I Can't Hate

Looking back on my life, I have come to the conclusion that I can't hate anyone. I can dislike, I can be indifferent, I can love, I can like, but I cannot hate.

Having said that, I have come close at times. I can safely say there have been two people in my life who have hurt me so deeply that it has taken me years to heal. Almond being one of them. And my first ever, best friend, being the other.

My first best friend, let's call her, Vivi. We met in kindergarten, and we instantly bonded. I moved away when I was in grade 7. And I know, friends come and go. But she was my best friend, and I thought that our friendship was stronger than that. Of course, at that age, friends at school were everything. So we both made new "best friends" at our own schools, but were still each other's best friends.

I know, it's silly. Even at that age, I know that friends drift apart. That's normal. However, we still saw each other every Saturday at Chinese school, and we hung out at recess, as we usually did. Then, one day, she hung out with some other girls at recess. And then she started to sit with them. And not invite me.

I asked her if she was mad at me. At first she brushed off my questions, with answers, such as, "Well, I've hung out with you at recess since kindergarten, I wanted to meet other people." Which, made sense to me. But I was still hurt. Then, it became clear to me, that I just wasn't cool enough for her.

I was very, very sad. This loss of friendship broke my little heart. I had no idea what I did wrong. I tried talking to her at school. Calling her. Asking her what I did wrong so I could apologize, and we could be friends, again. I don't remember her giving me an explanation. She said she wasn't mad at me, but she just didn't want to be friends, anymore.

I remember feeling so lost without a best friend. Without someone to whom I can share my deepest secrets, and dreams with. I remember dreaming about it, for years afterwards. That she would ask me to be friends with her again. And I would always, always forgive her. And we would go on laughing and joking like nothing had come between us.

And if she were to ask me today, I'm sure I would say the same thing.

My second "break up" was with Almond. As you have probably read in my previous posts about him, he broke up with me without much of a reason, or explanation.

He sent me angry emails when I said I needed to be alone. His email to me the first Christmas after we broke up was horrible. I have never been able to read it again. But it was demeaning. It was a complete guilt trip. It was very, very cruel. And, it was way, way below the belt.

Keep in mind that he was the one who wanted to break up. Basically, he was frustrated that he didn't get much of a reaction from me. Apparently, I was supposed to fight for him to come back, and ask him to reconsider or beg him to stay, or something to that effect. Me trying to respect his decision and moving on, was not what he had expected.

Since our breakup, I have never said one hurtful thing to him. It wasn't until about 5 months ago, when we decided to communicate again, that I realized how much anger I was really keeping pent up inside. (This was shortly after Haagan Daz and I broke up). He canceled out on our meeting, and that was the moment I realized I was PISSED. Even after everything, he initiates a meeting and gets to make the call to cancel last minute?!?! No F*in way.

I penned out my anger in a very angry email addressed to him.

Addressing all the hurt that I had kept inside for the last two years. The time which I had tried to move on. Had tried to forget about all the hurt. Had tried to stop hoping that things between us would (maybe, by some miracle) go back to how it was before. That I would be able to feel that way about someone else.

I lashed out in my writing at how immature he was. How much hurt he caused me. I was angry that during out time together, I tried to reach out to him but he bottled things up and let things explode without ever trying to talk to me about it. I lashed out at how he was immature, whiny and depressing, and I still tried my best to cheer him up, and loved him all the same. Thinking and believing we would get through this because we loved each other.

I bitched about how even after our break up, I was still a friend to him, when he had no one else to turn to, because I genuinely cared about him, but partly why he was being my friend, was so that he could "see if things were going somewhere."

I bitched at how he would seem like a lost puppy one minute, saying that he knew it was unfair to ask me to wait until he was ready for a relationship. That I was the best thing that happened t him, and I was so important to him, but he had NO F*KN idea when he was ready for a relationship again. Then a month later his FB profile is plastered with him a new GF.

It made me so angry!

And I wrote it all out in the email to him. Bitching my heart out. Pouring out the anger that I had kept inside because I DIDN'T WANT TO HATE HIM, or hurt him. And now I wanted to hurt him. I wanted hurt him as much as he hurt me. Wanted to see how he lost someone so great because he was a moron and idiot. The anger I first felt almost 2 years ago, were flooding back to me in that email.

I sent the email to my one of my firlfriends. Then, I saved it. I knew I was in no condition to send something to Almond. And I went to sleep.

I looked at the email a couple days later, after I had calmed down.

And I realized that my email, sounded a lot like the one he sent me 3 Christmases ago.

It was angry. It was blaming. It was immature. But most of all it was hurtful.

And I realized, that no matter how angry I felt at the moment. No matter how hurt I was, that he could still stir up so many emotions after this long. I realized, I didn't want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I don't want to hit below the belt. I didn't want to hate him. I just so desperately wanted to move on. And I just wanted to know why it was so hard.

Even now. I find it hard to completely trust anyone. But I also know these things take time. I am more careful with my heart, and want to be careful that I don't guard it so much that I don't give other's a chance to see it.

One Step at at Time

I've always been someone who likes to have a plan, to know where I'm going, and where I am at the moment. I guess, one thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be that person all the time, because, frankly, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going and where I want to end up.

I just know one thing. The most important thing to me is to be happy. To be content. To be able to spend time with the people I care about. To do the things that I want to do. To be able to find satisfaction in my work.

I used to think of myself as someone who had "it" together. To be honest, I used to imagine myself as one of those people who find their true love in high school, and then get married after college and live happily ever after. And when you see yourself like that for a while, it's hard to convince yourself that, "No, you didn't 'fail'. It just didn't work out." As silly as that might sound to you.

I guess in my relatively short time of dating, I feel as though I've learned more about what I don't want than what I want.

I don't want someone who is arrogant. Biggest turn off. Ever. I was in Singapore and one of my classmates asked me out for dinner and a movie. "Wahoo!" I thought, "My first date in a foreign country." After the movie, we went out for dinner and he spent 95% of that time telling me about how great he was, and all the important people who he knew. Yawn.

I also realize that I can be with the nicest guy in the world, and there would be no chemistry whatsoever. I had no urge to kiss them, and thought of what I would do, should they try to lean in for a kiss. Which also brings the question, why do girls not like nice guys? Is it really because they make it too easy or show all their cards? I don't know. I really wanted to like a nice guy, though.

I realize that education and career goals do matter to me. Even though I'm not attracted to a work-a-holic, I have a lot more respect for someone who has career goals, or life goals. Someone who tells how great it is that they are watching episodes of House at work, doesn't float well with me. (Haagan Daz)

I also learned that I could really like a guy because he's smart, attractive, fun and still have this teeny tiny bit of hope, even when he turns out to be a jerk. Why?! I don't know. (Don't worry, that phase has passed.)

With LeBlanc right now, I have no plan. I don't know where we're going. Where we are, though, is good for me right now. We're dating. We see each other about once a week. I get massages, and flowers :) I like this testing period.

Last week, I went over and he cooked me dinner. Shepherd's pie :) And the weekend before I made him dumplings (frozen ones).

I like this part of dating, I feel like I'm testing him out (for lack of a better term), and I haven't really found anything that I don't like.

Neither of us are big phone people, though we do talk about once a week. I wonder if that's a no-no. I remember I used to talk to Almond for hours on the phone. Every relationship is different, and I'm trying to just do what I feel comfortable with, instead of over analyzing and over thinking everything. Have I turned into a non-phone person?

I know that I don't feel like I'm crazy about him - in that way where I can't think of anything else. That's not to say that I don't think about him (quite a bit more now, actually), and I look forward to seeing him. But... is this how things start? Am I taking baby steps?

Call me crazy, but a part of me is thinking that I might find something that I won't like, or he might find me utterly boring, and it will be "the end". Yea, I am quite the optimist, aren't I?

The Real Reason

I know I talked about all the reasons why I didn't like Haagan Daz, anymore. But the real reason we broke up is because I don't think I can care about him, the way that I want to. I'm still heart broken over Almond.

I feel like I don't even know where my heart is. I feel so lost. And I feel like a pathetic idiot for still being hung up on Almond.

I'm not going to lie. I'm still hung up on him. And I hate it. Hate it.

I've been running away from my feelings with activities and dates. At the end of the day, I still feel the same way, and it's frustrating.

As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I've given him my heart. All of it. And he's broken it. But he still has his heart. He can give it to whomever he pleases, and I can't even find the pieces to mine.

This sucks.

Excitement is OVER.

You know when you first meet someone, or when you meet the right someone. You're in what I like to call " La La Land." Sometimes its for a short amount of time, and others, it's for a longer amount of time.

When I was with Almond, it was for a long time. My friends thought that I didn't even notice other hot guys. Which I did. But it just didn't matter. When I liked "Gelato" (more on him later), I was in La La Land, too. But with Haagan Daz, I'm afraid it has died. And it's been less than 3 months.

Now, I know that it's not supposed to feel the way it felt when I was with Almond. A naive, high school giddy girl. Now it's different. I know what it's like to be hurt and I am more protective of my heart. But I believe I am still supposed to be in La La Land.

I guess I just got over the initial excitment with Haagan Daz and when I got to know more of him, he just didn't seem that attractive a person.

A couple things triggered this. Partly because I was on PMS. Partly because I'm seeing his true colours that I might have not noticed when I was too busy being excited.

Last weekend, I stayed with my parents on Sunday night because it would've been too late to take public transportation to my apartment. So I had to make the 2hr commute (gross!) to work on Monday instead of my usual (15 - 30 minutes). Since I told Haagan Daz, I would give him a call, I did.

me: So, I figured that I'll just stay over at my parents' place. It's late.

H.G.: Oh, really? Well, I could've come and picked you up at the subway and drove you home. I don't have to get up early.

me: Oh, really? [thinks about it] No, that would be pretty far for you to drive. I'm just going to stay here, but thanks for offering.

H.G.: Oh. Well. I wasn't really going to drive you. I just figured I'd offer. It is pretty far.

me: Oh. Okay.

my internal monologue: So, why exactly is he telling me this? Awkward.

Same thing happened on Friday when I was working downtown and we were getting together afterwards.

Why does he tell me that he didn't really mean the offer? Like he has to make that clear to me, or something.

We talked on the phone a couple times during the week. I got bored. Caught myself reading, "Bitter is the New Black" by Jen Lancaster. Then put it down. Then nearly fell asleep hearing him talk.

Then, I noticed things that just bugged me.

Like how he answers the phone with , "Yeeeeeeeellllowww."

I asked him about that later. He told me he gets it from Homer Simpson. Nice.

Then on Friday, I just noticed that we don't have that much in common. We don't have the same sense of humour. Stuff that he finds funny, I just find awkward.

For instance, we're cooking tacos. He's browning the ground beef. Then he starts "mooo-ing". Like a cow.

After the first mooo,

me: So, you're moo-ing like a cow.

H.G.: Moooooo. [again]

After the first moo, he moo's again. For added effect, I suppose. Does anyone find that funny? I just thought it was him trying to be funny, but it was just awkward. Or was it just PMS?

Now, the last bit.

Haagan Daz has an anxiety disorder, where he gets really really nervous when meeting new people. He feels sick, literally. He told me about it, and I did appreciate his honesty. But then he talks about it. A lot.

We were supposed to go up for a Dragonboat festival on Saturday, and he was going to meet my friends. I wanted to see my friends' inputs and see how he interacted with other people. Needless to say, he was really nervous. Then, he told me this. Which, I just thought was disgusting. Disgusting. Not funny. At all.

H.G.: I get really nervous, and I don't want to throw up all over your friends. Like, this. [pretend handshake with the air] Hi, I'm Haagan Daz and its nice to meet you BLUUUURRRRRPPP [makes a throw up noise and accompany gestures]

I cringe.

He continues.

H.G.: And hi, so-and-so. I'm BLLLLLLUUUURRRRRPPPPPPP. [throw up noise and gestures]

Honestly. Excitement is over. So. Over.

We went to the Zoo

Haagan Daz and I. Last last weekend. It was fun. We looked at the animals. I wanted to see the Coral Reefs exhibit, and he wanted to see the Spider Monkeys. (They were actually very cool. The only animals who weren't sleeping or just lazing around.)

In a conversation with my friend, J.

me: We went to the zoo last weekend.

j.: Oooo! The zoo. That's where couples who just first start dating go. How exciting!

Dating. Such a vague term.

So I've been "dating" for almost 2 years-ish. I think I need a post on le boys of 2007 and 2008.
So far, I've learned a lot. But I also have more questions.

Like now. So. I like Haagan Daz. He likes me. We've established that. After that, I don't know.

So, we've been dating for about a month now, maybe more. Dating -- as in going out. To the movies. To the beach. To the zoo. On walks. That kind of stuff.

He's cooked me dinner. Pasta, mind you. But it's the thought that counts, right?

We made out on my roommate's couch, last week. Actually, I don't even know if I understand what is included in the term "make out." Let's look it up on Wikipedia.

In human sexuality, making out is a sexual euphemism of American origin dating back to at least 1949. It covers a wide range of sexual behaviors, and means different things to different age groups in different parts of the U.S. It typically involves kissing, including prolonged, passionate kissing (also known as French kissing), intimate contact, including heavy petting-that is, skin-to-skin contact, or other forms of foreplay. Making out is usually considered an expression of affection or sexual attraction to a current or prospective sexual partner. An episode of making out is frequently referred to as a make-out session.

Hmmm. That's vague, too. But that pretty much encompasses what we did. Minus the heavy petting.

The first time we met was at beach volleyball court where his friends and my roommate frequents. So they've seen me before. All sweaty and sandy. So they know about me -- his two close buddies.

He's told his mom about me. He's told his brother and sister-in-law about me. I told him I told my friends and sisters about him. But not my parents. Asian parents can be messy.

We talked about taking the next step. About being a couple. And here come my diarrhea of confusion and random thoughts.

I am not as young or as foolish as I was when I fell for Almond. Where I pictured us living happily ever after, before I decided to take the next step and be his girlfriend. Now, I am just thinking of taking it one step at a time. If I like him, I'll continue seeing him. See below a conversation I had with my girlfriend, J. this weekend about my confusion.

me: So, I like him. What I know of him so far, anyway. I know it's not supposed to feel the same as I did with Almond. And it doesn't. I just feel like I like him. And that's it. I'm not thinking too far into the future. I just like how things are going now. Is there anything wrong with that?

j: Yea. You're not young and foolish, anymore. That's OK. That's good. That's dating.

me: How do I know if I want to me be his girlfriend? I mean, I thought that after a week or so, the idea might make more sense, or sink in. Is that what I want? How do I know what I want?

j: How does it feel?

me: It feels nice. But I also feel like I'm not letting myself go. Too much, anyway. Just a little bit at a time. I feel like I keep catching myself, and preventing myself from falling. Like it's an instinct. Whereas with Almond, I let myself fall.

j: Well, you know what it's like to get hurt, right? You protect yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

me: I feel like I've been single for so long. And finally, I find someone I'm actually looking forward to seeing, and getting to know. It's a weird feeling. I don't think I'm afraid of commitment.

j: Are you, though?

me: I don't know. I wasn't before.

j: But now is now. Are you afraid of it now?

me: I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe I'm afraid to get hurt.

I think that is the bottom line. I'm afraid to get hurt. He's a little different than the guys I've dated. When I say "dated" I mean, went out with a casually. When I say "went out casually" I mean out for dinner, movies, hanging out, etc.

I haven't had anything serious since Almond. I haven't felt any attraction to the guy's I've been out with. I haven't even wanted the guy to kiss me. With the exception of Gelato -- whom we'll discuss later (but he's old news, anyway.) Am I feeling confused because I feel an attraction to Haagan Daz? Or is because he's different in a lot of ways than the guys I'm used to dating.

For one thing, he does not worship Star Wars. Or computer games. Thank god. He's also not an engineer. Believe it or not, kids, I've been only dating engineers. And one nurse -- whom I believed was gay. More on him later.

Things that have been on my mind (not exactly problems per se, just stuff):

Haagan Daz went to college instead of university -- he's a machinist. He's really tall - basically 6' -- I am 5'3". We may or may not hang out in different social crowds -- not sure, yet, since I haven't met his friends and vice versa. He works nights, sometimes. When he gets nervous, he can't stomach food.

He also has a list of foods he doesn't like (side note: I'm a big foodie, and had hoped to find a guy who would love to try different cuisines with me. Almond was a picky eater, too.)

Things that I like about Haagan Daz:

He's been very open and honest with me. Whether it be about his past, or current issues he is dealing with. We talk and talk about anything.

I feel very comfortable around him, and I look forward hanging out with him. Whether it be going out, or just staying in.

He's cute. And tall. And funny. He treats me like a lady, is quasi romantic.


That's it for now. Back to work!