Thursday, January 15, 2009

One Step at at Time

I've always been someone who likes to have a plan, to know where I'm going, and where I am at the moment. I guess, one thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be that person all the time, because, frankly, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going and where I want to end up.

I just know one thing. The most important thing to me is to be happy. To be content. To be able to spend time with the people I care about. To do the things that I want to do. To be able to find satisfaction in my work.

I used to think of myself as someone who had "it" together. To be honest, I used to imagine myself as one of those people who find their true love in high school, and then get married after college and live happily ever after. And when you see yourself like that for a while, it's hard to convince yourself that, "No, you didn't 'fail'. It just didn't work out." As silly as that might sound to you.

I guess in my relatively short time of dating, I feel as though I've learned more about what I don't want than what I want.

I don't want someone who is arrogant. Biggest turn off. Ever. I was in Singapore and one of my classmates asked me out for dinner and a movie. "Wahoo!" I thought, "My first date in a foreign country." After the movie, we went out for dinner and he spent 95% of that time telling me about how great he was, and all the important people who he knew. Yawn.

I also realize that I can be with the nicest guy in the world, and there would be no chemistry whatsoever. I had no urge to kiss them, and thought of what I would do, should they try to lean in for a kiss. Which also brings the question, why do girls not like nice guys? Is it really because they make it too easy or show all their cards? I don't know. I really wanted to like a nice guy, though.

I realize that education and career goals do matter to me. Even though I'm not attracted to a work-a-holic, I have a lot more respect for someone who has career goals, or life goals. Someone who tells how great it is that they are watching episodes of House at work, doesn't float well with me. (Haagan Daz)

I also learned that I could really like a guy because he's smart, attractive, fun and still have this teeny tiny bit of hope, even when he turns out to be a jerk. Why?! I don't know. (Don't worry, that phase has passed.)

With LeBlanc right now, I have no plan. I don't know where we're going. Where we are, though, is good for me right now. We're dating. We see each other about once a week. I get massages, and flowers :) I like this testing period.

Last week, I went over and he cooked me dinner. Shepherd's pie :) And the weekend before I made him dumplings (frozen ones).

I like this part of dating, I feel like I'm testing him out (for lack of a better term), and I haven't really found anything that I don't like.

Neither of us are big phone people, though we do talk about once a week. I wonder if that's a no-no. I remember I used to talk to Almond for hours on the phone. Every relationship is different, and I'm trying to just do what I feel comfortable with, instead of over analyzing and over thinking everything. Have I turned into a non-phone person?

I know that I don't feel like I'm crazy about him - in that way where I can't think of anything else. That's not to say that I don't think about him (quite a bit more now, actually), and I look forward to seeing him. But... is this how things start? Am I taking baby steps?

Call me crazy, but a part of me is thinking that I might find something that I won't like, or he might find me utterly boring, and it will be "the end". Yea, I am quite the optimist, aren't I?


Andy said...

Oh.... I do like nice guys! I do love guys who compliment me, who are sweet and attentive and are gentlemen, etc.
I'm not a huge fan of bad boys.

And I think that with LeBlanc, you should take things as they come. Both of you seem to be very comfortable with each other and this "testing" phase is making you realize what you like and what you don't like about him.

Just remember no one is perfect, we all have flaws. And if he's willing to accept yours, you must also be willing to accept his.

And here, I don't mean HUGE flaws as being a abusive guy. Because that's just a no-no. But let's say he sometimes is sarcastic, or if he sometimes is messy, etc. Those little things are always forgivable because they make part of a whole that you love.

And don't worry about not feeling the rush of excitement right now. It's probably because you're still afraid of being hurt if you become too attached.

So, in a nutshell, my advice is not to push things but not prevent them either. Let them go with their natural course.

Des said...

Andy - Thanks for your insight. You're right, I don't want to become too attached right now. I'm still scared of being hurt. LeBlanc is very respectful, and a little sarcastic and a bit messy. But I am also all of the above :P

Modern-day-Holly said...

Im a plan freak too.. And yeah, I've been through that phase where my views on romance and relationship were too idealistic for my own good. Now I'm learning to take each day as it comes. I still have my plans though. But it's now easier for me to move on when something doesnt go my way. I hope things go well with you and LeBlanc! =)

Des said...

Holly - I'm trying to figure out what is "way too idealistic." I know I shouldn't expect other people to be, since I am definitely not. I guess there is that tinge of hope of that there is a prince charming out there, who can sweep me off my feet, and be everything that I wanted and never knew I needed. (I think that line is from a song, somewhere.)

Attaining Me said...

"I've always been someone who likes to have a plan, to know where I'm going, and where I am at the moment. I guess, one thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be that person all the time, because, frankly, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going and where I want to end up."
THe above is definitely on my roster of daily thoughts.

In regards to dating, I think when we are not ready to commit, be it whether from previous pain, etc, we are unable to let things progress with "nice" guys because we know that it will go in the direction of a relationship. They will wear their heart on their sleeve, etc. And we will have to end it and/ or be suffocated.

We attract men who don't pose this threat. Often they are "unavailable men" who can be jerks, or have another commitment, their work, triathlons, etc, etc . . .

Des said...

Attaining Me - I agree. I hate the feeling of being suffocated. I guess that feeling comes partly from just not being ready to commit. All the same, I hurting the nice guys, because I would really, really like to like them. If that makes any sense.