Girl Talk

I love them.

Last weekend, my girl friend, B. and I got together for dinner. We both kinda had "break ups" recently and we had some much needed girl talk.

B. and I met when we were both in Singapore and have been pretty much traveling with each other ever since. It's funny, sometimes, you'd think that when you are half way around the world, your mind would be there, too. And the truth is, that my mind isn't.

I can be half way around the world, I could be on the moon, and the same things would most likely be on my mind. I can't escape it. Sometimes, I wish that I can.

B. probably saw me at my most bitter stage of getting over Almond. It was January of 2007 and we had broken up not too long ago. Then, it seemed like we broke up again, in June 2007 -- even though it was just a horrible meeting up.

And now it's almost the end of 2008.

I've had a few tries at the dating pool. Mostly with really nice, sweet guys. Though none that I can really picture myself dating long term. There's always something that just doesn't feel quite right. And I would rather be lonely and single, than lonely and in a relationship.

After my break up with Haagan Daz, B. was worried about me. She's a sweet girl, and she told me that she was afraid that I might become one of those people who have too many experiences and none of them feel special anymore. And she was afraid that was what happened with Haagan Daz.

She also said that I still seemed angry at Almond and encouraged me to forgive him. The truth is, I really tried. I'm not a hateful person, or one to hold grudges. However, when it comes to him, I still feel angry when I think of what happened. I feel hurt, all over again. And I wish it would just go away. I wish that I could just let it go. But I don't know what's stopping me.

I didn't want to get all teary eyed during our talk but, the truth is that Almond broke my heart. As simple and cliche as it sounds, its the truth. He broke it. And I'm not sure if it's back together, yet. And I'm not sure if it ever will be. That's the part the scares me. How could someone have such a big impact on me? I feel like I should've moved on by now, and I don't think I have.

In another emotional girl chat with my sister, I told her of my fear of even starting to feel that way about someone.

me: I'm afraid that I won't let myself fall in love, even if I'm staring that person in the face, cuz I'll be afraid to get hurt.

sis: You were hurting from you first love, but you got through it. We were there to support you last time. Me, baby sis, your friends, B. and J. And if you have to go through it again, we'll be right there. With ice cream and reruns of SATC. So, you see, you don't have to be afraid of taking a chance when the right guy comes along. Nothing to be afraid of.

And I realize that she's right.

When the right guy comes along, I want to be able to love whole heartedly, because that's just how I'm built. But if it doesn't work out, I know I'll be OK.

Everyone needs a girl chat. I'm glad I have such great girls to have them with.

Secret Garden

Fighting It

I read this article the other week about how we fight things. Instead of embracing whatever happens, we are used to fighting things. The article instructed us to say, "I wanted it to happen," to everything that happened to us for one day. If it was raining, and we were caught in it, "we wanted it to happen." Your boyfriend of 5 years just broke up with you, "you wanted it to happen." You got fired today, "You wanted it to happen." You get it.

Silly? Well, the point of this exercise was to see how many things we didn't want to happen. How many things we "fight" a day, instead of just embracing it. It was indeed, very interesting, though simple it may be.

So, I've been a emotional lately. You could probably tell from this post. And this post.

One of the things that I've been thinking about was how much I've been fighting with myself on my feelings and thoughts towards Almond. I guess, after our break up, I just really wanted to move on. I wanted to skip the sad parts. Somehow I felt as though, if I spent time being sad, I was weaker. And so, I threw myself into activities, and clubs and going out.

And to be honest, I don't regret that at all. I've become a better person because of it, and I am thankful that I hadn't huddled in my room eating ice cream for a few months. But, in that process, I also didn't let myself be sad and mourn the relationship that was over. Don't get me wrong, I was sad, but maybe, I didn't let myself feel the full extent of my sadness because I was afraid of what that would be admitting to myself. If that makes any sense.

The other day. I was talking to my sister about my break up with Almond, and my break up with Haagan Daz. In my break up with Almond, I always thought that I would be better off if he had just explained things to me. I deserved it. So when things weren't working out between myself and H.G., I explained to him why. I thought I was doing him a favour.

At the end of our conversation, he asked me one question that I couldn't answer.

H.G.: Why don't you sound sad?

me: Ummm. I don't know.

I think I know the answer now. It's cuz I just wasn't that sad. We hadn't been dating that long. I didn't feel like I had really lost anything. I just didn't want to hurt him. And I thought by explaining myself, I would hurt him less.

Wrong.

There is no good way of breaking up. Explanation or none.

And so I go back to Almond. Even though I know he didn't give me any explanation, I knew that it hurt him. In fact, I knew that it probably hurt him more than anything else. And in a way, that makes it better.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about our good times, and our bad times. I've come to the conclusion that our relationship died. It's not him. It's not me. The "us" part died. For many reasons, and no one is to blame. I'm sad, because I realize that there aren't that many people who will have as big of an impact on my life, as Almond did. There aren't that many people who will ever know me that deeply. There aren't that many people that I can connect with on that level. In the end, I lost a friendship, a kindred spirit. That is the saddest part of all. I think that was the hardest part to realize.

And its only after all the anger has passed, all the confusion has passed, all the hurt that has passed that I realize this. But I'm glad that I have. Because by realizing it, I think I can really move on. I can be happy -- truly happy -- for the future that beholds both of us.

I looked him up on FB. Of course, he has his profile on public. But when I saw him with his new GF, I didn't scrutinize her. I was actually happy that he looked so happy with her. (Ok... maybe I did question if she was more attractive. Just a little. I'm only human. ) Honestly, I'm glad the guy was happy. I missed that smile.

Are You For Real?!

Seriously?! SERIOUSLY??!!

Wow. I. Am. Speechless.

When I first saw this, I thought it was a joke.

I guess money can really buy you anything.

Note: I know. I know. I'm a little behind. I don't really watch TV. I just found this out last week. But, seriously.

What does it feel like?

Sometimes, I forget what it feels like to be in love. To love someone. In that romantic , your-heart-skips-a-beat kind of way.

I was having a talk with my little sister this weekend. I was telling her that I had to end it with the guy I was currently seeing. I didn't really like him that much.

In a way, I thought this was sad. I went from loving one man for almost 5 years of my life, to barely able to like someone for more than a couple months. I know it's not as simple as that, but sometimes I ask myself, "What happened? What does it feel like to be in love, again?"

My sister is 19, and she's never had a serious relationship, yet. She is a smart, independent and very attractive girl. She gets a lot of attention from the guys, and yet, she hasn't been able to find one who she wants to have a relationship with. There's the liking stage, but then as she gets to know the guy, she realizes that there are traits that just annoy her, or that she finds unattractive. She asked me if there was something wrong with that.

I said, no. I felt the same way. And sometimes, I'm scared that I won't be able to feel that way, again. To love someone, and to feel loved.

She asked what it felt like when I was in a relationship with Almond. She knew that we loved each other, and wondered if there was a way I could describe it to her.

It was a little difficult for me to relive those memories. Those memories which made me so happy.

I remember that I was always happy around him. I couldn't wait unti I saw him next. It didn't matter if we were just hanging out or going on a trip. I just loved being with him.

I loved talking to him. Hearing him tell me about his day. I loved watching movies and falling asleep in his arms.

I loved the way he stroked my hair when I was sleeping (well, almost sleeping). I loved the way he kissed my forehead in the mornings. I loved the way he looked at me and told me I was the most beautiful woman told me I was perfect.

I loved reading his cards. I still have every one. And the letter he wrote me when he first went away to college.

I fit in with his friends, and was pretty close to his best friend, from high school, y-lo. Even though, y-lo always teased me. One thing he said to me, kind of stuck with me.

Almond and I were on our way to a ski weekend. Y-lo lent us his car (yay!). This was the first vacation / getaway that Almond and I had in all our years of dating. We were both excited, even though he had a big report due the day he came back.

y-lo: Hey, Des. Make sure that when you guys are driving, Almond is paying attention to the roads. It's dark and it might be icy in parts.

me: Yea, don't worry.

y-lo: I'm serious.

me: Ok, Mr. Worry-wart. Don't worry.

y-lo: I'm serious. Because whenever Almond is around you., he just stops paying attention to everything else.

me: Oh. Ummm. We'll be careful. [pause] Thanks y-lo.

I remember that when I used to work at an amusement park, sometimes Almond would come pick me up. He'd drive for almost 40 minutes, pick me up, then drop me at home.

I remember when Almond used to walk me home after school. We used to stand at the corner and talk. About anything, and everything. Then one day, he suggested that he walk me home, instead of standing and talking.

And so, that's what he did. Even though I lived about 15 minutes in the opposite direction. He walked me home - for the rest of the school year, until he graduated and went to university.

Even in university, we were happy. We lived to together for a short while. It never even occured to us, or to our friends, that we would ever break up. We were just always so happy. Holding hands, smiling, joking, teasing -- we were around one another.

Then I remember the bad times. When we would fight. When he would keep things inside. And never let me in.

Sometimes, I just had no idea what was going on in that mind of his.

Almond and I hardly ever had big fights. He doesn't like to raise his voice. He would rather keep it inside. I would try to get things out. And when I thought I had succeeded and getting out what it was that was bothering him, and I thought we had worked through it. Only to realize that he still kept things inside, and they were still bothering him.

I felt like he had a box. And it was where we would put my mistakes, or the times that I hurt him. Of course, I never meant to hurt him, but I am only human. And I make mistakes. But I felt like he doesn't let these things go -- that my mistakes go into this "box." I could tell when the "box" was getting full. And I didn't know what to do.

That was near the end of our relationship. I wanted him to tell me what was bothering him. I didn't realize that he had kept so many things inside. Until one day, we were talking his car. He wanted to go to California for his career. I wanted to be encouraging. I really did. But not once, did he mention anything about us. When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I asked him.

me: Almond, I do want to support you in your decision to go to Silicon Valley if that is your dream, but what about us? You didn't even mention "us" , or ask me what I thought.

Almond: Well, you can come with me.

me: But all my friends and family are here. Don't you want to ask if I want to come with you?

Almond: I put my dreams aside for you, once. I don't want to do it, again.

me: What?? What are you talking about?

Almond: Two years ago. When y-lo went to Japan. I wanted to go. And I asked you, if you wanted me to go. And you said, "no." So, I didn't go. Going to Japan has been a dream of mine, and I didn't go because you didn't want me to. I don't want to put aside another dream for you.

For 2 years, he kept that inside. I had apologized, but he had asked me how I felt. And I was honest. But, now, 2 years later, it resurfaces. And I had no idea he felt like this the entire time -- somewhere in the back of his mind.

I remember a couple months after we broke up, we had met up again. Almond had wanted to get back together and I thought it best we didn't, since I was going to Singapore -- and it would've been for the wrong reasons. My heart wanted to get back together, but my head told me otherwise.

When I told my friend, J. She said this,

J: Des, even though you tell me all these great things about him. Even though I know you really loved each other. When I think of you and him, I can't help but think back to that day after you guys broke up. You came to school. Then you went to cry in the washroom. All I can picture now, when you talk about him, is you crying in the washroom.

You can't unknow what you know. You can't unfeel how you felt.

I think of all the good times with Almond, and I ask myself, "Would there have been a way for us to work it out." Then, I think of all the hurt, and I wonder why in the world I should forgive him. But I want to. I want to forgive him.

I have yet to find someone who could make me laugh the way he did. Someone who I could have conversations with about anything, and everything. Someone who could make me feel the way he did. Someone who I admired as much as I did him. Someone who I could be excited to share a life together, like I felt with him.

And it scares me. This confusion that I still feel. Would I ever love, again? I want to. But, I'm not going to lie to myself. I haven't felt "love" in a while. Will I ever feel it, again? I want to. I really do. But a part of me, that has known hurt, knows that next time, it won't be the same.

I Think Too Much

Honestly, I do. I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. That’s why I need this blog. I need to get it out.

Sorry I haven’t replied to your comments. I love reading what you guys have to say! I haven’t had internet at home since I moved (again) in September, and these blogs were posted when I was at work. I didn’t want to check my URL at work. Just in case.

My random thoughts:

1) Marriage.

My friend from high school is getting married. She is my age – 24. They are bought a house together. It feels surreal.

I know. She’s getting married. Not me.

How can I voice it that I think she is doing it for the wrong reasons. I feel like I’m more stressed out about it than her. If that is possible.

I’m afraid that she is getting married for the wrong reasons, and will end up unhappy.

Why do I keep saying it’s for the wrong reason? I know, it’s not my place to judge, and everyone is different. This is why.

Her parents want her to get married. To someone who is of her religion – she is Sikh.

She was in a couple of serious relationships. Then, she decided that she would give up on them, and just let her parents choose someone for her, because this dating thing wasn’t working out.

The first guy, I didn’t like. He was very possessive, and for some reason, she felt like she had to lie to him about her education. Long story. Basically, they were engaged, and then they called it off.

The second guy, she didn’t even tell me about until a year or so into their dating. Then last Christmas, when we met for lunch, she told me of her dilemma. The guy’s family wanted him to have an arranged marriage, and did not want to accept her.

The way I saw it, was that the guy did not have the guts to stand up for the woman he cared about. He didn’t want to break it off with my friend, but also did not want to “hurt” his family. Aside: I’m not sure how a marriage could hurt your family. I would think that your family would be happy for you if you were happy, no?

My friend gave him an ultimatum after about 3 years into it, and said that if he did not stand up to his family about her, she would have to break it off, and just get an arranged marriage. And that is what she did.

This April, my friend calls me on my birthday and tells me of the news. I know I should be happy for her, but I just feel scared.

She seems fine with it. She said she likes him enough. Though, I’m not sure what “enough” is. She said this way, she gets to know him for a few years, and then have kids when she’s about 27. Seriously. What am I supposed to say in response?

I guess why I think about it so much, is because I always reflect other peoples’ lives onto my own. Will this be what I am going to resort to? God, I hope not. I still think that marriage should be romantic. With someone that you just can’t get enough of. Whom you love more than anyone else. Whom you’re just happy being around.

Or am I just naïve in thinking that that exists?

2) Almond.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Not in a bad way. Just thinking of how things were. How things changed so much. Wondering how his life is now. Thinking that he set the bar a little too high for me in the relationships department. Wondering if I will ever meet someone who could make me feel as happy and as special as he made me feel.

I’ve been thinking of writing him a letter. No so much as in sending it to him, but what I would write if I were to write him a letter. That’s for another post. You’ll see what I mean.
In the meantime, I should get back to work.

Wish me luck at the wedding. I hope there is good food. And my sari is loose enough that I can eat all the good food.

Oh! And I hope I meet some hot, brown dude there.

Food, and hot guys. I’m not asking for much, right?

Excitement is OVER.

You know when you first meet someone, or when you meet the right someone. You're in what I like to call " La La Land." Sometimes its for a short amount of time, and others, it's for a longer amount of time.

When I was with Almond, it was for a long time. My friends thought that I didn't even notice other hot guys. Which I did. But it just didn't matter. When I liked "Gelato" (more on him later), I was in La La Land, too. But with Haagan Daz, I'm afraid it has died. And it's been less than 3 months.

Now, I know that it's not supposed to feel the way it felt when I was with Almond. A naive, high school giddy girl. Now it's different. I know what it's like to be hurt and I am more protective of my heart. But I believe I am still supposed to be in La La Land.

I guess I just got over the initial excitment with Haagan Daz and when I got to know more of him, he just didn't seem that attractive a person.

A couple things triggered this. Partly because I was on PMS. Partly because I'm seeing his true colours that I might have not noticed when I was too busy being excited.

Last weekend, I stayed with my parents on Sunday night because it would've been too late to take public transportation to my apartment. So I had to make the 2hr commute (gross!) to work on Monday instead of my usual (15 - 30 minutes). Since I told Haagan Daz, I would give him a call, I did.

me: So, I figured that I'll just stay over at my parents' place. It's late.

H.G.: Oh, really? Well, I could've come and picked you up at the subway and drove you home. I don't have to get up early.

me: Oh, really? [thinks about it] No, that would be pretty far for you to drive. I'm just going to stay here, but thanks for offering.

H.G.: Oh. Well. I wasn't really going to drive you. I just figured I'd offer. It is pretty far.

me: Oh. Okay.

my internal monologue: So, why exactly is he telling me this? Awkward.

Same thing happened on Friday when I was working downtown and we were getting together afterwards.

Why does he tell me that he didn't really mean the offer? Like he has to make that clear to me, or something.

We talked on the phone a couple times during the week. I got bored. Caught myself reading, "Bitter is the New Black" by Jen Lancaster. Then put it down. Then nearly fell asleep hearing him talk.

Then, I noticed things that just bugged me.

Like how he answers the phone with , "Yeeeeeeeellllowww."

I asked him about that later. He told me he gets it from Homer Simpson. Nice.

Then on Friday, I just noticed that we don't have that much in common. We don't have the same sense of humour. Stuff that he finds funny, I just find awkward.

For instance, we're cooking tacos. He's browning the ground beef. Then he starts "mooo-ing". Like a cow.

After the first mooo,

me: So, you're moo-ing like a cow.

H.G.: Moooooo. [again]

After the first moo, he moo's again. For added effect, I suppose. Does anyone find that funny? I just thought it was him trying to be funny, but it was just awkward. Or was it just PMS?

Now, the last bit.

Haagan Daz has an anxiety disorder, where he gets really really nervous when meeting new people. He feels sick, literally. He told me about it, and I did appreciate his honesty. But then he talks about it. A lot.

We were supposed to go up for a Dragonboat festival on Saturday, and he was going to meet my friends. I wanted to see my friends' inputs and see how he interacted with other people. Needless to say, he was really nervous. Then, he told me this. Which, I just thought was disgusting. Disgusting. Not funny. At all.

H.G.: I get really nervous, and I don't want to throw up all over your friends. Like, this. [pretend handshake with the air] Hi, I'm Haagan Daz and its nice to meet you BLUUUURRRRRPPP [makes a throw up noise and accompany gestures]

I cringe.

He continues.

H.G.: And hi, so-and-so. I'm BLLLLLLUUUURRRRRPPPPPPP. [throw up noise and gestures]

Honestly. Excitement is over. So. Over.

Manis and Pedis

I have never had a manicure or pedicure before. Until last weekend. It was against my free will.

I know that it's supposed to be relaxing and fun.

Call my crazy, but I was feeling everything but relaxed. What could be relaxing when I see them use instruments to pick at my nooks and crannies that have been probably full of dirt with the same instruments they use on every other person who walks in?! For all I know, they could be putting those other people's crap back under my toe nails. Gross.

Or do I just watch too much CSI?

Never again. I can paint my own nails and draw my own flowers, thank you very much.

OK, maybe I can't draw my own flowers. I can live without flowers on my toes.

So, why did I get my nails professionally painted, you ask. And how was I forced into it?

Simple. My best friend from high school was getting married next Saturday and the official engagement ceremony was that night. My toes needed to look good.

I never thought that anyone would pay much attention to my toes. Until I was at the ceremony. Every lady had her toe nails pedicured. I was so glad my toes fit in.

I felt like I was in high school. When all the girls had the brand name shirts, and shoes. And I was in my baggy clothes because I didn't want to pay $45 for a dress shirt, when a $5 would do. I had to save for tuition, man.

Except, this time I felt like I sort of fit in. Only, it felt silly, that anyone would judge me by my toes. Doesn't it? But I'm pretty sure that they would have. Silly, I know. My insecurities. I'm working on it.

Oh. Speaking of her wedding. I get my life back after September 20th.

No more of conversations like this:

Des, make sure you're at my house next weekend.

Des, make sure you come to the official engagement ceremony.

Des, can you help out at the bridal shower.

Des, make sure you leave your Friday nights free. Just in case we decide to do something then. Yes, please cancel the plans you already made.

(OK, she didn't say the last sentence, but I think that was understood.)

Des, book next Thursday and Friday off from work. We need to do our Henna.

Des, it doesn't matter that you live about 2 hours away of commute via public transit. Or that you have to work the next day. Be here!

Like I said. I get my life back after September 20th.

After that, I am going to spend my whole weekend just the way I want to. Sleep. Sleep. Cook. Sleep. Sleep. Shop. Sleep. Sleep. Decorate. Sleep. Sleep. BLOG. (After I get my internet set up at my new place, that is. Wish me luck.)

Less than 2 weeks to go. Grin and bear it. Grin and bear it.

Friday at the Office

J.D.: You know there are Star War fans in the office when ...

Me: ... when your boss is pretending to be a Wookie.

2 Things that Happened at Work, Today

1) My boss and I broke into a church.

Me: I've never broken into a church, before.

My boss: Well, technically, we didn't break in. The back door was left open.

We were supposed to meet a priest at a job site. He wasn't there. Which leads us to occurence numero deux.

2) A priest lied to us.

My boss: Father, we were at the church at about a quarter after three today. We didn't see you.

Priest: I was there.

[My boss's inner monologue: Liar!!!]

...And this is what keeps my job interesting.

We went to the Zoo

Haagan Daz and I. Last last weekend. It was fun. We looked at the animals. I wanted to see the Coral Reefs exhibit, and he wanted to see the Spider Monkeys. (They were actually very cool. The only animals who weren't sleeping or just lazing around.)

In a conversation with my friend, J.

me: We went to the zoo last weekend.

j.: Oooo! The zoo. That's where couples who just first start dating go. How exciting!

Dating. Such a vague term.

So I've been "dating" for almost 2 years-ish. I think I need a post on le boys of 2007 and 2008.
So far, I've learned a lot. But I also have more questions.

Like now. So. I like Haagan Daz. He likes me. We've established that. After that, I don't know.

So, we've been dating for about a month now, maybe more. Dating -- as in going out. To the movies. To the beach. To the zoo. On walks. That kind of stuff.

He's cooked me dinner. Pasta, mind you. But it's the thought that counts, right?

We made out on my roommate's couch, last week. Actually, I don't even know if I understand what is included in the term "make out." Let's look it up on Wikipedia.

In human sexuality, making out is a sexual euphemism of American origin dating back to at least 1949. It covers a wide range of sexual behaviors, and means different things to different age groups in different parts of the U.S. It typically involves kissing, including prolonged, passionate kissing (also known as French kissing), intimate contact, including heavy petting-that is, skin-to-skin contact, or other forms of foreplay. Making out is usually considered an expression of affection or sexual attraction to a current or prospective sexual partner. An episode of making out is frequently referred to as a make-out session.

Hmmm. That's vague, too. But that pretty much encompasses what we did. Minus the heavy petting.

The first time we met was at beach volleyball court where his friends and my roommate frequents. So they've seen me before. All sweaty and sandy. So they know about me -- his two close buddies.

He's told his mom about me. He's told his brother and sister-in-law about me. I told him I told my friends and sisters about him. But not my parents. Asian parents can be messy.

We talked about taking the next step. About being a couple. And here come my diarrhea of confusion and random thoughts.

I am not as young or as foolish as I was when I fell for Almond. Where I pictured us living happily ever after, before I decided to take the next step and be his girlfriend. Now, I am just thinking of taking it one step at a time. If I like him, I'll continue seeing him. See below a conversation I had with my girlfriend, J. this weekend about my confusion.

me: So, I like him. What I know of him so far, anyway. I know it's not supposed to feel the same as I did with Almond. And it doesn't. I just feel like I like him. And that's it. I'm not thinking too far into the future. I just like how things are going now. Is there anything wrong with that?

j: Yea. You're not young and foolish, anymore. That's OK. That's good. That's dating.

me: How do I know if I want to me be his girlfriend? I mean, I thought that after a week or so, the idea might make more sense, or sink in. Is that what I want? How do I know what I want?

j: How does it feel?

me: It feels nice. But I also feel like I'm not letting myself go. Too much, anyway. Just a little bit at a time. I feel like I keep catching myself, and preventing myself from falling. Like it's an instinct. Whereas with Almond, I let myself fall.

j: Well, you know what it's like to get hurt, right? You protect yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

me: I feel like I've been single for so long. And finally, I find someone I'm actually looking forward to seeing, and getting to know. It's a weird feeling. I don't think I'm afraid of commitment.

j: Are you, though?

me: I don't know. I wasn't before.

j: But now is now. Are you afraid of it now?

me: I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe I'm afraid to get hurt.

I think that is the bottom line. I'm afraid to get hurt. He's a little different than the guys I've dated. When I say "dated" I mean, went out with a casually. When I say "went out casually" I mean out for dinner, movies, hanging out, etc.

I haven't had anything serious since Almond. I haven't felt any attraction to the guy's I've been out with. I haven't even wanted the guy to kiss me. With the exception of Gelato -- whom we'll discuss later (but he's old news, anyway.) Am I feeling confused because I feel an attraction to Haagan Daz? Or is because he's different in a lot of ways than the guys I'm used to dating.

For one thing, he does not worship Star Wars. Or computer games. Thank god. He's also not an engineer. Believe it or not, kids, I've been only dating engineers. And one nurse -- whom I believed was gay. More on him later.

Things that have been on my mind (not exactly problems per se, just stuff):

Haagan Daz went to college instead of university -- he's a machinist. He's really tall - basically 6' -- I am 5'3". We may or may not hang out in different social crowds -- not sure, yet, since I haven't met his friends and vice versa. He works nights, sometimes. When he gets nervous, he can't stomach food.

He also has a list of foods he doesn't like (side note: I'm a big foodie, and had hoped to find a guy who would love to try different cuisines with me. Almond was a picky eater, too.)

Things that I like about Haagan Daz:

He's been very open and honest with me. Whether it be about his past, or current issues he is dealing with. We talk and talk about anything.

I feel very comfortable around him, and I look forward hanging out with him. Whether it be going out, or just staying in.

He's cute. And tall. And funny. He treats me like a lady, is quasi romantic.


That's it for now. Back to work!

A Moment with You

A love story. As honest as it can be.

Brought to you by the guys of WongFu Productions. If you haven't seen this YouTube clip on "Yellow Fever" by WongFu Productions, then you've been living under a rock. Honestly.

So I've become quite a fan of these guys over the past term or so. Especially during my procrastination for exams. Their clips are so funny, and these guys are just so creative. Did I mention that Phil Wang and Wes Chan are also pretty cute? You be the judge.

So when they came out with their first full length film, A Moment with You, I was just dying to watch it. My friend, J., was so sweet, she bought the DVD for my birthday! I finally watched the movie a couple weeks ago with my sister. I loved it.

So basically it's a love story that's realistic. I think that the movie definitely lived up to it. The scenery was beautiful. The actors were pretty good (of course, we're not talking about any Oscar award winning performances.) But most of all, I loved the way they portrayed relationships. Something that even many big budget Hollywood films fail to capture.

Relationships. Sometimes they are so simple, and sometimes they can be so complicated. I think it's safe to say that most of us in our twenty-somethings have brushed past "love" or some relationship with the opposite sex. Whether it be in the form of a long term or short relationship, a crush, a friendship we might of thought would be something more, or anything in between. We've all probably had some sort of baggage, and we've probably all been hurt before.

I think this film captures those doubts, hopes, joys and sadness so beautifully.

I'm going to briefly comment on the two main characters.

Meet Arthur. Your typical nerd. He's 24 and he's never had a serious relationship before. He meets Alice, who is pretty, smart, spontaneous and fun. They start hanging out and he starts to develop feelings for her. But he also knows that she still thinks about her ex-boy-friend. He's not sure if she likes him as more than a friend and he's afraid to believe that a relationship with Alice could really be a possibility and take the chance.

Meet Dustin. Your typical outgoing guy. Unlike Arthur, he doesn't have any trouble meeting the ladies; however, the only girl he can think of is his ex-girlfriend, Lauren. All he can think about is the mistake he think he's made by breaking up with her, and what might have been. What if she sees that he's changed? Would they have a chance to be together? Randomly, at a party, Dustin bumps into a close friend in college, Natalie. They start hanging out, and she develops feelings for him. Yet, Dustin is so caught up in thinking about his ex-girlfriend that he doesn't even see his opportunity to give him and Natalie a chance.

We get glimpses into some of the characters' past, into some of the crucial moments which shape who they become. We watch how they struggle to come to terms with their past. With themselves. With each other. With the present.

Although I love the entire movie, two scenes really stood out for me. The honesty and raw feelings of the characters portrayed was just beautiful.

SPOILER WARNING HERE.

My first favourite scene. Dustin meets up with his ex-girlfriend when she comes to visit. He desperately wants to tell her that he's changed and he can be a better boyfriend: he wants another chance. He doesn't want to just drift away from her life. Going against his better judgment, he spills his guts to her when they exchange good byes. This is their conversation.

D: Do you people just come and go so easily?

L: Sometimes that's the way it has to be.

D: And what if you don't want that someone to go?

L: It's not always your choice.

D: Is it ever worth trying?

L: I guess it depends on the situation.

D: And us? .... I don't want to be a stranger to you.

L: You aren't.

D: I will be... If something doesn't happen right now.

L: What can happen?

D: I can show you that I'm different.

L: That's not always enough, Dustin. I'm different, too.

D: I think about the moments that pass us by. And only certain ones stick with us... As time passes, everything we go through, loses it's realness. They all just become stories. And memories... Lauren, I don't want what we had to become another story. I want it to be real.

L: What we had was real. It will always be real to me.

D: I guess it will just be a matter of time, then.

L: Dustin, I promise. You will never be a stranger to me. I won't let it happen. I can't let it happen. What you showed me. What you were to me. No one can replace. I'm not afraid because you are a part of me. And I can never lose that.

D: Thank you. I love you.

L: I know.

***************

My second favourite scene. Arthur and Alice had a wonderful date at the art gallery. They are talking and the night ended suddenly when she got a call from her ex-boyfriend. Alice doesn't come by in a while. Arthur thinks they have gotten back together. He is sitting in the park where him and Alice used to frequent when Alice comes by. They go for a walk and share this conversation.

A: So. Uh. Where have you been lately? Haven't seen you around at all.

Al: I guess I just got a lot on my mind.

A: Hey Alice. Ummm. I don't really know if it's my place to say it. But I'm glad that things worked out between you and Jeff. I know that you guys had something special together. It's all good.

Al: Arthur...

A: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope that we can still be friends. Because you are a nice girl. No one's really made me feel special before.... So....

Al: We didn't get back together.

A: How come?

Al: What would make you think that we did?

A: Well, I knew that you were still thinking about him, a lot. And that night, when he called, I guess, I just thought that you went over to his house. You guys talked. And .... I hadn't seen you in a while so I just thought you guys worked it out, and got back together.

Al: That's a lot of things to assume.

A: But, when we were hanging out, you did miss him, though, didn't you?

Al: Yea. I did. [pause] But the more time I spend with you. The more I realize that my happiness did not depend on him, anymore.

A: What happened that night?

Al: Well, you're right. I did go see him. And we did talk. But I realized that night. That what I was missing was a memory. And memories are nice to have, but they are not real, anymore. What's real is that Jeff and I are different people, now. What's real, is that I'm here with you. And I like it. I think we found something good here, Arthur.

A: Yea. Me, too.

*************

I think we can all relate to someone or a moment in this movie. The traits and experiences of the characters are so typical that they can apply to almost everyone. At one point or another, I think we can all relate to Arthur's shyness, Dustin's confusion, Natalie's frustration or Alice's attachment. These moments are so normal -- they can happen everyday -- and yet, so extraordinary when shared with that special someone.

People are complex. People are not perfect. Same with relationships. It's how we are able to deal with it which determines the outcome. Some are worth fighting for. Others, you just learn to move on and cherish all the good parts. How do you know which is which? Who knows. But one thing is for sure.

Life is made up of moments. Little moments. Moments which define who we are. Moments which can make us a little more happier. Or moments which make us sad. A hug. A kiss. A tear. An ending. A new beginning.

Making Time for Committment

I'm not the type of girl to whine, cry and consume a tub of Haagen Daz after a break up. OK. Given that I've really had one break up in my entire life, I may or may do it in the future.

However, during my last break up, I balled my eyes out the day of and the next day. After all my tear ducts were as dry as the Sahara Desert, I proceeded to occupy any spare moment of my time with stuff. That wasn't too hard to do, since I was taking 5 civil technical electives, T.A.-ing a first year calculus extra help session, and doing research on a side for a professor in Building Science. Fun stuff. In my spare time, I hit the gym, and hung out with my girlfriends, guy friends, whoever. Just so that I wouldn't have to go home, and face an empty house with my mind full of thoughts.

I remember after my last exam, I didn't want to go back home cuz my roommates were still studying for their exams at the library. I was so afraid to face my house alone. To be alone with my thoughts. In my room, where Almond had broken up with me.

I ended up tagging along with the guys and watched them play Playstation II. Or III. Or XX. Who knows. I would rather do that than go home. I ended up falling asleep after a couple rounds of some fighting game.

Then I went to Singapore for an exchange term. Needless to say that I was pretty much busy for 4 months. I also really enjoyed just meeting new people, going out and trying new things. I realized that trying new things was something which I was lacking. I mean, I spent so much of my time juggling between studying, family, and Almond, that I really didn't spend that much time on me. So I started trying new things. Stepping a out of my comfort zone. A little at a time.

I came back from Singapore and was more outgoing and more active. I started swimming with a friend (sometimes with the hot swimmer). I took salsa lessons with a friend. I started dragon boating. I played volleyball on the class team. I went out on dates. I went out clubbing. Basically, I just went out. It was a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed it. I met someone who made me excited to date again.

We were in the same salsa class, and he was one of my buddies' roommate. He was good looking, easy going and what my friends and I call, "a charmer." Let's call him Gelato. More on him later. Maybe.

I have never been a very active person. However, just being a little more active, not only gave me more energy, but it made me feel better about myself. I also liked the way my arms, shoulders and legs were more toned. It felt good. So I tried to keep up with swimming and running.

Just this year, I realized that I have indeed become quite busy being active. To plan a date would actually require planning ahead, because I kinda had to slot the guy into an appointment time.

It wasn't until lately that there has been someone I'm excited to see. Let's call him, Haagen Daz. I actually want to make some time to see him. It's a nice feeling. But also nice to know that my days are full without any guy, and I could be perfectly satisfied, as well.

I'm not about to throw all my plans out for Haagen Daz. We'll just take it one day at a time, and one date at a time.

I'm still going to stay active, and do all the new activities I have come to love doing -- which was previously used as time void filler. My new activities include soccer (I like indoor more than outdoors), volleyball, dragon boating, swimming and running. I also want to keep up with squash, too. I can't do this all at once, obviously, but a few activities at a time. Maybe I can even kill two birds with one stone and do some of the activities with Haagen Daz.

After all, the first time we met, we were both sweaty and sandy from playing each other on beach volleyball. So much for first impressions, eh? He still looked good. Trust me.

You, me and a coffee table.

I ran into my ex. Carrying a coffee table. At midnight. Last Thursday. Wearing the one shirt which he bought me.

Life's funny, isn't it?

A little background info. You can also read about him here. And here.

So after we parted ways last June, Almond and I haven't talked. It's not so much that I hated him or anything -- I'm not a hateful person, and can't really imagine myself hating anyone. Much less him. I was just really disappointed. I needed my space.

He's pretty much left me alone since, and didn't try to push the "friendship" thing any further. At least, he knew where I stood on that matter.

This February, I sent him an email wishing him a happy birthday. (Facebook birthday wishes are so impersonal.) It went something like this.

Hey Almond,

Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, or as you like to call it - HDay! What are you up to lately? I hope everything is going well for you and your family, and Candy*, too. :)

Take care.

All the best,
Des

* Candy is Almond's family poodle. She's getting quite old now -- she was 14 last time I saw her. She's adorable.

His response was the following.

Hi Des,

Thanks for the HDay wishes! I've been working as an engineering consultant, actually started not to long ago and ended up working in Toronto.

What have u been up to? u decided to do a masters or join the work force? I hope school is going well, enjoy it while it lasts.

It would be nice to see/meet you over hot chocolate (i don't like coffee) some time if you feel comfortable, otherwise don't worry about it.

Kind Regards,
Almond

We e-mailed a little back and forth. It was really nice to just catch up on his life for the past little while. We never got a chance to meet up before I left for my graduation trip, and figured we'd meet up after that. He told me he starting working not too long ago -- this February.

He is working in Toronto, and doing general computer consulting. He also just bought a house, and was moving in June. Just so happens that his house is really close to where my new job would be. Life's crazy like that, isn't it?

Anyway, after I came back from my graduation trip, I suddenly had a change of mind. I was really happy where I was in my life. In a way, I was afraid that if I met up with Almond, it might some how mess up the balance I had worked so hard to achieve in my life. So, I just told him that I wasn't ready for it.

Hi Almond,

Hope all is going well for you.

I just started work a couple of weeks ago, and it's been so far so good. I'm really liking what I'm doing and the people who I work with are amazing.

Anyway, right now I am thinking it's best not to meet up, but I hope your summer is going well.

Cheers,
Des

His response.

Hi Des,

I'm fine. Sound like you are doing well.

Glad to hear work is good at that you enjoyed your trip for the most part.

Regards,
Almond

So that was when we last corresponded. In July sometime -- so, not too long ago. Since I knew that he was living in the same area that I was, I wasn't expecting to run into him, but wouldn't be too surprised if I did. I thought about the different possible situations that may occur.

1) At the mall
2) On the subway (on the way to or back from soccer)
3) On one of my walks or runs around my neighborhood

Little did I know that last Thursday was going to happen a little differently. I have been looking into buying furniture for my new apartment. My friend suggested I try Craigslist for some gently used furniture. So far, it's been pretty good.

I went to see this musical after work with some friends from work. It was hilarious, by the way. I highly recommend it. Never have I seen so many guys at a musical audience, before.

So after the show ended -- about 10PM -- my friend, Y. and I went to pick up a coffee table on our way back to the subway. It was a gently used IKEA coffee table. $30. Awesome.

So we took it apart and took the bus back to the subway where her car was parked. I was also supposed to look at one of my old colleague's sofa (he was just trying to get rid of it) since he was showing people the next day, he told me to just come later Thursday night (after my musical) to see it.

Here is the fun part. Y. and I lugging my coffee table from the bus to her car. It wasn't too heavy, but bulky it was. After getting through the doors, we head towards the elevator. Then I hear a husky voice call my name. I thought it was Y.

Almond: Des??
me: What, Y.?!

I stop and turn around.

Y.: I didn't say anything.

I look up. It's Almond. I thought we just looked at each other, but according to Y., we were just staring at each other for a while. I finally found my voice.

me: Hi! How are you doing?
Almond: Hi. I'm good. How are you?

me: I'm good.

Awkward silence.

inner monologue: Oh. My. God. I'm carrying a coffee table. Hmm. And I'm wearing the ONE shirt he gave me. Shit. Hmm. Do I look good? I think so. My hair behaved today, and I have my contacts in. Oh. Should I introduce Y.?

me: By the way, this is my friend, Y. Y., this is Almond.

They exchange awkward hello's.

me: Sorry. I have to go. We're supposed to supposed to be somewhere right now.
Almond: Sure.
me: It was nice seeing you. Take care.
Almond: You, too.

We make it to Y.'s car. On the drive, I tell Y. that was my ex.

Y.: So that's why it was so awkward.
me: Yuppers.
Y.: That's funny. You have so many adventures. First we're looking at a coffee table and taking the bus with the said coffee table at 11PM at night! AND we run into your ex.
me: That's my life. Full of adventures. Just dandy.

I figured Almond was probably wondering where the heck I had to be at midnight that I couldn't even stop and chat. And carrying a coffee table. I felt a little bad for brushing him off. I didn't mean to. So, I figured I'd clear the air.

Hi Almond,

It was nice bumping into you last night -- as brief as it was. (Though, I hope you don't usually work this late. :P)

I know we haven't seen each other in a while, and it would have been nice to chat a bit. I didn't mean to brush you off -- sorry about that.

I was actually running super late meeting a friend I was going to buy some furniture off of. I'm just starting to furnish my new apartment that I'll be moving into in September (as you could probably tell with the coffee table).

Anyway, I hope you have a great weekend.


- Des

His response.

Hi Des,

It was nice running into you to. No need to apologize. I realized you were busy when I saw you walking at a fast pace carrying your things.

I hope you had a great weekend,
Almond


So. I think things are cool between us. We're grown ups.

I guess the thing I was most afraid of when facing him was that it would mess me up. That my emotions would just end up in a big mess, and all the work I've done would be gone. Funny enough. That's not what happened.

It was nice seeing him. But that was it. I no longer had a longing for him. It was almost like seeing an old friend. Almost.

I watched a movie a few nights ago with my sister created by WongFu Productions called "A Moment with You." Beautiful movie. Heartfelt. Touching. Realistic. Relatable. The quote that came to mind when I look back on that oh-so-awkward-run-in is this.

I think about all the moments that pass us by and only certain ones stay with us.

The moments between Almond and I. They will always stay with me. They will always be a part of my memory. They will forever be a part of me. He will always be a very special person to me. I will forever be thankful for all the beautiful and sad moments we shared. But our moment has passed. The realization is both sad and happy. It's like taking a step forward -- knowing that I can never go back.

Pretending to be a Grown Up

That's right. I'm pretending.

So this thought kinda struck me the other day when I got really excited rifling through the fliers -- they had Sunsilk shampoo and conditioner on sale at my local supermarket for $2!!! To top it off, they even had Oil of Olay body wash for only $3! I couldn't wait to hit the store and stock up for the next year or so. Do you know how much this stuff usually costs?!

Then I realized how excited I was about this. And it was kinda pathetic.

I feel like I'm playing house --but for real, now. The only difference is that I can't just leave the toys behind when I'm done and start another game. I also have to buy everything in the said "house," and it costs money. Sometimes, lots of money.

It's funny, I thought that grown ups knew "everything." By "everything", I mean they know most things and generally understand the world around them. In other words, they have answers, which I, never had.

However, now I think it's different. Obviously I am a "grown up", now, and have been for a while. Even though I still feel like a kid inside. (You know, feeling lost and confused most of the time.)

Now, I think being a "grown up" means knowing that you will never know anything for sure, but being able to accept that fact. It's also trying your best, and know that it's all you can ever ask of yourself, or anyone else.

Sometimes, it's about being brave when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for a while. Sometimes, it's about being strong when the people you care about are hurting too much to stand on their own. Sometimes its about having the faith of a child and just taking a chance.

In the mean time, I'm just going to continue pretending to be an "adult" and get excited about toiletries going on sale, then stocking up for the next year or so. Buy some furniture for my new basement apartment, ogle over bags and shoes I will not be able to afford (yet), and munch on my favourite desserts.

Me and Dating

You know those couples that have been together for god-knows-how-long. They met in high school and have been together ever since. Other people just envy them and the love they share.

I was one of those couples. Until I wasn't.

Now, for the past almost-two years, I have been navigating the dating world as a single gal. I've gone on my share of first dates, and then some. Some awkward. Some fun. Most of them were with genuinely nice guys. A couple with some jerks.

As a single girl who had her heart broken, the thing I was most afraid of was not being able to feel that way, again. The butterflies. The excitement. Being able to trust someone, again.

Rationally speaking, I will find someone. I am intelligent, kind, witty, out going, physically active -- I'm no model, but I think I'm fairly attractive.

But in the time that I have been alone, I think I have been working on the relationship that I had been neglecting while I was in a relationship with Almond. The relationship with me. When you've been together with someone for so long, there is no doubt that you don't always put your needs, first.

For the past almost-two years, I came first. It was a good feeling. I was able to grow as an individual, instead of as part of a couple. I was able to learn lessons of love. Lessons of forgiveness. Lessons of moving on.

I always thought that I would be the type of girlfriend who could maintain ties to their exes. I thought that to be able to spend such a significant amount of time with someone and share so much with that person, you would want them in your life. I was wrong.

I didn't know how much hurt that person could cause. Even though I have forgiven him, I think that's all I can do. Being friends would be asking too much of myself. I know my limits, and I am just protecting myself.

Besides, would Almond be worth explaining to my new boyfriend for someone to accept? I'm not so sure. When he wanted my friendship, part of it was to see if it would lead "anywhere." I guess that's the part that I'm skeptical about. He didn't respect me enough to be honest about his intent of a "friendship."

I know who my friends are. And, unfortunately, he is no longer one of them. He will always be an important part of me. But he is in past now.

I'll save the post for my disasters of first dates for another time. Oh lordy, there were some really awkward ones.

For now, I'll just say that I'm a little excited about someone. Someone who brings a silly grin to my face when I think of them. Someone whom I can spend hours talking on the phone with about nothing in particular. Someone who I can tease and they can keep up with their own smart remarks. Someone who I look forward to seeing sometime this week.

Case of the Ex

Another name for this post can be Chocolate Almond Croissant: Part II. This is going to be a long post.

So, I thought that now might be a good time to recap on what happened after Almond and I broke up. This is more for me to get out of my system, since I have never been able to bring myself to put this to paper. It also puts it in perspective.

After Almond and I broke up, some weird stuff happened between us. First, I just was so angry and hurt that I ignored him for a while. It felt like ages and ages to me, in reality, it was about a month and a half.

It was terrible and I am so thankful and grateful for the support of my friends and family. They are the ones who sat with me in the washroom as I cried (I’m not much of a crying-in-front-of-other-people person), bought me Hagan Daaz ice cream, made me peanut butter and chocolate chip brownies while we sat and bitched about my ex.

Might I add that the first Christmas after a break up is horrible. The guy actually had the nerve to send me an email that was so blaming and guilt ridden to make me feel bad for trying to move on with my life. I have never been able to read that email, again. Basically, he hacked my email and read every one for the past month since I refused to talk to him. Then, he had the nerve to tell me that he has been miserable while I have been out with guys.

So what if I started to go swimming with my hot swimmer friend who wanted to give me lessons. It’s no longer any of his business, right? It's not like I rubbed it in his face. He went through my private stuff. Anyway, he made me feel like crap and very guilty. And so, I agreed to meet up with him.

Mistake numero uno. I know. On hindsight, I should not have gone. But sometimes, it's nice to know that I tried to give him a chance even when he didn't deserve one. Sometimes.

We met for coffee. It was obvious that stuff between us wasn’t over. We talked, laughed. And I honestly forgot about all the shit he put me through. We did a little more than kiss. It was good. Better than good.

He wanted to get back together. I said it was a bad idea. I was going off to exchange in Singapore and I knew how he is long distance relationships -- terrible. I would be waiting for his calls, and they wouldn’t come. I would get annoyed and it would just be a damper on my trip. I wanted a break, but we’ll see when I get back. The time apart would give us both some time to figure things out.

We talked, emailed, msn-ed, while I was in Singapore. And a part of me was looking forward to seeing him when I got back to Canada. Who knows, maybe we’ll get back together. I had gone out with a couple guys (more to come on that) and I just didn’t really feel anything. Maybe Almond and I had something special. Who knows?

Almond was graduating that spring, so he went on a 6 week grad trip after his exams. He didn’t’ get back until June, and that’s when we met up.

Perhaps my expectations were held too high. See, I thought that he would realize that he made a mistake. In his frustrated and depressed state of endless job hunting, home problems, school projects, figuring out life in general, and a relationship, he lashed out at the one thing that he could depend on.

I mean, it’s not like he was going to write an email to Microsoft demanding a job or interview. He had no control over that. The way I see it, he saw me as a factor he could control. I didn’t expect us to get back together, or anything, but what I really wanted was an apology for how he handled the situation. Besides, I was always there for him. For five years. I guess he thought that I would fight for us, no matter what.

Backtracking.

Almond said that I didn't fight for us. But I did fight for us. Our break up devastated me. I asked him to reconsider what he was doing, even though I was hurting like hell right after it happened.

I told him he was stressed out, and I was not the cause of it. None of it worked, and I was hurting too much to keep trying. Obviously, he wasn’t taking care of me anymore, and I needed to take care of myself, now.

I had troubles concentrating on studying for exams, I was so afraid I would just barely pass. Every time I looked out the window, my mind spun, as to what went wrong and what I could have done differently.

Was I too bossy? Was I not needy enough? Maybe I should have put up with more since he was going through a tough time. I asked myself so many "what if" questions.

I realize, there comes a time when you have to give up the fight. I think that time comes when the other person has already given up – or expects you to want the relationship to work more than them. Both are bad, in my books. That was the situation I was in.

I later learn that what he wanted to happen was for me to ask for us to get back together, again. That would show him that I cared about us. Seriously. In fact, he said that, if I had theoretically been the one to break up with him, he would have asked me to get back together. Of course, because that would’ve have shown that he cared. Right. This made no sense to me whatsoever.

I told him that if I had broken up with him, I would not expect him to ask me to take him back. I would want him to move on. And for the record, we’re not in elementary school, anymore. Who plays such immature games? Honestly. I felt like he was a completely different person. The man, whom I loved, was replaced by a twelve year old with a big ego. Damn it.

Fast forward.

After Almond came back from his graduation trip, we met up. I'm not going into any details, but basically, it seemed like he put no thought into it.

He didn't feel bad about the crap he put me through, or for acting so childish. He still insisted on the same things -- that I should've fought for us. That I should have asked to get back together instead of trying to move on. That I was wrong for trying to move on. That I was wrong to want to need my space. etc etc.

He made it sound like I owed him a friendship just because we were together for 5 years. Like I was being selfish for not wanting him in my life until I get myself back on track. It was really frustrating.

For some reason, I still thought about giving us a chance. I told him then, that if wanted to try, I was willing, but this is the only chance he's getting. Because if he's not taking this chance, I've obviously wasted more than enough time on him.

Then he gives me some crap about how we just couldn't be together. That we are just fundamentally wrong. I asked for examples.

Honest to god, I'm not lying when I tell you he used these 2 examples.

1) When I went to Booster Juice one time, I got him a strawberry banana shake. He said he didn't like banana and that I should've know that. I apologized and said I forgot that the flavour had banana in it. He kept whining about how I should have known, and that I really don't know him, if I got him banana. Then, I got annoyed and told him if he didn't want it, then don't drink it. So basically, I should not have gotten him banana. Because the guy doesn't like banana.

2) When I first move to my new place, I gave him the wrong directions to get to my house. I have a really bad sense of directions, but also, roads in Waterloo do not run parallel or perpendicular all the way. They wind and curve and do crazy things. So, needless to say, he didn't make it to my place until after a very big detour. He was biking and he was tired and sweaty and I felt terrible. It was an accident. But that was the second example he gave me.

Go figure. Guys can be such fucking idiots. Seriously.

I need a margarita.

** Despite what the bunny says, I've been able to get past this. I really don't hate him or anything. I just don't think it's necessary to talk or pretend to be friends, since I can't really trust him as a friend. I only wish him the best. Those were some really great times we shared, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but it's also time to leave the past in the past, and move on with my life.

Still, it doesn't hurt to put on Daughtry's Over You, right now. :)

A "Guy's Bed"

I just realized that I have been sleeping in a "guy's bed" for the past few years of my life.

First, let me explain what I mean by "guy's bed."

des's definitions (with ideas taken from a post by my bloggy buddy, SO@24)

guy's bed: a bed that is functional. Most likely has a maximum of one pillow -- despite it being larger than a twin or single size bed. The thread count is most likely at a minimum -- whatever was on sale at Zellers or Wal-Mart at the big back to school sale.

girl's bed: a bed that is not only functional, but also comfortable and pretty. There are at least 2 pillows and probably a couple more "throw pillows", at least one (cute and furry) teddy bear, sheets are soft and silky -- at least 800 - 1000 thread count. The comforter probably comes in a matching set to the pillows and sheets. Not only is it a place to catch some zzz's, but its also a little slice of heaven.

So, now that I am a young, working professional. I am ready to buy my first piece of furniture -- which, for your information, is going to be a bed. I love my sleep, so this is going to take some research and investigation. I am determined to sleep in a "girl's bed", by the time I move into my new apartment in October. With my many soft and comfy pillows and matching sheet sets.

Ikea. Here I come. We're going to be seeing a lot of each other this summer. :)

Thoughts on Love Abroad

OK, I still haven't gotten pictures from the girls yet. Darn it. I can't believe how busy everyone is. But they will come soon. In the meantime, I will bore you with my reflections of "love" that I had while one this trip.

It's funny the thoughts that come into one's head while traveling. You have so much time it seems, and your mind wanders, whether you like it or not. It could be on a long train ride, waiting (yet again) for a delayed flight, drifting along the Nile, watching a sunset, climbing a mountain, watching a sunrise. You get it.

I guess one of the thoughts that hit me really hard was: "I can be happy again with someone new". I know. That took long enough, eh?! When I imagined myself -- perhaps traveling with a significant other -- the image was no longer of Almond. In fact, in wasn't of anyone in particular (most of the time) -- just a mysterious Mr. X.

Now, I truly believe (not just convinced by rationality) that I can really find someone who would love me for who I am, and I can love back with all my heart. It's taken me a while to get to this point. I've taken a look back on my relationship, and realized that I have indeed grown significantly as a person and as a (potential) lover and partner.

The most important part being that the relationship I have with myself is a lot healthier. I have more of an idea of what I want in my life, and more importantly, what my values are. I have learned to take a little more risk, but also learned to let things slide if they don't work out. I have learned to forgive myself, and other people, of mistakes or miscommunications, or whatever, but also know that it's alright to feel hurt and angry for a while.

Carrie Bradshaw once said,

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Before I left on my trip, Almond had emailed me and wanted to know how things were in my life and wanted to get together. I felt obligated to see him, but I said I would let him know when I get back. After weighing the pro's and con's, I feel it may be better not to see him right now. I'm pretty sure he has a new girlfriend, and though I do feel happy for him. I don't think I'm ready to see him. Plain and simple.

I'm happy where I am in my life right now, and I'm afraid seeing him will mess things up. I get to be a little selfish, right?

I'm BACK!!! :)

It feels great to be home -- always the best part of any journey.

I have been keeping a travel journal and have done pretty well with keeping up with most of it. I still have to add the last days of Egypt and the Germany parts. Other than that, my adventures in the land of the sun (Egypt), has been well documented with all of our quirkiness and stories.

First things, first though. I must do some serious laundry, make some phone calls, eat up some yummy home cooked food, watch the food network, pick out something decent for convocation tomorrow ...

So updates will probably be up in the next week or so. Unfortunately, my camera was stolen in the markets of Cairo, so I will need to get some of the photos from my travel buddies. So stay tuned!

I thought it would be neat to share a list of the things I missed while traveling.

* My family
* Laundry with a laundry machine instead of by hand-- painful
* Veggies and rice (my family bet on which one I would miss more)
* My music -- no iPod for 5 weeks
* Singing aloud to tunes
* My laptop
* Cooking (can't wait to try out my spices from Egypt!)
* Wearing shorts
* Seeing signs in English
* Timmie's everything bagel with herb'n garlic cream cheese (yummie)
* Fruits
* My bed
* Conditioner (my poor hair has been baked in the desert sun)
* Bubble baths

The above is in no particular order.

Ok, enough time wasted. Must do laundry. Ciao!