Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Boy Friends

My two closest girl friends, are - well, girls. But, most of my friends are guys. Sometimes, I feel like it's just easier to have guy friends. No doubt, there was an abundance of them when I was studying engineering in university.

I know boys are strange creatures, and I still have no clue how they function. I really am probably the biggest dunce when it comes to knowing if someone is showing interest in me, or not. The guy probably has to write it out in permanent markers, capital letters, with some flashing neon lights, before I know even ask my friends, "So, you think he kinda likes me?"

Where my friends would reply in chorus, "No shit, Shirlock."

Maybe it's because I was never used to getting attention throughout elementary school or most of high school. I guess I don't like to assume things, because I'm afraid that I would be disappointed, somehow. I don't even really get my hopes up.

I even have trouble figuring out if I really like a guy or not. Or is it that I just find him a really nice guy who I am attracted to. Is this weird? Or I feel like I should like someone because they are just the sweetest guy. And I don't.

People my age are getting married. Having kids. And not that I want to be in that boat. I don't even want to dive into a relationship. I just would like to have more of a clue of my taste. What kind of guy I would like.

I find that I like hanging out with the guys. I like it when I feel they are being extra nice, or paying more attention to me. I like just joking around and teasing them. But, after that, I don't know what I want.

I know that a part of me is also afraid of ending up like my parents. I know they love each other, but sometimes I question it. When they fight. When they fight often, over silly things.

I feel like, in building our family, they lost themselves. They come home from work, and cook, and take care of us (when we were little), and now that they don't have that, it's like they don't know what to do. It's like they stayed together for my sisters and I, mainly.

They put up with each other in-laws, they kept things inside when they should have talked about it, for the duration of their 30-year marriage. Now I wonder if they can ever even talk about it. Does there come a point when you keep so many things pent up that it's too much to go through? I don't ever want to be in that situation. It scares the hell out of me. I would rather be alone, then lonely in a relationship.


Andy said...

Well put. And I have to agree, when parents "lose" their children they are oftenly "out of place". They don't know what to do.

This is the case of my grandparents. They've been married for 50 years and for about 15 years now, they've slept in separate beds.

My grandpa was an alcoholic, my grandma had to put up with that. Thank God, he overcame it, but it's something my grandma still remembers. She may have forgiven, but definitely not forgotten.

My grandpa has a strong character that he doesn't show to us granddaughters. It is mainly with my grandma that he takes it.

(And this turned into a massive comment)

My point is, in spite of ALL this (Yeah, I still don't get why they're together), when he hugs her and she smiles, I understand.

Not all the relationships are perfect, but there's a reason they exist.

So, take risks. You never know what's coming with them.

Des said...

Andy - Taking risks. It's something that I don't want to be afraid of, but at the same time, I'm learning to trust, again. Loving someone means loving them for their flaws, too. I'm just not sure where my line is, where there is too much compromise, and I lose too much of me. I guess I can never know until it happens.