Monday, December 22, 2008

2 years...

That's pretty much how long it's been since I've last had sex. Actually, I'm not sure if last night counted. We had a little mal-function.

So there is a part of me that believes that Cinderella's god mother really existed, and that she and her prince lived happily ever after. And, as I grow older, I feel as though that part of me gets smaller and smaller. Things aren't simple any more and compromises are made. And sometimes, our minds live in the fairy tale land, but in the real world, we're making compromises more than we would like. I'm referring to my tough times with Almond.

For instance, I used to think that sex was something that was out of this world. It wasn't just sex, but it was making love. To the person that you love more than anything in this world.

To be honest with myself, most of the time, I just wanted to have sex with Almond because it felt good, not because I wanted to be taken to another galaxy or something. That's not to say that I didn't care about Almond.

Last night, I just wanted to get laid. LeBlanc and I have been having some heavy make out sessions, and it's crossed my mind a few times. I loved the feeling of his lips on my body. I hadn't wanted anyone to kiss me like that in a while.

I think a part of me, is starting to like what we have. As undefined, and random as it is. I was so afraid to have any expectation, because I feel that the consequences are two fold. 1) I might get dissappointed and more importantly, 2) There might be some expectation of me to feel a certain way, and I'm not sure if I can or am ready to feel that much, yet.

And yet, I am starting to have expectations. LeBlanc said that he would visit me this Friday. Unfortunately, there was a snow storm, and he couldn't make it. It wasn't his fault, and it would have been crazy to come up, but I couldn't help but feel a tinge sadness - wishing he was here. Then, I had wanted him to come up on the Saturday or Sunday. And, he did.

We watched a movie and ate my left overs. It was nice just snuggling on the couch and watching "Lars and the Real Girl."

After the movie, we made our way to my room.

Most of me is perfectly fine with what happened between us. Blame it on hormones, horniness, or just instincts. Another part of me is questioning myself, shouldn't he be your boyfriend to do stuff like that?

But I know that if we had established the whole "boyfriend / girlfriend" status, it wouldn't really make things easier. I would still have my baggage and fear of committing to something that might not feel right. LeBlanc would still be the carefree guy, and I would rather have a moment be just what it is, without having to justify it.

Though we did have some talking last night. That was the first time that LeBlanc and I talked about our past relationships, and thoughts. He told me that he's really nervous around me, partly because he was afraid he wasn't witty enough (yay! he appreciates my smart aleck remarks!).

He told me that he thought I was really rational and not too emotional, which he found kinda mysterious. (There may be some lines lost in translation since we were both on the brink of sleep and still mumbling about.) I told him that as cliche as it sounded, I was once a terribly emotionaly person. But after getting hurt, I learned to take care of myself more, and sometimes that meant that my emotions aren't seen. Sometimes, things are easier to deal with that way. But it didn't mean that I didn't have them.

Then he tells me that sometimes it's ok to let go.

Wow. This sounds like a really cliched conversation.

A part of me, is glad that I was able to be honest. With both myself and LeBlanc. I can't help but feel what I feel. At the same time, I can't help it if I'm not feeling something.


Andy said...

Des, you surprise me every time with your honesty.

I personally wouldn't force anything now. Leave things as they are now, and if they progress and you both are willing to make them progress, don't fear to take the next step.

Good luck and almost Merry Christmas!

Valley Girl said...

Two years? Holy lord. You must be cranky! When I go by for two weeks, I want to punch people in the face!

Des said...

Andy - I'm trying to be more honest with myself. Sometimes, I'm pleasantly surprised, and sometimes, I'm a little saddened by how I really feel, instead of how I feel I should feel. If that makes any sense.

Valley Girl - LOL. I guess after a while, I was used to it! But, it was catching up to me. Although, I keep hearing my mother's voice in my head, and it's a little scary.

So@24 said...

A pain I know all too well

Greears said...

When I was a pre-teen my father started telling me, "If you wouldn't do something with me in the room, you shouldn't be doing it!" Try getting that out of your mind! It even slips in now as an old married lady!

Well, it sounds as though you got yourself a nice little Christmas Gift! I'm with Valley Girl, 2 years suggests you have fantastic discipline and endurance! LOL

Happy Holidays, Alana

ps Studies indicate that sexual satisfaction the first time with a partner is far below 30%. It is what makes one night stands unfufilling.

Des said...

SO@24 - I know that I've said since I've gone without sex for so long. What's a little longer? I digress.

Happy Holidays, Alana! I hope all is well in Alaska, and your family is doing well :). Fantastic discipline and endurance.... lol! I haven't really thought about it that way. I still hear my mom's voice... :P