Organization!

So, I've been trying to make some changes in my life.

I think I've gotten over the initial hump of "oh-my-god-I-am-no-longer-in-school-even-though-I-have-been-for-the-last-seventeen-years-of-my-life" crisis. Yay, me :)

I have gotten to the point that I am not that overwhelmed with my life. I have great sisters whom are my best friends and can talk about anything to. I have a great job right out of university as a consulting engineer. I am really liking dating a really great guy. I am on good terms with my parents. I have great friends, keep in touch even if we're far apart, and see my close ones as often as I can. AND I just paid off all my student loans.

Life is good, and I'm enjoying.

I think I was initially overwhelmed with everything because I felt like I had to know everything. Where I will be in 10 years from now. Even 5 years from now. From everything in terms of career, investments, house, car, boyfriend/significant other, etc etc.

Now, I know, and have convinced myself that that is silly. People are constantly changing. I am constantly changing, and to think that I can see into the future is silly. And also impossible.

So, instead of worrying about the future, I am just going to enjoy the present, and set some short term goals for myself.

A couple of areas of development, I am looking to improve are how I look at my finances and taking care of my body.

Not that I spend frivolously or eat very poorly. I think that is next to impossible with the way I was brought up (the Asian cheap genes). But I would like to know more about finances, track them and see where my money is going. Then, I can see if I am really spending my money where I want to be. I want to learn about investing, and do some of it myself. I would also like a place to record my journey along this path

I have a passion for food, and think it might be a good idea to have a place where I can record my cooking and eating woes (and triumphs). I usually only cook about twice a week, since I'm living on my own.

And even though, I can do all that on one blog. I would like to experiment with having 3 blogs. One dedicated to my weekly journal of my personal thoughts of my life (that's this one). One that is similar to a personal finance blog. And one more for my recipes and adventures dining out.

I like to have things organized into categories, and I'm actually really excited to get started on this little project of mine. I will post the links when I get them up and running :)

Wish me luck, and feel free to check them out!

Boy Friends

My two closest girl friends, are - well, girls. But, most of my friends are guys. Sometimes, I feel like it's just easier to have guy friends. No doubt, there was an abundance of them when I was studying engineering in university.

I know boys are strange creatures, and I still have no clue how they function. I really am probably the biggest dunce when it comes to knowing if someone is showing interest in me, or not. The guy probably has to write it out in permanent markers, capital letters, with some flashing neon lights, before I know even ask my friends, "So, you think he kinda likes me?"

Where my friends would reply in chorus, "No shit, Shirlock."

Maybe it's because I was never used to getting attention throughout elementary school or most of high school. I guess I don't like to assume things, because I'm afraid that I would be disappointed, somehow. I don't even really get my hopes up.

I even have trouble figuring out if I really like a guy or not. Or is it that I just find him a really nice guy who I am attracted to. Is this weird? Or I feel like I should like someone because they are just the sweetest guy. And I don't.

People my age are getting married. Having kids. And not that I want to be in that boat. I don't even want to dive into a relationship. I just would like to have more of a clue of my taste. What kind of guy I would like.

I find that I like hanging out with the guys. I like it when I feel they are being extra nice, or paying more attention to me. I like just joking around and teasing them. But, after that, I don't know what I want.

I know that a part of me is also afraid of ending up like my parents. I know they love each other, but sometimes I question it. When they fight. When they fight often, over silly things.

I feel like, in building our family, they lost themselves. They come home from work, and cook, and take care of us (when we were little), and now that they don't have that, it's like they don't know what to do. It's like they stayed together for my sisters and I, mainly.

They put up with each other in-laws, they kept things inside when they should have talked about it, for the duration of their 30-year marriage. Now I wonder if they can ever even talk about it. Does there come a point when you keep so many things pent up that it's too much to go through? I don't ever want to be in that situation. It scares the hell out of me. I would rather be alone, then lonely in a relationship.

The Fighting

Amidst the partying (more than I've done in a really long time), this weekend. The thing that stood out for me was when my parents came to visit me yesterday. It wasn't a good visit.

My mom had to get her cavities fixed downtown, and they came up to see me after that. We have been discussing the possibility of my getting a car, recently. However, with the economy up in the air, financing a car is a huge burden. So my parents decided that I can take my dad's car (Toyota Corolla 2003) and my dad would take my mom's minivan, and then my mom would car pool with a co-worker to work.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

My dad has no patience.

My mom needs to convince everyone that she's right.

They are both as stubborn as hell.

It was so simple. And yet, so difficult.

My dad just cut my mom off as she was explaining something. Then, my mom kept explaining, and asked why my dad was being so rude. Then kept explaining. Pretty much my dad flew into a rage. They were both yelling at each other. Telling each other to stop talking. Yelling at each other.

I told both my parents to stop talking. To not say anything. I brought my mom to my room, and sat my dad on the couch. Pleading with them to stop yelling. They were both so angry. Angry at something that was so stupid and insignificant.

Sometimes these fights happen when I go home. I don't know what to say in these situations. I feel like a little kid, watching their parents fight. Helpless in the situation. I still feel helpless in the situation. I feel scared.

I feel like my parents keep so much inside. That some day, it might explode. They can't talk about their problems because it seems to always get out of hand when they try to. And it's not the problem they are talking about, its about all the stupid little things that are at the outskirts of the problem. Someone is always trying to prove the other one wrong.

It scares me because I don't want to end up like this. I don't want to see my parents like this. I understand that couples fight, but ... this is too much. I don't know what to do. If there is something I can do. I don't know.

Same Mistake

So, it's a Friday night and I'm up thinking. Thinking nostalgic thoughts. Getting a little emotional. After watching P.S. I Love You, this song is on repeat.



Lately, I've been a bit emotional. It's hard to say why, I just kinda feel like I'm in rut, and I want to get out of it. I guess, the emotional roller coaster is somewhat warranted. A lot of things have happened in the last few months. Recapping:

And I feel a bit overwhelmed. I feel a bit lost in life. I miss my friends. I miss university life. I'm scared because I'm not sure if I'm ready for "real" life to start, yet. I'm scared because I'm afraid that I won't ever love again.

After Almond and I broke up, I tried to fill every spare minute with stuff. With things to do to take my mind off of thinking about him. I was successful for the most part. I played volleyball. Dodgeball. Soccer. Took up yoga. Salsa dancing. Swimming. Running. Even tried rock climbing. Went out partying. Spent some much needed girl time with my sisters and friends. It was great.

After I moved somewhat out of the city, it has been significantly more difficult to get around via public transit. I've been spending more time at home. I go to work, come back home, cook (sometimes), sleep. And repeat. And repeat.

All this time alone. This time alone that I have worked so hard to avoid since the break up is hitting me really hard. I guess when we broke, after my initial sadness, I wanted to move on. I felt that if I spent too much time dwelling on the past, I was being weak. That he didn't deserve the time I spent thinking about him. But now, that I've been home quite a bit, I've been dwelling. Thinking. And I just feel sad. Almost empty inside.

I feel like I've given him all my love, and I have none left. I feel as though he broke my heart, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do.

When I saw the trailer for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, there was a part that really stuck with me. The part when Alexis Bledel finds out that the man she loved had lied to her about marrying some girl. And then her friend asks her, "So what? He's not married. Why can't you just forget about him, and follow your heart?"

Then Alexis says, "Because! He broke my heart!"



That's how I feel now. Still. After almost 2 years. I feel like my heart is still broken.

It's frustrating. Why am I not over by now? Why do I still feel angry when I think how he just left. After 5 years, he just left me. And he wanted me to fight for him. Because that would've showed him that I cared. Why? I loved him. And he left me. He broke my heart. And it's still broken. Why can't I fix it?

Even though, at the time, it was good to keep myself occupied with activities. Lots of activities. And many that I have grown to love. I think I also need to give myself some "me" time. It has been exhausting trying to run away from my emotions. At the same time, I'm not sure how to face them. I just know I need some time to let myself feel hurt. To feel sad. Even though that was the very thing I was running away from. Maybe you can't just skip all the sad part.

Having said that. I still want to stay active, but maybe, in a healthy way -- instead of just running away from my emotions. I think that I would like more of a mix of what I would to stay involved in.

So after a few months of working, I am having positive cash flow. I have been thinking of buying a car. I will need it for work, but, I think it will definitely help me get around. I'm thinking of doing some volunteering, and am now in the process of looking into organizations I would like to be involved in, in addition to some sports.

I will still be sad about Almond. A part of me just can't help it. But I won't pretend to not be sad. He was really special to me. And I really cared about him. But I need to move on. How... I'm not sure, yet. But I'm beginning to think that I can figure this out.

I guess it's like what James Blunt's song says. I don't want a second chance. I will just make the same mistake again. Maybe Almond was my mistake. But if I had to do it all over, again. I would. Without him, I wouldn't have known love. Without him, I wouldn't have known heartbreak. But without heartbreak, I might not have known love.

Maybe one day, we will talk again. Instead of just speaking, but not now. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But maybe, one day. Right now, I'm still hurting. I guess it's okay to hurt. Even if it's for a long time.

A Confession

Below is a confession that I haven't told anyone yet. Not the entire story, anyway. I feel a bit embarrassed, and a little ashamed about it. I also feel a little surprised I did it, and in a weird way, empowered.

When my friend and I stopped in Berlin during our grad trip, we stayed at a hostel. We were usually really sleepy and tired, and went to bed early and got up late. Our room was shared with about 8 other strangers. A few Mexicans, a couple Russians, a Croatian (that's all that I can recall).

One night, we decided to take our new friends up on their offer, and we head out to a bar together -- my friend and I, the Croatian and the Russian.

The Croatian is drunk, and his Russian friend is very quiet. Both cute. The Croatian reminded me of the new James Bond, just younger and not as built. I'm not sure who the Russian reminded me of. He was a little short, but he liked to dance -- which is something that I always like. So we dance in the bar to the 80's karaoke mix of love songs and such. It was fun.

After a few drinks, we are all a little more happy than we were before. We head back to our hostel. A little weird that we're all crashing in the same room, but that's what traveling is about right? New experiences.

I wash off my make up, change into my PJ's and climb into the top bunk, ready to pass out.

Russian asks me if I want to sleep with him -- in his broken English and mix of hand signals.

Russian: Can I sleep with you?

me: Huh??

Russian: Just sleeping. Only sleeping. Can I join you?

me: NO!

Internal monologue: How drunk does this guy think I am? And in a roomful of people?? Is this how they roll in Russia?

Russian: Just sleeping. No touching. No sex.

I ponder this for a second and a stream of thoughts kinda hit me. Mainly my loneliness for the past year. How it's been so long since I had been close with a guy. To have him hold me. Kiss me. Touch me. It would be nice to be held. Besides, he can't really try anything in a room of 10 people. Not to mention that Croatian had already made himself at home in my friend's bed.

me: No sex. Just sleeping.

Russian nods.

Russian: No sex. I'll be good.

me: OK.

Russian is very happy and then goes to take a shower. He comes back and climbs into bed. I have to admit, it felt really nice to be held. To be caressed. To be kissed. I liked the smell of him cleaned up. I even liked the hint of smoke and liquor when we kissed. But he was a good boy, and we did just go to sleep after a bit.

I didn't end up sleeping much. A part of me questioned what I was doing. A part of me just felt really lonely. A part of me realized that sex means something to me. Even a kiss means something to me. A part of me wished that they didn't. A part of me was glad they did.

Manis and Pedis

I have never had a manicure or pedicure before. Until last weekend. It was against my free will.

I know that it's supposed to be relaxing and fun.

Call my crazy, but I was feeling everything but relaxed. What could be relaxing when I see them use instruments to pick at my nooks and crannies that have been probably full of dirt with the same instruments they use on every other person who walks in?! For all I know, they could be putting those other people's crap back under my toe nails. Gross.

Or do I just watch too much CSI?

Never again. I can paint my own nails and draw my own flowers, thank you very much.

OK, maybe I can't draw my own flowers. I can live without flowers on my toes.

So, why did I get my nails professionally painted, you ask. And how was I forced into it?

Simple. My best friend from high school was getting married next Saturday and the official engagement ceremony was that night. My toes needed to look good.

I never thought that anyone would pay much attention to my toes. Until I was at the ceremony. Every lady had her toe nails pedicured. I was so glad my toes fit in.

I felt like I was in high school. When all the girls had the brand name shirts, and shoes. And I was in my baggy clothes because I didn't want to pay $45 for a dress shirt, when a $5 would do. I had to save for tuition, man.

Except, this time I felt like I sort of fit in. Only, it felt silly, that anyone would judge me by my toes. Doesn't it? But I'm pretty sure that they would have. Silly, I know. My insecurities. I'm working on it.

Oh. Speaking of her wedding. I get my life back after September 20th.

No more of conversations like this:

Des, make sure you're at my house next weekend.

Des, make sure you come to the official engagement ceremony.

Des, can you help out at the bridal shower.

Des, make sure you leave your Friday nights free. Just in case we decide to do something then. Yes, please cancel the plans you already made.

(OK, she didn't say the last sentence, but I think that was understood.)

Des, book next Thursday and Friday off from work. We need to do our Henna.

Des, it doesn't matter that you live about 2 hours away of commute via public transit. Or that you have to work the next day. Be here!

Like I said. I get my life back after September 20th.

After that, I am going to spend my whole weekend just the way I want to. Sleep. Sleep. Cook. Sleep. Sleep. Shop. Sleep. Sleep. Decorate. Sleep. Sleep. BLOG. (After I get my internet set up at my new place, that is. Wish me luck.)

Less than 2 weeks to go. Grin and bear it. Grin and bear it.

Making Time for Committment

I'm not the type of girl to whine, cry and consume a tub of Haagen Daz after a break up. OK. Given that I've really had one break up in my entire life, I may or may do it in the future.

However, during my last break up, I balled my eyes out the day of and the next day. After all my tear ducts were as dry as the Sahara Desert, I proceeded to occupy any spare moment of my time with stuff. That wasn't too hard to do, since I was taking 5 civil technical electives, T.A.-ing a first year calculus extra help session, and doing research on a side for a professor in Building Science. Fun stuff. In my spare time, I hit the gym, and hung out with my girlfriends, guy friends, whoever. Just so that I wouldn't have to go home, and face an empty house with my mind full of thoughts.

I remember after my last exam, I didn't want to go back home cuz my roommates were still studying for their exams at the library. I was so afraid to face my house alone. To be alone with my thoughts. In my room, where Almond had broken up with me.

I ended up tagging along with the guys and watched them play Playstation II. Or III. Or XX. Who knows. I would rather do that than go home. I ended up falling asleep after a couple rounds of some fighting game.

Then I went to Singapore for an exchange term. Needless to say that I was pretty much busy for 4 months. I also really enjoyed just meeting new people, going out and trying new things. I realized that trying new things was something which I was lacking. I mean, I spent so much of my time juggling between studying, family, and Almond, that I really didn't spend that much time on me. So I started trying new things. Stepping a out of my comfort zone. A little at a time.

I came back from Singapore and was more outgoing and more active. I started swimming with a friend (sometimes with the hot swimmer). I took salsa lessons with a friend. I started dragon boating. I played volleyball on the class team. I went out on dates. I went out clubbing. Basically, I just went out. It was a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed it. I met someone who made me excited to date again.

We were in the same salsa class, and he was one of my buddies' roommate. He was good looking, easy going and what my friends and I call, "a charmer." Let's call him Gelato. More on him later. Maybe.

I have never been a very active person. However, just being a little more active, not only gave me more energy, but it made me feel better about myself. I also liked the way my arms, shoulders and legs were more toned. It felt good. So I tried to keep up with swimming and running.

Just this year, I realized that I have indeed become quite busy being active. To plan a date would actually require planning ahead, because I kinda had to slot the guy into an appointment time.

It wasn't until lately that there has been someone I'm excited to see. Let's call him, Haagen Daz. I actually want to make some time to see him. It's a nice feeling. But also nice to know that my days are full without any guy, and I could be perfectly satisfied, as well.

I'm not about to throw all my plans out for Haagen Daz. We'll just take it one day at a time, and one date at a time.

I'm still going to stay active, and do all the new activities I have come to love doing -- which was previously used as time void filler. My new activities include soccer (I like indoor more than outdoors), volleyball, dragon boating, swimming and running. I also want to keep up with squash, too. I can't do this all at once, obviously, but a few activities at a time. Maybe I can even kill two birds with one stone and do some of the activities with Haagen Daz.

After all, the first time we met, we were both sweaty and sandy from playing each other on beach volleyball. So much for first impressions, eh? He still looked good. Trust me.

You, me and a coffee table.

I ran into my ex. Carrying a coffee table. At midnight. Last Thursday. Wearing the one shirt which he bought me.

Life's funny, isn't it?

A little background info. You can also read about him here. And here.

So after we parted ways last June, Almond and I haven't talked. It's not so much that I hated him or anything -- I'm not a hateful person, and can't really imagine myself hating anyone. Much less him. I was just really disappointed. I needed my space.

He's pretty much left me alone since, and didn't try to push the "friendship" thing any further. At least, he knew where I stood on that matter.

This February, I sent him an email wishing him a happy birthday. (Facebook birthday wishes are so impersonal.) It went something like this.

Hey Almond,

Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, or as you like to call it - HDay! What are you up to lately? I hope everything is going well for you and your family, and Candy*, too. :)

Take care.

All the best,
Des

* Candy is Almond's family poodle. She's getting quite old now -- she was 14 last time I saw her. She's adorable.

His response was the following.

Hi Des,

Thanks for the HDay wishes! I've been working as an engineering consultant, actually started not to long ago and ended up working in Toronto.

What have u been up to? u decided to do a masters or join the work force? I hope school is going well, enjoy it while it lasts.

It would be nice to see/meet you over hot chocolate (i don't like coffee) some time if you feel comfortable, otherwise don't worry about it.

Kind Regards,
Almond

We e-mailed a little back and forth. It was really nice to just catch up on his life for the past little while. We never got a chance to meet up before I left for my graduation trip, and figured we'd meet up after that. He told me he starting working not too long ago -- this February.

He is working in Toronto, and doing general computer consulting. He also just bought a house, and was moving in June. Just so happens that his house is really close to where my new job would be. Life's crazy like that, isn't it?

Anyway, after I came back from my graduation trip, I suddenly had a change of mind. I was really happy where I was in my life. In a way, I was afraid that if I met up with Almond, it might some how mess up the balance I had worked so hard to achieve in my life. So, I just told him that I wasn't ready for it.

Hi Almond,

Hope all is going well for you.

I just started work a couple of weeks ago, and it's been so far so good. I'm really liking what I'm doing and the people who I work with are amazing.

Anyway, right now I am thinking it's best not to meet up, but I hope your summer is going well.

Cheers,
Des

His response.

Hi Des,

I'm fine. Sound like you are doing well.

Glad to hear work is good at that you enjoyed your trip for the most part.

Regards,
Almond

So that was when we last corresponded. In July sometime -- so, not too long ago. Since I knew that he was living in the same area that I was, I wasn't expecting to run into him, but wouldn't be too surprised if I did. I thought about the different possible situations that may occur.

1) At the mall
2) On the subway (on the way to or back from soccer)
3) On one of my walks or runs around my neighborhood

Little did I know that last Thursday was going to happen a little differently. I have been looking into buying furniture for my new apartment. My friend suggested I try Craigslist for some gently used furniture. So far, it's been pretty good.

I went to see this musical after work with some friends from work. It was hilarious, by the way. I highly recommend it. Never have I seen so many guys at a musical audience, before.

So after the show ended -- about 10PM -- my friend, Y. and I went to pick up a coffee table on our way back to the subway. It was a gently used IKEA coffee table. $30. Awesome.

So we took it apart and took the bus back to the subway where her car was parked. I was also supposed to look at one of my old colleague's sofa (he was just trying to get rid of it) since he was showing people the next day, he told me to just come later Thursday night (after my musical) to see it.

Here is the fun part. Y. and I lugging my coffee table from the bus to her car. It wasn't too heavy, but bulky it was. After getting through the doors, we head towards the elevator. Then I hear a husky voice call my name. I thought it was Y.

Almond: Des??
me: What, Y.?!

I stop and turn around.

Y.: I didn't say anything.

I look up. It's Almond. I thought we just looked at each other, but according to Y., we were just staring at each other for a while. I finally found my voice.

me: Hi! How are you doing?
Almond: Hi. I'm good. How are you?

me: I'm good.

Awkward silence.

inner monologue: Oh. My. God. I'm carrying a coffee table. Hmm. And I'm wearing the ONE shirt he gave me. Shit. Hmm. Do I look good? I think so. My hair behaved today, and I have my contacts in. Oh. Should I introduce Y.?

me: By the way, this is my friend, Y. Y., this is Almond.

They exchange awkward hello's.

me: Sorry. I have to go. We're supposed to supposed to be somewhere right now.
Almond: Sure.
me: It was nice seeing you. Take care.
Almond: You, too.

We make it to Y.'s car. On the drive, I tell Y. that was my ex.

Y.: So that's why it was so awkward.
me: Yuppers.
Y.: That's funny. You have so many adventures. First we're looking at a coffee table and taking the bus with the said coffee table at 11PM at night! AND we run into your ex.
me: That's my life. Full of adventures. Just dandy.

I figured Almond was probably wondering where the heck I had to be at midnight that I couldn't even stop and chat. And carrying a coffee table. I felt a little bad for brushing him off. I didn't mean to. So, I figured I'd clear the air.

Hi Almond,

It was nice bumping into you last night -- as brief as it was. (Though, I hope you don't usually work this late. :P)

I know we haven't seen each other in a while, and it would have been nice to chat a bit. I didn't mean to brush you off -- sorry about that.

I was actually running super late meeting a friend I was going to buy some furniture off of. I'm just starting to furnish my new apartment that I'll be moving into in September (as you could probably tell with the coffee table).

Anyway, I hope you have a great weekend.


- Des

His response.

Hi Des,

It was nice running into you to. No need to apologize. I realized you were busy when I saw you walking at a fast pace carrying your things.

I hope you had a great weekend,
Almond


So. I think things are cool between us. We're grown ups.

I guess the thing I was most afraid of when facing him was that it would mess me up. That my emotions would just end up in a big mess, and all the work I've done would be gone. Funny enough. That's not what happened.

It was nice seeing him. But that was it. I no longer had a longing for him. It was almost like seeing an old friend. Almost.

I watched a movie a few nights ago with my sister created by WongFu Productions called "A Moment with You." Beautiful movie. Heartfelt. Touching. Realistic. Relatable. The quote that came to mind when I look back on that oh-so-awkward-run-in is this.

I think about all the moments that pass us by and only certain ones stay with us.

The moments between Almond and I. They will always stay with me. They will always be a part of my memory. They will forever be a part of me. He will always be a very special person to me. I will forever be thankful for all the beautiful and sad moments we shared. But our moment has passed. The realization is both sad and happy. It's like taking a step forward -- knowing that I can never go back.

Pretending to be a Grown Up

That's right. I'm pretending.

So this thought kinda struck me the other day when I got really excited rifling through the fliers -- they had Sunsilk shampoo and conditioner on sale at my local supermarket for $2!!! To top it off, they even had Oil of Olay body wash for only $3! I couldn't wait to hit the store and stock up for the next year or so. Do you know how much this stuff usually costs?!

Then I realized how excited I was about this. And it was kinda pathetic.

I feel like I'm playing house --but for real, now. The only difference is that I can't just leave the toys behind when I'm done and start another game. I also have to buy everything in the said "house," and it costs money. Sometimes, lots of money.

It's funny, I thought that grown ups knew "everything." By "everything", I mean they know most things and generally understand the world around them. In other words, they have answers, which I, never had.

However, now I think it's different. Obviously I am a "grown up", now, and have been for a while. Even though I still feel like a kid inside. (You know, feeling lost and confused most of the time.)

Now, I think being a "grown up" means knowing that you will never know anything for sure, but being able to accept that fact. It's also trying your best, and know that it's all you can ever ask of yourself, or anyone else.

Sometimes, it's about being brave when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for a while. Sometimes, it's about being strong when the people you care about are hurting too much to stand on their own. Sometimes its about having the faith of a child and just taking a chance.

In the mean time, I'm just going to continue pretending to be an "adult" and get excited about toiletries going on sale, then stocking up for the next year or so. Buy some furniture for my new basement apartment, ogle over bags and shoes I will not be able to afford (yet), and munch on my favourite desserts.

Thoughts on Love Abroad

OK, I still haven't gotten pictures from the girls yet. Darn it. I can't believe how busy everyone is. But they will come soon. In the meantime, I will bore you with my reflections of "love" that I had while one this trip.

It's funny the thoughts that come into one's head while traveling. You have so much time it seems, and your mind wanders, whether you like it or not. It could be on a long train ride, waiting (yet again) for a delayed flight, drifting along the Nile, watching a sunset, climbing a mountain, watching a sunrise. You get it.

I guess one of the thoughts that hit me really hard was: "I can be happy again with someone new". I know. That took long enough, eh?! When I imagined myself -- perhaps traveling with a significant other -- the image was no longer of Almond. In fact, in wasn't of anyone in particular (most of the time) -- just a mysterious Mr. X.

Now, I truly believe (not just convinced by rationality) that I can really find someone who would love me for who I am, and I can love back with all my heart. It's taken me a while to get to this point. I've taken a look back on my relationship, and realized that I have indeed grown significantly as a person and as a (potential) lover and partner.

The most important part being that the relationship I have with myself is a lot healthier. I have more of an idea of what I want in my life, and more importantly, what my values are. I have learned to take a little more risk, but also learned to let things slide if they don't work out. I have learned to forgive myself, and other people, of mistakes or miscommunications, or whatever, but also know that it's alright to feel hurt and angry for a while.

Carrie Bradshaw once said,

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Before I left on my trip, Almond had emailed me and wanted to know how things were in my life and wanted to get together. I felt obligated to see him, but I said I would let him know when I get back. After weighing the pro's and con's, I feel it may be better not to see him right now. I'm pretty sure he has a new girlfriend, and though I do feel happy for him. I don't think I'm ready to see him. Plain and simple.

I'm happy where I am in my life right now, and I'm afraid seeing him will mess things up. I get to be a little selfish, right?

Count down to Egypt and Germany begins ...

I'm about 48 hours away from leaving my house for my graduation trip.

I don't like having long count downs, you know - 17 weeks until [enter super fun activity here]. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it just makes me feel old. Like my life isn't really worth living until then. 48 hours, I can deal with not doing much except running around like a maniac to prepare for my trip.

So I'm a travel junkie. This started when I had a work term in Boston (first time I stepped foot off of Canadian soil!), and then my 4 months of exchange in Singapore consisted of various adventures in Malaysia (Kuala Lampur and Taman Negara), Indonesia, Thailand (Bangkok and Krabi), Vietnam and Cambodia. Major, major dosage of traveling for myself, a newbie. Then a couple of short trips, with my family to Cuba and Montreal last summer. Tres fun.

Traveling felt much like having my eyes opened for the first time to all the wonders I had no idea existed in the world. I felt so naive and ignorant. So insignificant, yet realize it is people -- individual much like you and I -- who shape the history of our world. Since it was my first time traveling, I was learning a lot. I was lucky to have friends who have had some experience traveling before, and they were equipped with Lonely Planet guides and first aid kits, and other essentials.

I also learned a lot myself. I learned that I loved learning about different cultures and also about where I came from. My dad was born in Vietnam and my mom was born in Cambodia. I was blessed to have the opportunity to visit their homeland.

I learned (not just believed) how fortunate I was to be born in Canada and have so many opportunities (freedom, women's rights, education - to name a few) that many people can only dream about. I saw -- first hand -- how fortunate I was to be given the opportunity to be multi-lingual, and how there are so many languages I want to learn. I also learned how much culture is reflected in the languages of different countries. In my feeble attempt to learn Vietnamese.

I learned that no matter where I go, no matter how many cool sites I see, the best part of journey is coming home and being able to share it with the people I cared about. My family and friends.

I also learned a lot about myself as a traveler. I learned that I am definitely not a country hopper. I would much rather spend more time in one single country and immersing myself in it's culture than seeing many countries in a short amount of time. It feels unjust for me to spend only a couple of days in country and claiming I have "been there."

I also don't like to herded around like cattle. You know those, like those Chinese tours, where they stop at a city and you have 15 minutes to explore. Then you're herded back onto the bus for another 10 hour ride. Yea. Not my cup of tea. It feels unjust to the country I am visiting and to the people who are visiting.

So unless the place I'm traveling to is unsafe without a guide (ie. trekking in the Himilayas, Central and South American (?) ), I usually try to stay away from tours. Another exception is when I want to learn a lot the history, especially at historically significant sites. I can only get so much from staring at rubble :)

I will keep updating this blog with stories of my travels, so check back if you are interested. In the meantime, here are some of the things on our itinerary:

Watching Egyptian Belly dancing. Maybe take some classes? So beautiful!
Visiting the port of Alexandria. Named after Alexander the Great from the Greek Empire.
Of course, the Pyramids of Giza. I have to ride a camel here.
Visiting the Western Desserts. Ever heard of sand surfing? What else would you do in a dessert, right?Diving in the Red Sea. I heard they have awesome wreck dives. Good thing I know how to swim this time around!
Visiting Mount Sinai. Isn't this gorgeous?
Visiting the mosques and museums of Cairo.
Visiting Luxor and the Valley of the Kings. Hello, Ramses the Great and King Tut. King Tut was actually a very insignificant figure in terms of contribution to the Egyptian History, but more to come on that later.
Of course, I have to ride a felucca along the Nile. This looks so peaceful and gorgeous.
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Update: I just transferred some of my old posts (from my exchange term last year) of my travels to this blog. I also added some more pictures -- some mine, others googled. I also realize my grammar was not-so-good, so please bear with me. The links in this post link to the respective entries. Or you can do what I would do, and just look at the pictures! Enjoy =)

Rant post on the ex

It's spring, so isn't love supposed to be in the air?! Love, where art thou? Ok, forget love. How about just "like" - in that mushy-butterflies-in-your-stomach kind of way?

So, there is more to the story of myself and Almond than Part I. More to come later (in Part II). The later bits aren't so nice.

I don't understand why it is so hard for me to move on. It's not like I haven't gone out and dated. I've met some great people. But it seems so complicated. Was "love"or even "like" always this complicated?

When there was chemistry, the guy was not so great. When there is a great guy, there seems to be no chemistry. What's a girl supposed to do?

To be honest, stepping into the working world, I have no idea how to even meet new people. At school, you can meet people in clubs and sports. Is it the same in the working aka real world?

My ex doesn't seem to be having any problems in this department. I know I sound bitter when I say this. I don't mean to be.

Backtrack:

When we had our talk (after our "break") Almond was in a bad stage in his life.

He still didn't have a job. He had no idea where he was going in life. He sounded like a lost puppy who barely knew his own name. He said he was no where near being able to handle a relationship and could not bear to hurt me again. He said he wasn't sure when he'd be ready for one and thought it would be unfair to ask me to wait (damn right!).

I felt really bad for him. But I also needed time alone. It's hard for me to separate my emotions when it comes to him. So I asked him to give me time on my own. He had trouble understanding this. For some reason, he thought I was being unfair to him by "taking away" my friendship.

Fast forward:

A couple months after our talk, it seems he got over his fear of relationships pretty quickly. Go figure.

After that one didn't work out, he soon got into another one.

It's not that I don't want him to be happy. That's not it at all. I just wonder why it seems so easy for him to go from one relationship to another, whereas I feel like I'm stuck.

How come it's so hard for me to move on? It's not like I have commitment problems, right? Am I too picky? Am I protecting myself too much? Is it cause I haven't met the right guy, yet? Or wait - is there something wrong with me?

Facebook is a horrible thing. I used to think that I was mature enough to handle information about my ex, so I kept him on my "friends list." I stayed away from the FB stalking pretty well, but I crumble under the stupid mini feed. Grrr..... Damn you, FB!

Anyway, I realized today, that I am not that strong. Seeing my ex with his new gf frolicking at the beach is not something I can stomach. (I actually didn't see that picture, I saw a picture of my cousin's ex doing that. And realized that if it was Almond with his new gf, it is definitely not my cup of tea) My first FB friend deletion today.

Life goes on. Exhale.

Bonjour! Je m'appelle Dessert Lover

Hello, out there! Just call me Des.

Thanks for stopping by my little nook in cyberspace. I don't really have anything too remarkable and exciting prepared to catch your attention. (darn it!)

Perhaps, I should start by telling you a bit about myself. I am a mid-twenties, (soon-to-be) working professional, living in the great city of Toronto. I was born and raised in the greater Toronto area.

I am fluent in both Cantonese and Mandarin because my parents refuse to speak English to my sisters and I for fear of us forgetting our mother tongue (thanks!). I can also understand a few other dialects (bits of Vietnamese, Chiu Jau, Hakka). Other than that, I am mostly what people call a "twinkie."

I am just finishing up my degree in engineering this spring and will (hopefully) be doing some traveling - here or here - before I become all grown up and join the working world in a few months. I will be in the consulting industry working with buildings (yay! Did I mention I'm a nerd?).

Some of my hobbies include, but are not limited to: eating new foods, cooking, traveling, camping, theater, reading, blogging, and photography. Just recently, I have also been more active and have taken an interest in squash, running, swimming, yoga, salsa, volleyball, rock climbing and indoor soccer.

I surprised myself by really enjoying all those activities, since I used to be a couch potato. Not to mention I had way too much time on my hands, after entering "single-dom" (more to come on that). In no way, does this mean I am any good at any of the above mentioned activities. I like learning about new things - sticking with it is the hard part. I'm working on that.

Even though I am a nerdy engineering student, I try not to dress like one. I am an out-of-the-closet shoe addict, after a particular shopping trip with my friends to Buffalo. I have been slowly transitioning my closet to a more grown up and sophisticated one (read: less hoodies, more cardigans), and these are some of my favourite stores right now: Forever21, Costs Blanca, and Dynamite.

As my paycheck gets bigger, and my debt load smaller, I will be able to make more extravagant purchases. Having said that, I can't wait to do some summer AND work shopping!

The most important things to me right now are: my family and friends. I have been blessed with great parents, two amazing sisters (I'm the oldest) and awesome cousins. My friends keep my grounded, sane and laughing. I know I'll miss them dearly after university - I'm already reminiscing and it's not over yet!

I am single and have recently joined the dating scene (as a very shy, naive and somewhat clueless individual). I was in an (almost) 5 year relationship with my high school sweetheart, until we broke up in November 2006.

Our relationship did not end so well, and needless to say, my heart was broken into a million pieces. Since then, I have learned to move on, to forgive, to forget, but also learning to be able to love again. Still working on that. I still believe it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all.

I have another blog which I use to keep in touch with friends and family, since I used to travel a lot. I really enjoy blogging and sharing my thoughts with friends and family. I find it therapeutic. At times, however, I want to write about personal topics, and it is difficult knowing people who know me are reading.

I have been debating an anonymous diary blog for a while now, and have finally put my thoughts into action. Oh! Since I am also starting a new phase in my life, I also wanted this one to look more sophisticated and grown up (read: mucho mooching ideas from one of my favourite blogs).

So that's me in a nutshell!

This blog will rant, discuss, obsess, and vent about the above mentioned topics, or anything which comes to mind. So, check back if you like. Laugh with me (or at me), cry with me (ok, maybe not), leave a comment or shoot me an email. Whatever floats your boat. Toodles!

Photo source: Alis0