Friday, April 25, 2008
Chocolate Almond Croissant: Part I
My ex boyfriend.
I guess I should take this moment to back track a little and give a bit of background information on my past relationship.
I was in a 5 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I'm going to call him Almond (after the first dessert we shared, a Chocolate Almond Croissant from Michel's)
We met in high school. He was a year older and his locker was next to mine. We were in the same French and Finite class. I thought he was really cute. He was also smart. He answered most of the bonus questions in my Finite class. He was also a little shy, and he looked put together.
I went to a Catholic high school and most of the guys always have their dress shirts all wrinkly, untucked and wore their pants pretty much around their ankles. Almond's shirts would be ironed, and tucked into his dress pants (but not in a dorky way). He always wore a belt, and dress shoes.
Anyway, we started talking and hanging out a lot. I've never dated anyone before. I don't even think I had a guy like me and tell me before. It was all so new and it felt so good.
He was a real sweetheart. He'd always walk me home after school, even though he lived 5 minutes away and I lived a good 15 minutes away in the opposite direction. We'd just walk and talk. There was so much to talk about. He was a great listener and we shared a lot of interesting ideas.
He'd walk me home even in the winter. Winters are not so nice in Toronto. And this made it even sweeter. Though I did feel guilty on the cold days, and told him not to. In the spring and summer, we'd walk through the park and sit on the bench, or in the grass - just talking. I was really happy.
I remember when he first held my hand. We were sitting on the park bench near my house. Our usual stop. I remember his hand was so much bigger than mine. His nails were always trimmed. I rested my head on his shoulders, and he put his other arm around me. Still holding onto my other hand.
We just sat like that for a very long time. It's cliche to say, but I can still remember every moment as clear as day.
We confessed our feelings to each other. He told me he thought I was beautiful. No one had ever told me that before. Parents don't count. I told him I have no idea how to kiss someone, and was scared to mess it up. He said he didn't know either, but assured me he really wanted to kiss me. Then we kissed.
The kiss was basically us pursing out lips together for about 10 seconds. It felt like forever. lol. I guess I was expecting fire works or something to happen. But it was perfect. It was sweet. It was so simple. I could never forget that kiss.
Then he walked me the rest of the way home. With a couple more pecks here and there, since that's all we knew about kissing at that time. We were so giddy and so happy.
I remember one of the most thoughtful gifts I've received was a business suit from Almond on our second Christmas together. Yes, Almond bought me clothes. He was brave. He thought I could use it for my upcoming co-op interviews. He also said that he wanted to see me in it. Guys. :)
He took my sister, S. with him so she could act as a model. He didn't want to give away the surprise. He ended buying me a size 6 or 8. I was a size 0. lol. But it was so sweet. We just got it exchanged, and he liked it even more when it fit properly. I call it my lucky suit.
Fast forwarding a little. Almond and I had a beautiful relationship. He went off to university a year before me, but our relationship grew stronger. Talking on the phone, I still have the letter he sent me on his first week of school. He was out at movies with some new friends. And thought of me and missed me. When he was back in his dorm, he wrote me a letter when an email would have sufficed. I loved it.
I went up to visit him a few times, and met his new friends. They were all really nice, and I keep in touch with them to this day. Anyway, after I left, he told me his friend (who hadn't had a girl friend before) asked him, why he held my hand all the time. lol. He answered, "Because I like to."
Then I went off to university. We were both in engineering at the same nerd university, so we got to see each other during school and even lived together for a while.
For our work terms, we either went off to different places, or stayed in Toronto when there was no where cool that would hire us. He spent four months in Silicon Valley - Santa Clara, California and I spent four months in Boston, Massachusetts. He was very encouraging of me, and I tried to be also of him.
Long distance relationships are hard, but we pulled through. We both learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and about compromising.
Then, things started to not go well in Fall of 2006. He got really stressed with having to find a job after graduating, and I still think that is one of the main causes of our break up. It's hard to say.
He was really unhappy, and playing more and more video games. They were his escape from a bad day at work, or lack of responses from his job applications. I remembered I would go over on Friday nights, and fall asleep waiting for him to finish "this quest." WoW. You know what I'm talking about, guys.
I tried to be understanding, and I even tried to help. But his response to my suggestions, were often, "you don't understand." I guess I didn't.
I would get angry when he would break promises or plans because he had to finish his computer game quest. Again and again. I would get angry, then feel bad for getting angry because he was going through a tough time. It's a very vicious cycle.
One day not long after, I was just really upset. I called up my girlfriend, J. and confided in her. I was crying. Then Almond called. He could tell I was upset and wanted to come over. I said no, it's not a big deal. He came over anyway.
He asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to say, because it was him. It's not that I didn't tell him these things, I just didn't want to get mad at him, again. Then he asked me if he was making me unhappy.
That was a hard question. Lately he was making my unhappy, but he made me so happy before. I just thought we were going through a rough time. After we got through this hurdle, I was sure things would get better.
He didn't agree. He was silent for a while.
I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "About us." I asked him if he was thinking about breaking up. He didn't answer me. Silence can be a horrible thing. But it is an answer.
I started to cry. I buried my head in my pillow and hid under the covers. I told him to leave me alone.
He tried to hold me, and kept apologizing. He said he didn't want it to end this way. I kept pushing him away. Literally. I just wanted him to leave me alone. He said he wasn't leaving until I got up.
Somehow I got up. I don't even remember what I said or what he said. I just knew that when he was about to leave, I kept telling him not to go. Like he was walking out of my life. His last words were, "[Des] I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."
That was the worst day of my life. This is the first time in almost 2 years that I have the guts to write about it.