Poking and Prodding

This weekend, LeBlanc came back for a week of working in Toronto before heading back abroad. We spent most of this weekend together, just hanging out, cooking, watching tv, sleeping. The usual. I was really really happy to see him on Friday.

I let myself in, and was on the phone with my sister at that moment. He was cleaning his room and the bathroom. He ran out, and scooped me up in a big hug and planted kisses. I had to call my sister back :)

We made some dinner and watched "Marley and Me". I love lazy time together.

The next day, he was still a little jet lagged and tired. I later realized he didn't sleep that well the night before, and he was a little grouchy. I usually like to "bug" him with poking, prodding, and tickling.

I guess I do this when I get bored, or want him to pay attention to me:) This time, instead of being playful, he seemed a little irritated - and I didn't really know how to react.

I know I tend to take things personally, and I'm trying not to. Especially when we would do this all the time, and he liked it. When he seemed to be a bit better, he would cuddle up and be more receptive.

We talked about it today, and he said that it wasn't my fault. It just so happened that I was doing things at the wrong times, and it irritated him. I told him that I noticed the irration, but I didn't know why. So, if he could just tell me if he had a headache, or stomache-ache - then, I would kinda know to not poke in prod, because in general, we both like being poked and prodded.

LeBlanc and I have been dating for a little while now, and even though I know all relationships are kinda like a roller coaster, I feel like I'm about to take a big step. An emotional big step, of letting him into my heart.

I know that I've pretended to be tougher than I really am. I pretended that I don't care as much as I really do. I pretended that I'm cool when sometimes, I'm just doing back flips inside. And in many ways, I know it's because I am thinking that I'm protecting myself.

I know that I am a strong and independant woman. I am smart, beautiful, and generally a nice and caring person. I want to be treated like a lady, and deserve to be respected. This is the part that is strong and confident.

But there is also a part of me that's vulnerable and emotional. There is also a part of me that's been hurt before. And even though it wasn't LeBlanc who hurt me. I was hurt by someone whom I loved.

As mentioned in my previous posts, the most hurtful part wasn't the break up, it was what was said after it.

After all these years, Almond broke up with me, and he expected me to "fight for us." He thought that I would want us to be together, and basically beg him to take me back. When he talked afterwards, he said that's what he expected, and was hurt when that didn't happen. He felt it was me showing that I didn't care about what we had.

When I told Almond that it was now time that I started to think about myself first, and it wasn't in my best interest to do that (though, I did feel like it sometimes), he responded that he always saw me as an "emotional" person, and not "practical" and didn't expect my response of ignoring him, at all.

And so that was one of the things that I feared most about any new relationship. That the guy would see me as someone I'm not, and think that they can take advantage of a women's emotions. So, with LeBlanc, I tried not to show my emotional side.

I didn't show the side of me that was scared of something new, but also excited that I'm moving on and ready for a fresh start with a great guy. I didn't show that part of me that was happy when he sends text messages, or that he calls even if he's exhausted, to say "hi". And I didn't show that part of me that was crying on the drive home, after dropping him off at the airport.

I don't show him the part of me that's been hurt before, because I don't want him to see a part of me that was so angry, so hurt, but mostly, so vulnerable. I don't show when I'm nervous when I'm meeting his friends, his family, his colleagues.

But, I feel like I want to show him these part of me,now. Because I do care a lot for him. I think I love him, and I want him to love me back. I also want him to be emotionally available.

We haven't talked too much of our past. Only for a little bit when we first started dating. He knows that I dated my high school sweetheart through much of university, but no one seriously since then, including one of his classmates. His longest relationship was also in university, and was 6 months, but he said he hasn't had a serious relationship, yet.

Maybe it's time that I opened up my heart a bit more. I know there's no guarantee, but I feel like I am falling, and I want to be caught. And I want LeBlanc to catch me.

Dancing

Although I have 2 left feet, I love to dance.

Last Friday, I went out with some friends for a night of salsa. It was so awesome.

I took a couple of beginner salsa lessons at school during college. Really, with salsa, it's all about the guy. If the guy can lead, he can make any girl look good.

It took a few tries, but eventually myself and my friends all found our salsa partner for the night. My partner was awesome. He was definitely better than me, but was also very patient in teaching me and helping me learn. Wasn't too hard to look at either. Have I mentioned that I have had a thing for Middle Eastern men since traveling to Egypt? :)

I guess with dancing, flirty might be inevitable. I wasn't interested in more than dancing, and told him so. We kept dancing and I just realized how much fun I was missing out on. Salsa, I will never foresake thee, again.

I got a call from LeBlanc later that night. He actually worked around the corner from the club we were at. I invited him to join us if he was up for some salsa. Unfortunately, LeBlanc did not have any rhythm. But he did put up an honest effort, and I thought it was cute that he was trying :) Though, I swear, at times, I feared for my life when he tried to spin me.

2 years...

That's pretty much how long it's been since I've last had sex. Actually, I'm not sure if last night counted. We had a little mal-function.

So there is a part of me that believes that Cinderella's god mother really existed, and that she and her prince lived happily ever after. And, as I grow older, I feel as though that part of me gets smaller and smaller. Things aren't simple any more and compromises are made. And sometimes, our minds live in the fairy tale land, but in the real world, we're making compromises more than we would like. I'm referring to my tough times with Almond.

For instance, I used to think that sex was something that was out of this world. It wasn't just sex, but it was making love. To the person that you love more than anything in this world.

To be honest with myself, most of the time, I just wanted to have sex with Almond because it felt good, not because I wanted to be taken to another galaxy or something. That's not to say that I didn't care about Almond.

Last night, I just wanted to get laid. LeBlanc and I have been having some heavy make out sessions, and it's crossed my mind a few times. I loved the feeling of his lips on my body. I hadn't wanted anyone to kiss me like that in a while.

I think a part of me, is starting to like what we have. As undefined, and random as it is. I was so afraid to have any expectation, because I feel that the consequences are two fold. 1) I might get dissappointed and more importantly, 2) There might be some expectation of me to feel a certain way, and I'm not sure if I can or am ready to feel that much, yet.

And yet, I am starting to have expectations. LeBlanc said that he would visit me this Friday. Unfortunately, there was a snow storm, and he couldn't make it. It wasn't his fault, and it would have been crazy to come up, but I couldn't help but feel a tinge sadness - wishing he was here. Then, I had wanted him to come up on the Saturday or Sunday. And, he did.

We watched a movie and ate my left overs. It was nice just snuggling on the couch and watching "Lars and the Real Girl."

After the movie, we made our way to my room.

Most of me is perfectly fine with what happened between us. Blame it on hormones, horniness, or just instincts. Another part of me is questioning myself, shouldn't he be your boyfriend to do stuff like that?

But I know that if we had established the whole "boyfriend / girlfriend" status, it wouldn't really make things easier. I would still have my baggage and fear of committing to something that might not feel right. LeBlanc would still be the carefree guy, and I would rather have a moment be just what it is, without having to justify it.

Though we did have some talking last night. That was the first time that LeBlanc and I talked about our past relationships, and thoughts. He told me that he's really nervous around me, partly because he was afraid he wasn't witty enough (yay! he appreciates my smart aleck remarks!).

He told me that he thought I was really rational and not too emotional, which he found kinda mysterious. (There may be some lines lost in translation since we were both on the brink of sleep and still mumbling about.) I told him that as cliche as it sounded, I was once a terribly emotionaly person. But after getting hurt, I learned to take care of myself more, and sometimes that meant that my emotions aren't seen. Sometimes, things are easier to deal with that way. But it didn't mean that I didn't have them.

Then he tells me that sometimes it's ok to let go.

Wow. This sounds like a really cliched conversation.

A part of me, is glad that I was able to be honest. With both myself and LeBlanc. I can't help but feel what I feel. At the same time, I can't help it if I'm not feeling something.

It is what it is...

I'm sitting here watching the latest episode of Ugly Betty, and sometimes, she reminds me so much of myself. The part of her that's responsible and serious. Sometimes, I think that I'm just too serious and responsible.

I know it's cliche, but I guess a part of me if going through some kind of quarter life crisis. Maybe crisis is a bit of a strong word. I guess I've been working full time for about 6 months. I feel like I don't really know anything. That my time is being billed to projects that I really don't know that much about. I guess I need to learn to ask for help more.

I come home and I'm tired, and most of the time, I don't feel like doing much. In fact, I'm so afraid that I'm just going to be coming home, eating and sleeping. Gah!! That's why I need to keep doing sports -- but my last soccer game is next Wednesday, and that's it. Until next season starts in January.

I understand why people gain weight so easily. It didn't really happen to me in university, and I don't want it to happen to me now. That should be motivation enough to get out and do things. And yet, it's so easy to stay in.

A part of me is questioning -- is this it?!

Sometimes I feel like I know what I don't want, and don't really know what I want. I feel like I had done all the right things. I've always acted smart and responsibly, and now I'm wondering where it got me. I never did drugs, never even smoked a cigarette, always got good grades, finished at the top of my class in high school, had a boyfriend who was a good guy, finished my degree in engineering, traveled in my undergrad to places I never knew existed, have a good job.

Now what?

Should there be more? Or should I be happier? I feel like I am in such a great place in my life right now, but I don't really know how to enjoy it. I feel like it should feel different. And I really feel scared. And confused.

It's like I always knew what the next step was. After high school, it was university. After university it was work. And now that I'm here, I'm not sure if this is really where I want to be for the rest of my life. Which is the really scary part. I think that I can be happy right now, but I'm kinda worried about being happy forever here.

Which I guess, is silly. Now that I'm writing it out.

I think that a part of me is exploring that part with LeBlanc. The "before" Des does not do stuff like have slumber parties with guys that I just started seeing. That Des does not allow him to touch me. That Des usually plays it safe until she eventually gets bored cuz there is no excitement. Or maybe it's just cuz I haven't met someone who excites me, yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about LeBlanc. A part of me likes parts of him. Who can really complain when he's such a great kisser? Another part of me likes our random talks walking back from the movies or from dinner. Another part of me is drawn to his care-free persona because that means that I don't have to feel like I'm tied down, or that I have to have things figured out.

A part of me is scared that I might start expecting more or want this to go farther than what it is now. LeBlanc is not exactly Mr. Commitment. And even though, I can't call myself Ms. Commitment.

I just don't want to be disappointed.

A part of me feels like I'm being the carefree, careless person that I wasn't when I was in high school or university. When I think about it (which isn't really too hard for me to do), I question what kind of a message I am sending him.

It's probably not a really good one. But then, LeBlanc is one of the least judgmental people I know. I hope he hasn't judged me too much.

He asked me to go to his work Christmas party next week.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, still. But I think I'm ok with that for now. Defining something doesn't change how I do or don't feel about a situation. I think I'm just going to go with it for now. At least, try to, anyway.

me: So. I'm not sure exactly what we are or not, and that's why I'm confused. I usually like to have things clearly defined. And I believe that is not us.

LeBlanc: Would you prefer to define this?

me: Um... I'm not sure if that makes it easier or if that helps. I like how things are now. I don't like to have expectations because it just makes things complicated.

LeBlanc: What sort of expectations would you have?

me: I don't know. I like hanging out with you. Believe it or not, I don't usually have slumber parties at my guy friends' houses. I'm kinda confused at my actions.

LeBlanc: Well, we aren't exactly just friends.

me: I know. I don't know what we are. I like hanging out with you, and I like certain aspects of you. But I don't want to ruin it by having expectations.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations would you have?

me: I'm not sure. Would this be a regular occurrence? This once a week thing. Phone calls. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can talk to you on the phone, you talk so slow. You might put me to sleep, or I might bore you.

LeBlanc: I think I like this once a week thing. I would like to continue it. The phone. I can do phone calls. I would let you know if you were boring me.

me: Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that.

LeBlanc: What I meant was that I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. I would let you know.

me: Oh.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations did you have of me before?

me: Honestly?

LeBlanc: Yes.

me: Ok. Don't take this the wrong way. They weren't very high. I kinda have this expectation for you. You -- in the general sense. General sense, meaning, like my guy friends. And half the times, they don't keep their plans. It's just too much work to get angry when they cancel, that I just don't expect them really keep them. I know they don't mean to disappoint, and I don't like to get mad. So it's kinda a win-win situation.

LeBlanc: So you had some low expectations of me?

me: Not you per se. You in the general sense. Please don't take it the wrong way.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations do you have of me now?

me: I'm not sure.

I don't think we figured much out that talk. I told him what was on my mind, and I'm glad that we talked about it. I don't really like to have things weigh on me, and it helped me realize a couple of things. One of them being that I can talk to LeBlanc and he's a pretty good listener to my mumble jumble.

Things seem to be a bit awkward the next morning. He doesn't hold my hand, and then, I'm not so sure that this really is going anywhere. Or if it can.

The subway was a short ride. At his stop, we part ways.

me: So. Are you going to tell me what to expect? I don't like surprises.

LeBlanc: I.... I think that we're going to be ok, Des.

me: Huh?! What's that mean?

LeBlanc: I think that it's ok to have higher expectations.

Then he kissed me goodbye.

So, I'm supposed to let him know about his Christmas dinner next weekend. He's staying in Calgary this weekend, and I'm heading out to Ottawa to visit my sister.

LeBlanc: Do you want to come with me to my work's Christmas party?

me: Ummm. Isn't it a 60's theme? I don't have an afro.

LeBlanc: That's ok.

me: I think I'm supposed to go home. Can I let you know later?

LeBlanc: Sure.

me: So, I'm going to recycle a line that you used.

LeBlanc: What's that?

me: 'So, I didn't make you feel so awkward that you never want to see me, again?'

LeBlanc: I said that?!

me: Yep.

LeBlanc: And what was your response.

me: I think I said, "okay..."

LeBlanc: That's a good answer.

me: Good night.

I'm not sure why I like to re-write parts of our conversations. Maybe I just like reading them :)

I think I'm okay.

Do I Have to Know How I Feel?

LeBlanc and I went out. It was a really nice steak house. Quite fancy and romantic, actually. Which is not how LeBlanc is (from what I know of him).

LeBlanc: So I didn't make you feel so awkward that you don't ever want to see me, again?

me: I guess not. Anyway, I owe you dinner. I got this one.

LeBlanc: No, no. I got this one.

me: You got it last time. I got this one.

LeBlanc: Trust me. You will change your mind once you see the menu. I'll make a deal with you. I'll get this one, but you'll have to go out with me, again.

me: That's not fair!

I look at the menu.

me: OK. You can get this one.

LeBlanc: I've been plotting to get you to go out for dinner with me here ever since I came here with work. Now, my plot has succeeded.

me: Why didn't you just ask if I wanted to for steak the first time?

LeBlanc: Because you wanted Indian food. Trust me, this steak is really good. Probably one of the best steaks I've had in my life.

Dinner was good. I think LeBlanc has having a steak-gasm.

I was heading up to Waterloo to visit my sister last weekend. There was a bus that left at 9:30pm and one that left at 11:30pm. I told LeBlanc my first bus time.

After dinner we went and sat in the lobby. We were both full and tired.

I'm not sure if it's the buzz from the wine. Or maybe something else.

We got to talking. He started playing with my hand and holding my hand.

me: I actually have another bus at 11:30pm that I can take. But you'll have to entertain me until then.

LeBlanc: I can do that.

...............

A couple things have happened in between. I'm not sure what it is that's going on. Which confuses me. I like to have things clearly defined. And this is clearly not defined.

What I know.

I liked kissing him.

To be continued.....

Like I said, I Overthink....

So, in this post, I talked about how I would over think.

At least I have a great support system that lets me know when I'm doing this.

One of my friends, LeBlanc, asked if I would like to go out for dinner this Friday. LeBlanc and I have been friends since Singapore, where we both did exchange. He's a great guy, really nice, except that he is quite undependable. He's the type of guy who is always late, and likes to change plans last minute.

Anyway, we've met up a few weeks ago for dinner (just as friends) and I invited him to my housewarming last weekend. He surprised everyone by showing up, and bringing chili. (We have some common friends, and we all knew of his carefree persona).

I get an email from LeBlanc on earlier on the week asking if I wanted to go out for dinner. I didn't think much of it, though it did catch me by surprise. The only thing I was afraid of, was if I made it downtown, and he changed his plans last minute, or if he would have to work.

So after he convinced me that, no, he wasn't going to change his plans last minute, and gave me free reins for the choice of food, I agreed.

We went out for Indian food here. Really good food. And we polished off two bottles of Reisling. After way too much food, we went on a search for dessert. At first, we were deciding between ice cream and cakes. Then we decided on crepes. Unfortunately, the crepe place was packed. So we end up at Starbucks, and we split a brownie.

It just so happened to be the opening weekend of the Art Gallery of Ontario. After debating whether the structural frame was made of wood or steel, we decided to take a quick peek inside. At this point, we're both really tired, and I'm afraid I might miss my last bus home, if I catch the subway. He says I can stay at his place, he'll sleep on the couch.

Right.

We just chilled at his place. Looking through random pictures in Facebook. He showed me the garage that him and his family built, and some pictures he printed out from traveling. He starts massaging my neck and shoulders, and it felt nice. He played with my hair and traced my arms to my fingers. Who would have thunk that my friend, LeBlanc, was actually a big teddy bear (?).

He starts to tickle me and pulls me over to his bed.

LeBlanc: I want to find out if you're ticklish everywhere.

I wanted to be tickled by him. It was only last week that I thought he was really cute, when he had this kinda mischievous smile (in all the time that I've known him). So, I said the first thing that came into my mind.

Me: I have to pee.

LeBlanc laughs.

LeBlanc: Alright, we'll resume after. (Or something to that effect.)

I come back. We look through some more Facebook photos. He turns around and picks me up, drops me on his bed, and the tickling starts. Have I mentioned how I like to be tickled. And he's ticklish, too.

There's a moment when he looks at me, and I really wanted him to kiss me. And he did. It was a nice kiss, and I kiss him back. It went on for a while, and I liked it. I didn't want it to go further though, and told him so.

LeBlanc: What did you think when I asked if you wanted to go for dinner?

Me: I thought you wanted to go for food.

LeBlanc: I wanted to ask you for a while, now. I'm not really good at this dating... thing. That's what I do sometimes, when I try to initiate things. And by sometimes, I mean never.

Me: Really? Did you expect this to happen?

LeBlanc: No. Until it did. Did you?

Me: No. I figured I'd just kinda go with it.

LeBlanc: Well, I'm glad you're open to ambiguity. I had a good time tonight.

Me: Me, too.

LeBlanc: Goodnight.

Me: Goodnight.

We go to sleep. I wish I could say that I slept.

The next morning was kinda awkward. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave, or wait for him to get up. I hate it when I think about things. I started thinking, "Oh shit. And I was sobered up when we were making out. I didn't even think that I liked him as more than a friend."

We go for breakfast. It was a little awkward.

LeBlanc: So, I'm not sure if I confused you last night. But I had fun, and I would like to do it again, if you're up for it.

Me: Is this weird? Were you drunk last night?

LeBlanc: No, I wasn't drunk.

Me: Niether was I.

LeBlanc: Maybe this will make things clearer.

He leans in and kisses me. Which is kinda awkward because it caught me off-guard and I didn't really kiss him back.

LeBlanc: Ok. That was a bit awkward. I know I'm not big on committment, but if I would like to go for dinner, again, sometime, if you want to. You don't have to tell me now.

Me: Ok.

I come home and and pass out and get up 4PM. Then, I call my sister and write this post.

I had a lot of fun. I was just thinking about it too much after the fact. I was thinking way too far, ahead and making a big deal of nothing. I was scared because I wasn't sure if I was ready for anything. I just thought way too much and lost sight of this.

We both had a good time. Maybe we'll do it sometime, again. And then, go from there.

Exhale. Now I am not going to think about, and what better way than to watch McHotsalot on Made of Honour.

Excitement is OVER.

You know when you first meet someone, or when you meet the right someone. You're in what I like to call " La La Land." Sometimes its for a short amount of time, and others, it's for a longer amount of time.

When I was with Almond, it was for a long time. My friends thought that I didn't even notice other hot guys. Which I did. But it just didn't matter. When I liked "Gelato" (more on him later), I was in La La Land, too. But with Haagan Daz, I'm afraid it has died. And it's been less than 3 months.

Now, I know that it's not supposed to feel the way it felt when I was with Almond. A naive, high school giddy girl. Now it's different. I know what it's like to be hurt and I am more protective of my heart. But I believe I am still supposed to be in La La Land.

I guess I just got over the initial excitment with Haagan Daz and when I got to know more of him, he just didn't seem that attractive a person.

A couple things triggered this. Partly because I was on PMS. Partly because I'm seeing his true colours that I might have not noticed when I was too busy being excited.

Last weekend, I stayed with my parents on Sunday night because it would've been too late to take public transportation to my apartment. So I had to make the 2hr commute (gross!) to work on Monday instead of my usual (15 - 30 minutes). Since I told Haagan Daz, I would give him a call, I did.

me: So, I figured that I'll just stay over at my parents' place. It's late.

H.G.: Oh, really? Well, I could've come and picked you up at the subway and drove you home. I don't have to get up early.

me: Oh, really? [thinks about it] No, that would be pretty far for you to drive. I'm just going to stay here, but thanks for offering.

H.G.: Oh. Well. I wasn't really going to drive you. I just figured I'd offer. It is pretty far.

me: Oh. Okay.

my internal monologue: So, why exactly is he telling me this? Awkward.

Same thing happened on Friday when I was working downtown and we were getting together afterwards.

Why does he tell me that he didn't really mean the offer? Like he has to make that clear to me, or something.

We talked on the phone a couple times during the week. I got bored. Caught myself reading, "Bitter is the New Black" by Jen Lancaster. Then put it down. Then nearly fell asleep hearing him talk.

Then, I noticed things that just bugged me.

Like how he answers the phone with , "Yeeeeeeeellllowww."

I asked him about that later. He told me he gets it from Homer Simpson. Nice.

Then on Friday, I just noticed that we don't have that much in common. We don't have the same sense of humour. Stuff that he finds funny, I just find awkward.

For instance, we're cooking tacos. He's browning the ground beef. Then he starts "mooo-ing". Like a cow.

After the first mooo,

me: So, you're moo-ing like a cow.

H.G.: Moooooo. [again]

After the first moo, he moo's again. For added effect, I suppose. Does anyone find that funny? I just thought it was him trying to be funny, but it was just awkward. Or was it just PMS?

Now, the last bit.

Haagan Daz has an anxiety disorder, where he gets really really nervous when meeting new people. He feels sick, literally. He told me about it, and I did appreciate his honesty. But then he talks about it. A lot.

We were supposed to go up for a Dragonboat festival on Saturday, and he was going to meet my friends. I wanted to see my friends' inputs and see how he interacted with other people. Needless to say, he was really nervous. Then, he told me this. Which, I just thought was disgusting. Disgusting. Not funny. At all.

H.G.: I get really nervous, and I don't want to throw up all over your friends. Like, this. [pretend handshake with the air] Hi, I'm Haagan Daz and its nice to meet you BLUUUURRRRRPPP [makes a throw up noise and accompany gestures]

I cringe.

He continues.

H.G.: And hi, so-and-so. I'm BLLLLLLUUUURRRRRPPPPPPP. [throw up noise and gestures]

Honestly. Excitement is over. So. Over.

Me and Dating

You know those couples that have been together for god-knows-how-long. They met in high school and have been together ever since. Other people just envy them and the love they share.

I was one of those couples. Until I wasn't.

Now, for the past almost-two years, I have been navigating the dating world as a single gal. I've gone on my share of first dates, and then some. Some awkward. Some fun. Most of them were with genuinely nice guys. A couple with some jerks.

As a single girl who had her heart broken, the thing I was most afraid of was not being able to feel that way, again. The butterflies. The excitement. Being able to trust someone, again.

Rationally speaking, I will find someone. I am intelligent, kind, witty, out going, physically active -- I'm no model, but I think I'm fairly attractive.

But in the time that I have been alone, I think I have been working on the relationship that I had been neglecting while I was in a relationship with Almond. The relationship with me. When you've been together with someone for so long, there is no doubt that you don't always put your needs, first.

For the past almost-two years, I came first. It was a good feeling. I was able to grow as an individual, instead of as part of a couple. I was able to learn lessons of love. Lessons of forgiveness. Lessons of moving on.

I always thought that I would be the type of girlfriend who could maintain ties to their exes. I thought that to be able to spend such a significant amount of time with someone and share so much with that person, you would want them in your life. I was wrong.

I didn't know how much hurt that person could cause. Even though I have forgiven him, I think that's all I can do. Being friends would be asking too much of myself. I know my limits, and I am just protecting myself.

Besides, would Almond be worth explaining to my new boyfriend for someone to accept? I'm not so sure. When he wanted my friendship, part of it was to see if it would lead "anywhere." I guess that's the part that I'm skeptical about. He didn't respect me enough to be honest about his intent of a "friendship."

I know who my friends are. And, unfortunately, he is no longer one of them. He will always be an important part of me. But he is in past now.

I'll save the post for my disasters of first dates for another time. Oh lordy, there were some really awkward ones.

For now, I'll just say that I'm a little excited about someone. Someone who brings a silly grin to my face when I think of them. Someone whom I can spend hours talking on the phone with about nothing in particular. Someone who I can tease and they can keep up with their own smart remarks. Someone who I look forward to seeing sometime this week.