Thursday, May 14, 2009

Norway... and some bad memories

LeBlanc might have his upcoming project in Norway.

He asked me on my thoughts about it, or as he put it, "Just wanted to run it by you, Des."  

I was excited and happy about it for him.  It's a project that he's really interested in, and something we both care about - sustainability.  I was also secretly happy he asked me, even though I wasn't going to say anything to stop him. 

Even though, I will miss him, I think this is a great opportunity.  I think I need to tell him that.  The "I miss him" part. 

LeBlanc was posted in Calgary when we started dating.  We would see each other once a week, and talk a couple of times a week on the phone.  I'm not a huge phone person, but I do like a quick chat to get a glimpse into his day, and I would want him to care about mine, too. 

When LeBlanc asked me what I thought, my first thought was back to this incident with Almond.

He had really wanted to go on a trip with his friend to Japan for a few weeks.  On hindsight, I was selfish and I had apologized for it, but I realize three years later, that he probably never really forgave me.

Almond had asked me for my honest opinion, if I wanted him to go.  Being young, naive and selfish, I said, I wanted to go with him, and I thought that I would miss him too much if he went without me.  Silly, I know.  But at that moment, it felt like the end of the world if he left.  

Almond didn't go.  

After realizing my mistake, I apologized profusely.  I felt terrible.  I was supposed to be supportive, and instead, I was the opposite. 

Almond told me that it was ok.  That everything was fine.  That his parents probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.

Fast forward three years, we're sitting his car talking about his graduation plans.  He had been talking about moving to Cali for almost a month. Not once did he ask for my thoughts on it.

Almond:  I'm thinking of moving to California (Silicon Valley) to look for a job.  They have the best jobs in my field.  You can come down with me.  I'm sure they have jobs in your field there. 
Des:  You can't just assume that I will follow you.  You never even asked me my thoughts on it.
Almond:  Well, I already gave up my dreams for you, once.  I don't want to have to do it, again.
Des:  What's that supposed to mean?!
Almond:  Remember when I wanted to go to Japan, and you said that you didn't want me to go?  Going to Japan has been one of my life dreams, and I gave that up for you.  I don't want to have to give up everything for you.
Des:  What?!?!  How can you blame that on me?
Almond:  Well, you said you didn't want me to go, and I didn't.  But I'm not going to do it, again.

I remember my heart literally hurting.  I felt like I was slapped in the face.  I was sorry, and I had apologized right away after the incident 3 years ago, but Almond had assured me that he didn't have the money and his parent's probably wouldn't let him go, anyway.  On hind sight, I think he said that so I wouldn't feel bad at the time.  But I had no idea that he resented me for it.

I know that LeBlanc and Almond are very different, and one of the reasons that I'm drawn to LeBlanc is his straight up attitude.  But I don't want to be resented from someone I care about.  It really hurt.  What hurt the most was that when Almond resented me for so long for that Japan trip, and I had no clue.  I really thought that he had forgiven me.  

What's the most hurtful grudge that someone you cared about you has carried???


Andy said...

Hm... Grudges... I know.

Though we weren't bf/gf, he got bothered that I was TALKING to other guys. When we eventually became more serious, he couldn't help it but to say it many multiple times. It really pissed me off.

Des said...

Andy - Jealousy is something that is so ugly. Though, I know it`s human to be jealous sometimes, but it`s sad how it can make an otherwise nice person be so unbearable.

Greears said...

Today, my college best friend emailed me to tell me that she is having cocktails tonight with the first love of my life. It is a seriously unrequieted situation the kind that movies are made of. Her email was like being revisited by a ghost. I spent the day reliving that relationship and time of my life (20 years ago). She has promised to get details for me and I will admit that I'm more than a little interested...

I had to call someone to tell them about this odd life event. Who else knows of this person and this time but my mother. "Can you believe it?" I asked. "You know he was my first love and it really was the worst heart break I ever had."

She said, "It should have been his heart broken." I thought this was a validating statement and was really loving her until she said, "what with the TRANSMITTED he gave you."

I'd never told her about the hitchhiker I'd picked up before him. Or the college flings. Or well, anything.

And so for these twenty years she has carried this grudge against this boy with her, spewing it out at me in a mixed message.

Balloon popped, I said, "Mom, that was not entirly his fault these things happen." Knowing that it was not his fault at all, but not wanting to admit to that.

She said, "I know, I just can't help it."

Now, because of that grudge, I'm not only getting to relive the sweet memories, but the painful ones as well.

Time rolls by. Events are reshaped in our memories. We change. But none of this can happen if grudges are carried.

You might not want to post this, it's pretty sensational of me. But, thanks for letting me get it off my chest. Vince is off working and I think I'll be able to fall asleep now.

Let LaBlanc go. Be excited for him. Get a cell phone with international texting. You won't be able to be kept apart for long.

Des said...

Greears - Thanks for sharing your story. I love how parents can always be counted on to be on their children's side. Events are only what we remember them to be, and I'm sure that my parents will recall my break-up with Almond a lot different than how I do. Unfortunately, I can't recall the sweet memories without the painful ones, as well. I can only hope that one day, I will recall the sweeter ones more, and forget more of the painful ones.

LeBlanc has gone now. We talked about it, and we don't think its such a huge deal, and we will still keep in touch, and he will visit when he can. I am planning on making a trip over to Europe this summer, and we're planning that now. He also left me with a project - to redecorate his apartment. I'm excited, I just ran the colour palette by him, and ready to hit up fabric and paint stores (aka IKEA).

He's in London right now, and heading to Norway next week :)