I Miss Him

LeBlanc is in London right now, 5 hours ahead.  Even though I spent the entire weekend with him (minus Saturday morning when I had to work, but he was sleeping, anyway), it didn't really hit me that he was leaving. 

It didn't hit me, when we cleaned up the kitchen.  (Mostly him, I hate cleaning other people's messes.  I would run downstairs and bring him the broom, so he can sweep, as I perched on a stool and point out spots he missed!  haha!)  

And it didn't hit me when he did his 3 loads of laundry.  Or when I helped him sort out his 3 loads of laundry and pack his bags.  Or when some of his friends came to hang out at his patio and he kept saying, "I don't want to go!"  Or when I drove him to his office to pick up dry cleaning.  Or when I drove him home to see his family for a little bit before his flight.  Or when his limo came to pick him up.  Or when he hugged me, and kissed my forehead, as his family was standing around us.

None of this really hit me.

It wasn't until after he left, and I started the drive home.  I stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas, turned the corner, and the radio played the song, "Music of my Heart" by NSync and Gloria Estetan.  And then, I started crying.  I haven't heard that song in ages, and it's not like we have a "song" or anything.  Maybe it was the lyrics.  I just felt like I would miss him.  A lot.  

I haven't missed someone like this in a while, and the feeling scares me a little.  It's a little overwhelming the reign he has on my emotions.  After Almond, I've kept my feelings guarded, but this feeling just happened.  

Would he miss me?  Is he sobbing pathetically while NSync is blasting from the radio?  

I miss him.  

Who do you miss right now???

I think I`m falling...

I know that I`ve kept my guard up with LeBlanc.  

But I think I`m really starting to fall for him.  It scares me, and it excites me at the same time.  That I can feel that way, again.  

It has been seeping it`s way into me these past few weeks.  It kinda hit me yesterday, when we were driving, and I was tense.  (I really hate driving downtown)  He reached over and it just relaxed me, then he told me I was doing a great job.  Then, afterwards when we went for dinner, and the way he looks at me.  The way he reached over the table and plays with my fingers.   

It`s really hard to for me to admit something like this.  I`m not sure why.  But I`m loving this feeling.  

What are the things that are hard for you to admit???

Norway... and some bad memories

LeBlanc might have his upcoming project in Norway.

He asked me on my thoughts about it, or as he put it, "Just wanted to run it by you, Des."  

I was excited and happy about it for him.  It's a project that he's really interested in, and something we both care about - sustainability.  I was also secretly happy he asked me, even though I wasn't going to say anything to stop him. 

Even though, I will miss him, I think this is a great opportunity.  I think I need to tell him that.  The "I miss him" part. 

LeBlanc was posted in Calgary when we started dating.  We would see each other once a week, and talk a couple of times a week on the phone.  I'm not a huge phone person, but I do like a quick chat to get a glimpse into his day, and I would want him to care about mine, too. 

When LeBlanc asked me what I thought, my first thought was back to this incident with Almond.

........................................................................................

He had really wanted to go on a trip with his friend to Japan for a few weeks.  On hindsight, I was selfish and I had apologized for it, but I realize three years later, that he probably never really forgave me.

Almond had asked me for my honest opinion, if I wanted him to go.  Being young, naive and selfish, I said, I wanted to go with him, and I thought that I would miss him too much if he went without me.  Silly, I know.  But at that moment, it felt like the end of the world if he left.  

Almond didn't go.  

After realizing my mistake, I apologized profusely.  I felt terrible.  I was supposed to be supportive, and instead, I was the opposite. 

Almond told me that it was ok.  That everything was fine.  That his parents probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.

Fast forward three years, we're sitting his car talking about his graduation plans.  He had been talking about moving to Cali for almost a month. Not once did he ask for my thoughts on it.

Almond:  I'm thinking of moving to California (Silicon Valley) to look for a job.  They have the best jobs in my field.  You can come down with me.  I'm sure they have jobs in your field there. 

...

Des:  You can't just assume that I will follow you.  You never even asked me my thoughts on it.

Almond:  Well, I already gave up my dreams for you, once.  I don't want to have to do it, again.

Des:  What's that supposed to mean?!

Almond:  Remember when I wanted to go to Japan, and you said that you didn't want me to go?  Going to Japan has been one of my life dreams, and I gave that up for you.  I don't want to have to give up everything for you.

Des:  What?!?!  How can you blame that on me?

Almond:  Well, you said you didn't want me to go, and I didn't.  But I'm not going to do it, again.

I remember my heart literally hurting.  I felt like I was slapped in the face.  I was sorry, and I had apologized right away after the incident 3 years ago, but Almond had assured me that he didn't have the money and his parent's probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.  On hind sight, I think he said that so I wouldn't feel bad at the time.  But I had no idea that he resented me for it.

I know that LeBlanc and Almond are very different, and one of the reasons that I'm drawn to LeBlanc is his straight up attitude.  But I don't want to be resented from someone I care about.  It really hurt.  What hurt the most was that when Almond resented me for so long for that Japan trip, and I had no clue.  I really thought that he had forgiven me.  

What's the most hurtful grudge that someone you cared about you has carried???

Reflections on The 100 Mile Diet: A Year of Local Eating by Alisa Smith and James McKinnon

This book was part of the bag of goodies from LeBlanc's birthday gift.  I had told him about aspiring to be more of a minimalist, and being more aware of my actions on the environment.  Plus, we both love food.  So it was a very thoughtful gift. :)  (I'm asking him to read it, too, so we can discuss it!)  

In a nutshell, this book documented the journey this couple took, to try to eat food that was from a 100-mile radius from their home in Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada.  It seems like a straight forward task, but a simple task it is not.  The narration of each chapter is alternated between Alisa and James.  We see how the diet impacts not only their eating habits, but their lives.

I learn that the average distance my food travels is 1,200 miles. (Then, I ran to my fridge and took a look at the sticker on my hot-house tomatoes.  It said "Mexico.")

One of the main themes that really made me reflect was the lack of connection that we have with the things we use everyday, including the food that we eat.  In losing that connection, we also lose a sense of our community.  We get our veggies, dairy, and meats at the grocery stores, but we don't see where it comes from before that.  

I, for one, did not even know where my tomatoes came from.  All I cared about was that it was less than $1.29/lb and they were red and firm.  

What about the farmers who grew them?  Are they compensated justly for their labour?  What about the fertilizers and pesticides used?  Were they picked when they were ripe, or or were they picked so they could ripen on the journey to my supermarket?  How much gas did it take to transport my tomatoes?  How does this impact our environment?  

If we were to take an inventory of all the food in our local supermarkets, how much of the food is local?  How much food is from another province?  Another country?  Another continent?

Is it necessary for our food to travel such long distances? Is it sustainable to the environmen?  Is it sustainable to the societies which support our consumption?  Is it healthy for us?

And the list of unanswered questions continue.  

I like this book because it is largely devoted to asking questions, and exploring different options.  It doesn't seek to judge or condemn our society, it just asks questions.  It also looks at how we have evolved, as a society, in the way which we get our food.  

In the past, when we used to live off our lands, we would grow our crops, and then preserve the surplus so that we can live off of it during the seasons we cannot yield any crops (i.e., winter for us in Canada.)  We don't do that anymore.  We can buy our favourite foods, year round at our local supermarkets.

One story that particularly touched me, was about the salmon in their local river.  Alisa and James had found a river where they could get salmon from, which was within their food radius.  Looking forward to heading back to the river, to get more salmon to preserve for the winter, they were devestated when a spillage of a toxic chemical killed all lifeforms in the river.  This meant there was no salmon for them this winter. 

This story touched me becuase I think we no longer feel this connection with our environment: that we depend on our environment to survive.  If I saw this on the news, I would think that it was sad news, but it would end there.  It doesn't affect me on a personal level.  But this book reminds us, that not too long ago, this kind of disaster would spell famine for all the people who lived in the village and depended on this salmon.  Disasters such as this, might not affect us on a personal level today, but it used to, and it still can.

What would our community be like if we had more connection with the things we eat, with the things we use?  Can you imagine buying your wheat from a farmer and knowing exactly how he grows it and processes it?  Or what about picking your own berries from a local farmer and eating it sweet and ripe, straight from the plant?  

In our fast paced world, it`s easy to get caught up in life, and we forget to enjoy the little things.  We forget to ask questions, and we assume that things are just the way they are.  

It`s also easy to forget that everything we use must come from somewhere, and sometimes, it`s important to know that whatever it is that we are using, we have a relationship with it.  And it has a relationship to the earth.  Maybe it`s time that we took a step back, and evaluate the decisions we are making, either consciously or unconsciously, and think about how they are affecting our lives, and our future.

What are your thoughts on local eating?  Do you think its important to know where your food comes from?