that I really should be giving my parents more credit.)

Then, I get a call from my mom the past Friday. She was very concerned about this trip of mine, she proceeded to dissuade me from going.

The thing is, I get very defensive when I feel someone else's goal is to change my mind. It's an automatic reaction for me, and unfortunately, my listening abilities drop by 50%. All I can hear is "You are wrong. I am right."

My mom was concerned that "something" might happen between LeBlanc and I if we are alone in room together. Since we would most likely be sharing a hotel room. Most likely with one bed.

Did I mention that I am 25 years old? I am.

Anyway, my mom tells me that she doesn't think this type of behaviour (premarital sex) is good. It's not a right path, or reason. It's lustful. If I marry someone, they may not like it. Etc., etc., Basically, it's wrong, and she doesn't think I should do it, and wants me to PROMISE not to.

She pushed a lot of buttons when she was trying to convince me.

1) She thinks I'm being casual by sleeping with someone before marriage.

2) She thinks I've had too many relationships (this is my second serious one)

3) She thinks that "little Chinese girls" are supposed to live at home until they are married, but since I work far, she "lets" me live on my own

4) She thinks my future husband will not accept or like the fact that I've been with othen men before him

It's funny. When we were little, we were told we couldn't or shouldn't do things because we should be getting good grades. In high school, it was so that we can get in a good university. In university, it was so that we could graduate and get a good job. And now that I've done that, the NEW GOAL is the good husband. (I see the trick, I've fallen for it my entire life!)

My mom is a very stubborn woman. And I do believe that children need to have strict rules when they are growing up, because they don't know the difference between right and wrong. However, I am an adult now. And I have been for some time. I've been making my own decisions, whether she realizes that or not, and it's no longer her say.

Last time when I wanted to go on vacation with Almond (I think it was 4 or 5 years ago), she basically had the same "calm" talk with me. She states her reasons, and then expects you to agree with them. I stated my reasons, too, and I told her that I still wanted to go, that I didn't agree with her on her reasons.

She. Freaked. Out. She got very, very angry. And she hit way below the belt. She pretty much dared me to go. To go against her will.

And I didn't. Almond didn't want to go anymore. Who wants to have that kind of an axe over their neck?!

And my biggest fear was that she was going to pull the same stunt this trip. I'm not expecting her to agree with me, or be encouraging of my trip. But, she should know that it's not her say, anymore.

I was very upset with the phonecall. I reminded her of what happened last time. And I asked her that if she pulled something like that, how am I supposed to respect her?

If we are both adults, we are both entitled to our own opinions and our own decisions. We may agree on some issues, and we will disagree on others, but she cannot force me to agree with her. She can't threaten me into agreeing with her. I lost a lot of faith, when she stooped to that level last time, and it hasn't been completely restored to this day.

If she really did want me to think about it. I will. But I might not change my mind. And if I don't. She has to respect that. She can't throw a fit, and threaten myself or LeBlanc.

I've been talking this over with my sisters, my friends, and LeBlanc (though LeBlanc doesn't know all the details of the past), and I guess I need to man up and have a conversation with my mom. Calmly. Even if it hurts her, that her daughter is a grown woman now. I'm not innocent and naive. And if I want to sleep with someone who is special to me, that is my decision, and my decision alone.

I know it exposes me to be hurt. And even though I hurt like hell, through the break up with Almond. I don't regret it. And in the end, I know I've become a better person. I stronger person. A smarter person. And a more forgiving person. I may not be young and naive, or "pure and innocent", but I'm a better person. And whoever my husband will be, he'll be someone is accepting of everything about me.

So, I've decided to head home on Canada Day and confront this (and grab my passport, as well). Wish me luck!!!

Do you currently face any generation or cultural gaps with your parents or elders???

Re-Decorating!!!

When I moved into my apartment, I tried to buy some furniture under the colour theme of black, white and a pop of red. I love bold colours with black and white. I think it looks so simple and classy.

So, one afternoon of lazing around, LeBlanc says to me:

LeBlanc: Des, I want to do something with my room.

me: Um hm. *Wheels start turning*

LeBlanc: Not sure what, though.

me: Hhmm. *Mental remake of room in progress*

LeBlanc: Any ideas?

me: Maybe you can paint the walls. Move that (hideous) shelf. Change you desk. Emphasize your beautiful bay windows.

LeBlanc: Hmmm. Good idea.

me: I've always wanted to decorate a room, after seeing so many epidsodes of Trading Spaces. Can I try decorating your room? It'll be like an experiment, and if it works, maybe I can do mine next! :)

LeBlanc: Yea, sure. I would be really supportive of that. That's awesome.

So, I've picked a colour palette to work with, and LeBlanc loves it. (I assured him I would not turn his room into a dollhouse.)

I don't want to do anything too drastic, I want to re-use most of his furniture. Maybe get rid of an extra shelf he has lying around. Add some nice drapery to emphasize the beauty of his bay windows overlooking his front patio, maybe put in some chairs there. I love simple floor to ceiling curtains on rods.

I like colour, so I was thinking of painting one wall blue (his favourite colour), and the ceiling and other walls an off white, paint his doors a dark chocolate colour. And add some softer lighting in. Get some new duvet covers and pillows and we're done.

I'm so excited. These are some pictures where I've been getting some inspiration.

I love the two coloured wall, and the hard wood floors. LeBlanc has really nice hardwood floors at his place.

I like that light. And those sticks.

I like the seating at the bay windows. Not sure if we want to put in that much work, he's only going to be there for a year, but maybe some chairs and cushions, instead. I was also thinking of painting the inner trim the same dark chocolate colour, and the outer trim to be a khaki colours, and the wall white.

That's it for now! I hope it will take us about two weekends to do this.

Do you like to re-decorate??? Any recent projects or future projects planned???

I Miss Him

LeBlanc is in London right now, 5 hours ahead.  Even though I spent the entire weekend with him (minus Saturday morning when I had to work, but he was sleeping, anyway), it didn't really hit me that he was leaving. 

It didn't hit me, when we cleaned up the kitchen.  (Mostly him, I hate cleaning other people's messes.  I would run downstairs and bring him the broom, so he can sweep, as I perched on a stool and point out spots he missed!  haha!)  

And it didn't hit me when he did his 3 loads of laundry.  Or when I helped him sort out his 3 loads of laundry and pack his bags.  Or when some of his friends came to hang out at his patio and he kept saying, "I don't want to go!"  Or when I drove him to his office to pick up dry cleaning.  Or when I drove him home to see his family for a little bit before his flight.  Or when his limo came to pick him up.  Or when he hugged me, and kissed my forehead, as his family was standing around us.

None of this really hit me.

It wasn't until after he left, and I started the drive home.  I stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas, turned the corner, and the radio played the song, "Music of my Heart" by NSync and Gloria Estetan.  And then, I started crying.  I haven't heard that song in ages, and it's not like we have a "song" or anything.  Maybe it was the lyrics.  I just felt like I would miss him.  A lot.  

I haven't missed someone like this in a while, and the feeling scares me a little.  It's a little overwhelming the reign he has on my emotions.  After Almond, I've kept my feelings guarded, but this feeling just happened.  

Would he miss me?  Is he sobbing pathetically while NSync is blasting from the radio?  

I miss him.  

Who do you miss right now???

I think I`m falling...

I know that I`ve kept my guard up with LeBlanc.  

But I think I`m really starting to fall for him.  It scares me, and it excites me at the same time.  That I can feel that way, again.  

It has been seeping it`s way into me these past few weeks.  It kinda hit me yesterday, when we were driving, and I was tense.  (I really hate driving downtown)  He reached over and it just relaxed me, then he told me I was doing a great job.  Then, afterwards when we went for dinner, and the way he looks at me.  The way he reached over the table and plays with my fingers.   

It`s really hard to for me to admit something like this.  I`m not sure why.  But I`m loving this feeling.  

What are the things that are hard for you to admit???

Norway... and some bad memories

LeBlanc might have his upcoming project in Norway.

He asked me on my thoughts about it, or as he put it, "Just wanted to run it by you, Des."  

I was excited and happy about it for him.  It's a project that he's really interested in, and something we both care about - sustainability.  I was also secretly happy he asked me, even though I wasn't going to say anything to stop him. 

Even though, I will miss him, I think this is a great opportunity.  I think I need to tell him that.  The "I miss him" part. 

LeBlanc was posted in Calgary when we started dating.  We would see each other once a week, and talk a couple of times a week on the phone.  I'm not a huge phone person, but I do like a quick chat to get a glimpse into his day, and I would want him to care about mine, too. 

When LeBlanc asked me what I thought, my first thought was back to this incident with Almond.

........................................................................................

He had really wanted to go on a trip with his friend to Japan for a few weeks.  On hindsight, I was selfish and I had apologized for it, but I realize three years later, that he probably never really forgave me.

Almond had asked me for my honest opinion, if I wanted him to go.  Being young, naive and selfish, I said, I wanted to go with him, and I thought that I would miss him too much if he went without me.  Silly, I know.  But at that moment, it felt like the end of the world if he left.  

Almond didn't go.  

After realizing my mistake, I apologized profusely.  I felt terrible.  I was supposed to be supportive, and instead, I was the opposite. 

Almond told me that it was ok.  That everything was fine.  That his parents probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.

Fast forward three years, we're sitting his car talking about his graduation plans.  He had been talking about moving to Cali for almost a month. Not once did he ask for my thoughts on it.

Almond:  I'm thinking of moving to California (Silicon Valley) to look for a job.  They have the best jobs in my field.  You can come down with me.  I'm sure they have jobs in your field there. 

...

Des:  You can't just assume that I will follow you.  You never even asked me my thoughts on it.

Almond:  Well, I already gave up my dreams for you, once.  I don't want to have to do it, again.

Des:  What's that supposed to mean?!

Almond:  Remember when I wanted to go to Japan, and you said that you didn't want me to go?  Going to Japan has been one of my life dreams, and I gave that up for you.  I don't want to have to give up everything for you.

Des:  What?!?!  How can you blame that on me?

Almond:  Well, you said you didn't want me to go, and I didn't.  But I'm not going to do it, again.

I remember my heart literally hurting.  I felt like I was slapped in the face.  I was sorry, and I had apologized right away after the incident 3 years ago, but Almond had assured me that he didn't have the money and his parent's probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.  On hind sight, I think he said that so I wouldn't feel bad at the time.  But I had no idea that he resented me for it.

I know that LeBlanc and Almond are very different, and one of the reasons that I'm drawn to LeBlanc is his straight up attitude.  But I don't want to be resented from someone I care about.  It really hurt.  What hurt the most was that when Almond resented me for so long for that Japan trip, and I had no clue.  I really thought that he had forgiven me.  

What's the most hurtful grudge that someone you cared about you has carried???

Reflections on The 100 Mile Diet: A Year of Local Eating by Alisa Smith and James McKinnon

This book was part of the bag of goodies from LeBlanc's birthday gift.  I had told him about aspiring to be more of a minimalist, and being more aware of my actions on the environment.  Plus, we both love food.  So it was a very thoughtful gift. :)  (I'm asking him to read it, too, so we can discuss it!)  

In a nutshell, this book documented the journey this couple took, to try to eat food that was from a 100-mile radius from their home in Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada.  It seems like a straight forward task, but a simple task it is not.  The narration of each chapter is alternated between Alisa and James.  We see how the diet impacts not only their eating habits, but their lives.

I learn that the average distance my food travels is 1,200 miles. (Then, I ran to my fridge and took a look at the sticker on my hot-house tomatoes.  It said "Mexico.")

One of the main themes that really made me reflect was the lack of connection that we have with the things we use everyday, including the food that we eat.  In losing that connection, we also lose a sense of our community.  We get our veggies, dairy, and meats at the grocery stores, but we don't see where it comes from before that.  

I, for one, did not even know where my tomatoes came from.  All I cared about was that it was less than $1.29/lb and they were red and firm.  

What about the farmers who grew them?  Are they compensated justly for their labour?  What about the fertilizers and pesticides used?  Were they picked when they were ripe, or or were they picked so they could ripen on the journey to my supermarket?  How much gas did it take to transport my tomatoes?  How does this impact our environment?  

If we were to take an inventory of all the food in our local supermarkets, how much of the food is local?  How much food is from another province?  Another country?  Another continent?

Is it necessary for our food to travel such long distances? Is it sustainable to the environmen?  Is it sustainable to the societies which support our consumption?  Is it healthy for us?

And the list of unanswered questions continue.  

I like this book because it is largely devoted to asking questions, and exploring different options.  It doesn't seek to judge or condemn our society, it just asks questions.  It also looks at how we have evolved, as a society, in the way which we get our food.  

In the past, when we used to live off our lands, we would grow our crops, and then preserve the surplus so that we can live off of it during the seasons we cannot yield any crops (i.e., winter for us in Canada.)  We don't do that anymore.  We can buy our favourite foods, year round at our local supermarkets.

One story that particularly touched me, was about the salmon in their local river.  Alisa and James had found a river where they could get salmon from, which was within their food radius.  Looking forward to heading back to the river, to get more salmon to preserve for the winter, they were devestated when a spillage of a toxic chemical killed all lifeforms in the river.  This meant there was no salmon for them this winter. 

This story touched me becuase I think we no longer feel this connection with our environment: that we depend on our environment to survive.  If I saw this on the news, I would think that it was sad news, but it would end there.  It doesn't affect me on a personal level.  But this book reminds us, that not too long ago, this kind of disaster would spell famine for all the people who lived in the village and depended on this salmon.  Disasters such as this, might not affect us on a personal level today, but it used to, and it still can.

What would our community be like if we had more connection with the things we eat, with the things we use?  Can you imagine buying your wheat from a farmer and knowing exactly how he grows it and processes it?  Or what about picking your own berries from a local farmer and eating it sweet and ripe, straight from the plant?  

In our fast paced world, it`s easy to get caught up in life, and we forget to enjoy the little things.  We forget to ask questions, and we assume that things are just the way they are.  

It`s also easy to forget that everything we use must come from somewhere, and sometimes, it`s important to know that whatever it is that we are using, we have a relationship with it.  And it has a relationship to the earth.  Maybe it`s time that we took a step back, and evaluate the decisions we are making, either consciously or unconsciously, and think about how they are affecting our lives, and our future.

What are your thoughts on local eating?  Do you think its important to know where your food comes from?  

Career: Practical or Dreamy?

Last night, I went out to dinner with my girl friends after a relaxing spa date. 

We used to all work for the same company about 2 years ago.  Two of them, as entry level engineers - just out of university, and I was on a student internship.  Of course, they had health benefits at that time, and I didn't.  Now that I am working full-time as well, we all go out for spa dates, together!

Last night, was one of our last spa dates.  :(

One of the girls found a job somewhere else (which did not include these benefits), and another one was going back to school!  

We got to talking about our careers, our relationship lives, etc.  

One of the girls was going back to school to persue another undergraduate degree - in psychology.  This took my by complete surprise, since it seems like a topic that is opposite to what she had studied and worked in.  Did I mention that she graduated from engineering?  

Anyhow, we were all first generation Canadians, with middle eastern, or Asian background.  It was little surprise that we would choose something that was practical to study, so that we can get a good job afterwards.  

I, of course, am no different.   Engineering was something that was practical to me.  Math and science were topics that I found interesting and easy to grasp.  So after 5 years, here I am.

Working in the field that I had wanted to be in.  And yet, I can't say I am completely satisfied.  Even though it's what I wanted to be in, it's not exactly what I picture or envisioned.  If that makes any sense.

Do I want to be walking parking structures for the rest of my life, and chasing leaks?  Writing specs?  Contract administration?  Methinks not.

However, on those bad days, I keep reminding myself that I need to take a step back, and look at the bigger picture.  Where I am right now is a great place to learn.  It's a wonderful place to start out.  I have a lot of great teachers, and mentors at my work place, who are all willing to give me a chance to learn.  I need to take a advantage of that.  And then take it from there. 

I keep reminding myself, that I won't get anything out of this experience if I don't put in all my effort to learn as much as I can.  Then, after that, I can decide where I want to go from there.

I guess that's the big picture.  Sometimes, it's hard to keep that in mind, when I'm doing the mundane tasks.  

I know nothing is written in stone.  But, if I had a chance to pick something else.  Something where I didn't have to worry about finding a job afterwards, I'm not sure if I would pick engineering.  Or maybe, I would take more electives in something else.

I think back to high school when I had to pick my university program.  How is a 18 year old supposed to know what she wants to do for the rest of her life?  And I was someone who researched and looked into my field?  My decision was based on a balance of what was practical and what I had interest in.  I wasn't able to take the leap to choose something that wasn't, in my eyes, practical.  

One of my cousins studied Fashion Designing, and spent two years.  Only to end up working odd jobs waitress-ing, and eventually ending up at her dad's company as an admin clerk.  That scares me.  I'm not sure if I could deal with that very well, if I were in her position.

Meh.  Just something that's on my mind.

Did you choose your career based on practicality or dreams???

Relationships: now vs before

My computer died almost a month ago, and I've been dilly dally-ing and taking my sweet time looking for a new one.  (Hence, the one I have now is AWESOME and I got it for a sweet price - $599.99 CND, baby!)  It's got the pattern below on the cover, but I can't seem to find the inside part with the same design along the bottom.

Nothing too crazy has been happnening in my life, and I did not want to bore you with the details of my new relationship.  Gushy over what a great guy he is.  I think it's more interesting to talk about the parts I'm uncertain about and mull over while I over analyze everything.  But, really, he is a great guy, and we've been having a lot of fun over the past little while.  AND he is even got a little romantic side, too.

Thanks to my readers (I'm sure there's only a couple of you out there) for checking back.  The funny thing was that I got comments on my bday, and even though you guys don't know it, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.  **Waves to Greears and Andy**  

Just a quick reminder.  Almond is my ex, whom I dated for almost 5 years from high school to third year in university.  LeBlanc is the guy I'm dating now :)

So, now that LeBlanc and I have been dating since November-ish and "officialized" it in February, when he told me that he was going to start referring to me as his girlfriend, we've had our share of misunderstandings and moments.  It's interesting to look back and reflect on how I look at this relationship, and how I look at how I deal with our mishaps.

Last night, one of my girlfriends and I were comparing the me's before and after.

When I first dated Almond back in high school, I had not gone out much (strict Asian parents, I tell you!).  Everything was new with Almond.  First walk home.  First hand holding.  First kiss.  First touch.  Much like in Twilight.

 

Then after Almond, I hadn't really been in a relationship for very long.  I had dated my share of guys.  None had made it to the "boyfriend" level, with the exception of Hagan Daaz.  Most of them were nice guys, a couple were jerks.  Such is the single life.  Le sigh.  

What I found was the nice guys seemed too nice.  Too proper.  That I felt like I should like them, but I didn't.  I wanted someone who would make me laugh, not be afraid to tease me, and someone who made me excited to be around.  I remember one really nice chap, would always ask me out to do things.  And he would really put a lot thought into where it was, whether it be out for dinner or a picnic, or a movie.  But it felt like he treated me like a piece of glass, afraid I would break.  I'm actually a very easy going person, and not too many things would offend me.  So I guess he was just nervous.

Anyhow, all I'm saying is that I haven't really had, what I refer to as, "transitional" relationships.  You know, high school relationship(s), university relationship(s), post secondary relationship(s).  I believe that since we are all at different times in our lives, we also veiw our relationships differently and treat them accordingly.

For instance, phone time.  I remember in high school, Almond and I would stay up all night talking.  It felt like whatever we had to say, we just needed to say, at that very moment.  I mean, what the hell did we talk about til 3, 4, 5 or a couple of times, 6 a.m., in the morning?!  Now I look back, and I can't remember / imagine what it was that we talked about.  

Now, I would much rather sleep.  Although, I like it when LeBlanc calls in the check how my day was or what I am up to (though he does not do this every night).  But when 11:00 p.m rolls around, I'm ready to say good night and hello to my beauty sleep :)

Another thing was my security in myself and my phsyical appearance.  See, I've never been one to really dress up, or be the girly girl type.  It was more out of necessity, than choice.  When I was little, I would wear the hand-me downs from my parents' friends' kids (who were all boys, might I add.)  Then, in middle and high school, I never had the money to buy all those fancy clothes because I knew I had to save to pay for university.  

So imagine my surprise and rush of adreneline when Almond told me he thought I was pretty.  And not just pretty, he thought I was the prettiest girl in the world (naive, I know).  The conversation probably went something like this:

Almond:  Des, I think you're so pretty.

Des: Really??  You think I'm pretty??  No one has ever told me that before.  

Des (in my head): Aside from my mom.

(Stomach does summer saults and has a grin that stretches the circumference of my face.)

Almond:  I think you're gorgeous.

Des melts.

Though I'm not the type to ask constantly, I remember thinking to myself:  Does he really think I'm pretty?  How pretty?  Prettier than her??

Le sigh.  Such is the insecure life of a teenager. 

Anyhow, with LeBlanc, I don't believe I've ever questioned it.  I just assumed that he thought I was pretty and attractive.  lol.  Seriosly, but not in a I-am-full-of-myself kind of way.  I just feel more comfortable in my body, and I have also learned to buy clothes that fit my body (hooray for having cash flow!  Engineering paid off!).  Besides, he must be with me for a reason (aside from my uber intelligence and awesome personality, of course).  

Though, he has told me on several occasions he thinks I am pretty hot, or pretty.  (Which I don't think are the same thing.  I would much rather be called pretty than "hot.")

And the list goes on.  

LeBlanc knows that I'm grouchy when I'm either sleepy or hungry.  I don't think Almond ever knew that.  I guess I wasn't afraid to let LeBlanc know or afraid that he wouldn't like me because of it.  Besides, it would take too much effort to mask those characteristics, and I am usually quite pleasant to be around.  Not to mention that LeBlanc is also not a morning person. 

With Almond, I felt like I had to know everything about his past.  But with LeBlanc, it's not that I don't want to know, I just don't know if that will really make a difference.  We did talk a bit about our past, and he knows about Almond.  I wanted to know if LeBlanc had any unresolved issues.  Aside from that, we talked about STD's, and other health issues.  

With Almond, I remember having to know if he was "the one."  The person I wanted to eventually marry, one day.  Or else, it might not be worth having a relationship with.  And maybe, because of that, I just convinced that he was "the one," and I didn't look at all the things that we did not have in common.  

For instance, the way we spend money, and the things that we spend it on.  Also, we had different views of our careers, and what we want it to mean.  Right now, I don't think that far ahead.  It's not to say, that it doesn't cross my mind with LeBlanc, it's just something that I'm not focused on.  I'm more focused on enjoying the present and just let the future happen without worrying over it, too much.

I remember I felt with Almond that I wanted to just be with him every moment.  And in doing so, I now realize that I neglectged a lot of my identity in the process.  I didn't take the time to discover myself and my interests during my in university (which is something I think everyone should be doing.)  I spent too much of doing homework and hanging out with Almond in my little spare time.  Though, most of them were great times, time apart to discover yourself is definitely something that I would advocate. 

It wasn't until after we broke up that I started to find activities to do to fill up my void of time.  I remember spending more time with family and friends.  Spending more time joining clubs and sports.  I went traveling and I went on exchange to Singapore (which was where I met LeBlanc, surprising, enough.)  In our time apart, as painful as it was sometimes, I learned that there was a whole other side of me that had nothing to do with Almond.  And that part was special, too. 

I felt like I had taken a while to discover my identity, again.  An identity that was just me.  Me, my family and my friends.  A big fear of mine, is that I would lose this identity if I get too absorbed in another guy.  I need my "me time" and time apart.  I no longer feel that I have to be perfectly in sync with my boyfriend.  We can have different interests, as well, as some common ones.  It's a balance, that I'm still juggling.  But I think that I'm doing a much better job of it now, then before.  

I also explained this to LeBlanc.  And he said that was one of the things that he liked about me :)  He would never want me to lose my identity, and if I didn't want to certain things with him, or want some alone time, I could let him know. 

Another part of me that's changed is how I view the guy.  I don't expect him to be perfect.  Actually, I know that LeBlanc and I are both far from perfect.  But I've also learned to compromise on things that are not as important to me, and pick my battles.  I've also learned that I'm not always right (just most of the time, though ;]).  I've also learned that even if I am right, I can still let the guy off the hook.  Story to follow.  

I think that's enough emotional thoughts for a Saturday morning!

I apologize for neglecting my blog, as of late.  Thanks for checking back, Andy and Greears :)  It's very encouraging, and I promise to stop by and do some catching up on your lives!  *hugs*