Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Think Too Much

Honestly, I do. I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. That’s why I need this blog. I need to get it out.

Sorry I haven’t replied to your comments. I love reading what you guys have to say! I haven’t had internet at home since I moved (again) in September, and these blogs were posted when I was at work. I didn’t want to check my URL at work. Just in case.

My random thoughts:

1) Marriage.

My friend from high school is getting married. She is my age – 24. They are bought a house together. It feels surreal.

I know. She’s getting married. Not me.

How can I voice it that I think she is doing it for the wrong reasons. I feel like I’m more stressed out about it than her. If that is possible.

I’m afraid that she is getting married for the wrong reasons, and will end up unhappy.

Why do I keep saying it’s for the wrong reason? I know, it’s not my place to judge, and everyone is different. This is why.

Her parents want her to get married. To someone who is of her religion – she is Sikh.

She was in a couple of serious relationships. Then, she decided that she would give up on them, and just let her parents choose someone for her, because this dating thing wasn’t working out.

The first guy, I didn’t like. He was very possessive, and for some reason, she felt like she had to lie to him about her education. Long story. Basically, they were engaged, and then they called it off.

The second guy, she didn’t even tell me about until a year or so into their dating. Then last Christmas, when we met for lunch, she told me of her dilemma. The guy’s family wanted him to have an arranged marriage, and did not want to accept her.

The way I saw it, was that the guy did not have the guts to stand up for the woman he cared about. He didn’t want to break it off with my friend, but also did not want to “hurt” his family. Aside: I’m not sure how a marriage could hurt your family. I would think that your family would be happy for you if you were happy, no?

My friend gave him an ultimatum after about 3 years into it, and said that if he did not stand up to his family about her, she would have to break it off, and just get an arranged marriage. And that is what she did.

This April, my friend calls me on my birthday and tells me of the news. I know I should be happy for her, but I just feel scared.

She seems fine with it. She said she likes him enough. Though, I’m not sure what “enough” is. She said this way, she gets to know him for a few years, and then have kids when she’s about 27. Seriously. What am I supposed to say in response?

I guess why I think about it so much, is because I always reflect other peoples’ lives onto my own. Will this be what I am going to resort to? God, I hope not. I still think that marriage should be romantic. With someone that you just can’t get enough of. Whom you love more than anyone else. Whom you’re just happy being around.

Or am I just naïve in thinking that that exists?

2) Almond.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Not in a bad way. Just thinking of how things were. How things changed so much. Wondering how his life is now. Thinking that he set the bar a little too high for me in the relationships department. Wondering if I will ever meet someone who could make me feel as happy and as special as he made me feel.

I’ve been thinking of writing him a letter. No so much as in sending it to him, but what I would write if I were to write him a letter. That’s for another post. You’ll see what I mean.
In the meantime, I should get back to work.

Wish me luck at the wedding. I hope there is good food. And my sari is loose enough that I can eat all the good food.

Oh! And I hope I meet some hot, brown dude there.

Food, and hot guys. I’m not asking for much, right?


Miss Burb said...

you're a good friend for wanting to voice your concern. My friends never have enough nerve to tell me what they really think about a guy I'm dating. usually it's after I've ended it.

Just take her out one day and don't be accusing or anything. Just say that you're concerned for her happiness and that's all you want for her and that you want her to know that if she really does want this that you'll support her but if she doesnt, you'll be there for her too. that's really all you can say, without making her mad. and you don't want her to push you away because then she'll glue herself to him and cut you out of her life. I know, I've done it.

Writing a letter to the ex sounds fine as long as you don't send it! Sometimes I wonder about some of my exs and I have gotten into contact with them only to regret it. I like to remember the good times and while I could with them at first, it eventually led to the same road. I just would hate for you to fall for him again, only to be hurt by him again.'s been an emotional day for me and I'm really not sure if I overstepped my boundry, here. but I hope it helps at least a little

Andy said...

Wow. Miss Burb read my mind and wrote it.

I agree with Burb, maybe you should talk to her. Do not tell her 'Don't do it', but tell her you'll be there for her. No matter what. And that you love her.

And Almond? Write it, don't send it. Take it as a catharsis.

Greears said...

Hi! I ran across your blog while fantasizing I could go for a week to K.L. for a little vacation from winter... Did you get one of those fish pedicures while you were there?

I write to you because I too have always been accused of being an "over thinker...", (a total foody, and a romantic.)

Having had nearly double the life that you've had so far as an over thinker, if we could meet for coffee I would tell you to consider that there is a difference between thinking about something and ruminating to distraction. One has a positive outcome and one will make you nuts. I still, to this day, waffle between the two. At least now I can call it ruminating when it happens!

I would also tell you that somehow, even the worst hook ups, long term relationships, and marriages seem to lead us to these fabulous learning experiances and secret gifts that you never would have had if you hadn't had them. Even H.D. is giving you some gift besides occationally getting your inner motor running. You just don't know what it is yet.

Do yourself a favor, write the letter, don't mail it. Mailing it will cause you to think too much about it, leading to excessive rumination. I had a deeply awsome super nova romance at age 20 which I was broken over for 4 years. When I was nearly over it, I wrote him a letter. I mailed it thinking that it would be ok that he never respond. (I was too young to know then that men arn't responders) and when I didn't hear from him I was sad-ish, because I just wanted to know that the relationship had meant as much to him as it had to me...To this day, I'll never know. That hurts! But the gift is that when I am an old woman in the nursing home, I am going to have a lot of great memories to keep myself occupied with.

Support your friend in these choices she's making. The culture you exist in, and it's evolution, is a tricky path. My best friends father (fresh from India) tried to arrange her marriage at age 13 and she worked mercilessly to change his mind. She did, and she's still single, childless, ect. She has a boyfriend and career and is happy. Does she have regrets, I'm sure she does. But she is happy.

Try to remember, with your friend, that there is a magic that runs through life. My marriage started with the most fantastic romance, but once that was over (which happens) the person I was left with is the most solid individual and it is for this that I feel most blessed, because life is hard and you have to be there for each other. This is what her parents are trying to assure. (and that last boyfriend of hers was a pud that he wouldn't fight for her with his family)

Be there for her as she will be for you. It will be good and it will be bad and in the end you can only hope to remember the humor and the love.

Good Luck!

Des said...

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement! They are much appreciated. :)

Miss Burb - Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts with me. I did take her out some time back and asked her what you had mentioned. She was very adamant that this was what she wanted, even though she did not like part of his character. There was still a lot of him that she liked.

I guess, as a friend, sometimes I might focus too much on the negative characteristics because I'm afraid that my friend would get hurt. Since this is what she wants, I will do my very best to support her in whatever way I can.

Andy - I think I will write that letter. I agree that it's not a good idea not to send it. That would be putting my heart way too much on the line. I just want to write out my thoughts, without any expectation of a response.

Greears - Thanks for your well thought out comment. I hope you do go to KL. I was there only a short while, and wish I could've been there longer. Definitely miss the markets and the food!

Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. I do believe in the magic of life and human kind, but sometimes, I just wish that the sad parts would fast forward, a little. Call me impatient. lol.

I'm happy for you and your husband. I hope that one day, I can find my love, as well. For now, I can't help but feel how I feel, and I feel completely at a loss for love.