Poor Sucker

I went to a very technologically savvy school. In other words, I went to a super geeky nerd school where a high volume of my fellow classmates are socially disfunctional.

During my single two years of being single between dating Almond and LeBlanc, I have had my fair share of awkward encounters with socially disfunctional guys. Such is the life of a (female) engineering student.

But this weekend topped it off the stereotypical socially awkward engineer.

Background:

I know A. from one of my co-op terms. He is two years older than me and we used randomly bump into each other at school maybe once a school term. We would have some small chat, and that was it.

I have been out of school for almost 2 years, and him almost 4.

One of the girls, L, at work was in the same graduating class as him. He finds this out and suggests that we all go out for dinner to meet up and catch up. L and I see no harm and we go out for dinner.

That was about a month or two ago, and I haven't thought much of it since. Then out of nowhere, I get this in my inbox yesterday. Bam!

From: A

To: Des
Subject: A favour

December 12 at 10:30am

Hi Des,

I hope all is well with you. Are you looking forward to the holidays?

I am wondering if you could do me a favour. I am interested in your friend from your civil class, Jane*. I have met her a few times when I have spoken to a mutual friend (such as yourself). I often saw her with you, whenever I would run into you. She might recognize my face, but she might not know my name. Do you know what her relationship status is? Any idea if she might be interested in me? Sorry for throwing this at you. I would like to contact her but I don't want to shock her or come across as a creep. This would mean a lot :)

Let me know what you think.

Cheers,

A

From: Des

To: A
Subject: Re: A favour

December 13 at 6:19pm

Jane has a boyfriend.

From: A

To: Des
Subject: Re: A favour

December 13 at 8:01pm

Thanks for replying.

My first thought, "WTF is wrong with this guy?! And why did he reply back to a rhetorical email?!"

Awkward. Awkward. Awk. Ward.

I don't know this guy very well AT ALL.

The last time he saw my friend was probably THREE years ago.

This e-mail screams "creepy," and saying "I don't want to come across as a creep" doesn't make it any less creepy.

Why would you think this was a good idea?! What could be the best case scenario?

The sad thing is is that A probably spent a really long time mustering the guts to decide to make a move. Then, another chunk of time composing this email. Reading and re-reading. Writing and re-writing it to make it not come across as "creepy." Very ironic.

Conclusion: A part of me feels bad for this guy, another part of me feels that he should have known better. Poor sucker.

*Note: Jane is not her real name.

Disclaimer: This story is based on my experience and my observations as a female engineer in a dominantly male field. I am generalizing based on my experience. There is a bit of tongue and cheek, and this is not meant to offend any male engineers who are not socially awkward. (Besides, if you weren't, there would be no need for this disclaimer in the first place, right?)

;)

Any thoughts on this matter?? How would have you responded to A if you were in my position?? Is it just engineering males??

One Step at at Time

I've always been someone who likes to have a plan, to know where I'm going, and where I am at the moment. I guess, one thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be that person all the time, because, frankly, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going and where I want to end up.

I just know one thing. The most important thing to me is to be happy. To be content. To be able to spend time with the people I care about. To do the things that I want to do. To be able to find satisfaction in my work.

I used to think of myself as someone who had "it" together. To be honest, I used to imagine myself as one of those people who find their true love in high school, and then get married after college and live happily ever after. And when you see yourself like that for a while, it's hard to convince yourself that, "No, you didn't 'fail'. It just didn't work out." As silly as that might sound to you.

I guess in my relatively short time of dating, I feel as though I've learned more about what I don't want than what I want.

I don't want someone who is arrogant. Biggest turn off. Ever. I was in Singapore and one of my classmates asked me out for dinner and a movie. "Wahoo!" I thought, "My first date in a foreign country." After the movie, we went out for dinner and he spent 95% of that time telling me about how great he was, and all the important people who he knew. Yawn.

I also realize that I can be with the nicest guy in the world, and there would be no chemistry whatsoever. I had no urge to kiss them, and thought of what I would do, should they try to lean in for a kiss. Which also brings the question, why do girls not like nice guys? Is it really because they make it too easy or show all their cards? I don't know. I really wanted to like a nice guy, though.

I realize that education and career goals do matter to me. Even though I'm not attracted to a work-a-holic, I have a lot more respect for someone who has career goals, or life goals. Someone who tells how great it is that they are watching episodes of House at work, doesn't float well with me. (Haagan Daz)

I also learned that I could really like a guy because he's smart, attractive, fun and still have this teeny tiny bit of hope, even when he turns out to be a jerk. Why?! I don't know. (Don't worry, that phase has passed.)

With LeBlanc right now, I have no plan. I don't know where we're going. Where we are, though, is good for me right now. We're dating. We see each other about once a week. I get massages, and flowers :) I like this testing period.

Last week, I went over and he cooked me dinner. Shepherd's pie :) And the weekend before I made him dumplings (frozen ones).

I like this part of dating, I feel like I'm testing him out (for lack of a better term), and I haven't really found anything that I don't like.

Neither of us are big phone people, though we do talk about once a week. I wonder if that's a no-no. I remember I used to talk to Almond for hours on the phone. Every relationship is different, and I'm trying to just do what I feel comfortable with, instead of over analyzing and over thinking everything. Have I turned into a non-phone person?

I know that I don't feel like I'm crazy about him - in that way where I can't think of anything else. That's not to say that I don't think about him (quite a bit more now, actually), and I look forward to seeing him. But... is this how things start? Am I taking baby steps?

Call me crazy, but a part of me is thinking that I might find something that I won't like, or he might find me utterly boring, and it will be "the end". Yea, I am quite the optimist, aren't I?

It is what it is...

I'm sitting here watching the latest episode of Ugly Betty, and sometimes, she reminds me so much of myself. The part of her that's responsible and serious. Sometimes, I think that I'm just too serious and responsible.

I know it's cliche, but I guess a part of me if going through some kind of quarter life crisis. Maybe crisis is a bit of a strong word. I guess I've been working full time for about 6 months. I feel like I don't really know anything. That my time is being billed to projects that I really don't know that much about. I guess I need to learn to ask for help more.

I come home and I'm tired, and most of the time, I don't feel like doing much. In fact, I'm so afraid that I'm just going to be coming home, eating and sleeping. Gah!! That's why I need to keep doing sports -- but my last soccer game is next Wednesday, and that's it. Until next season starts in January.

I understand why people gain weight so easily. It didn't really happen to me in university, and I don't want it to happen to me now. That should be motivation enough to get out and do things. And yet, it's so easy to stay in.

A part of me is questioning -- is this it?!

Sometimes I feel like I know what I don't want, and don't really know what I want. I feel like I had done all the right things. I've always acted smart and responsibly, and now I'm wondering where it got me. I never did drugs, never even smoked a cigarette, always got good grades, finished at the top of my class in high school, had a boyfriend who was a good guy, finished my degree in engineering, traveled in my undergrad to places I never knew existed, have a good job.

Now what?

Should there be more? Or should I be happier? I feel like I am in such a great place in my life right now, but I don't really know how to enjoy it. I feel like it should feel different. And I really feel scared. And confused.

It's like I always knew what the next step was. After high school, it was university. After university it was work. And now that I'm here, I'm not sure if this is really where I want to be for the rest of my life. Which is the really scary part. I think that I can be happy right now, but I'm kinda worried about being happy forever here.

Which I guess, is silly. Now that I'm writing it out.

I think that a part of me is exploring that part with LeBlanc. The "before" Des does not do stuff like have slumber parties with guys that I just started seeing. That Des does not allow him to touch me. That Des usually plays it safe until she eventually gets bored cuz there is no excitement. Or maybe it's just cuz I haven't met someone who excites me, yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about LeBlanc. A part of me likes parts of him. Who can really complain when he's such a great kisser? Another part of me likes our random talks walking back from the movies or from dinner. Another part of me is drawn to his care-free persona because that means that I don't have to feel like I'm tied down, or that I have to have things figured out.

A part of me is scared that I might start expecting more or want this to go farther than what it is now. LeBlanc is not exactly Mr. Commitment. And even though, I can't call myself Ms. Commitment.

I just don't want to be disappointed.

A part of me feels like I'm being the carefree, careless person that I wasn't when I was in high school or university. When I think about it (which isn't really too hard for me to do), I question what kind of a message I am sending him.

It's probably not a really good one. But then, LeBlanc is one of the least judgmental people I know. I hope he hasn't judged me too much.

He asked me to go to his work Christmas party next week.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, still. But I think I'm ok with that for now. Defining something doesn't change how I do or don't feel about a situation. I think I'm just going to go with it for now. At least, try to, anyway.

me: So. I'm not sure exactly what we are or not, and that's why I'm confused. I usually like to have things clearly defined. And I believe that is not us.

LeBlanc: Would you prefer to define this?

me: Um... I'm not sure if that makes it easier or if that helps. I like how things are now. I don't like to have expectations because it just makes things complicated.

LeBlanc: What sort of expectations would you have?

me: I don't know. I like hanging out with you. Believe it or not, I don't usually have slumber parties at my guy friends' houses. I'm kinda confused at my actions.

LeBlanc: Well, we aren't exactly just friends.

me: I know. I don't know what we are. I like hanging out with you, and I like certain aspects of you. But I don't want to ruin it by having expectations.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations would you have?

me: I'm not sure. Would this be a regular occurrence? This once a week thing. Phone calls. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can talk to you on the phone, you talk so slow. You might put me to sleep, or I might bore you.

LeBlanc: I think I like this once a week thing. I would like to continue it. The phone. I can do phone calls. I would let you know if you were boring me.

me: Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that.

LeBlanc: What I meant was that I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. I would let you know.

me: Oh.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations did you have of me before?

me: Honestly?

LeBlanc: Yes.

me: Ok. Don't take this the wrong way. They weren't very high. I kinda have this expectation for you. You -- in the general sense. General sense, meaning, like my guy friends. And half the times, they don't keep their plans. It's just too much work to get angry when they cancel, that I just don't expect them really keep them. I know they don't mean to disappoint, and I don't like to get mad. So it's kinda a win-win situation.

LeBlanc: So you had some low expectations of me?

me: Not you per se. You in the general sense. Please don't take it the wrong way.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations do you have of me now?

me: I'm not sure.

I don't think we figured much out that talk. I told him what was on my mind, and I'm glad that we talked about it. I don't really like to have things weigh on me, and it helped me realize a couple of things. One of them being that I can talk to LeBlanc and he's a pretty good listener to my mumble jumble.

Things seem to be a bit awkward the next morning. He doesn't hold my hand, and then, I'm not so sure that this really is going anywhere. Or if it can.

The subway was a short ride. At his stop, we part ways.

me: So. Are you going to tell me what to expect? I don't like surprises.

LeBlanc: I.... I think that we're going to be ok, Des.

me: Huh?! What's that mean?

LeBlanc: I think that it's ok to have higher expectations.

Then he kissed me goodbye.

So, I'm supposed to let him know about his Christmas dinner next weekend. He's staying in Calgary this weekend, and I'm heading out to Ottawa to visit my sister.

LeBlanc: Do you want to come with me to my work's Christmas party?

me: Ummm. Isn't it a 60's theme? I don't have an afro.

LeBlanc: That's ok.

me: I think I'm supposed to go home. Can I let you know later?

LeBlanc: Sure.

me: So, I'm going to recycle a line that you used.

LeBlanc: What's that?

me: 'So, I didn't make you feel so awkward that you never want to see me, again?'

LeBlanc: I said that?!

me: Yep.

LeBlanc: And what was your response.

me: I think I said, "okay..."

LeBlanc: That's a good answer.

me: Good night.

I'm not sure why I like to re-write parts of our conversations. Maybe I just like reading them :)

I think I'm okay.

Do I Have to Know How I Feel?

LeBlanc and I went out. It was a really nice steak house. Quite fancy and romantic, actually. Which is not how LeBlanc is (from what I know of him).

LeBlanc: So I didn't make you feel so awkward that you don't ever want to see me, again?

me: I guess not. Anyway, I owe you dinner. I got this one.

LeBlanc: No, no. I got this one.

me: You got it last time. I got this one.

LeBlanc: Trust me. You will change your mind once you see the menu. I'll make a deal with you. I'll get this one, but you'll have to go out with me, again.

me: That's not fair!

I look at the menu.

me: OK. You can get this one.

LeBlanc: I've been plotting to get you to go out for dinner with me here ever since I came here with work. Now, my plot has succeeded.

me: Why didn't you just ask if I wanted to for steak the first time?

LeBlanc: Because you wanted Indian food. Trust me, this steak is really good. Probably one of the best steaks I've had in my life.

Dinner was good. I think LeBlanc has having a steak-gasm.

I was heading up to Waterloo to visit my sister last weekend. There was a bus that left at 9:30pm and one that left at 11:30pm. I told LeBlanc my first bus time.

After dinner we went and sat in the lobby. We were both full and tired.

I'm not sure if it's the buzz from the wine. Or maybe something else.

We got to talking. He started playing with my hand and holding my hand.

me: I actually have another bus at 11:30pm that I can take. But you'll have to entertain me until then.

LeBlanc: I can do that.

...............

A couple things have happened in between. I'm not sure what it is that's going on. Which confuses me. I like to have things clearly defined. And this is clearly not defined.

What I know.

I liked kissing him.

To be continued.....

It's Party Time!

That's right, ladies and gents. I am hosting a party at my apartment this Saturday. Woot woot! :)

I've never done this before. It's just my housewarming party that I invited a few people to. My circle of friends is small, but I figured why not mix in the people I play sports with my friends from university and some from work. Maybe throwing parties is part of growing up (?). Who knows. I am kinda excited.

I went to Black's today to print up a couple of pictures I am decorating my bare walls with. I love photo's. I don't think I appreciate paintings quite as much. I wish I had a better eye for photography. I should actually sort my pictures instead of just taking a million of them and uploading them to my computer.

Anyway, I also got some booze. A bottle of white wine, red wine, and some Absolute Peach Vodka. Yumm. Might need to get a game or two. It will be a potluck, so food is taken care of. I just bought some chips and juices to mix drinks with. Man, the party planning takes work!

This is should be fun. Now I need to come up with a cool playlist. Can't have people listening to my Celine Dion and Sarah McLachlan collection, now can we?

I have a date tomorrow night with the Nurse. We've gone out a few times and though I don't sense any chemistry, I like hanging out with him, so I'll just go with that. We're going rock climbing. Should be fun. I get to stare at his ass when he's up at the top, and he gets to stare at mine. It's a win-win situation ;)

Now to clean up! I have these 2 songs on repeat as I clean. Enjoy!

Boy Friends

My two closest girl friends, are - well, girls. But, most of my friends are guys. Sometimes, I feel like it's just easier to have guy friends. No doubt, there was an abundance of them when I was studying engineering in university.

I know boys are strange creatures, and I still have no clue how they function. I really am probably the biggest dunce when it comes to knowing if someone is showing interest in me, or not. The guy probably has to write it out in permanent markers, capital letters, with some flashing neon lights, before I know even ask my friends, "So, you think he kinda likes me?"

Where my friends would reply in chorus, "No shit, Shirlock."

Maybe it's because I was never used to getting attention throughout elementary school or most of high school. I guess I don't like to assume things, because I'm afraid that I would be disappointed, somehow. I don't even really get my hopes up.

I even have trouble figuring out if I really like a guy or not. Or is it that I just find him a really nice guy who I am attracted to. Is this weird? Or I feel like I should like someone because they are just the sweetest guy. And I don't.

People my age are getting married. Having kids. And not that I want to be in that boat. I don't even want to dive into a relationship. I just would like to have more of a clue of my taste. What kind of guy I would like.

I find that I like hanging out with the guys. I like it when I feel they are being extra nice, or paying more attention to me. I like just joking around and teasing them. But, after that, I don't know what I want.

I know that a part of me is also afraid of ending up like my parents. I know they love each other, but sometimes I question it. When they fight. When they fight often, over silly things.

I feel like, in building our family, they lost themselves. They come home from work, and cook, and take care of us (when we were little), and now that they don't have that, it's like they don't know what to do. It's like they stayed together for my sisters and I, mainly.

They put up with each other in-laws, they kept things inside when they should have talked about it, for the duration of their 30-year marriage. Now I wonder if they can ever even talk about it. Does there come a point when you keep so many things pent up that it's too much to go through? I don't ever want to be in that situation. It scares the hell out of me. I would rather be alone, then lonely in a relationship.

My Christmas Ball Date

So, yesterday, I'm out with my friends heading out to our volleyball game. I used to work with a bunch of them from my previous co-op term, and we still play sports together. Volleyball and soccer.

At my old work place, the Christmas party was less formal. People dressed up -- but not too much. No evening gowns. Maybe a sparkly shirt or something. The best part was, it was just for the people at the company. No guests.

For a single gal, like me, this is awesome! Nothing to worry about.

At my new company, we have this fancy Christmas ball. Yes, that's right. A ball.

I like to dress up. I like free delicious food. I don't like it when I don't have a date. So here was my dilemma. My two close guy friends from university had moved away. To the other side of the country. And I don't want to make anyone feel obligated or feel sorry for me and accompany me.

So I asked my sister. Turns out she has exams to study for. Drats.

So, I was telling my friend, N. about it. Kinda complaining to her that I had no date to this fancy ball, and it sucked. Then, one of the guys walking ahead overheard, and volunteered to be my date. Let's call him, Sporty.

Sporty turns around, and puts his arms around my shoulders.

Sporty: Don't worry, Des. I can be your date.

me: Huh? Really?

Sporty: Yes. I've always wanted to go to a fancy ball.

me: Ummm. Sure.

Then, somehow the topic was changed.

I wasn't sure if Sporty really meant it. So after our volleyball game, I asked him if he was serious.

me: So, you're serious about the ball?

Sporty: Of course, I am.

me: So, you're free on the 29th of November?

Sporty: I will make it free.

me: Great. That's awesome!

Sporty: So what colour is your dress?

me: Umm. Not sure yet. What colours are your shirts?

Sporty: I can always get a tie or another shirt to match your dress.

my internal monologue: For real!? Yes!!

So, Sporty and I play soccer and volleyball together. I think he's cute. I don't really know him that well. We hang out cuz we're in the same group of friends and he works with my friends. I know I shouldn't make it more than it is, which is that he's just coming with as a friend. But, I just can't help how I feel, and it is a little jittery and happy.

So today, there were a few emails going back and forth about entree choices and what I would like him to wear. I told him I had a total of about 3 dresses that I had in mind. Two were the Hong Kong style dresses, and one was an Ao Dai (Vietnamese styled pants suit). He said he really liked the Asian styled dresses, they are "refreshing."

Sporty: Would you like me to wear a dark shirt with a light tie? Or a white shirt and coloured tie?

me: The latter.

I offered to help him out with shopping for the tie, if need be. I said that my engineering guy friends usually didn't like shopping, and I didn't want to be too much trouble.

Sporty: I would for sure love some help picking out the tie. I find a female's touch is almost always needed. I am in computer science so I should hate shopping even more since I am a big computer nerd.

Is this flirty? Or no? I'm just going to assume the latter, and enjoy my date.

To recap: I have a date for the Christmas ball. And he's nice. And cute. Tall. And he's going to match me! I'm in a better mood from this weekend, already. And that is why I need to get out more.

A Confession

Below is a confession that I haven't told anyone yet. Not the entire story, anyway. I feel a bit embarrassed, and a little ashamed about it. I also feel a little surprised I did it, and in a weird way, empowered.

When my friend and I stopped in Berlin during our grad trip, we stayed at a hostel. We were usually really sleepy and tired, and went to bed early and got up late. Our room was shared with about 8 other strangers. A few Mexicans, a couple Russians, a Croatian (that's all that I can recall).

One night, we decided to take our new friends up on their offer, and we head out to a bar together -- my friend and I, the Croatian and the Russian.

The Croatian is drunk, and his Russian friend is very quiet. Both cute. The Croatian reminded me of the new James Bond, just younger and not as built. I'm not sure who the Russian reminded me of. He was a little short, but he liked to dance -- which is something that I always like. So we dance in the bar to the 80's karaoke mix of love songs and such. It was fun.

After a few drinks, we are all a little more happy than we were before. We head back to our hostel. A little weird that we're all crashing in the same room, but that's what traveling is about right? New experiences.

I wash off my make up, change into my PJ's and climb into the top bunk, ready to pass out.

Russian asks me if I want to sleep with him -- in his broken English and mix of hand signals.

Russian: Can I sleep with you?

me: Huh??

Russian: Just sleeping. Only sleeping. Can I join you?

me: NO!

Internal monologue: How drunk does this guy think I am? And in a roomful of people?? Is this how they roll in Russia?

Russian: Just sleeping. No touching. No sex.

I ponder this for a second and a stream of thoughts kinda hit me. Mainly my loneliness for the past year. How it's been so long since I had been close with a guy. To have him hold me. Kiss me. Touch me. It would be nice to be held. Besides, he can't really try anything in a room of 10 people. Not to mention that Croatian had already made himself at home in my friend's bed.

me: No sex. Just sleeping.

Russian nods.

Russian: No sex. I'll be good.

me: OK.

Russian is very happy and then goes to take a shower. He comes back and climbs into bed. I have to admit, it felt really nice to be held. To be caressed. To be kissed. I liked the smell of him cleaned up. I even liked the hint of smoke and liquor when we kissed. But he was a good boy, and we did just go to sleep after a bit.

I didn't end up sleeping much. A part of me questioned what I was doing. A part of me just felt really lonely. A part of me realized that sex means something to me. Even a kiss means something to me. A part of me wished that they didn't. A part of me was glad they did.

Excitement is OVER.

You know when you first meet someone, or when you meet the right someone. You're in what I like to call " La La Land." Sometimes its for a short amount of time, and others, it's for a longer amount of time.

When I was with Almond, it was for a long time. My friends thought that I didn't even notice other hot guys. Which I did. But it just didn't matter. When I liked "Gelato" (more on him later), I was in La La Land, too. But with Haagan Daz, I'm afraid it has died. And it's been less than 3 months.

Now, I know that it's not supposed to feel the way it felt when I was with Almond. A naive, high school giddy girl. Now it's different. I know what it's like to be hurt and I am more protective of my heart. But I believe I am still supposed to be in La La Land.

I guess I just got over the initial excitment with Haagan Daz and when I got to know more of him, he just didn't seem that attractive a person.

A couple things triggered this. Partly because I was on PMS. Partly because I'm seeing his true colours that I might have not noticed when I was too busy being excited.

Last weekend, I stayed with my parents on Sunday night because it would've been too late to take public transportation to my apartment. So I had to make the 2hr commute (gross!) to work on Monday instead of my usual (15 - 30 minutes). Since I told Haagan Daz, I would give him a call, I did.

me: So, I figured that I'll just stay over at my parents' place. It's late.

H.G.: Oh, really? Well, I could've come and picked you up at the subway and drove you home. I don't have to get up early.

me: Oh, really? [thinks about it] No, that would be pretty far for you to drive. I'm just going to stay here, but thanks for offering.

H.G.: Oh. Well. I wasn't really going to drive you. I just figured I'd offer. It is pretty far.

me: Oh. Okay.

my internal monologue: So, why exactly is he telling me this? Awkward.

Same thing happened on Friday when I was working downtown and we were getting together afterwards.

Why does he tell me that he didn't really mean the offer? Like he has to make that clear to me, or something.

We talked on the phone a couple times during the week. I got bored. Caught myself reading, "Bitter is the New Black" by Jen Lancaster. Then put it down. Then nearly fell asleep hearing him talk.

Then, I noticed things that just bugged me.

Like how he answers the phone with , "Yeeeeeeeellllowww."

I asked him about that later. He told me he gets it from Homer Simpson. Nice.

Then on Friday, I just noticed that we don't have that much in common. We don't have the same sense of humour. Stuff that he finds funny, I just find awkward.

For instance, we're cooking tacos. He's browning the ground beef. Then he starts "mooo-ing". Like a cow.

After the first mooo,

me: So, you're moo-ing like a cow.

H.G.: Moooooo. [again]

After the first moo, he moo's again. For added effect, I suppose. Does anyone find that funny? I just thought it was him trying to be funny, but it was just awkward. Or was it just PMS?

Now, the last bit.

Haagan Daz has an anxiety disorder, where he gets really really nervous when meeting new people. He feels sick, literally. He told me about it, and I did appreciate his honesty. But then he talks about it. A lot.

We were supposed to go up for a Dragonboat festival on Saturday, and he was going to meet my friends. I wanted to see my friends' inputs and see how he interacted with other people. Needless to say, he was really nervous. Then, he told me this. Which, I just thought was disgusting. Disgusting. Not funny. At all.

H.G.: I get really nervous, and I don't want to throw up all over your friends. Like, this. [pretend handshake with the air] Hi, I'm Haagan Daz and its nice to meet you BLUUUURRRRRPPP [makes a throw up noise and accompany gestures]

I cringe.

He continues.

H.G.: And hi, so-and-so. I'm BLLLLLLUUUURRRRRPPPPPPP. [throw up noise and gestures]

Honestly. Excitement is over. So. Over.

Me and Dating

You know those couples that have been together for god-knows-how-long. They met in high school and have been together ever since. Other people just envy them and the love they share.

I was one of those couples. Until I wasn't.

Now, for the past almost-two years, I have been navigating the dating world as a single gal. I've gone on my share of first dates, and then some. Some awkward. Some fun. Most of them were with genuinely nice guys. A couple with some jerks.

As a single girl who had her heart broken, the thing I was most afraid of was not being able to feel that way, again. The butterflies. The excitement. Being able to trust someone, again.

Rationally speaking, I will find someone. I am intelligent, kind, witty, out going, physically active -- I'm no model, but I think I'm fairly attractive.

But in the time that I have been alone, I think I have been working on the relationship that I had been neglecting while I was in a relationship with Almond. The relationship with me. When you've been together with someone for so long, there is no doubt that you don't always put your needs, first.

For the past almost-two years, I came first. It was a good feeling. I was able to grow as an individual, instead of as part of a couple. I was able to learn lessons of love. Lessons of forgiveness. Lessons of moving on.

I always thought that I would be the type of girlfriend who could maintain ties to their exes. I thought that to be able to spend such a significant amount of time with someone and share so much with that person, you would want them in your life. I was wrong.

I didn't know how much hurt that person could cause. Even though I have forgiven him, I think that's all I can do. Being friends would be asking too much of myself. I know my limits, and I am just protecting myself.

Besides, would Almond be worth explaining to my new boyfriend for someone to accept? I'm not so sure. When he wanted my friendship, part of it was to see if it would lead "anywhere." I guess that's the part that I'm skeptical about. He didn't respect me enough to be honest about his intent of a "friendship."

I know who my friends are. And, unfortunately, he is no longer one of them. He will always be an important part of me. But he is in past now.

I'll save the post for my disasters of first dates for another time. Oh lordy, there were some really awkward ones.

For now, I'll just say that I'm a little excited about someone. Someone who brings a silly grin to my face when I think of them. Someone whom I can spend hours talking on the phone with about nothing in particular. Someone who I can tease and they can keep up with their own smart remarks. Someone who I look forward to seeing sometime this week.

You can't cheat your first kiss

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something.
You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head.
So that when your lips finally touch, you feel it everywhere.
A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.
You can't cheat your first kiss, Nicole.
Trust me, you don't want to.
Because when you find that right person, a first kiss, is everything.

One of my favourite quotes from Grey's. Alex Karev can have his moments. This is one of them.

I can recall every moment of my first kiss. Sigh. That'll be another post.