Monday, November 3, 2008

The Fighting

Amidst the partying (more than I've done in a really long time), this weekend. The thing that stood out for me was when my parents came to visit me yesterday. It wasn't a good visit.

My mom had to get her cavities fixed downtown, and they came up to see me after that. We have been discussing the possibility of my getting a car, recently. However, with the economy up in the air, financing a car is a huge burden. So my parents decided that I can take my dad's car (Toyota Corolla 2003) and my dad would take my mom's minivan, and then my mom would car pool with a co-worker to work.

Simple, right?


My dad has no patience.

My mom needs to convince everyone that she's right.

They are both as stubborn as hell.

It was so simple. And yet, so difficult.

My dad just cut my mom off as she was explaining something. Then, my mom kept explaining, and asked why my dad was being so rude. Then kept explaining. Pretty much my dad flew into a rage. They were both yelling at each other. Telling each other to stop talking. Yelling at each other.

I told both my parents to stop talking. To not say anything. I brought my mom to my room, and sat my dad on the couch. Pleading with them to stop yelling. They were both so angry. Angry at something that was so stupid and insignificant.

Sometimes these fights happen when I go home. I don't know what to say in these situations. I feel like a little kid, watching their parents fight. Helpless in the situation. I still feel helpless in the situation. I feel scared.

I feel like my parents keep so much inside. That some day, it might explode. They can't talk about their problems because it seems to always get out of hand when they try to. And it's not the problem they are talking about, its about all the stupid little things that are at the outskirts of the problem. Someone is always trying to prove the other one wrong.

It scares me because I don't want to end up like this. I don't want to see my parents like this. I understand that couples fight, but ... this is too much. I don't know what to do. If there is something I can do. I don't know.


Andy said...

I'm sorry you had to endure that... And well, I've never witnessed a mojor fight between my parents, but in general, I don't like people fighting. It stresses me out, even if I have nothing to do with it.

Valley Girl said...

Oy. Family drama. I hope it gets better, dear.

Miss Burb said...

I know how that feels. I've seen my dad get into some pretty bad arguments with his wives. I don't like it, either, but it seems I've picked up on that, growing up.

I don't think there's much you can do about them but with you, just make sure you talk things out before it gets to the boiling part. I know some things can be let go but if you can't let it go, talk it out. It's never good to keep it locked up

Greears said...

I hope you were able to walk your way to a nice massage or chocolate cake after that!

My parents used to fight, but it was worse. My mom would get mad at my dad, say nothing, turn into a puddle and sulk. Imagine a weekend of that. Or, if she would start screaming my dad would walk away. Imagine your dad going missing. They finally divorced and it was just as awful at 25 as it would have been at 12. At least there is harmony now...

I am like my parents, of course, but Vince and I did not become those people. Oh, we fight, and he will tell you that I often mope and he often marches off, but...we have fire between us, even after all this time. It's just that sometimes the wood is green and the sap pops, that's all.

Just last week we had a 'Executive Committee meeting' (I call meetings from time to time. It is far more effective than shooting off at him randomly) and we discussed a grievance or two. Yea, I shed a tear but he also heard what I was saying and we have renewed our goals.

You can try to set boundries with your parents, but, I don't think they will take kindly to statements like, "I don't allow people to treat each other this way in my house." or "It is not my job as daughter to mediate conflict between my parents."

I believe you will take these lessons from your parents and you will do something different with your hardwiring.

Des said...

Andy - I feel especially helpless. I feel like I should be able to do something to stop it. But I can't.

Valley Girl - Thanks. I hope so, too.

Miss Burb - I'm usually the type to let things out. But I feel like my parents have pent things up for too long.

Greears - I thought that I should be able to handle this better as an adult. But, you're right, it's no easier now, than it would have been if I was younger. I know the lesson isn't "Don't get married" but I can't help be feel scared. I don't ever want to end up feeling the way my parents do.