Thoughts on Weddings (in general)

No, LeBlanc and I are not getting married. These are just my thoughts on weddings, in general. Especially after my experience through some of my friends' and co-workers' weddings.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I want a "traditional" wedding, or maybe even any wedding. Coming from a big Asian family, and being the oldest grandchild on my dad's side, I have a fear that my wedding would become some sort of circus show of varying degrees of family politics and having face. Basically, I feel that I have to be putting on a big show. I am also lazy, and am not the type of person to "ooohh" and "aaaah" over flowers, napkins, center pieces, decorations, etc. I don't want to spend a lot of money on things just to put on what I feel is a very expensive show.

Weddings are expensive, and I don't want to spend money on planning an event that is so stressful. Even with just the "basics", usually you still have the following expenses for 50 to 80 guests:

• Dress ($500 - $1000)
• Hair and make up ($100 - $300)
• Venue ($3000 - $7000)
• Flowers and decorations ($1000 - $3000)
• Photography/videography ($1000 - $2000)
• Wedding cake ($300 - $800)

I want to spend money on things that are important to me, and putting on a big show is not. I don't want to be a bride who is simply waiting for her wedding day to be over, because she is so stressed.

Having said all that, this is what I would like, if I were to have a wedding (non big show style).

I would love to have a very small outdoor wedding with about 10 to 12 people. In the fall, in a park with my parents, my sisters and one or two close friends. I would like to do the traditional tea ceremony with my parents. We'd take a few photo's to remember and then take everyone out for dinner afterwards.

No big decorations. No flowers (except maybe a bouquet). No center pieces. No fancy invitations or name cards. No band. No cake. Though I would like a dress. Maybe not a completely traditional western or Chinese one. Maybe one like this.

Just us and the people who mean the most to us.

I am not bashing big weddings, I just know that's not what I want, and its not what makes me happy. This is partly because of the craziness I hear and experience. I just feel that society portrays that as a bride, you get to go crazy because it is your day. You get to be a princess and throw the biggest party because it will make you happy. A beautiful gown. A gorgeous cake. Breath taking flowers. The perfect venue and menu.

Except that when I think of all those things, I feel there is a daunting list of things to plan, to arrange, and to make sure that everyone is happy - and that's what I don't want. It stresses me out.

What are your thoughts on weddings?? Do you want a big wedding or small wedding?? What is the most important part of a wedding for you???

Long Distance Relationship Work and Playful Banter

I'm not one who is new to long distance relationships. Almond and I had done it several times. As with any relationship, it shouldn't be too difficult, but at the same time, it's not easy. In a nutshell, these are the most important take away points I've learned.

Usually, there is very little time to spend together (i.e. on the phone). You usually see only the best of each other at those times, and would rather not bring up topics that are not so happy. Sometimes, important issues can get swept under the rug because you don't want to waste this precious time you have together. Similarly, these items which get swept under the rug can get pent up and explode into a very ugly situation.

LeBlanc has been away on business in Australia for the past month. Having a 16 hour time difference puts some strain on our relationship. We talked about it before he left, and one of the things we were going to work on was communication and trying to include each other in our daily goings, with a combination of phone calls, texting, and e-mails.

As hard as we both try, one person usually does more of the above than the other. In my case, I felt a little neglected when LeBlanc and I hadn't talked in a few days. I knew that he had been working really long hours, and could just picture that when he came home, he would just collapse into sleep. But still. I wanted a call. I am his girlfriend. I am human. And I am selfish. Hmmph.

I also happened to be having a not-so-great week at work. I was afraid that I would be mad with feelings of pent up neglect by the time LeBlanc finally called, so I texted him a "heads up".

Des: I am feeling neglected.

LeBlanc: Terribly sorry... Meant to call you last night but fell asleep as soon as I got home. What are you up to now?

Des: At work.

LeBlanc then called. It was so great hearing his voice and the anger melted away. I told him about my week, and he told me about his. His project had hit somewhat of a stand-still and he wasn't sure if he would be back in Toronto (his project was originally 7 weeks overseas). I was almost afraid to hope that he'd be back for fear of it not happening.

Anyway, after our brief chat, I went back to work, and he got up to start his day.

I got an e-mail shortly after.

To: Des

From: LeBlanc
Subject: Fwd: Awwww... Poor Piglet

Just wanted to remind you that I do read your messages : )

-- LeBlanc

To: LeBlanc
From: Des

Subject: Re: Fwd: Awwww... Poor Piglet

Thanks :)

I do send a lot of them. I guess I think of you often.

I did feel a little miffed last night and this morning. These if a part of me that is understanding, and a part of me that is not, and sometimes they clash. I just feel how I feel, and figured I should let you know so that I don't explode on you, and squander the little time we do have to talk being mad. I know you are working a lot and long hours, and frustrated about your project. And I don't want to add to your stress, and I hope that I am not.

I hope your project works out, I know how much you were looking forward to it. I am excited for you! And I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

*kiss*

-- Des

To: Des

From: LeBlanc
Subject: Fwd: Awwww... Poor Piglet

That e-mail made me smile a lot... especially on the inside.

I hope that's what you were going for.

-- LeBlanc

Then the playful text banter. My favourite part!

Des: I probably should have added in the e-mail that patience is not one of my virtues.

LeBlanc: It's OK... Luckily, I'm a wonderful person.

Des: Yes, as wonderful as your are modest.

LeBlanc: Yes... Lots of both. (Said with a smile).

Des: Sounds perfect. Now you only need a spice rack*.

*Inside joke. I was impressed with this guy my friend is dating because he has a spice rack in his apartment. Lame, I know.

Update: LeBlanc came back yesterday afternoon! Hooray! And he brought a little friend for me, Mr. Koala aka Mr. K.**

**This is not an actual picture of Mr. K, but he does look very similar.

What are your experiences with long distance relationships? And what words of wisdom do you have to share about you long distance experience?

Too Much Apologizing?

I'm the type of person who will be ridden with guilt, if you tell me that I've hurt your feelings, or hurt you in any way. I will feel absolutely terrible. I will rack my brains trying to retrace all steps that led to this situation, and I will apologize for absolutely everything that I can think of that has led to this. Then, I will beat up on myself for not having realized it soon. That's a pattern that I've noticed in the last few years.

It's true what they say, "It's a lot easier making friends than keeping them."

This weekend, I went out with a bunch of friends from my college class - kinda like a little class reunion of the "FOB" group. I wasn't particularly close to most people in the group, but we often studied together and hung out during college. The one person I was closer to in the group, J, seemed to be upset at me.

Just the distant kinda feeling, where even though it's been a while, they are not as super excited to see you as you are them. Ouch. She wasn't rude, or anything, but when I suggested we get together, she didn't say much.

I remember when Almond and I were on the verge of breaking up, he said something like, "I'm tired of always being the one who apologizes." I guess that's how I feel now.

J and I have had 2 major fights where I felt like I was fighting more than I should be for our friendship.

Example 1:

I went on exchange to Singapore with a classmate, P. We were all friends, and there was obviously chemistry and something going on between her and P. What I didn't know what that P had a gf in another city. Upon knowing this, and knowing that J and P's gf deserved better, I tried to convince J that this was a bad idea, but also tried not to judge her.

J and P try to do the "just friends" thing for a while, and J ends up getting hurt even more.

Fast forward to Singapore, P is the only person I know there. Even though I felt like I hated his guts for what he did to my friend, I can't explain to you the relief of a familiar face in a foreign country. So we start hanging out sometimes, though I did eventually meet new friends.

I also met P's gf (Note: They had broken up but had previously made plans to go on exchange to the same school in Singapore. Awkward.), and we hung out sometimes. I found out that she was actually a very cool person, and we had a ton in common, so we became friends. I told J that we were friends, but I didn't really go into much detail since I knew that J saw her as "the enemy." Even though there was a time difference of 12 hours or so, and we didn't talk as frequently, I felt that J had started giving me the cold shoulder.

After much prodding, I find out that she's actually de-friended me on Facebook, and has indeed been purposely giving me the cold shoulder. She said that she felt that I had betrayed her by being friends with P's ex gf.

I spent the next week trying to explain myself, that it was not my intention to betray her and I was still her friend. As an exchange student, you meet all the exchange students, and she was just someone I had a lot in common with. I never would have brought what happened between her and P up, or discuss it with her. This apology went on for almost a month, and things were still a little awkward when I came back from exchange, until she felt that she could trust me, again. Even last year, when I saw her MSN status as: "Why would you be friends with someone who hurt me?" when she found out that we had gone out for dinner.

I felt that I was always there for J when she was going through the P ordeal. But I never saw that P's ex gf had hurt her. If anything, P and J should have known better. But I still don't see anything wrong being friends with someone whom I click with. At the end of it, J believed me that I didn't mean to hurt her, and accepted my apology. But on hindsight, was there really a need for me to defend myself and my loyalty to her that much? Did I really need to apologize and practically beg for forgiveness? I don't know, but I did because I thought her friendship was really important to me.

Example 2:

Last year, we were all planning our graduation trips. Though, I'm no world traveler, I've done my share of traveling, and have a few suggestions / pointers when asked.

I lived in Boston for 4 months, and have traveled to New York City NY, Cleveland OH, Houston TX and some neighboring states. I also went on exchange in Singapore for 4 months and visited various cities in Malaysia, Cambodia, Vietnam, Indonesia and Thailand.

Mostly, I have backpacked through out and explored with my group of friends. The Lonely Planet Guides were awesome. (Not the best thing out there, but definitely very practical.) My friends and I (including LeBlanc) stayed in hostels and guest houses, took buses/ subways or taxi's to get around.

I was often surprised at how there was always some way to communicate, whether it be pointing at a map, using a hand gestures, or speaking a little broken dialect from one of our backgrounds. It felt like there was some sort of global connection anywhere we went. After these trips, I strongly believe that with a little research, everyone can plan their trip to almost anywhere in the world, and tailor it to their style and budget.

So when I heard that J's graduation trip was joining a Contiki tour to see Europe in 2 weeks, I kinda knew how it would be like, and how much she would probably enjoy it. She was seeing about 7 countries in 2 weeks. I knew it would be mostly travel time, and spending maybe only a few hours at each site before rushing to the next site, or a hotel. But when I tried to explain this to her when she asked for my opinion, she only saw it as me putting down her trip and being unsupportive.

We have a tight group (four of us) and what I didn't realize was that she had told my other two friends who basically saw it the same way she did, but also empathized with her, i.e., big bully Des picking on little J who was so helpless. I'm serious. It was only when I was getting the cold shoulder from one of the two other friends that I was confused.

Again, I apologize for hurting J's feeling even though I had done it with the best of intentions. And I knew that when she came back from the trip that she felt that it was just going from one site to the next. It's never a simple apology, I always feel like I need defend myself and prove to her that I'm a good friend despite the mishap.

Fast forward to now-ish. She's been busy with her life, and I've been busy with mine. I try to keep in touch via e-mail or a phone call every so often to see how she is doing. But when my e-mails go unanswered and my phone calls go unreturned, I feel it is rude, and am a little peeved myself. She also cancelled out last minute on a few plans, and I guess I just feel ditched. I try to be understanding and shake it off, but I feel how I feel.

So at this dinner thing, I suggested we do something, and she said, "Well, the last time we did something was for your birthday." I think she was mad that I kinda forgot about hers. I guess she has a right to be mad, but it's way too late now. And I just don't feel like apologizing and fighting for our friendship. Again.

It's not that I have a problem with apologizing, it's just that it doesn't end with the apology. I feel like there are so many loops to jump through afterwards. To once again prove that I am a good friend.

Obviously I make mistakes, but so does everyone else. And so does she. She has hurt me before, but I don't make her feel bad about it for weeks or months at a time. J was supposed to go on exchange to Singapore, as well. We made plans for it, for almost a year. I was looking forward to spending 4 months abroad with my friend. The week we are about to leave, she changes her mind and cancels. When she first told me, I was devastated and angry. I was really disappointed.

But I thought that our friendship was more important than this trip, so when she apologized, I accepted her apology and made the effort to get together before I left. I wanted to let her know that I was mad when she first told me, but I was trying to understand and I wasn't mad anymore. Though I did wish she would be there to share all the fun with me, and would miss her.

I'm not trying to measure "sizes of mistakes" or anything, but on hindsight, that was a huge dissappointment for me, but I wasn't mad for long, nor did I want to make her feel bad. I mean, forgiving a friend is easy. But I feel like when I do something that has wronged her, it's always so much to get her forgiveness.

Is this bad??? I do feel awful, but I also just feel tired of it. I shouldn't have to keep proving myself every time, right???

So Cute :)

LeBlanc and I went to see the Cirque du Soleil performance of Ovo last weekend.

He got last minutes tickets for us and we weren't able to sit together. He was in seat 9 and I was in seat 11 (or something like that). It turns out that we were at the "aisle/walkway" seats. So no one was between us, but there was a walkway between us.

I was completely engrossed in the show -- it was fabulous, by the way. Those people are made out of rubber!

At half time, we head out to stretch our legs.

LeBlanc: You know, if you had moved your foot a little to the left, I could touch your feet.

me: Huh?

LeBlanc: You were sitting so straight, and I was trying to reach over and touch your feet, but it was too far.

me: Ohhhh. That's so cute!

After half time, I made sure that my foot was a little bit in the "aisle way", and when LeBlanc reached his foot over, our feet touched. So, even though we didn't get to sit next to each other to enjoy the show, we enjoyed it with our feet touching in the aisle. And I think it's even more romantic than him having his arm around me.

Kissing

"Eight out of ten women believe that the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship." -- Hitch, 2005

Kissing is important. To say the least. It's how we can express our emotions to each other. Whether they be tender, lustful, sad, desperate, mysterious, angry. Whether it's our first kiss, or not. A kiss on the cheek, forehead, nose, lips, neck or any other body part...

I have mentioned before that LeBlanc and I were friends. We had a common group of friends of the people we traveled with while on exchange in Singapore. He always seemed like a nice guy, but he seemed so carefree and goofy all the time, that I never really saw any other side of him.

One of the things that struck me about LeBlanc was the way he kissed me.

I'm thinking back to our first date, when what I thought I knew about him changed.

It was the way he kissed me, and the way he took his time to build up to the kiss. In a slow-flirtatious-shy kind of manner. Tracing his fingers along the length of my arm, and massaging my neck and shoulders. Tickling me. Holding me close, and then waiting for me to go the last bit.

From this kiss, I felt like I was seeing a completely new LeBlanc. Not the LeBlanc who leads our travel group on our crazy adventures, or the LeBlanc who does the silly things (like wear his underwear...). No, this was a LeBlanc who was gentle and sexy, and sensitive to me. His kisses were soft, gently, and teasingly. And it felt so good.

Even though I love all sorts of kisses. One of my favourites would have the be the forehead kiss. There's just something so sweet and simple about being kissed on the forehead. One time, it was before LeBlanc was leaving for Norway, and we went to his parents' for dinner. The taxi was going to pick him up at his parents, so we didn't really have a private farewell. We were standing in front of the taxi, his little brothers were watching. I gave LeBlanc a quick hug, and he held me for a moment and planted a kiss on my forehead.

How do you like to be kissed?? Would a guy have a chance if he didn't kiss well?? Would there be a point of a second date, if the kiss didn't go well???

Blah...

Yesterday, I got an email from someone I considered a good friend telling me she now realizes that our friendship is no longer a priority for me. It was a long and drawn out process, she told me, but she said she's glad that she realizes it now, and basically doesn't care.

A series of events have led to this path, and I am sorry to say that I have neglected my friends while LeBlanc and I have been dating. Except that I never really saw it as neglect until we chatted about it yesterday. It was hard to swallow that a group of my friends who I was once closer to, has felt for some time that they are my back up friends when LeBlanc is not around.

I wish someone had told me, but I guess it was something that I should have known. I just honestly thought that everyone was busier with their lives, and that it wasn't a big deal, if I don't make all the outings. But I guess I just missed one too many.

It kinda sucks. I feel like posting up the conversation, but I don't have the energy to post it now. I just want to go to sleep for a few days, and wake up feeling less rotten than I do, now.

Have you done this before?? Any words of wisdom to pass along??

New Standards

My girl friend, B and I went our for dinner last Friday night.

Throughout dinner, we talked about the usual: work, goals, money, boys.

B was just starting to see someone new, and I wanted to only know ALL the juice. As she spilled the beans, and we proceeded to pick this guy apart. We realized that the things we are looking for in a potential partner have changed a lot. From when we were in our high school days, to even our college days (and we only graduated last year -- 2008!).

One of the things that stood out about this new guy, lets call him "D", was that he had a spice rack in his condo. Imagine that, we were both so impressed with this spice rack, whereas a couple years ago, I could really care less.

I guess it's not so much the spice rack, but what it could mean for both B and I. To me, it means that he is somewhat of a cook, and takes pride in his culinary skills. He doesn't have to be an Iron Chef, but I can picture that he might cook me delicious meal on a date in, or be able to take care of himself (and hence, perhaps me!)and eat fairly yummy food .

We went through our list of what qualities qualify and which ones gets boys axed. I think this reflects not only our personalities, but also where we are in life, and what we have now come to expect in terms of quality of life.

We have both come to agree that "love is not enough."

In addition to attraction and caring for someone, which are important. But just as important would be to have similar life goals, similar views on finances, similar culture (and I don't mean the same race), respect of individuality. I would like my guy to be ambitious, but also financially stable.

1) Similar life time goals

I'm not sure what my ultimate goal is, but I would like to live a life that is relatively simple (minimal material possession) and be able to help others who are less fortunate than myself. I want to be able to contribute to sustainable development, whether it be through my work, or through other experiences.

2) Similar views on finances

I see money as a tool to live a lifestyle that is in line with my beliefs. I don't believe that we need a lot of material possessions to lead a full filling life, and I don't want to spend my money on the upkeep of things that do not add value to my life. However, I do see money as a tool to free myself from things that I do not want to do, and pursue my own interests. For instance, nto having to work at a job I do not like simply to pay the bills.

3) Similar respect for culture

My background is Chinese and I was born in Toronto. I think I am very open to new ideas and new cultures, and I think that it is important that my guy also has similar thinking. Whether it be heading out for a night of Indian food, or supporting the Gay Pride Parade.

4) Respect of individuality

I want to be trusted and respected for the decisions that I make. We may discuss it together; however, we may not always agree. This may be a big decision like going back to school, or studying abroad, or maybe a small decision, like buying an expensive pair of shoes (after saving up, of course!).

5) Ambitious and financially stable

Since I am an ambitous person, I find it attractive that my guy is also in the same boat. He doesn't have to super love his job, but he should be proud of what he does, and always aim to improve his skill set and always seek to learn. This was something that I found really unappealing about Hagan Daaz. He was super happy that he could watch 4 episodes of House at work...Yeaa...

I am no gold digger, and don`t think I have super expensive tastes. However, I refuse to support someone who does not try to help themselves. I worked hard to get where I am now, and no one is going to mooche off me. My guy should also be responsible for his finances, and be able to take care of himself, and maybe have some investments. Again, I am not asking for something in a guy that I don`t already do myself.

To summarize, the bar has been raised since my first dating days in high school. However, I think that I myself, have also raised the bar for myself. I hold myself to the same standards that I am looking for. I think that`s fair.

My Outfit

LeBlanc and I are going to one of his high school buddy's wedding, and I'll be his guest! I'm so excited - to dress up, and of course, to dress LeBlanc up. teehee.

Side rant:

My aunt from Houston is visiting for about 3 weeks. She usually visits twice a year for that amount of time. It seems that during these visits, we are obligated to put aside our lives for the 3 weeks, and go out every weekend. That's the thing with Chinese families. They are always so big, and there are always so many occasions to remember. This is sort of one of those times. And if you don't, you are guilt tripped that you don't care about your family. Sigh.

Anyway, I had promised LeBlanc I would go way back in August, and I am really looking forward to this! So, I am going to have to put up with the guilt tripping, and suck it up. I love my family, but sometimes, there are just too many occasions to keep up with.

So, this is the dress I have in mind. I think I can wear this to both the ceremony and reception. Maybe throw a shawl over it at the ceremony. I never know what to do about accessories. Any feedback and suggestions would be much appreciated.

My dress.

My shoes.

My accessories (green shiny earrings and my Movado watch).

Any suggestions for accessories?? No necklace right?? I'm always afraid I'll look overdone... Help!!

Please Punch Me in the Face if I'm Annoying

I want my guy to punch me in the face if I'm annoying. Figuratively speaking, of course.

I was reading this post from Loayza from Become a Young Successful Entrepreneur. This is a post where he talks about how he determined his girlfriend was the one.

An important point he brought up was to be able to have a fight with his girlfriend. He says that it shows that he cares enough to get into an argument with her. Which raises a very good point for me.

When Almond and I were dating, we hardly every fought (for almost 5 years!). True, we were both very easy going people, but sometimes, I would just get annoyed and snap. But, Almond would not.

If I got annoyed, Almond would try calm me down or try to rationalize with me. But he would never lose his cool with me. If he got mad, he would rather be alone until the anger passed.

I know that different people deal with anger or feelings, in general, differently, but this really bothered me. It bothered me especially more towards the end of our relationship, when I felt like I had to yell or cry just to be heard, and Almond was always as cool as a cucumber.

I really wanted Almond to just get mad at me. To yell at me. For some reason, I felt like this "calm facade" was a shield for him not to reveal his raw emotions to me, and that I wasn't worth the effort to fight.

I did know part of the reason behind this behavior. Almond's parents fought a lot. Almond said that he hated the idea of yelling at me, or losing his temper. He said that he didn't see why we couldn't just speak calmly. He didn't see what yelling or fighting would get accomplished.

For me, this was a main contributor to why we didn't work out. Even though, Almond had his alone moments to sort through his thoughts, he never told me the things that bothered him about me.

It all came out in verbal diarhea that had been suppressed for almost 5 years, after we broke up. Random thoughts that were suppressed that he held against me like a grudge, blaming me for not knowing, because I should have known.

Should have known how he really felt about going to Japan, when he told me it was OK.

Should have known how mad he was when I gave him wrong directions my first week at my new house.

Should have known that he didn't want banana and strawberry smoothies.

And yes, these were the exact examples he brought up! But not once, had he actually told me when we were together. When he was in fact, fuming with anger inside. Men.

And so that concludes my previous experience of having fights in my past relationships. Fast forward to now.

LeBlanc and I haven't had a big fight, yet. There have been annoyances - some bigger than others. Sometimes, I can be annoying, and I can read the signs. Sometimes LeBlanc gets up and physically removes himself from situation because he is annoyed, and he thinks he will snap at me if he doesn't. Sometimes, it is my fault, and sometimes, it's just a bunch of factors.

LeBlanc and I have had some serious talks, and I have asked him to let me know when something is up, or if I do something that upsets him, or if something changes. I think he thinks that this stems from my previous relationship, which it does, but more importantly, I just want to know that I am worth the effort of a fight. Maybe I should be more clear.

What are your thoughts fighting in a relationship?? How do you and your significant other deal with these fights?? How do you think they have helped you and your relationship??

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days. One of those days when things have snowballed during the week, and that one thing, no matter how minute and small, just tips the scale. You need a good cry. You can't solve anything, but bawling your eyes out for a little bit will just help.

Fabulously Broke described it really well in her post, "It's a Girl Thing, Honey." (I actually sent that article to LeBlanc for future reference when I found that post a couple months ago.)

I had a bad week at work last week. A couple days, I was feeling a bit under the weather, and I just called in sick. Then I felt down about that, because I felt like I should be more compassionate about my job. When lately, I've just felt kinda "meh", and I can't imagine myself doing this my entire life. Processing paper work, writing specifications, babysitting clients, putting up with dodgy contractors, etc etc.

Then, of course there was my "I love you" moment with LeBlanc last weekend where I was a little hurt. Not his fault, but it added to my snowball.

Then there was the possibility of LeBlanc going away to The Democratic Republic of Congo for a possible project. It might be for a few months, and we're not sure if he would be able to come back very often. And I was afraid it would just be too hard if we didn't see each other for 4 or 5 months. I would really miss him.

This morning started simply enough. We woke up around 11ish, and LeBlanc promised to make me scrambled eggs and pea meal bacon for breakfast. Some of his friends were visiting, so we went for coffee first, and post poned breakfast until afterwards. (Aside: I get really grouchy when I'm hungry.)

After coffee, we went to buy our breakfast ingredients. But LeBlanc wanted to stop by the Army Surplus store to look for a bday present for his little brother. So we looked a little, but couldn't really find something. I suggested we come back after breakfast. (Yea, I want my food!)

So we're back his apartment, and the kitchen is really quite a dirty mess. Four male consultant roommates. Always working. Never at home. Rarely clean. So LeBlanc starts cleaning, and tells me not to worry about the mess and I can start cooking while he cleans. I start cooking pea meal bacon. Fry tomatoes. Scramble eggs. And some instant curry.

LeBlanc takes a call from his little brother who is doing practice interviews with. His little bro is graduating from college this coming spring and has some upcoming interviews. LeBlanc has been helping him by asking some typical questions, and guiding him with presenting his thought process.

I come downstairs and LeBlanc is on the phone. And this is where bitchy Des enters the scene.

I get upset that I need to wait for him, and kinda stalked off. And then I start to feel the snowball effect of above mentioned events. I take a long shower to suppress the tears and hope that the snow ball will pass. LeBlanc knocks on the door to let me know he's done, but I don't want to come out with my tear stained face.

By the time I leave the washroom, I find the house empty.

I spoon myself a serving of curry and queue up a tv show. Then LeBlanc comes in. With a little "sorry gift" for me. But I'm upset and a brush it away.

LeBlanc: Ouch. Ummm... I'll go get the food.

And he heads upstairs. At this point, I couldn't suppress tears and emotions, and I went to the washroom to cry. I know, I know. I am pathetic, and bitchy.

LeBlanc knocks on the washroom, and can tell I am crying. I finally open the door but I turn off the lights so he doesn't see my tear stained face. (I look absolutely awful when I cry. My eyes are all red and puffy, and smaller than they already are. My nose is red. And my nose is full of snots and I can barely speak cuz I'm all choked up.)

LeBlanc asks to come in, and brings said food into the washroom (on top of the toilet) and hugs me, and asks me what's wrong. When all I could do was sniffle out some snorts.

LeBlanc: When you cry, it scares me.

me: *sniffle* Why?

LeBlanc: I don't know what to do, or why.

LeBlanc suggests we take our food out of the washroom and talk about it in his room, so that our food does not get contaminated.

I still can't really talk, but I try to wipe away my tears, while hiding behind my hair.

LeBlanc: I've never seen you cry before. It's so feminine. You're usually so strong.

me: *sniffles*

LeBlanc: You look cute when you cry.

me: I look terrible!

LeBlanc: You look cute and sexy. You're all pouty.

LeBlanc gives me his "sorry present", again, and I accept it this time.

LeBlanc: I went out to look for a necklace for you, cuz I know you're looking for one. But I'm not very good with buying necklaces. Or clothes. Or shoes. Or sandals. So I got you a little bag, with something in it.

LeBlanc gives me a little wooden ring with blue flowers on it, and places in on my finger. I'm not anymore, and start to loose the lump in my throat. I feel silly and continue to cry into his shoulders, trying not to leave too much snot on his shirt. I'm such a lady.

We eat our long awaited breakfast and watch our new favourite show, The Big Bang Theory.

Afterwards, I explain to him it wasn't really his fault, and tell him about the above mentioned events. Except for the "I love you" part. And we talked things through. And things are a lot better, now. And he recalled the article I sent to him earlier, and asked if it was one of those days. It was indeed.

I wanted to apologize for being such a bitch in the morning when he was just helping out his little brother. But I was afraid I would start bawling, again, so I sent him an e-mail. I hope he understands.

I feel so lucky to have found someone so sweet and caring.

Do you have those days?? How do you deal with them??

I Think I Love You

As you know, I've been thinking it for a while, and recently decided that I was almost ready to tell LeBlanc that I love him.I love him for because he makes me happy. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel special and loved. He is intelligent and ambitious, and yet modest and humble. He is patient. He is sweet and thoughtful. He is kind and gentle. He calms me down when he senses I'm tense. He listens to my crazy ideas of life, and encourages me to pursue said crazy ideas :)

So, I've been having this build up of emotion. It started one day at a traffic light when I was worked up from driving through downtown rush hour traffic. Hate. Doing. That. But he reached over and gave me a squeeze and told me I'm doing great.

Then, there was last weekend when he queued up my favourite Taylor Swift songs on YouTube and sang along, even with his friends around. (He doesn't get embarrassed easily, eh!)

Or how he never gets mad at me even though I've stolen the blanket in the middle of the night from him on several occasions and he's gotten a bit of a cold in the morning.

I like watching him help his little brothers with their homework.

I like that he is proud of my work, and introduces me as a "real" engineer and that I'm "smarter than him" even though, I don't think it's true.

And lately the urge to tell him how I feel has been a bit overwhelming. But...

When was the right time? ...The right place? ...How should I say it? ...Should I be scared of being the first to say it? ...What if he doesn't feel the same way? ...Would he think I'm moving too fast and pushing him away? ...Am I making myself too vulnerable?

But last night, I did it.

He drove me home after dinner with his family at his parents' house. We kissed good night, and I went to grab my bags. Then, I decided that I had to tell him right then, and didn't want to put it off any longer.

I hug him, and say, "I think I love you."

There is a pause, as I think he is digesting my unexpected farewell.

LeBlanc: Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

Another pause.

LeBlanc: I really like you a lot.

me: Ummm. Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

LeBlanc: This is new to me. I've never felt this way before.

me: What's that?

LeBlanc: Felt like I really like someone.

Aside thought: I admit, I was a wee bit dissappointed that he didn't say that he loved me, too. But, I was kinda prepared for the fact that LeBlanc, might not in fact be

1) ready to say it

2) might not feel it

I don't want him to say that if he does not mean it. I don't want him to just say it because I said it. And I appreciate his honesty. I am glad that I was able to tell him how I feel. But, still.

PS. I've been working on a new blog which focuses on personal finance. Join me on my journey to financial freedom at FrugalGirlintheCity.blogspot.com!

Meals for the Week

A little planning goes a long way. Cooking your own meals is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Not only do you save a tonne of money, you also have complete control over the quality of your ingredients, the amount of fat, sodium and seasonings you put in your food.

I've been cooking for myself since I started college, and I think I've gotten a little better every year. I usually cook in the beginning of the week, and eat left overs for the rest of the week.

Lately, I just discovered a very simple method to proportion my food, and store it easier. Tupperware!!!

Instead of storing my food in a large tupperware containers, I store them in individual tupper ware containers after the food has cooled down. This way, I just grab one as I run out the door leaving for work for lunch. And for dinner, I just empty one onto my plate and microwave away.

This week's lunches and dinner is rice with sauteed eggplant in my special sauce, and tomatoes stir fried with oyster mushrooms and green onions in a satay sauce.

Grocery Bill Total: $5.73

Oyster mushrooms: $2.59

Tomatoes: $0.91

Green Onions: $0.50

Eggplants: $1.73

Total of 6 servings with an average serving cost of $0.96

And you get a healthy meal made of fresh ingredients!!!

How do you save money in the kitchen???

Early Retirement???

For my parents, not me. I just started working a year ago :)

So many times, as a young working adult trying to balance my life and bank account, I wonder how my parents raised us. With only one working parent from when I was in kindergarten until I was in grade 7, I am still befuddled as to how my parents managed to take care of us with one income source. (My dad was the breadwinner, though my mom did babysit for cash, which mainly went to savings for emergencies. We also saved money on day care and other services that way, too.)

My sisters and I grew up blessed with the greatest parents in the world. Who had so little, and yet were able to give us so much.

One of the greatest lessons that my parents taught us was appreciation for money, and how to be frugal. Though money cannot buy many things, money can give us a choice.

My parents did not have much of a choice when they were raising us. Yet, they still chose to be good parents.

Even though we could have used the money, my dad tried not to work overtime too much. Instead, he would spend the extra time, bringing my sisters and I to the library. Fixing things around the house. In the summers, he would take our whole family to various trips. CNE and Ontario Place (with the school coupon), Wasaga Beach, camping, and watching fireworks on Victoria Day and Canada Day.

My mom chose to be a stay at home mom. My mom also babysat other children for some extra cash. My mom went beyond the call of duty for a babysitter. She taught the kids Chinese lessons when it was time for my sisters and I to do our Chinese homework. She shared her homecooked meals and snacks. She treated everyone fairly. In the summer time, my mom would take us all to the neighborhood park (with a splashpool, a petting zoo, and a very decent jungle gym) for a day of playing and picnicing. I don't know how or where my mom got the energy to bring 8 kids to the park on a regular basis.

My sisters and I are really lucky to have grown up with so many fond memories of our childhood.

My dad has always were in factories. From what I can recall, he worked at a factory making airplane wings on the assembly lines. Then he worked at wallpaper factory until it closed. After that, my dad was older (almost 50), and he got a job at an automotive plant where he was been working since.

There is a lot of seniority at his company, and my dad has only been there for 10 years. Because of his lack of seniority, my dad has now been put on the night shift. It has been really hard on his body, and I am worried.

My parents are frugal, but they have been able to put away some money throughout the years. My dad and I took a look at his finances, and were crunching the numbers to see if they could retire early. We took a look at my parent's current monthly spending, and budgeted for how much we could reduce their spending by. I am now looking into getting a software with long term planning so we can have a better picture of how my parents' finances will look in the next few years.

One option that my dad and I were looking into was downgrading our house. They currently live in the same house we grew up in, and it's too big for two people. There is also maintenance that my dad finds overwhelming at times, such as lawn mowing, yard work, and snow shoveling.

We worked out my parent's current monthly budget to be $1500 and can probably we can get it down to $1200 if they move to a smaller place with less overhead costs (utilities, property taxes, housing maintenance, etc.) They should have enough with their pensions, RRSP contributions, old age securities (after they turn 65), and of course, my sisters and myself are working full time.

In a society where we are constantly told to use our hard earned money to buy things to make our lives happier / better / more glamourous. Rarely are we told to use our money to invest in ourselves and buy freedom. Freedom from having to work at a job that we don't like. Freedom to persue our hobbies. Freedom to spend time with our families and friends. Freedom from having to live month to month paying off debts.

I'm looking into purchasing Microsoft Money. I don't think Quicken Cash Manager has a long term planning function (it didn't specify).

Do you have any suggestions for a long term budgetting money managing software??? What are your thoughts on budgetting and money management???

My Taste of Europe: Oslo, Paris, Vers Veille sur Mer

My apologies for neglecting my blog. Work has been just really busy lately, and I'm trying to make the most of summer before it passes by. (Summer in Canada is only about 2 weeks!)

I met up with LeBlanc in Oslo July 25th, which started our 2 week vacation together. We spent about 3 days in Oslo, then we flew to Paris and spent 4 days there, then we took a train to the small, small town of Ver Veille sur Mer, where we had rented an apartment by the beach for 7 days, then I returned to Toronto, and him to Oslo.

Europe was beautiful. And I loved the way we sauntered through our vacation. We spent a lot of time just walking around the cities and towns we visisted. That's my favourite way to enjoy any new place I visit. We would walk, and then find a place to sit and read. Continue walking, stop for a snack. People watch. Continue walking. This is me in Oslo.

Some highlights of our trip:

LeBlanc and I walked to the famous Vigeland Park where the artist, Gustav Vigeland made almost 180 statues. The statues are all completely naked, except for the one of himself. In the statues along the walkway to the rose gardens, the statues depicted movement whereas the statues at the end of the park were more serene, and depicted more emotion. On our way back to our hotel, we stop for dinner at a really good Indian restaurant and had Duck Korma and Pilack Paneer for dinner. Delicous!!! (This was to be a foreshadow of the rest of the food on our trip!)

On our last night in Oslo, we walked to the fortress surrounding a castle at the high point of the harbour. It was beautiful. I love looking at old buildings, and imagining how life might have existed behind these walls centuries ago. After our explorations, we went out for dinner at a beautiful seafood restaurant on the harbour. The food was delicous, and have now set a new bar for seafood standard. We both order fish, and it was so fresh, and tender.

Having been blessed with the oppurtunity to have done some traveling during my undergraduate year, every time I go on a new trip, I want to enjoy it in a different way. Instead of trying to see all the high points of a new city or country, I prefer to be a tourist who is part of the culture. I try to imagine how I can enjoy the city the way a local would. So even though, I would like to see a few important sights, I want to linger and enjoy each one, instead of rushing to the next.

These are a couple of my favourite shots of Oslo.

I loved the architecture and detail with the play of lights.

A shot from city hall across the harbor.

LeBlanc and I sauntered and lingered through our 4 short days in Paris. We walked everywhere! We sat along the river and read, or had little picnics with baguettes (French bread stick) with cheese and ham. Sometimes, we would wave to the tourists looking out at us from their boats!

Our hotel was in central Paris, across from the Louvre. We would walk to the Louvre, and the park around there. They have such beautiful statues everywhere. We walked to the Arc De Triomphe, and to the Eiffel Tower. We didn't go up the Eiffel Tower, but we did go up to the Arc, and the view was amazing! Paris is not a skyscraper type of city, and since the Arc is at a high point, you can look out and see all of Paris. Paris is a radial city, and you can see all the roads leading below where we were standing.

Like many people, I thought of Paris as the most romantic city in the world. Walking along the cobble stone paths hand in hand with LeBlanc, between our picnics and people watching, I couldn't agree more. Maybe it had to do with the colonial buildings, or maybe it was the river which ran through the city. Maybe it was the elegant bridges. Or maybe it was the beautiful churchs which seemed to hold some sort of key to Paris's history. Or maybe it was the simple elegance of their fashion. Or maybe it was the couples making out on the park benches. Even the stench of urine while walking under the bridges, though revulting, reminded me that Paris was not perfect. Which made it even more romantic.

LeBlanc and I took the subway for the first time when heading to Sacre Coeur (Sacred Heart Church) which was perched on a hill to the north west of central Paris. We were planning to watch the sunset along the Paris horizon. We enjoyed an evening of admiring another view of Paris, while sipping beer and huddled together on our little blanket. Lots of people were out, and the hills were packed with couples, friends, families, all out to enjoy summer in the city. Afterwards, we make our way to the Eiffel Tower to watch the lights. The tower was even more beautiful at night, and we set down our blanket, and I fall asleep, tired, as LeBlanc enthusiastically snaps photo's for the next hour.

Our last part of the journey is spent in the little town of Vers Veille sur Mer. The town is just up the shore from Omaha Beach, which played a very important role in World War II when the Allies were to regain power in Europe from the Germans. An ambitous feat by the Allies to capture Normandy via the English Channel. Hundreds of thousands of lives were lost on the beaches of Omaha, Utah and Juno.

We visited some Memorials along the beach, and a museum in the neighboring town of Caen. LeBlanc had also started watching the mini-seris Band of Brothers, and we re-watched some episodes together. It is very difficult to imagine this peaceful little town was once surrounded with war.

LeBlanc and I spent many lazy days sleeping in. When one of us would finally wake up, we'd go down to the kitchen and make coffee and breakfast. Then, we'd head down the beach for some sun bathing or more reading. Or walk along the shoreline, until we hit the next town. Sometimes, we'd stop for a snack. One time we stopped and tried the "Fruites de Mer" (fruits of the sea), and it was more than either of us could stomache. It is a platter of raw and cooked shellfish, and although I like the prawn and crayfish, I was not a big fan of the small brown shrimps, or the snails.

After a day of exploring, we would visit our local grocery store, and buy enough ingredients for a feast. We loved to cook, and cooking we did!!! French cooking to be exact. We made French Onion Soup, Garlic Cream Soup, Salad Nicoise, Porkchops, Roasted Beef, Curry Spinach, and even baked a cake from scratch. After we were stuffed from dinner, we would take a walk before heading to bed. Sometimes we'd walk to the beach, sometimes we walked along the road.

Now, it's back to reality, and I miss our carefree days. Work has been so hectic for the past two weeks, that I really miss our vacation, and seeing LeBlanc. It's his last week abroad, as his project is wrapping up, and I'm really looking forward to when he comes back next week! I've missed him.

Poking and Prodding

This weekend, LeBlanc came back for a week of working in Toronto before heading back abroad. We spent most of this weekend together, just hanging out, cooking, watching tv, sleeping. The usual. I was really really happy to see him on Friday.

I let myself in, and was on the phone with my sister at that moment. He was cleaning his room and the bathroom. He ran out, and scooped me up in a big hug and planted kisses. I had to call my sister back :)

We made some dinner and watched "Marley and Me". I love lazy time together.

The next day, he was still a little jet lagged and tired. I later realized he didn't sleep that well the night before, and he was a little grouchy. I usually like to "bug" him with poking, prodding, and tickling.

I guess I do this when I get bored, or want him to pay attention to me:) This time, instead of being playful, he seemed a little irritated - and I didn't really know how to react.

I know I tend to take things personally, and I'm trying not to. Especially when we would do this all the time, and he liked it. When he seemed to be a bit better, he would cuddle up and be more receptive.

We talked about it today, and he said that it wasn't my fault. It just so happened that I was doing things at the wrong times, and it irritated him. I told him that I noticed the irration, but I didn't know why. So, if he could just tell me if he had a headache, or stomache-ache - then, I would kinda know to not poke in prod, because in general, we both like being poked and prodded.

LeBlanc and I have been dating for a little while now, and even though I know all relationships are kinda like a roller coaster, I feel like I'm about to take a big step. An emotional big step, of letting him into my heart.

I know that I've pretended to be tougher than I really am. I pretended that I don't care as much as I really do. I pretended that I'm cool when sometimes, I'm just doing back flips inside. And in many ways, I know it's because I am thinking that I'm protecting myself.

I know that I am a strong and independant woman. I am smart, beautiful, and generally a nice and caring person. I want to be treated like a lady, and deserve to be respected. This is the part that is strong and confident.

But there is also a part of me that's vulnerable and emotional. There is also a part of me that's been hurt before. And even though it wasn't LeBlanc who hurt me. I was hurt by someone whom I loved.

As mentioned in my previous posts, the most hurtful part wasn't the break up, it was what was said after it.

After all these years, Almond broke up with me, and he expected me to "fight for us." He thought that I would want us to be together, and basically beg him to take me back. When he talked afterwards, he said that's what he expected, and was hurt when that didn't happen. He felt it was me showing that I didn't care about what we had.

When I told Almond that it was now time that I started to think about myself first, and it wasn't in my best interest to do that (though, I did feel like it sometimes), he responded that he always saw me as an "emotional" person, and not "practical" and didn't expect my response of ignoring him, at all.

And so that was one of the things that I feared most about any new relationship. That the guy would see me as someone I'm not, and think that they can take advantage of a women's emotions. So, with LeBlanc, I tried not to show my emotional side.

I didn't show the side of me that was scared of something new, but also excited that I'm moving on and ready for a fresh start with a great guy. I didn't show that part of me that was happy when he sends text messages, or that he calls even if he's exhausted, to say "hi". And I didn't show that part of me that was crying on the drive home, after dropping him off at the airport.

I don't show him the part of me that's been hurt before, because I don't want him to see a part of me that was so angry, so hurt, but mostly, so vulnerable. I don't show when I'm nervous when I'm meeting his friends, his family, his colleagues.

But, I feel like I want to show him these part of me,now. Because I do care a lot for him. I think I love him, and I want him to love me back. I also want him to be emotionally available.

We haven't talked too much of our past. Only for a little bit when we first started dating. He knows that I dated my high school sweetheart through much of university, but no one seriously since then, including one of his classmates. His longest relationship was also in university, and was 6 months, but he said he hasn't had a serious relationship, yet.

Maybe it's time that I opened up my heart a bit more. I know there's no guarantee, but I feel like I am falling, and I want to be caught. And I want LeBlanc to catch me.

My Canada Day

Canada was yesterday - July 1st. So, yes, I got one day off and it was in the middle of the week. It was still pretty awesome. Better than awesome, I would argue.

Happy Canada Day!!!!

I slept in, and tidied up my apartment. Chatted with LeBlanc on GTalk, and then headed to my parent's house.

LeBlanc and I joke that everytime we go home, we are there to perform manual labour. Which is mostly true. Last weekend I went home, I washed and vaccumed both my car, and my dad's van. This time, I helped weed the flower beds, and mowed the lawn. Front and back.

Joking aside, I really enjoy this stuff. It makes me feel like I'm at home.

As my mom made dinner, I read my book at the front steps.

Back tracking a bit, I've had numerous talks with my girlfriends, and sisters about my dilemma. I guess, on hindsight, what I realize is 2 main things.

1) My parents don't want to see me get hurt.

2) My parents are realizing that myself (and my sisters) are grown up.

With this in mind, I wanted to take a new approach when bringing up this topic. It wasn't so much the trip. Or LeBlanc. Or the sex. It was me growing up. And I needed to be careful, to not hurt my parents. (You were right, Greears!)

I wanted them to know that they have raised me well. If I have kids one day, I only hope to be able to do as good a job of them. They have given my sisters and I so much. But at the same time, they raised us to think for ourselves. To not just accept, but question the world around us. And that's what I am doing. And although we may not see eye to eye on all subjects, I ask that we both still respect one another's decisions. And to trust me. Trust that they raised me well enough to make my own decisions.

After dinner, we had a talk. My dad, my mom, and I. And I'm so grateful and thankful, and lucky that we can communicate so freely. My parents have sure grown up a lot, and have also let us grow up a lot, as well.

My dad said that he has been struggling with thoughts, as to weather letting us to go to university with a work-study program was a good decisions. He feels like we're out in the world so much, that he's not really needed. Or we have become so independent that we don't need home, anymore.

My family is poor. We grew up with hand me down clothes from family friends. We never ate out at restaurants. If we went to McDonald's, it was with coupons. And I am proud of it. It has made me who I am today.

One of the biggest dilemma's my parents faced was how on earth they would ever afford a good education for their 3 girls. Post secondary school is very expensive, and they would never be able to afford that with their salary. Sure, we could borrow money from the government, but the idea of their kids coming out of school with so much debt was also a little scary for my parents.

When I went to a school with a work study program, I found a way to not only earn valuable work experience during my undergraduate degree, but also a way to pay for my own living expenses, as well. It seemed like a win-win situation. My parents were really happy with it, as well.

But I guess, the price of independence is high. Once you start making your own decisions, it's difficult to go back to other people making decisions for you. Almost impossible, I think.

My ideals, I believe are deeply rooted with my Chinese culture which I was brought up with by my parents. But there are also parts from growing up in a multicultural community, such as Toronto. I guess, I try to take the best of worlds, and meld them into something that works for me and makes me happy.

In the end, my parents just want to be included more in my life. They wanted to get to know LeBlanc more, so they don't feel like their daughter is going on a trip with a stranger. They want me to come home more often. To call, and just ask them how life in general is going. That's all. And I promised that I would do that, but they also need to know that I do want to spend time with friends, and weekends, are oh-so-short. But I will try harder to keep in touch.

(To be on the safe side, right when I got home, I ran upstairs and stashed my passport in my purse. hehe.)

The Generation and/ or Cultural Gap

My parents immigrated to Canada almost 30 years ago. My mom was born in Cambodia. Her family was fairly wealthy, but they fled the Khmer Rouge to Hong Kong in the 1960's. My dad was born in Vietnam. His family was poor, but they managed get my dad out of Vietnam to Hong Kong so he didn't have to serve in the Vietnam War. My sisters and I were born in Toronto, and have grown up here our entire lives.

When I think back, and realize how much opportunity my sisters and I have at a better life than my parents. And how hard they have worked to give us those opportunities, I am humbled and truly grateful.

But then there are times, when our views are different on certain subjects, and I feel that I may be hurting them by having a different opinion.

For instance, LeBlanc and I have been planning to take a vacation together. We're thinking of a relaxing stay in Europe (Normandy, France) or strolling along beaches, long walks, bicycle rides, wine, food, and lots of lounging around. Both our jobs are demanding, and we think it would be nice to just have nothing on the schedule, except "us."

I mention this to my parents, and they seemed to take it quite well. (Much to my surprise. So, I called LeBlanc and told him that I really should be giving my parents more credit.)

Then, I get a call from my mom the past Friday. She was very concerned about this trip of mine, she proceeded to dissuade me from going.

The thing is, I get very defensive when I feel someone else's goal is to change my mind. It's an automatic reaction for me, and unfortunately, my listening abilities drop by 50%. All I can hear is "You are wrong. I am right."

My mom was concerned that "something" might happen between LeBlanc and I if we are alone in room together. Since we would most likely be sharing a hotel room. Most likely with one bed.

Did I mention that I am 25 years old? I am.

Anyway, my mom tells me that she doesn't think this type of behaviour (premarital sex) is good. It's not a right path, or reason. It's lustful. If I marry someone, they may not like it. Etc., etc., Basically, it's wrong, and she doesn't think I should do it, and wants me to PROMISE not to.

She pushed a lot of buttons when she was trying to convince me.

1) She thinks I'm being casual by sleeping with someone before marriage.

2) She thinks I've had too many relationships (this is my second serious one)

3) She thinks that "little Chinese girls" are supposed to live at home until they are married, but since I work far, she "lets" me live on my own

4) She thinks my future husband will not accept or like the fact that I've been with othen men before him

It's funny. When we were little, we were told we couldn't or shouldn't do things because we should be getting good grades. In high school, it was so that we can get in a good university. In university, it was so that we could graduate and get a good job. And now that I've done that, the NEW GOAL is the good husband. (I see the trick, I've fallen for it my entire life!)

My mom is a very stubborn woman. And I do believe that children need to have strict rules when they are growing up, because they don't know the difference between right and wrong. However, I am an adult now. And I have been for some time. I've been making my own decisions, whether she realizes that or not, and it's no longer her say.

Last time when I wanted to go on vacation with Almond (I think it was 4 or 5 years ago), she basically had the same "calm" talk with me. She states her reasons, and then expects you to agree with them. I stated my reasons, too, and I told her that I still wanted to go, that I didn't agree with her on her reasons.

She. Freaked. Out. She got very, very angry. And she hit way below the belt. She pretty much dared me to go. To go against her will.

And I didn't. Almond didn't want to go anymore. Who wants to have that kind of an axe over their neck?!

And my biggest fear was that she was going to pull the same stunt this trip. I'm not expecting her to agree with me, or be encouraging of my trip. But, she should know that it's not her say, anymore.

I was very upset with the phonecall. I reminded her of what happened last time. And I asked her that if she pulled something like that, how am I supposed to respect her?

If we are both adults, we are both entitled to our own opinions and our own decisions. We may agree on some issues, and we will disagree on others, but she cannot force me to agree with her. She can't threaten me into agreeing with her. I lost a lot of faith, when she stooped to that level last time, and it hasn't been completely restored to this day.

If she really did want me to think about it. I will. But I might not change my mind. And if I don't. She has to respect that. She can't throw a fit, and threaten myself or LeBlanc.

I've been talking this over with my sisters, my friends, and LeBlanc (though LeBlanc doesn't know all the details of the past), and I guess I need to man up and have a conversation with my mom. Calmly. Even if it hurts her, that her daughter is a grown woman now. I'm not innocent and naive. And if I want to sleep with someone who is special to me, that is my decision, and my decision alone.

I know it exposes me to be hurt. And even though I hurt like hell, through the break up with Almond. I don't regret it. And in the end, I know I've become a better person. I stronger person. A smarter person. And a more forgiving person. I may not be young and naive, or "pure and innocent", but I'm a better person. And whoever my husband will be, he'll be someone is accepting of everything about me.

So, I've decided to head home on Canada Day and confront this (and grab my passport, as well). Wish me luck!!!

Do you currently face any generation or cultural gaps with your parents or elders???