Poking and Prodding

This weekend, LeBlanc came back for a week of working in Toronto before heading back abroad. We spent most of this weekend together, just hanging out, cooking, watching tv, sleeping. The usual. I was really really happy to see him on Friday.

I let myself in, and was on the phone with my sister at that moment. He was cleaning his room and the bathroom. He ran out, and scooped me up in a big hug and planted kisses. I had to call my sister back :)

We made some dinner and watched "Marley and Me". I love lazy time together.

The next day, he was still a little jet lagged and tired. I later realized he didn't sleep that well the night before, and he was a little grouchy. I usually like to "bug" him with poking, prodding, and tickling.

I guess I do this when I get bored, or want him to pay attention to me:) This time, instead of being playful, he seemed a little irritated - and I didn't really know how to react.

I know I tend to take things personally, and I'm trying not to. Especially when we would do this all the time, and he liked it. When he seemed to be a bit better, he would cuddle up and be more receptive.

We talked about it today, and he said that it wasn't my fault. It just so happened that I was doing things at the wrong times, and it irritated him. I told him that I noticed the irration, but I didn't know why. So, if he could just tell me if he had a headache, or stomache-ache - then, I would kinda know to not poke in prod, because in general, we both like being poked and prodded.

LeBlanc and I have been dating for a little while now, and even though I know all relationships are kinda like a roller coaster, I feel like I'm about to take a big step. An emotional big step, of letting him into my heart.

I know that I've pretended to be tougher than I really am. I pretended that I don't care as much as I really do. I pretended that I'm cool when sometimes, I'm just doing back flips inside. And in many ways, I know it's because I am thinking that I'm protecting myself.

I know that I am a strong and independant woman. I am smart, beautiful, and generally a nice and caring person. I want to be treated like a lady, and deserve to be respected. This is the part that is strong and confident.

But there is also a part of me that's vulnerable and emotional. There is also a part of me that's been hurt before. And even though it wasn't LeBlanc who hurt me. I was hurt by someone whom I loved.

As mentioned in my previous posts, the most hurtful part wasn't the break up, it was what was said after it.

After all these years, Almond broke up with me, and he expected me to "fight for us." He thought that I would want us to be together, and basically beg him to take me back. When he talked afterwards, he said that's what he expected, and was hurt when that didn't happen. He felt it was me showing that I didn't care about what we had.

When I told Almond that it was now time that I started to think about myself first, and it wasn't in my best interest to do that (though, I did feel like it sometimes), he responded that he always saw me as an "emotional" person, and not "practical" and didn't expect my response of ignoring him, at all.

And so that was one of the things that I feared most about any new relationship. That the guy would see me as someone I'm not, and think that they can take advantage of a women's emotions. So, with LeBlanc, I tried not to show my emotional side.

I didn't show the side of me that was scared of something new, but also excited that I'm moving on and ready for a fresh start with a great guy. I didn't show that part of me that was happy when he sends text messages, or that he calls even if he's exhausted, to say "hi". And I didn't show that part of me that was crying on the drive home, after dropping him off at the airport.

I don't show him the part of me that's been hurt before, because I don't want him to see a part of me that was so angry, so hurt, but mostly, so vulnerable. I don't show when I'm nervous when I'm meeting his friends, his family, his colleagues.

But, I feel like I want to show him these part of me,now. Because I do care a lot for him. I think I love him, and I want him to love me back. I also want him to be emotionally available.

We haven't talked too much of our past. Only for a little bit when we first started dating. He knows that I dated my high school sweetheart through much of university, but no one seriously since then, including one of his classmates. His longest relationship was also in university, and was 6 months, but he said he hasn't had a serious relationship, yet.

Maybe it's time that I opened up my heart a bit more. I know there's no guarantee, but I feel like I am falling, and I want to be caught. And I want LeBlanc to catch me.