He said, "I Love you"

Remember my post where I was worried that LeBlanc did not love me, or feel as strongly about me because he has never said, "I love you" to
me? And my wonderful readers assured me that I was worrying and moping over nothing.

Different people have different ways of expressing how they care. And I was learning that my definition of "love" was probably LeBlanc's equivalent of "really like."

I haven't written much lately, it's been crazy busy, and my blog has just taken a back seat to my life. But I feel as if I am falling even deeper in love with LeBlanc. Our weekends consists of cuddling on the
couch watching old episodes of Criminal Minds. Then going grocery shopping and making food together. We've made some elaborate dinners, and even hosted LeBlanc's parents a few weekends ago! LeBlanc made an out-of-this-world soup, and I will be judging all future soups to this benchmark!

Sometimes, LeBlanc and I venture out of the cozy house (and outside a 300m radius) and head for some exploring. This is a rare occasion since it's so cold! Actually this winter in Toronto is pretty mild, but I just like to complain! It's fun :)

A few weeks ago, LeBlanc and I spent another lazy weekend together. And then we talked a bit on the phone before I went to bed. LeBlanc was heading out of town for business and catching the 7AM flight out the next morning for the week, and I knew I was going to miss him.

As I wake up groggy on Monday morning, I see a text waiting for me. From LeBlanc.

Hey. Hope you're sleeping. I just wanted to tell you that I think I love you... Kiss kiss. Talk to you tmr...

I think I re-read that text a million times - not to mention I was grinning like an idiot the entire day at work (and re-reading the text, again and again and again!).

I got up and did my work out, then called LeBlanc before he left on his flight. And I tell him that I love him, too. And he responds with "I love you, too." It was our first "I love you" exchange.

Last weekend, as LeBlanc and I are about to go to sleep, I ask,
"Do you still love me?"

LeBlanc says, "Yes. What do you mean by still?"

I say, "You haven't changed your mind, right?"

LeBlanc says, "Of course not. I love you, Des."

I know that was probably silly of me to ask. I just felt like I had to make sure. Then again, unicorns did not magically appear by the bedside. And come to think of it, I think that I was loved all along. Because I feel so happy just thinking about him.

PS. Sorry if this post was so mushy that you wanted to puke. :P

The Story of the "L" Plateau

Thanks for your inspiring comment Greears!

I had some time to think about my "dilemma", and it really is not a dilemma at all. I am very happy, and LeBlanc is wonderful. Yes, in a perfect world, he would be proclaiming his love for me through Disney songs while dancing with the deers , and picking me up for our dates in a carriage that was made from a pumpkin with fairy dust.

But in this world, it's a hug and kiss in the mornings when he's too groggy to even think. Giving me massages. Cooking me dinner. Taking me to a show just because I want to dress up. Asking me for input on his next projects for work, if he's going somewhere far away. I've been greedy, and I admit it.

After LeBlanc and I had the talk, I took sometime and put together this story. As much as I try to be open and honest, there are some times when I am not. I do clam up. But I wanted him to know how I felt and this was pretty much most of what was on my mind after our talk.

"The Story of the 'L' Plateau" by des

Once upon a time, there was a wonderful little boy who liked to do nice things for a certain little girl and make her happy.

Sometimes, he would make her dumplings. Sometimes he would get free coffee from McDonalds in the early AM (drink most of both thier cups, but alas, that is a minor detail). Sometimes, he would take her out for a fancy wine tasting or watch a Cirque du Soliel show, so that she could satisfy her fancy of dressing up. And sometimes, he would give her random massages just because.

One very special day, the little boy bought her a beautiful cardigan sweater and matching cami (great taste,indeed), and wrote a very cute card that was decorated with stars, flowers, hearts and cloud puffs, reading "My life is richer because you're in it." Even though, the little girl was very happy, she had thought the little boy was ready to move the "love" plateau, and her little ego was hurt when the little boy did not come through.

Even though the little boy showed the little girl how he cared through his actions (see above), the little girl was still bothered after that night. She debated whether to tell him or not, and eventually she told him. In a most unattractive, bawling kind of manner.

Afterwards, the little girl and the little boy had a serious talk about the "L" word. The little girl had some time to think about how she handled the situation, and she has concluded this: Even though, she was right to tell the little boy what was going on in her head, and how she felt hurt, she doesnt want to give it more power than it deserves.

The little girl does not think that the little boy is slow at relationships, and thinks he is doing a wonderful job of showing the little girl how much she means to him even though he is not hard wired for being verbally emotive. However, occasionally, the little girl gets a little greedy. and wants verbal confirmation, when in fact, she doesn't really need it.

So, the little girl wants the little boy to know that she is very lucky to have him in her life. She also feels a little silly for having made somewhat of a big kuffufle. When in fact, the little boy shows the little girl how much she means to him, through his actions, everyday, and makes her feel very special and happy.

The little boy and the little girl then ride off into the sunset on pink unicorns who never fart, and they all live happily ever after.

The End.

It Bothers Me

I'm not sure if LeBlanc not saying "I love you" should bother me this much, but it does. A couple times, I was thinking about it since last weekend, and I teared up. Truth be told, it hurt more than I thought it would when I didn't read those words on his anniversary card, last weekend. It was too much to keep inside. I told him, today.

me: I don't want you to say anything that you don't mean. But I wonder when you would be ready to say them, or if you would be. It's been bothering me.

LeBlanc: I don't know, Des. I'm very slow at emotional and relationship stuff. What does that mean to you - love?

me: It would mean that I am someone who is special in your life. Someone you care deeply about. Someone whom you may have a future with, one day.

LeBlanc: You are special to me. Very special. In a good way. And I always looking to spending time with you. And I want to keep spending time with you.

me: What does it mean to you - love?

LeBlanc: I don't know.

Pause.

LeBlanc: I'm not too good at this emotional part. I am very slow at relationship stuff, I think I need to take some time and think.

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to tell LeBlanc how I felt. My original plan was just to leave it until he is ready to say it. However, I think its important that he knows that going on in my head, and something is obviously bothering me. I don't want him to "fix" it and tell me something that's not true.

What do you think?? Would you say something in my position???

Long Distance Relationship Work and Playful Banter

I'm not one who is new to long distance relationships. Almond and I had done it several times. As with any relationship, it shouldn't be too difficult, but at the same time, it's not easy. In a nutshell, these are the most important take away points I've learned.

Usually, there is very little time to spend together (i.e. on the phone). You usually see only the best of each other at those times, and would rather not bring up topics that are not so happy. Sometimes, important issues can get swept under the rug because you don't want to waste this precious time you have together. Similarly, these items which get swept under the rug can get pent up and explode into a very ugly situation.

LeBlanc has been away on business in Australia for the past month. Having a 16 hour time difference puts some strain on our relationship. We talked about it before he left, and one of the things we were going to work on was communication and trying to include each other in our daily goings, with a combination of phone calls, texting, and e-mails.

As hard as we both try, one person usually does more of the above than the other. In my case, I felt a little neglected when LeBlanc and I hadn't talked in a few days. I knew that he had been working really long hours, and could just picture that when he came home, he would just collapse into sleep. But still. I wanted a call. I am his girlfriend. I am human. And I am selfish. Hmmph.

I also happened to be having a not-so-great week at work. I was afraid that I would be mad with feelings of pent up neglect by the time LeBlanc finally called, so I texted him a "heads up".

Des: I am feeling neglected.

LeBlanc: Terribly sorry... Meant to call you last night but fell asleep as soon as I got home. What are you up to now?

Des: At work.

LeBlanc then called. It was so great hearing his voice and the anger melted away. I told him about my week, and he told me about his. His project had hit somewhat of a stand-still and he wasn't sure if he would be back in Toronto (his project was originally 7 weeks overseas). I was almost afraid to hope that he'd be back for fear of it not happening.

Anyway, after our brief chat, I went back to work, and he got up to start his day.

I got an e-mail shortly after.

To: Des

From: LeBlanc
Subject: Fwd: Awwww... Poor Piglet

Just wanted to remind you that I do read your messages : )

-- LeBlanc

To: LeBlanc
From: Des

Subject: Re: Fwd: Awwww... Poor Piglet

Thanks :)

I do send a lot of them. I guess I think of you often.

I did feel a little miffed last night and this morning. These if a part of me that is understanding, and a part of me that is not, and sometimes they clash. I just feel how I feel, and figured I should let you know so that I don't explode on you, and squander the little time we do have to talk being mad. I know you are working a lot and long hours, and frustrated about your project. And I don't want to add to your stress, and I hope that I am not.

I hope your project works out, I know how much you were looking forward to it. I am excited for you! And I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

*kiss*

-- Des

To: Des

From: LeBlanc
Subject: Fwd: Awwww... Poor Piglet

That e-mail made me smile a lot... especially on the inside.

I hope that's what you were going for.

-- LeBlanc

Then the playful text banter. My favourite part!

Des: I probably should have added in the e-mail that patience is not one of my virtues.

LeBlanc: It's OK... Luckily, I'm a wonderful person.

Des: Yes, as wonderful as your are modest.

LeBlanc: Yes... Lots of both. (Said with a smile).

Des: Sounds perfect. Now you only need a spice rack*.

*Inside joke. I was impressed with this guy my friend is dating because he has a spice rack in his apartment. Lame, I know.

Update: LeBlanc came back yesterday afternoon! Hooray! And he brought a little friend for me, Mr. Koala aka Mr. K.**

**This is not an actual picture of Mr. K, but he does look very similar.

What are your experiences with long distance relationships? And what words of wisdom do you have to share about you long distance experience?

Kissing

"Eight out of ten women believe that the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship." -- Hitch, 2005

Kissing is important. To say the least. It's how we can express our emotions to each other. Whether they be tender, lustful, sad, desperate, mysterious, angry. Whether it's our first kiss, or not. A kiss on the cheek, forehead, nose, lips, neck or any other body part...

I have mentioned before that LeBlanc and I were friends. We had a common group of friends of the people we traveled with while on exchange in Singapore. He always seemed like a nice guy, but he seemed so carefree and goofy all the time, that I never really saw any other side of him.

One of the things that struck me about LeBlanc was the way he kissed me.

I'm thinking back to our first date, when what I thought I knew about him changed.

It was the way he kissed me, and the way he took his time to build up to the kiss. In a slow-flirtatious-shy kind of manner. Tracing his fingers along the length of my arm, and massaging my neck and shoulders. Tickling me. Holding me close, and then waiting for me to go the last bit.

From this kiss, I felt like I was seeing a completely new LeBlanc. Not the LeBlanc who leads our travel group on our crazy adventures, or the LeBlanc who does the silly things (like wear his underwear...). No, this was a LeBlanc who was gentle and sexy, and sensitive to me. His kisses were soft, gently, and teasingly. And it felt so good.

Even though I love all sorts of kisses. One of my favourites would have the be the forehead kiss. There's just something so sweet and simple about being kissed on the forehead. One time, it was before LeBlanc was leaving for Norway, and we went to his parents' for dinner. The taxi was going to pick him up at his parents, so we didn't really have a private farewell. We were standing in front of the taxi, his little brothers were watching. I gave LeBlanc a quick hug, and he held me for a moment and planted a kiss on my forehead.

How do you like to be kissed?? Would a guy have a chance if he didn't kiss well?? Would there be a point of a second date, if the kiss didn't go well???

New Standards

My girl friend, B and I went our for dinner last Friday night.

Throughout dinner, we talked about the usual: work, goals, money, boys.

B was just starting to see someone new, and I wanted to only know ALL the juice. As she spilled the beans, and we proceeded to pick this guy apart. We realized that the things we are looking for in a potential partner have changed a lot. From when we were in our high school days, to even our college days (and we only graduated last year -- 2008!).

One of the things that stood out about this new guy, lets call him "D", was that he had a spice rack in his condo. Imagine that, we were both so impressed with this spice rack, whereas a couple years ago, I could really care less.

I guess it's not so much the spice rack, but what it could mean for both B and I. To me, it means that he is somewhat of a cook, and takes pride in his culinary skills. He doesn't have to be an Iron Chef, but I can picture that he might cook me delicious meal on a date in, or be able to take care of himself (and hence, perhaps me!)and eat fairly yummy food .

We went through our list of what qualities qualify and which ones gets boys axed. I think this reflects not only our personalities, but also where we are in life, and what we have now come to expect in terms of quality of life.

We have both come to agree that "love is not enough."

In addition to attraction and caring for someone, which are important. But just as important would be to have similar life goals, similar views on finances, similar culture (and I don't mean the same race), respect of individuality. I would like my guy to be ambitious, but also financially stable.

1) Similar life time goals

I'm not sure what my ultimate goal is, but I would like to live a life that is relatively simple (minimal material possession) and be able to help others who are less fortunate than myself. I want to be able to contribute to sustainable development, whether it be through my work, or through other experiences.

2) Similar views on finances

I see money as a tool to live a lifestyle that is in line with my beliefs. I don't believe that we need a lot of material possessions to lead a full filling life, and I don't want to spend my money on the upkeep of things that do not add value to my life. However, I do see money as a tool to free myself from things that I do not want to do, and pursue my own interests. For instance, nto having to work at a job I do not like simply to pay the bills.

3) Similar respect for culture

My background is Chinese and I was born in Toronto. I think I am very open to new ideas and new cultures, and I think that it is important that my guy also has similar thinking. Whether it be heading out for a night of Indian food, or supporting the Gay Pride Parade.

4) Respect of individuality

I want to be trusted and respected for the decisions that I make. We may discuss it together; however, we may not always agree. This may be a big decision like going back to school, or studying abroad, or maybe a small decision, like buying an expensive pair of shoes (after saving up, of course!).

5) Ambitious and financially stable

Since I am an ambitous person, I find it attractive that my guy is also in the same boat. He doesn't have to super love his job, but he should be proud of what he does, and always aim to improve his skill set and always seek to learn. This was something that I found really unappealing about Hagan Daaz. He was super happy that he could watch 4 episodes of House at work...Yeaa...

I am no gold digger, and don`t think I have super expensive tastes. However, I refuse to support someone who does not try to help themselves. I worked hard to get where I am now, and no one is going to mooche off me. My guy should also be responsible for his finances, and be able to take care of himself, and maybe have some investments. Again, I am not asking for something in a guy that I don`t already do myself.

To summarize, the bar has been raised since my first dating days in high school. However, I think that I myself, have also raised the bar for myself. I hold myself to the same standards that I am looking for. I think that`s fair.

Please Punch Me in the Face if I'm Annoying

I want my guy to punch me in the face if I'm annoying. Figuratively speaking, of course.

I was reading this post from Loayza from Become a Young Successful Entrepreneur. This is a post where he talks about how he determined his girlfriend was the one.

An important point he brought up was to be able to have a fight with his girlfriend. He says that it shows that he cares enough to get into an argument with her. Which raises a very good point for me.

When Almond and I were dating, we hardly every fought (for almost 5 years!). True, we were both very easy going people, but sometimes, I would just get annoyed and snap. But, Almond would not.

If I got annoyed, Almond would try calm me down or try to rationalize with me. But he would never lose his cool with me. If he got mad, he would rather be alone until the anger passed.

I know that different people deal with anger or feelings, in general, differently, but this really bothered me. It bothered me especially more towards the end of our relationship, when I felt like I had to yell or cry just to be heard, and Almond was always as cool as a cucumber.

I really wanted Almond to just get mad at me. To yell at me. For some reason, I felt like this "calm facade" was a shield for him not to reveal his raw emotions to me, and that I wasn't worth the effort to fight.

I did know part of the reason behind this behavior. Almond's parents fought a lot. Almond said that he hated the idea of yelling at me, or losing his temper. He said that he didn't see why we couldn't just speak calmly. He didn't see what yelling or fighting would get accomplished.

For me, this was a main contributor to why we didn't work out. Even though, Almond had his alone moments to sort through his thoughts, he never told me the things that bothered him about me.

It all came out in verbal diarhea that had been suppressed for almost 5 years, after we broke up. Random thoughts that were suppressed that he held against me like a grudge, blaming me for not knowing, because I should have known.

Should have known how he really felt about going to Japan, when he told me it was OK.

Should have known how mad he was when I gave him wrong directions my first week at my new house.

Should have known that he didn't want banana and strawberry smoothies.

And yes, these were the exact examples he brought up! But not once, had he actually told me when we were together. When he was in fact, fuming with anger inside. Men.

And so that concludes my previous experience of having fights in my past relationships. Fast forward to now.

LeBlanc and I haven't had a big fight, yet. There have been annoyances - some bigger than others. Sometimes, I can be annoying, and I can read the signs. Sometimes LeBlanc gets up and physically removes himself from situation because he is annoyed, and he thinks he will snap at me if he doesn't. Sometimes, it is my fault, and sometimes, it's just a bunch of factors.

LeBlanc and I have had some serious talks, and I have asked him to let me know when something is up, or if I do something that upsets him, or if something changes. I think he thinks that this stems from my previous relationship, which it does, but more importantly, I just want to know that I am worth the effort of a fight. Maybe I should be more clear.

What are your thoughts fighting in a relationship?? How do you and your significant other deal with these fights?? How do you think they have helped you and your relationship??

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days. One of those days when things have snowballed during the week, and that one thing, no matter how minute and small, just tips the scale. You need a good cry. You can't solve anything, but bawling your eyes out for a little bit will just help.

Fabulously Broke described it really well in her post, "It's a Girl Thing, Honey." (I actually sent that article to LeBlanc for future reference when I found that post a couple months ago.)

I had a bad week at work last week. A couple days, I was feeling a bit under the weather, and I just called in sick. Then I felt down about that, because I felt like I should be more compassionate about my job. When lately, I've just felt kinda "meh", and I can't imagine myself doing this my entire life. Processing paper work, writing specifications, babysitting clients, putting up with dodgy contractors, etc etc.

Then, of course there was my "I love you" moment with LeBlanc last weekend where I was a little hurt. Not his fault, but it added to my snowball.

Then there was the possibility of LeBlanc going away to The Democratic Republic of Congo for a possible project. It might be for a few months, and we're not sure if he would be able to come back very often. And I was afraid it would just be too hard if we didn't see each other for 4 or 5 months. I would really miss him.

This morning started simply enough. We woke up around 11ish, and LeBlanc promised to make me scrambled eggs and pea meal bacon for breakfast. Some of his friends were visiting, so we went for coffee first, and post poned breakfast until afterwards. (Aside: I get really grouchy when I'm hungry.)

After coffee, we went to buy our breakfast ingredients. But LeBlanc wanted to stop by the Army Surplus store to look for a bday present for his little brother. So we looked a little, but couldn't really find something. I suggested we come back after breakfast. (Yea, I want my food!)

So we're back his apartment, and the kitchen is really quite a dirty mess. Four male consultant roommates. Always working. Never at home. Rarely clean. So LeBlanc starts cleaning, and tells me not to worry about the mess and I can start cooking while he cleans. I start cooking pea meal bacon. Fry tomatoes. Scramble eggs. And some instant curry.

LeBlanc takes a call from his little brother who is doing practice interviews with. His little bro is graduating from college this coming spring and has some upcoming interviews. LeBlanc has been helping him by asking some typical questions, and guiding him with presenting his thought process.

I come downstairs and LeBlanc is on the phone. And this is where bitchy Des enters the scene.

I get upset that I need to wait for him, and kinda stalked off. And then I start to feel the snowball effect of above mentioned events. I take a long shower to suppress the tears and hope that the snow ball will pass. LeBlanc knocks on the door to let me know he's done, but I don't want to come out with my tear stained face.

By the time I leave the washroom, I find the house empty.

I spoon myself a serving of curry and queue up a tv show. Then LeBlanc comes in. With a little "sorry gift" for me. But I'm upset and a brush it away.

LeBlanc: Ouch. Ummm... I'll go get the food.

And he heads upstairs. At this point, I couldn't suppress tears and emotions, and I went to the washroom to cry. I know, I know. I am pathetic, and bitchy.

LeBlanc knocks on the washroom, and can tell I am crying. I finally open the door but I turn off the lights so he doesn't see my tear stained face. (I look absolutely awful when I cry. My eyes are all red and puffy, and smaller than they already are. My nose is red. And my nose is full of snots and I can barely speak cuz I'm all choked up.)

LeBlanc asks to come in, and brings said food into the washroom (on top of the toilet) and hugs me, and asks me what's wrong. When all I could do was sniffle out some snorts.

LeBlanc: When you cry, it scares me.

me: *sniffle* Why?

LeBlanc: I don't know what to do, or why.

LeBlanc suggests we take our food out of the washroom and talk about it in his room, so that our food does not get contaminated.

I still can't really talk, but I try to wipe away my tears, while hiding behind my hair.

LeBlanc: I've never seen you cry before. It's so feminine. You're usually so strong.

me: *sniffles*

LeBlanc: You look cute when you cry.

me: I look terrible!

LeBlanc: You look cute and sexy. You're all pouty.

LeBlanc gives me his "sorry present", again, and I accept it this time.

LeBlanc: I went out to look for a necklace for you, cuz I know you're looking for one. But I'm not very good with buying necklaces. Or clothes. Or shoes. Or sandals. So I got you a little bag, with something in it.

LeBlanc gives me a little wooden ring with blue flowers on it, and places in on my finger. I'm not anymore, and start to loose the lump in my throat. I feel silly and continue to cry into his shoulders, trying not to leave too much snot on his shirt. I'm such a lady.

We eat our long awaited breakfast and watch our new favourite show, The Big Bang Theory.

Afterwards, I explain to him it wasn't really his fault, and tell him about the above mentioned events. Except for the "I love you" part. And we talked things through. And things are a lot better, now. And he recalled the article I sent to him earlier, and asked if it was one of those days. It was indeed.

I wanted to apologize for being such a bitch in the morning when he was just helping out his little brother. But I was afraid I would start bawling, again, so I sent him an e-mail. I hope he understands.

I feel so lucky to have found someone so sweet and caring.

Do you have those days?? How do you deal with them??

I Think I Love You

As you know, I've been thinking it for a while, and recently decided that I was almost ready to tell LeBlanc that I love him.I love him for because he makes me happy. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel special and loved. He is intelligent and ambitious, and yet modest and humble. He is patient. He is sweet and thoughtful. He is kind and gentle. He calms me down when he senses I'm tense. He listens to my crazy ideas of life, and encourages me to pursue said crazy ideas :)

So, I've been having this build up of emotion. It started one day at a traffic light when I was worked up from driving through downtown rush hour traffic. Hate. Doing. That. But he reached over and gave me a squeeze and told me I'm doing great.

Then, there was last weekend when he queued up my favourite Taylor Swift songs on YouTube and sang along, even with his friends around. (He doesn't get embarrassed easily, eh!)

Or how he never gets mad at me even though I've stolen the blanket in the middle of the night from him on several occasions and he's gotten a bit of a cold in the morning.

I like watching him help his little brothers with their homework.

I like that he is proud of my work, and introduces me as a "real" engineer and that I'm "smarter than him" even though, I don't think it's true.

And lately the urge to tell him how I feel has been a bit overwhelming. But...

When was the right time? ...The right place? ...How should I say it? ...Should I be scared of being the first to say it? ...What if he doesn't feel the same way? ...Would he think I'm moving too fast and pushing him away? ...Am I making myself too vulnerable?

But last night, I did it.

He drove me home after dinner with his family at his parents' house. We kissed good night, and I went to grab my bags. Then, I decided that I had to tell him right then, and didn't want to put it off any longer.

I hug him, and say, "I think I love you."

There is a pause, as I think he is digesting my unexpected farewell.

LeBlanc: Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

Another pause.

LeBlanc: I really like you a lot.

me: Ummm. Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

LeBlanc: This is new to me. I've never felt this way before.

me: What's that?

LeBlanc: Felt like I really like someone.

Aside thought: I admit, I was a wee bit dissappointed that he didn't say that he loved me, too. But, I was kinda prepared for the fact that LeBlanc, might not in fact be

1) ready to say it

2) might not feel it

I don't want him to say that if he does not mean it. I don't want him to just say it because I said it. And I appreciate his honesty. I am glad that I was able to tell him how I feel. But, still.

PS. I've been working on a new blog which focuses on personal finance. Join me on my journey to financial freedom at FrugalGirlintheCity.blogspot.com!

The Generation and/ or Cultural Gap

My parents immigrated to Canada almost 30 years ago. My mom was born in Cambodia. Her family was fairly wealthy, but they fled the Khmer Rouge to Hong Kong in the 1960's. My dad was born in Vietnam. His family was poor, but they managed get my dad out of Vietnam to Hong Kong so he didn't have to serve in the Vietnam War. My sisters and I were born in Toronto, and have grown up here our entire lives.

When I think back, and realize how much opportunity my sisters and I have at a better life than my parents. And how hard they have worked to give us those opportunities, I am humbled and truly grateful.

But then there are times, when our views are different on certain subjects, and I feel that I may be hurting them by having a different opinion.

For instance, LeBlanc and I have been planning to take a vacation together. We're thinking of a relaxing stay in Europe (Normandy, France) or strolling along beaches, long walks, bicycle rides, wine, food, and lots of lounging around. Both our jobs are demanding, and we think it would be nice to just have nothing on the schedule, except "us."

I mention this to my parents, and they seemed to take it quite well. (Much to my surprise. So, I called LeBlanc and told him that I really should be giving my parents more credit.)

Then, I get a call from my mom the past Friday. She was very concerned about this trip of mine, she proceeded to dissuade me from going.

The thing is, I get very defensive when I feel someone else's goal is to change my mind. It's an automatic reaction for me, and unfortunately, my listening abilities drop by 50%. All I can hear is "You are wrong. I am right."

My mom was concerned that "something" might happen between LeBlanc and I if we are alone in room together. Since we would most likely be sharing a hotel room. Most likely with one bed.

Did I mention that I am 25 years old? I am.

Anyway, my mom tells me that she doesn't think this type of behaviour (premarital sex) is good. It's not a right path, or reason. It's lustful. If I marry someone, they may not like it. Etc., etc., Basically, it's wrong, and she doesn't think I should do it, and wants me to PROMISE not to.

She pushed a lot of buttons when she was trying to convince me.

1) She thinks I'm being casual by sleeping with someone before marriage.

2) She thinks I've had too many relationships (this is my second serious one)

3) She thinks that "little Chinese girls" are supposed to live at home until they are married, but since I work far, she "lets" me live on my own

4) She thinks my future husband will not accept or like the fact that I've been with othen men before him

It's funny. When we were little, we were told we couldn't or shouldn't do things because we should be getting good grades. In high school, it was so that we can get in a good university. In university, it was so that we could graduate and get a good job. And now that I've done that, the NEW GOAL is the good husband. (I see the trick, I've fallen for it my entire life!)

My mom is a very stubborn woman. And I do believe that children need to have strict rules when they are growing up, because they don't know the difference between right and wrong. However, I am an adult now. And I have been for some time. I've been making my own decisions, whether she realizes that or not, and it's no longer her say.

Last time when I wanted to go on vacation with Almond (I think it was 4 or 5 years ago), she basically had the same "calm" talk with me. She states her reasons, and then expects you to agree with them. I stated my reasons, too, and I told her that I still wanted to go, that I didn't agree with her on her reasons.

She. Freaked. Out. She got very, very angry. And she hit way below the belt. She pretty much dared me to go. To go against her will.

And I didn't. Almond didn't want to go anymore. Who wants to have that kind of an axe over their neck?!

And my biggest fear was that she was going to pull the same stunt this trip. I'm not expecting her to agree with me, or be encouraging of my trip. But, she should know that it's not her say, anymore.

I was very upset with the phonecall. I reminded her of what happened last time. And I asked her that if she pulled something like that, how am I supposed to respect her?

If we are both adults, we are both entitled to our own opinions and our own decisions. We may agree on some issues, and we will disagree on others, but she cannot force me to agree with her. She can't threaten me into agreeing with her. I lost a lot of faith, when she stooped to that level last time, and it hasn't been completely restored to this day.

If she really did want me to think about it. I will. But I might not change my mind. And if I don't. She has to respect that. She can't throw a fit, and threaten myself or LeBlanc.

I've been talking this over with my sisters, my friends, and LeBlanc (though LeBlanc doesn't know all the details of the past), and I guess I need to man up and have a conversation with my mom. Calmly. Even if it hurts her, that her daughter is a grown woman now. I'm not innocent and naive. And if I want to sleep with someone who is special to me, that is my decision, and my decision alone.

I know it exposes me to be hurt. And even though I hurt like hell, through the break up with Almond. I don't regret it. And in the end, I know I've become a better person. I stronger person. A smarter person. And a more forgiving person. I may not be young and naive, or "pure and innocent", but I'm a better person. And whoever my husband will be, he'll be someone is accepting of everything about me.

So, I've decided to head home on Canada Day and confront this (and grab my passport, as well). Wish me luck!!!

Do you currently face any generation or cultural gaps with your parents or elders???

I Miss Him

LeBlanc is in London right now, 5 hours ahead.  Even though I spent the entire weekend with him (minus Saturday morning when I had to work, but he was sleeping, anyway), it didn't really hit me that he was leaving. 

It didn't hit me, when we cleaned up the kitchen.  (Mostly him, I hate cleaning other people's messes.  I would run downstairs and bring him the broom, so he can sweep, as I perched on a stool and point out spots he missed!  haha!)  

And it didn't hit me when he did his 3 loads of laundry.  Or when I helped him sort out his 3 loads of laundry and pack his bags.  Or when some of his friends came to hang out at his patio and he kept saying, "I don't want to go!"  Or when I drove him to his office to pick up dry cleaning.  Or when I drove him home to see his family for a little bit before his flight.  Or when his limo came to pick him up.  Or when he hugged me, and kissed my forehead, as his family was standing around us.

None of this really hit me.

It wasn't until after he left, and I started the drive home.  I stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas, turned the corner, and the radio played the song, "Music of my Heart" by NSync and Gloria Estetan.  And then, I started crying.  I haven't heard that song in ages, and it's not like we have a "song" or anything.  Maybe it was the lyrics.  I just felt like I would miss him.  A lot.  

I haven't missed someone like this in a while, and the feeling scares me a little.  It's a little overwhelming the reign he has on my emotions.  After Almond, I've kept my feelings guarded, but this feeling just happened.  

Would he miss me?  Is he sobbing pathetically while NSync is blasting from the radio?  

I miss him.  

Who do you miss right now???

I think I`m falling...

I know that I`ve kept my guard up with LeBlanc.  

But I think I`m really starting to fall for him.  It scares me, and it excites me at the same time.  That I can feel that way, again.  

It has been seeping it`s way into me these past few weeks.  It kinda hit me yesterday, when we were driving, and I was tense.  (I really hate driving downtown)  He reached over and it just relaxed me, then he told me I was doing a great job.  Then, afterwards when we went for dinner, and the way he looks at me.  The way he reached over the table and plays with my fingers.   

It`s really hard to for me to admit something like this.  I`m not sure why.  But I`m loving this feeling.  

What are the things that are hard for you to admit???

Norway... and some bad memories

LeBlanc might have his upcoming project in Norway.

He asked me on my thoughts about it, or as he put it, "Just wanted to run it by you, Des."  

I was excited and happy about it for him.  It's a project that he's really interested in, and something we both care about - sustainability.  I was also secretly happy he asked me, even though I wasn't going to say anything to stop him. 

Even though, I will miss him, I think this is a great opportunity.  I think I need to tell him that.  The "I miss him" part. 

LeBlanc was posted in Calgary when we started dating.  We would see each other once a week, and talk a couple of times a week on the phone.  I'm not a huge phone person, but I do like a quick chat to get a glimpse into his day, and I would want him to care about mine, too. 

When LeBlanc asked me what I thought, my first thought was back to this incident with Almond.

........................................................................................

He had really wanted to go on a trip with his friend to Japan for a few weeks.  On hindsight, I was selfish and I had apologized for it, but I realize three years later, that he probably never really forgave me.

Almond had asked me for my honest opinion, if I wanted him to go.  Being young, naive and selfish, I said, I wanted to go with him, and I thought that I would miss him too much if he went without me.  Silly, I know.  But at that moment, it felt like the end of the world if he left.  

Almond didn't go.  

After realizing my mistake, I apologized profusely.  I felt terrible.  I was supposed to be supportive, and instead, I was the opposite. 

Almond told me that it was ok.  That everything was fine.  That his parents probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.

Fast forward three years, we're sitting his car talking about his graduation plans.  He had been talking about moving to Cali for almost a month. Not once did he ask for my thoughts on it.

Almond:  I'm thinking of moving to California (Silicon Valley) to look for a job.  They have the best jobs in my field.  You can come down with me.  I'm sure they have jobs in your field there. 

...

Des:  You can't just assume that I will follow you.  You never even asked me my thoughts on it.

Almond:  Well, I already gave up my dreams for you, once.  I don't want to have to do it, again.

Des:  What's that supposed to mean?!

Almond:  Remember when I wanted to go to Japan, and you said that you didn't want me to go?  Going to Japan has been one of my life dreams, and I gave that up for you.  I don't want to have to give up everything for you.

Des:  What?!?!  How can you blame that on me?

Almond:  Well, you said you didn't want me to go, and I didn't.  But I'm not going to do it, again.

I remember my heart literally hurting.  I felt like I was slapped in the face.  I was sorry, and I had apologized right away after the incident 3 years ago, but Almond had assured me that he didn't have the money and his parent's probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.  On hind sight, I think he said that so I wouldn't feel bad at the time.  But I had no idea that he resented me for it.

I know that LeBlanc and Almond are very different, and one of the reasons that I'm drawn to LeBlanc is his straight up attitude.  But I don't want to be resented from someone I care about.  It really hurt.  What hurt the most was that when Almond resented me for so long for that Japan trip, and I had no clue.  I really thought that he had forgiven me.  

What's the most hurtful grudge that someone you cared about you has carried???

Relationships: now vs before

My computer died almost a month ago, and I've been dilly dally-ing and taking my sweet time looking for a new one.  (Hence, the one I have now is AWESOME and I got it for a sweet price - $599.99 CND, baby!)  It's got the pattern below on the cover, but I can't seem to find the inside part with the same design along the bottom.

Nothing too crazy has been happnening in my life, and I did not want to bore you with the details of my new relationship.  Gushy over what a great guy he is.  I think it's more interesting to talk about the parts I'm uncertain about and mull over while I over analyze everything.  But, really, he is a great guy, and we've been having a lot of fun over the past little while.  AND he is even got a little romantic side, too.

Thanks to my readers (I'm sure there's only a couple of you out there) for checking back.  The funny thing was that I got comments on my bday, and even though you guys don't know it, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.  **Waves to Greears and Andy**  

Just a quick reminder.  Almond is my ex, whom I dated for almost 5 years from high school to third year in university.  LeBlanc is the guy I'm dating now :)

So, now that LeBlanc and I have been dating since November-ish and "officialized" it in February, when he told me that he was going to start referring to me as his girlfriend, we've had our share of misunderstandings and moments.  It's interesting to look back and reflect on how I look at this relationship, and how I look at how I deal with our mishaps.

Last night, one of my girlfriends and I were comparing the me's before and after.

When I first dated Almond back in high school, I had not gone out much (strict Asian parents, I tell you!).  Everything was new with Almond.  First walk home.  First hand holding.  First kiss.  First touch.  Much like in Twilight.

 

Then after Almond, I hadn't really been in a relationship for very long.  I had dated my share of guys.  None had made it to the "boyfriend" level, with the exception of Hagan Daaz.  Most of them were nice guys, a couple were jerks.  Such is the single life.  Le sigh.  

What I found was the nice guys seemed too nice.  Too proper.  That I felt like I should like them, but I didn't.  I wanted someone who would make me laugh, not be afraid to tease me, and someone who made me excited to be around.  I remember one really nice chap, would always ask me out to do things.  And he would really put a lot thought into where it was, whether it be out for dinner or a picnic, or a movie.  But it felt like he treated me like a piece of glass, afraid I would break.  I'm actually a very easy going person, and not too many things would offend me.  So I guess he was just nervous.

Anyhow, all I'm saying is that I haven't really had, what I refer to as, "transitional" relationships.  You know, high school relationship(s), university relationship(s), post secondary relationship(s).  I believe that since we are all at different times in our lives, we also veiw our relationships differently and treat them accordingly.

For instance, phone time.  I remember in high school, Almond and I would stay up all night talking.  It felt like whatever we had to say, we just needed to say, at that very moment.  I mean, what the hell did we talk about til 3, 4, 5 or a couple of times, 6 a.m., in the morning?!  Now I look back, and I can't remember / imagine what it was that we talked about.  

Now, I would much rather sleep.  Although, I like it when LeBlanc calls in the check how my day was or what I am up to (though he does not do this every night).  But when 11:00 p.m rolls around, I'm ready to say good night and hello to my beauty sleep :)

Another thing was my security in myself and my phsyical appearance.  See, I've never been one to really dress up, or be the girly girl type.  It was more out of necessity, than choice.  When I was little, I would wear the hand-me downs from my parents' friends' kids (who were all boys, might I add.)  Then, in middle and high school, I never had the money to buy all those fancy clothes because I knew I had to save to pay for university.  

So imagine my surprise and rush of adreneline when Almond told me he thought I was pretty.  And not just pretty, he thought I was the prettiest girl in the world (naive, I know).  The conversation probably went something like this:

Almond:  Des, I think you're so pretty.

Des: Really??  You think I'm pretty??  No one has ever told me that before.  

Des (in my head): Aside from my mom.

(Stomach does summer saults and has a grin that stretches the circumference of my face.)

Almond:  I think you're gorgeous.

Des melts.

Though I'm not the type to ask constantly, I remember thinking to myself:  Does he really think I'm pretty?  How pretty?  Prettier than her??

Le sigh.  Such is the insecure life of a teenager. 

Anyhow, with LeBlanc, I don't believe I've ever questioned it.  I just assumed that he thought I was pretty and attractive.  lol.  Seriosly, but not in a I-am-full-of-myself kind of way.  I just feel more comfortable in my body, and I have also learned to buy clothes that fit my body (hooray for having cash flow!  Engineering paid off!).  Besides, he must be with me for a reason (aside from my uber intelligence and awesome personality, of course).  

Though, he has told me on several occasions he thinks I am pretty hot, or pretty.  (Which I don't think are the same thing.  I would much rather be called pretty than "hot.")

And the list goes on.  

LeBlanc knows that I'm grouchy when I'm either sleepy or hungry.  I don't think Almond ever knew that.  I guess I wasn't afraid to let LeBlanc know or afraid that he wouldn't like me because of it.  Besides, it would take too much effort to mask those characteristics, and I am usually quite pleasant to be around.  Not to mention that LeBlanc is also not a morning person. 

With Almond, I felt like I had to know everything about his past.  But with LeBlanc, it's not that I don't want to know, I just don't know if that will really make a difference.  We did talk a bit about our past, and he knows about Almond.  I wanted to know if LeBlanc had any unresolved issues.  Aside from that, we talked about STD's, and other health issues.  

With Almond, I remember having to know if he was "the one."  The person I wanted to eventually marry, one day.  Or else, it might not be worth having a relationship with.  And maybe, because of that, I just convinced that he was "the one," and I didn't look at all the things that we did not have in common.  

For instance, the way we spend money, and the things that we spend it on.  Also, we had different views of our careers, and what we want it to mean.  Right now, I don't think that far ahead.  It's not to say, that it doesn't cross my mind with LeBlanc, it's just something that I'm not focused on.  I'm more focused on enjoying the present and just let the future happen without worrying over it, too much.

I remember I felt with Almond that I wanted to just be with him every moment.  And in doing so, I now realize that I neglectged a lot of my identity in the process.  I didn't take the time to discover myself and my interests during my in university (which is something I think everyone should be doing.)  I spent too much of doing homework and hanging out with Almond in my little spare time.  Though, most of them were great times, time apart to discover yourself is definitely something that I would advocate. 

It wasn't until after we broke up that I started to find activities to do to fill up my void of time.  I remember spending more time with family and friends.  Spending more time joining clubs and sports.  I went traveling and I went on exchange to Singapore (which was where I met LeBlanc, surprising, enough.)  In our time apart, as painful as it was sometimes, I learned that there was a whole other side of me that had nothing to do with Almond.  And that part was special, too. 

I felt like I had taken a while to discover my identity, again.  An identity that was just me.  Me, my family and my friends.  A big fear of mine, is that I would lose this identity if I get too absorbed in another guy.  I need my "me time" and time apart.  I no longer feel that I have to be perfectly in sync with my boyfriend.  We can have different interests, as well, as some common ones.  It's a balance, that I'm still juggling.  But I think that I'm doing a much better job of it now, then before.  

I also explained this to LeBlanc.  And he said that was one of the things that he liked about me :)  He would never want me to lose my identity, and if I didn't want to certain things with him, or want some alone time, I could let him know. 

Another part of me that's changed is how I view the guy.  I don't expect him to be perfect.  Actually, I know that LeBlanc and I are both far from perfect.  But I've also learned to compromise on things that are not as important to me, and pick my battles.  I've also learned that I'm not always right (just most of the time, though ;]).  I've also learned that even if I am right, I can still let the guy off the hook.  Story to follow.  

I think that's enough emotional thoughts for a Saturday morning!

I apologize for neglecting my blog, as of late.  Thanks for checking back, Andy and Greears :)  It's very encouraging, and I promise to stop by and do some catching up on your lives!  *hugs*  

I Can't Hate

Looking back on my life, I have come to the conclusion that I can't hate anyone. I can dislike, I can be indifferent, I can love, I can like, but I cannot hate.

Having said that, I have come close at times. I can safely say there have been two people in my life who have hurt me so deeply that it has taken me years to heal. Almond being one of them. And my first ever, best friend, being the other.

My first best friend, let's call her, Vivi. We met in kindergarten, and we instantly bonded. I moved away when I was in grade 7. And I know, friends come and go. But she was my best friend, and I thought that our friendship was stronger than that. Of course, at that age, friends at school were everything. So we both made new "best friends" at our own schools, but were still each other's best friends.

I know, it's silly. Even at that age, I know that friends drift apart. That's normal. However, we still saw each other every Saturday at Chinese school, and we hung out at recess, as we usually did. Then, one day, she hung out with some other girls at recess. And then she started to sit with them. And not invite me.

I asked her if she was mad at me. At first she brushed off my questions, with answers, such as, "Well, I've hung out with you at recess since kindergarten, I wanted to meet other people." Which, made sense to me. But I was still hurt. Then, it became clear to me, that I just wasn't cool enough for her.

I was very, very sad. This loss of friendship broke my little heart. I had no idea what I did wrong. I tried talking to her at school. Calling her. Asking her what I did wrong so I could apologize, and we could be friends, again. I don't remember her giving me an explanation. She said she wasn't mad at me, but she just didn't want to be friends, anymore.

I remember feeling so lost without a best friend. Without someone to whom I can share my deepest secrets, and dreams with. I remember dreaming about it, for years afterwards. That she would ask me to be friends with her again. And I would always, always forgive her. And we would go on laughing and joking like nothing had come between us.

And if she were to ask me today, I'm sure I would say the same thing.

My second "break up" was with Almond. As you have probably read in my previous posts about him, he broke up with me without much of a reason, or explanation.

He sent me angry emails when I said I needed to be alone. His email to me the first Christmas after we broke up was horrible. I have never been able to read it again. But it was demeaning. It was a complete guilt trip. It was very, very cruel. And, it was way, way below the belt.

Keep in mind that he was the one who wanted to break up. Basically, he was frustrated that he didn't get much of a reaction from me. Apparently, I was supposed to fight for him to come back, and ask him to reconsider or beg him to stay, or something to that effect. Me trying to respect his decision and moving on, was not what he had expected.

Since our breakup, I have never said one hurtful thing to him. It wasn't until about 5 months ago, when we decided to communicate again, that I realized how much anger I was really keeping pent up inside. (This was shortly after Haagan Daz and I broke up). He canceled out on our meeting, and that was the moment I realized I was PISSED. Even after everything, he initiates a meeting and gets to make the call to cancel last minute?!?! No F*in way.

I penned out my anger in a very angry email addressed to him.

Addressing all the hurt that I had kept inside for the last two years. The time which I had tried to move on. Had tried to forget about all the hurt. Had tried to stop hoping that things between us would (maybe, by some miracle) go back to how it was before. That I would be able to feel that way about someone else.

I lashed out in my writing at how immature he was. How much hurt he caused me. I was angry that during out time together, I tried to reach out to him but he bottled things up and let things explode without ever trying to talk to me about it. I lashed out at how he was immature, whiny and depressing, and I still tried my best to cheer him up, and loved him all the same. Thinking and believing we would get through this because we loved each other.

I bitched about how even after our break up, I was still a friend to him, when he had no one else to turn to, because I genuinely cared about him, but partly why he was being my friend, was so that he could "see if things were going somewhere."

I bitched at how he would seem like a lost puppy one minute, saying that he knew it was unfair to ask me to wait until he was ready for a relationship. That I was the best thing that happened t him, and I was so important to him, but he had NO F*KN idea when he was ready for a relationship again. Then a month later his FB profile is plastered with him a new GF.

It made me so angry!

And I wrote it all out in the email to him. Bitching my heart out. Pouring out the anger that I had kept inside because I DIDN'T WANT TO HATE HIM, or hurt him. And now I wanted to hurt him. I wanted hurt him as much as he hurt me. Wanted to see how he lost someone so great because he was a moron and idiot. The anger I first felt almost 2 years ago, were flooding back to me in that email.

I sent the email to my one of my firlfriends. Then, I saved it. I knew I was in no condition to send something to Almond. And I went to sleep.

I looked at the email a couple days later, after I had calmed down.

And I realized that my email, sounded a lot like the one he sent me 3 Christmases ago.

It was angry. It was blaming. It was immature. But most of all it was hurtful.

And I realized, that no matter how angry I felt at the moment. No matter how hurt I was, that he could still stir up so many emotions after this long. I realized, I didn't want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I don't want to hit below the belt. I didn't want to hate him. I just so desperately wanted to move on. And I just wanted to know why it was so hard.

Even now. I find it hard to completely trust anyone. But I also know these things take time. I am more careful with my heart, and want to be careful that I don't guard it so much that I don't give other's a chance to see it.

Very Different

LeBlanc is very different from any of the guys I've dated before. Tres different from Almond, and that was one of the things that drew me to him. And the fact that I was at a point in my life where I thought that I should stop thinking so much, and just enjoy it!

I feel very comfortable with LeBlanc. He knows that I get grouchy when I'm hungry. Or how I ramble on incoherently when I first wake up. That I prefer staying in than going out. That I can eat as fast as him, though not as much. That my sarcasm can match his. That I can burn frozen dinner, but also be able to roast an entire chicken. hehe.

We didn't realize before, but we have very similar interests and outlooks on life. He's also the oldest of three siblings, and when I met his family over dinner a few weeks ago, his little brother was so happy to see him. They didn't stop talking and it reminded of me and my sisters. It was absolutely adorable :) We both love food, and he is not afraid to try anything new.

When he came over for the first time, I was so flustered, I burnt the frozen dumplings I was cooking for him. So, he thought that I couldn't cook. But he was sweet about it.

LeBlanc: Des, you look flustered.
me: Well, I kinda burnt the frozen dumplings.

(Parts of them were actually black. I had made dumplings millions of times before this, mind you.)

LeBlanc: Oh, that's ok. That's how I like my dumplings.
me: You like them burnt?
LeBlanc: Exactly. Perfect burntness. Yumm.

Maybe that's why he always offers to cook. Until I made him dinner on Valentine's Day. I am proud to say I roasted an entire chicken. Roasted chicken and potatoes with garlic and rosemary. Very yummy. And easy.

LeBlanc got us tickets to see the musical - The Sound of Music. A little bit into the show, I turn to ask LeBlanc something. And I notice he starting to doze... I poke him. He dozes in random parts - the boring parts, he assures me. And I prod and kick him when I notice it. I felt a little bad that he was missing out, or maybe he wasn't enjoying it.

At the end of the night, I ask him.

me: Did you have fun tonight? I feel kinda bad. I feel like you wasted your money because you were asleep. Or bored.
LeBlanc: Des, I think I got a good amount of musical tonight. I don't enjoy them as much as you, but I think that I was awake for the most enjoyable parts. So I optimized my awake time.
me: And the parts you were sleeping?
LeBlanc: They weren't that interesting. To me. Talking bores me. But the set was awesome!!!

(Note: If you bring a guy to a musical, make sure it has an awesome set, it will distract them from the boring bits.)

LeBlanc: Besides, I had great company. It was a great atmosphere. Great music. Singing, dancing. It was a pretty fun Valentine's Day, if you ask me. Don't feel bad, Des. I have a short attention span. I'm glad you liked the musical.

Things with LeBlanc are going well. I'm pretty content right now. Who would have thunk LeBlanc would be such a sweetheart? I certainly didn't think so when he was making fun of me non-stop when we first traveled together. Boys.

One Step at at Time

I've always been someone who likes to have a plan, to know where I'm going, and where I am at the moment. I guess, one thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be that person all the time, because, frankly, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going and where I want to end up.

I just know one thing. The most important thing to me is to be happy. To be content. To be able to spend time with the people I care about. To do the things that I want to do. To be able to find satisfaction in my work.

I used to think of myself as someone who had "it" together. To be honest, I used to imagine myself as one of those people who find their true love in high school, and then get married after college and live happily ever after. And when you see yourself like that for a while, it's hard to convince yourself that, "No, you didn't 'fail'. It just didn't work out." As silly as that might sound to you.

I guess in my relatively short time of dating, I feel as though I've learned more about what I don't want than what I want.

I don't want someone who is arrogant. Biggest turn off. Ever. I was in Singapore and one of my classmates asked me out for dinner and a movie. "Wahoo!" I thought, "My first date in a foreign country." After the movie, we went out for dinner and he spent 95% of that time telling me about how great he was, and all the important people who he knew. Yawn.

I also realize that I can be with the nicest guy in the world, and there would be no chemistry whatsoever. I had no urge to kiss them, and thought of what I would do, should they try to lean in for a kiss. Which also brings the question, why do girls not like nice guys? Is it really because they make it too easy or show all their cards? I don't know. I really wanted to like a nice guy, though.

I realize that education and career goals do matter to me. Even though I'm not attracted to a work-a-holic, I have a lot more respect for someone who has career goals, or life goals. Someone who tells how great it is that they are watching episodes of House at work, doesn't float well with me. (Haagan Daz)

I also learned that I could really like a guy because he's smart, attractive, fun and still have this teeny tiny bit of hope, even when he turns out to be a jerk. Why?! I don't know. (Don't worry, that phase has passed.)

With LeBlanc right now, I have no plan. I don't know where we're going. Where we are, though, is good for me right now. We're dating. We see each other about once a week. I get massages, and flowers :) I like this testing period.

Last week, I went over and he cooked me dinner. Shepherd's pie :) And the weekend before I made him dumplings (frozen ones).

I like this part of dating, I feel like I'm testing him out (for lack of a better term), and I haven't really found anything that I don't like.

Neither of us are big phone people, though we do talk about once a week. I wonder if that's a no-no. I remember I used to talk to Almond for hours on the phone. Every relationship is different, and I'm trying to just do what I feel comfortable with, instead of over analyzing and over thinking everything. Have I turned into a non-phone person?

I know that I don't feel like I'm crazy about him - in that way where I can't think of anything else. That's not to say that I don't think about him (quite a bit more now, actually), and I look forward to seeing him. But... is this how things start? Am I taking baby steps?

Call me crazy, but a part of me is thinking that I might find something that I won't like, or he might find me utterly boring, and it will be "the end". Yea, I am quite the optimist, aren't I?

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays :)

I realize how truly blessed I am to be able to celebrate my holidays with family and loved ones.

Even with kinks and bumps along the road, my family has always managed to be there for me, every step of the way. For that, I am eternally grateful.

This Christmas was my first grown up Christmas. That means that instead of getting 2 weeks off, I only get two and a half days off. Le sigh. But, it also makes me want choose who I want to spend that time with.

The day before Christmas Eve, who do I run into at the bus stop, but Almond. I see him as he is running to catch the bus, and I just got off. He stops to chat.

I was feeling a bit awkward, and pointed out that his bus was leaving. Even though I knew it came by often. He said, that he could take the next one. He asked how I was. Usual small talk. I wished him a Merry Christmas. He said it was nice seeing me.

I got an email from him a few days ago.

from: Almond
to: Des
date: Fri, Dec 26, 2008 at 12:39 AM
subject: Merry Christmas

Hi Des,

It was nice to see you again the other day. Just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. I hope everything is going well for you.

Sincerely,
Almond

I know I should have responded earlier, but a part of me just wasn't sure what to say.

The thing that I realize now is, that I'm not mad at him anymore. I'm not bitter anymore. In fact, I'm just really sad.

Really sad that our relationship ended the way it did, and that there is nothing in the world that can make that better. So many times, I had wished that he could say those things to me that I desperately wanted to hear, and that somehow, things would be better. But, I now realize that there are no such words.

What we had is gone. He can't bring it back. And neither can I. It isn't so much that I miss him, or that I miss our relationship. It's that I miss who we were and what we had. But I can't go backwards. I can't unlearn what I have learned throughout our relationship, and our break up. I am no longer that naive, innocent, wide eyed girl.

But I know what it was like to be in love. And I also know what it's like to have my heart broken. Perhaps the memories are all that really exist.

I know that I could have responded with something that was impersonal. However, I decided to give him a glimpse into my life. And I didn't ask him a question so he could chose to respond however he chooses to.


from: Des
to: Almond
date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 4:39 PM
subject: Re: Merry Christmas

Hey Almond,

Thanks for the Christmas wishes. I hope you had a nice Christmas with your family. It was nice seeing you again, as well.

I'm not sure if your holiday has ended yet, mine were pretty short. I guess that comes with being a grown up :P. I'm still juggling this post graduation-work reality. I hope you are doing well.

All the best in the new year!


Des

All I know is that, Almond is in the past. He was a huge part of my past, but that is where he belongs. He helped me become the person I am today, and I am grateful. I know that I was a big part of his life, too, and I am glad that in the time we had together, we were able to make each other happy.

It is what it is...

I'm sitting here watching the latest episode of Ugly Betty, and sometimes, she reminds me so much of myself. The part of her that's responsible and serious. Sometimes, I think that I'm just too serious and responsible.

I know it's cliche, but I guess a part of me if going through some kind of quarter life crisis. Maybe crisis is a bit of a strong word. I guess I've been working full time for about 6 months. I feel like I don't really know anything. That my time is being billed to projects that I really don't know that much about. I guess I need to learn to ask for help more.

I come home and I'm tired, and most of the time, I don't feel like doing much. In fact, I'm so afraid that I'm just going to be coming home, eating and sleeping. Gah!! That's why I need to keep doing sports -- but my last soccer game is next Wednesday, and that's it. Until next season starts in January.

I understand why people gain weight so easily. It didn't really happen to me in university, and I don't want it to happen to me now. That should be motivation enough to get out and do things. And yet, it's so easy to stay in.

A part of me is questioning -- is this it?!

Sometimes I feel like I know what I don't want, and don't really know what I want. I feel like I had done all the right things. I've always acted smart and responsibly, and now I'm wondering where it got me. I never did drugs, never even smoked a cigarette, always got good grades, finished at the top of my class in high school, had a boyfriend who was a good guy, finished my degree in engineering, traveled in my undergrad to places I never knew existed, have a good job.

Now what?

Should there be more? Or should I be happier? I feel like I am in such a great place in my life right now, but I don't really know how to enjoy it. I feel like it should feel different. And I really feel scared. And confused.

It's like I always knew what the next step was. After high school, it was university. After university it was work. And now that I'm here, I'm not sure if this is really where I want to be for the rest of my life. Which is the really scary part. I think that I can be happy right now, but I'm kinda worried about being happy forever here.

Which I guess, is silly. Now that I'm writing it out.

I think that a part of me is exploring that part with LeBlanc. The "before" Des does not do stuff like have slumber parties with guys that I just started seeing. That Des does not allow him to touch me. That Des usually plays it safe until she eventually gets bored cuz there is no excitement. Or maybe it's just cuz I haven't met someone who excites me, yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about LeBlanc. A part of me likes parts of him. Who can really complain when he's such a great kisser? Another part of me likes our random talks walking back from the movies or from dinner. Another part of me is drawn to his care-free persona because that means that I don't have to feel like I'm tied down, or that I have to have things figured out.

A part of me is scared that I might start expecting more or want this to go farther than what it is now. LeBlanc is not exactly Mr. Commitment. And even though, I can't call myself Ms. Commitment.

I just don't want to be disappointed.

A part of me feels like I'm being the carefree, careless person that I wasn't when I was in high school or university. When I think about it (which isn't really too hard for me to do), I question what kind of a message I am sending him.

It's probably not a really good one. But then, LeBlanc is one of the least judgmental people I know. I hope he hasn't judged me too much.

He asked me to go to his work Christmas party next week.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, still. But I think I'm ok with that for now. Defining something doesn't change how I do or don't feel about a situation. I think I'm just going to go with it for now. At least, try to, anyway.

me: So. I'm not sure exactly what we are or not, and that's why I'm confused. I usually like to have things clearly defined. And I believe that is not us.

LeBlanc: Would you prefer to define this?

me: Um... I'm not sure if that makes it easier or if that helps. I like how things are now. I don't like to have expectations because it just makes things complicated.

LeBlanc: What sort of expectations would you have?

me: I don't know. I like hanging out with you. Believe it or not, I don't usually have slumber parties at my guy friends' houses. I'm kinda confused at my actions.

LeBlanc: Well, we aren't exactly just friends.

me: I know. I don't know what we are. I like hanging out with you, and I like certain aspects of you. But I don't want to ruin it by having expectations.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations would you have?

me: I'm not sure. Would this be a regular occurrence? This once a week thing. Phone calls. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can talk to you on the phone, you talk so slow. You might put me to sleep, or I might bore you.

LeBlanc: I think I like this once a week thing. I would like to continue it. The phone. I can do phone calls. I would let you know if you were boring me.

me: Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that.

LeBlanc: What I meant was that I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. I would let you know.

me: Oh.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations did you have of me before?

me: Honestly?

LeBlanc: Yes.

me: Ok. Don't take this the wrong way. They weren't very high. I kinda have this expectation for you. You -- in the general sense. General sense, meaning, like my guy friends. And half the times, they don't keep their plans. It's just too much work to get angry when they cancel, that I just don't expect them really keep them. I know they don't mean to disappoint, and I don't like to get mad. So it's kinda a win-win situation.

LeBlanc: So you had some low expectations of me?

me: Not you per se. You in the general sense. Please don't take it the wrong way.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations do you have of me now?

me: I'm not sure.

I don't think we figured much out that talk. I told him what was on my mind, and I'm glad that we talked about it. I don't really like to have things weigh on me, and it helped me realize a couple of things. One of them being that I can talk to LeBlanc and he's a pretty good listener to my mumble jumble.

Things seem to be a bit awkward the next morning. He doesn't hold my hand, and then, I'm not so sure that this really is going anywhere. Or if it can.

The subway was a short ride. At his stop, we part ways.

me: So. Are you going to tell me what to expect? I don't like surprises.

LeBlanc: I.... I think that we're going to be ok, Des.

me: Huh?! What's that mean?

LeBlanc: I think that it's ok to have higher expectations.

Then he kissed me goodbye.

So, I'm supposed to let him know about his Christmas dinner next weekend. He's staying in Calgary this weekend, and I'm heading out to Ottawa to visit my sister.

LeBlanc: Do you want to come with me to my work's Christmas party?

me: Ummm. Isn't it a 60's theme? I don't have an afro.

LeBlanc: That's ok.

me: I think I'm supposed to go home. Can I let you know later?

LeBlanc: Sure.

me: So, I'm going to recycle a line that you used.

LeBlanc: What's that?

me: 'So, I didn't make you feel so awkward that you never want to see me, again?'

LeBlanc: I said that?!

me: Yep.

LeBlanc: And what was your response.

me: I think I said, "okay..."

LeBlanc: That's a good answer.

me: Good night.

I'm not sure why I like to re-write parts of our conversations. Maybe I just like reading them :)

I think I'm okay.