Like I said, I Overthink....

So, in this post, I talked about how I would over think.

At least I have a great support system that lets me know when I'm doing this.

One of my friends, LeBlanc, asked if I would like to go out for dinner this Friday. LeBlanc and I have been friends since Singapore, where we both did exchange. He's a great guy, really nice, except that he is quite undependable. He's the type of guy who is always late, and likes to change plans last minute.

Anyway, we've met up a few weeks ago for dinner (just as friends) and I invited him to my housewarming last weekend. He surprised everyone by showing up, and bringing chili. (We have some common friends, and we all knew of his carefree persona).

I get an email from LeBlanc on earlier on the week asking if I wanted to go out for dinner. I didn't think much of it, though it did catch me by surprise. The only thing I was afraid of, was if I made it downtown, and he changed his plans last minute, or if he would have to work.

So after he convinced me that, no, he wasn't going to change his plans last minute, and gave me free reins for the choice of food, I agreed.

We went out for Indian food here. Really good food. And we polished off two bottles of Reisling. After way too much food, we went on a search for dessert. At first, we were deciding between ice cream and cakes. Then we decided on crepes. Unfortunately, the crepe place was packed. So we end up at Starbucks, and we split a brownie.

It just so happened to be the opening weekend of the Art Gallery of Ontario. After debating whether the structural frame was made of wood or steel, we decided to take a quick peek inside. At this point, we're both really tired, and I'm afraid I might miss my last bus home, if I catch the subway. He says I can stay at his place, he'll sleep on the couch.

Right.

We just chilled at his place. Looking through random pictures in Facebook. He showed me the garage that him and his family built, and some pictures he printed out from traveling. He starts massaging my neck and shoulders, and it felt nice. He played with my hair and traced my arms to my fingers. Who would have thunk that my friend, LeBlanc, was actually a big teddy bear (?).

He starts to tickle me and pulls me over to his bed.

LeBlanc: I want to find out if you're ticklish everywhere.

I wanted to be tickled by him. It was only last week that I thought he was really cute, when he had this kinda mischievous smile (in all the time that I've known him). So, I said the first thing that came into my mind.

Me: I have to pee.

LeBlanc laughs.

LeBlanc: Alright, we'll resume after. (Or something to that effect.)

I come back. We look through some more Facebook photos. He turns around and picks me up, drops me on his bed, and the tickling starts. Have I mentioned how I like to be tickled. And he's ticklish, too.

There's a moment when he looks at me, and I really wanted him to kiss me. And he did. It was a nice kiss, and I kiss him back. It went on for a while, and I liked it. I didn't want it to go further though, and told him so.

LeBlanc: What did you think when I asked if you wanted to go for dinner?

Me: I thought you wanted to go for food.

LeBlanc: I wanted to ask you for a while, now. I'm not really good at this dating... thing. That's what I do sometimes, when I try to initiate things. And by sometimes, I mean never.

Me: Really? Did you expect this to happen?

LeBlanc: No. Until it did. Did you?

Me: No. I figured I'd just kinda go with it.

LeBlanc: Well, I'm glad you're open to ambiguity. I had a good time tonight.

Me: Me, too.

LeBlanc: Goodnight.

Me: Goodnight.

We go to sleep. I wish I could say that I slept.

The next morning was kinda awkward. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave, or wait for him to get up. I hate it when I think about things. I started thinking, "Oh shit. And I was sobered up when we were making out. I didn't even think that I liked him as more than a friend."

We go for breakfast. It was a little awkward.

LeBlanc: So, I'm not sure if I confused you last night. But I had fun, and I would like to do it again, if you're up for it.

Me: Is this weird? Were you drunk last night?

LeBlanc: No, I wasn't drunk.

Me: Niether was I.

LeBlanc: Maybe this will make things clearer.

He leans in and kisses me. Which is kinda awkward because it caught me off-guard and I didn't really kiss him back.

LeBlanc: Ok. That was a bit awkward. I know I'm not big on committment, but if I would like to go for dinner, again, sometime, if you want to. You don't have to tell me now.

Me: Ok.

I come home and and pass out and get up 4PM. Then, I call my sister and write this post.

I had a lot of fun. I was just thinking about it too much after the fact. I was thinking way too far, ahead and making a big deal of nothing. I was scared because I wasn't sure if I was ready for anything. I just thought way too much and lost sight of this.

We both had a good time. Maybe we'll do it sometime, again. And then, go from there.

Exhale. Now I am not going to think about, and what better way than to watch McHotsalot on Made of Honour.

It's Party Time!

That's right, ladies and gents. I am hosting a party at my apartment this Saturday. Woot woot! :)

I've never done this before. It's just my housewarming party that I invited a few people to. My circle of friends is small, but I figured why not mix in the people I play sports with my friends from university and some from work. Maybe throwing parties is part of growing up (?). Who knows. I am kinda excited.

I went to Black's today to print up a couple of pictures I am decorating my bare walls with. I love photo's. I don't think I appreciate paintings quite as much. I wish I had a better eye for photography. I should actually sort my pictures instead of just taking a million of them and uploading them to my computer.

Anyway, I also got some booze. A bottle of white wine, red wine, and some Absolute Peach Vodka. Yumm. Might need to get a game or two. It will be a potluck, so food is taken care of. I just bought some chips and juices to mix drinks with. Man, the party planning takes work!

This is should be fun. Now I need to come up with a cool playlist. Can't have people listening to my Celine Dion and Sarah McLachlan collection, now can we?

I have a date tomorrow night with the Nurse. We've gone out a few times and though I don't sense any chemistry, I like hanging out with him, so I'll just go with that. We're going rock climbing. Should be fun. I get to stare at his ass when he's up at the top, and he gets to stare at mine. It's a win-win situation ;)

Now to clean up! I have these 2 songs on repeat as I clean. Enjoy!

Boy Friends

My two closest girl friends, are - well, girls. But, most of my friends are guys. Sometimes, I feel like it's just easier to have guy friends. No doubt, there was an abundance of them when I was studying engineering in university.

I know boys are strange creatures, and I still have no clue how they function. I really am probably the biggest dunce when it comes to knowing if someone is showing interest in me, or not. The guy probably has to write it out in permanent markers, capital letters, with some flashing neon lights, before I know even ask my friends, "So, you think he kinda likes me?"

Where my friends would reply in chorus, "No shit, Shirlock."

Maybe it's because I was never used to getting attention throughout elementary school or most of high school. I guess I don't like to assume things, because I'm afraid that I would be disappointed, somehow. I don't even really get my hopes up.

I even have trouble figuring out if I really like a guy or not. Or is it that I just find him a really nice guy who I am attracted to. Is this weird? Or I feel like I should like someone because they are just the sweetest guy. And I don't.

People my age are getting married. Having kids. And not that I want to be in that boat. I don't even want to dive into a relationship. I just would like to have more of a clue of my taste. What kind of guy I would like.

I find that I like hanging out with the guys. I like it when I feel they are being extra nice, or paying more attention to me. I like just joking around and teasing them. But, after that, I don't know what I want.

I know that a part of me is also afraid of ending up like my parents. I know they love each other, but sometimes I question it. When they fight. When they fight often, over silly things.

I feel like, in building our family, they lost themselves. They come home from work, and cook, and take care of us (when we were little), and now that they don't have that, it's like they don't know what to do. It's like they stayed together for my sisters and I, mainly.

They put up with each other in-laws, they kept things inside when they should have talked about it, for the duration of their 30-year marriage. Now I wonder if they can ever even talk about it. Does there come a point when you keep so many things pent up that it's too much to go through? I don't ever want to be in that situation. It scares the hell out of me. I would rather be alone, then lonely in a relationship.

The Fighting

Amidst the partying (more than I've done in a really long time), this weekend. The thing that stood out for me was when my parents came to visit me yesterday. It wasn't a good visit.

My mom had to get her cavities fixed downtown, and they came up to see me after that. We have been discussing the possibility of my getting a car, recently. However, with the economy up in the air, financing a car is a huge burden. So my parents decided that I can take my dad's car (Toyota Corolla 2003) and my dad would take my mom's minivan, and then my mom would car pool with a co-worker to work.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

My dad has no patience.

My mom needs to convince everyone that she's right.

They are both as stubborn as hell.

It was so simple. And yet, so difficult.

My dad just cut my mom off as she was explaining something. Then, my mom kept explaining, and asked why my dad was being so rude. Then kept explaining. Pretty much my dad flew into a rage. They were both yelling at each other. Telling each other to stop talking. Yelling at each other.

I told both my parents to stop talking. To not say anything. I brought my mom to my room, and sat my dad on the couch. Pleading with them to stop yelling. They were both so angry. Angry at something that was so stupid and insignificant.

Sometimes these fights happen when I go home. I don't know what to say in these situations. I feel like a little kid, watching their parents fight. Helpless in the situation. I still feel helpless in the situation. I feel scared.

I feel like my parents keep so much inside. That some day, it might explode. They can't talk about their problems because it seems to always get out of hand when they try to. And it's not the problem they are talking about, its about all the stupid little things that are at the outskirts of the problem. Someone is always trying to prove the other one wrong.

It scares me because I don't want to end up like this. I don't want to see my parents like this. I understand that couples fight, but ... this is too much. I don't know what to do. If there is something I can do. I don't know.

Dehli to Dublin

I went to their concert in Toronto last night. I'm exhausted this morning and have no idea how I dragged myself out of bed.

They are a fusion of Bhangara (Indian / Bollywood) music and Celtic (Irish) music. I know it sounds a little weird, but I like how it sounds. The Violin really compliments the drums and vocals really well. Check out their website here.



Above is a clip of their performance at Parliament hill on Canada Day. Enjoy!

My Christmas Ball Date

So, yesterday, I'm out with my friends heading out to our volleyball game. I used to work with a bunch of them from my previous co-op term, and we still play sports together. Volleyball and soccer.

At my old work place, the Christmas party was less formal. People dressed up -- but not too much. No evening gowns. Maybe a sparkly shirt or something. The best part was, it was just for the people at the company. No guests.

For a single gal, like me, this is awesome! Nothing to worry about.

At my new company, we have this fancy Christmas ball. Yes, that's right. A ball.

I like to dress up. I like free delicious food. I don't like it when I don't have a date. So here was my dilemma. My two close guy friends from university had moved away. To the other side of the country. And I don't want to make anyone feel obligated or feel sorry for me and accompany me.

So I asked my sister. Turns out she has exams to study for. Drats.

So, I was telling my friend, N. about it. Kinda complaining to her that I had no date to this fancy ball, and it sucked. Then, one of the guys walking ahead overheard, and volunteered to be my date. Let's call him, Sporty.

Sporty turns around, and puts his arms around my shoulders.

Sporty: Don't worry, Des. I can be your date.

me: Huh? Really?

Sporty: Yes. I've always wanted to go to a fancy ball.

me: Ummm. Sure.

Then, somehow the topic was changed.

I wasn't sure if Sporty really meant it. So after our volleyball game, I asked him if he was serious.

me: So, you're serious about the ball?

Sporty: Of course, I am.

me: So, you're free on the 29th of November?

Sporty: I will make it free.

me: Great. That's awesome!

Sporty: So what colour is your dress?

me: Umm. Not sure yet. What colours are your shirts?

Sporty: I can always get a tie or another shirt to match your dress.

my internal monologue: For real!? Yes!!

So, Sporty and I play soccer and volleyball together. I think he's cute. I don't really know him that well. We hang out cuz we're in the same group of friends and he works with my friends. I know I shouldn't make it more than it is, which is that he's just coming with as a friend. But, I just can't help how I feel, and it is a little jittery and happy.

So today, there were a few emails going back and forth about entree choices and what I would like him to wear. I told him I had a total of about 3 dresses that I had in mind. Two were the Hong Kong style dresses, and one was an Ao Dai (Vietnamese styled pants suit). He said he really liked the Asian styled dresses, they are "refreshing."

Sporty: Would you like me to wear a dark shirt with a light tie? Or a white shirt and coloured tie?

me: The latter.

I offered to help him out with shopping for the tie, if need be. I said that my engineering guy friends usually didn't like shopping, and I didn't want to be too much trouble.

Sporty: I would for sure love some help picking out the tie. I find a female's touch is almost always needed. I am in computer science so I should hate shopping even more since I am a big computer nerd.

Is this flirty? Or no? I'm just going to assume the latter, and enjoy my date.

To recap: I have a date for the Christmas ball. And he's nice. And cute. Tall. And he's going to match me! I'm in a better mood from this weekend, already. And that is why I need to get out more.

The Real Reason

I know I talked about all the reasons why I didn't like Haagan Daz, anymore. But the real reason we broke up is because I don't think I can care about him, the way that I want to. I'm still heart broken over Almond.

I feel like I don't even know where my heart is. I feel so lost. And I feel like a pathetic idiot for still being hung up on Almond.

I'm not going to lie. I'm still hung up on him. And I hate it. Hate it.

I've been running away from my feelings with activities and dates. At the end of the day, I still feel the same way, and it's frustrating.

As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I've given him my heart. All of it. And he's broken it. But he still has his heart. He can give it to whomever he pleases, and I can't even find the pieces to mine.

This sucks.

Same Mistake

So, it's a Friday night and I'm up thinking. Thinking nostalgic thoughts. Getting a little emotional. After watching P.S. I Love You, this song is on repeat.



Lately, I've been a bit emotional. It's hard to say why, I just kinda feel like I'm in rut, and I want to get out of it. I guess, the emotional roller coaster is somewhat warranted. A lot of things have happened in the last few months. Recapping:

And I feel a bit overwhelmed. I feel a bit lost in life. I miss my friends. I miss university life. I'm scared because I'm not sure if I'm ready for "real" life to start, yet. I'm scared because I'm afraid that I won't ever love again.

After Almond and I broke up, I tried to fill every spare minute with stuff. With things to do to take my mind off of thinking about him. I was successful for the most part. I played volleyball. Dodgeball. Soccer. Took up yoga. Salsa dancing. Swimming. Running. Even tried rock climbing. Went out partying. Spent some much needed girl time with my sisters and friends. It was great.

After I moved somewhat out of the city, it has been significantly more difficult to get around via public transit. I've been spending more time at home. I go to work, come back home, cook (sometimes), sleep. And repeat. And repeat.

All this time alone. This time alone that I have worked so hard to avoid since the break up is hitting me really hard. I guess when we broke, after my initial sadness, I wanted to move on. I felt that if I spent too much time dwelling on the past, I was being weak. That he didn't deserve the time I spent thinking about him. But now, that I've been home quite a bit, I've been dwelling. Thinking. And I just feel sad. Almost empty inside.

I feel like I've given him all my love, and I have none left. I feel as though he broke my heart, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do.

When I saw the trailer for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, there was a part that really stuck with me. The part when Alexis Bledel finds out that the man she loved had lied to her about marrying some girl. And then her friend asks her, "So what? He's not married. Why can't you just forget about him, and follow your heart?"

Then Alexis says, "Because! He broke my heart!"



That's how I feel now. Still. After almost 2 years. I feel like my heart is still broken.

It's frustrating. Why am I not over by now? Why do I still feel angry when I think how he just left. After 5 years, he just left me. And he wanted me to fight for him. Because that would've showed him that I cared. Why? I loved him. And he left me. He broke my heart. And it's still broken. Why can't I fix it?

Even though, at the time, it was good to keep myself occupied with activities. Lots of activities. And many that I have grown to love. I think I also need to give myself some "me" time. It has been exhausting trying to run away from my emotions. At the same time, I'm not sure how to face them. I just know I need some time to let myself feel hurt. To feel sad. Even though that was the very thing I was running away from. Maybe you can't just skip all the sad part.

Having said that. I still want to stay active, but maybe, in a healthy way -- instead of just running away from my emotions. I think that I would like more of a mix of what I would to stay involved in.

So after a few months of working, I am having positive cash flow. I have been thinking of buying a car. I will need it for work, but, I think it will definitely help me get around. I'm thinking of doing some volunteering, and am now in the process of looking into organizations I would like to be involved in, in addition to some sports.

I will still be sad about Almond. A part of me just can't help it. But I won't pretend to not be sad. He was really special to me. And I really cared about him. But I need to move on. How... I'm not sure, yet. But I'm beginning to think that I can figure this out.

I guess it's like what James Blunt's song says. I don't want a second chance. I will just make the same mistake again. Maybe Almond was my mistake. But if I had to do it all over, again. I would. Without him, I wouldn't have known love. Without him, I wouldn't have known heartbreak. But without heartbreak, I might not have known love.

Maybe one day, we will talk again. Instead of just speaking, but not now. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But maybe, one day. Right now, I'm still hurting. I guess it's okay to hurt. Even if it's for a long time.

A Confession

Below is a confession that I haven't told anyone yet. Not the entire story, anyway. I feel a bit embarrassed, and a little ashamed about it. I also feel a little surprised I did it, and in a weird way, empowered.

When my friend and I stopped in Berlin during our grad trip, we stayed at a hostel. We were usually really sleepy and tired, and went to bed early and got up late. Our room was shared with about 8 other strangers. A few Mexicans, a couple Russians, a Croatian (that's all that I can recall).

One night, we decided to take our new friends up on their offer, and we head out to a bar together -- my friend and I, the Croatian and the Russian.

The Croatian is drunk, and his Russian friend is very quiet. Both cute. The Croatian reminded me of the new James Bond, just younger and not as built. I'm not sure who the Russian reminded me of. He was a little short, but he liked to dance -- which is something that I always like. So we dance in the bar to the 80's karaoke mix of love songs and such. It was fun.

After a few drinks, we are all a little more happy than we were before. We head back to our hostel. A little weird that we're all crashing in the same room, but that's what traveling is about right? New experiences.

I wash off my make up, change into my PJ's and climb into the top bunk, ready to pass out.

Russian asks me if I want to sleep with him -- in his broken English and mix of hand signals.

Russian: Can I sleep with you?

me: Huh??

Russian: Just sleeping. Only sleeping. Can I join you?

me: NO!

Internal monologue: How drunk does this guy think I am? And in a roomful of people?? Is this how they roll in Russia?

Russian: Just sleeping. No touching. No sex.

I ponder this for a second and a stream of thoughts kinda hit me. Mainly my loneliness for the past year. How it's been so long since I had been close with a guy. To have him hold me. Kiss me. Touch me. It would be nice to be held. Besides, he can't really try anything in a room of 10 people. Not to mention that Croatian had already made himself at home in my friend's bed.

me: No sex. Just sleeping.

Russian nods.

Russian: No sex. I'll be good.

me: OK.

Russian is very happy and then goes to take a shower. He comes back and climbs into bed. I have to admit, it felt really nice to be held. To be caressed. To be kissed. I liked the smell of him cleaned up. I even liked the hint of smoke and liquor when we kissed. But he was a good boy, and we did just go to sleep after a bit.

I didn't end up sleeping much. A part of me questioned what I was doing. A part of me just felt really lonely. A part of me realized that sex means something to me. Even a kiss means something to me. A part of me wished that they didn't. A part of me was glad they did.

Girl Talk

I love them.

Last weekend, my girl friend, B. and I got together for dinner. We both kinda had "break ups" recently and we had some much needed girl talk.

B. and I met when we were both in Singapore and have been pretty much traveling with each other ever since. It's funny, sometimes, you'd think that when you are half way around the world, your mind would be there, too. And the truth is, that my mind isn't.

I can be half way around the world, I could be on the moon, and the same things would most likely be on my mind. I can't escape it. Sometimes, I wish that I can.

B. probably saw me at my most bitter stage of getting over Almond. It was January of 2007 and we had broken up not too long ago. Then, it seemed like we broke up again, in June 2007 -- even though it was just a horrible meeting up.

And now it's almost the end of 2008.

I've had a few tries at the dating pool. Mostly with really nice, sweet guys. Though none that I can really picture myself dating long term. There's always something that just doesn't feel quite right. And I would rather be lonely and single, than lonely and in a relationship.

After my break up with Haagan Daz, B. was worried about me. She's a sweet girl, and she told me that she was afraid that I might become one of those people who have too many experiences and none of them feel special anymore. And she was afraid that was what happened with Haagan Daz.

She also said that I still seemed angry at Almond and encouraged me to forgive him. The truth is, I really tried. I'm not a hateful person, or one to hold grudges. However, when it comes to him, I still feel angry when I think of what happened. I feel hurt, all over again. And I wish it would just go away. I wish that I could just let it go. But I don't know what's stopping me.

I didn't want to get all teary eyed during our talk but, the truth is that Almond broke my heart. As simple and cliche as it sounds, its the truth. He broke it. And I'm not sure if it's back together, yet. And I'm not sure if it ever will be. That's the part the scares me. How could someone have such a big impact on me? I feel like I should've moved on by now, and I don't think I have.

In another emotional girl chat with my sister, I told her of my fear of even starting to feel that way about someone.

me: I'm afraid that I won't let myself fall in love, even if I'm staring that person in the face, cuz I'll be afraid to get hurt.

sis: You were hurting from you first love, but you got through it. We were there to support you last time. Me, baby sis, your friends, B. and J. And if you have to go through it again, we'll be right there. With ice cream and reruns of SATC. So, you see, you don't have to be afraid of taking a chance when the right guy comes along. Nothing to be afraid of.

And I realize that she's right.

When the right guy comes along, I want to be able to love whole heartedly, because that's just how I'm built. But if it doesn't work out, I know I'll be OK.

Everyone needs a girl chat. I'm glad I have such great girls to have them with.

Secret Garden

Fighting It

I read this article the other week about how we fight things. Instead of embracing whatever happens, we are used to fighting things. The article instructed us to say, "I wanted it to happen," to everything that happened to us for one day. If it was raining, and we were caught in it, "we wanted it to happen." Your boyfriend of 5 years just broke up with you, "you wanted it to happen." You got fired today, "You wanted it to happen." You get it.

Silly? Well, the point of this exercise was to see how many things we didn't want to happen. How many things we "fight" a day, instead of just embracing it. It was indeed, very interesting, though simple it may be.

So, I've been a emotional lately. You could probably tell from this post. And this post.

One of the things that I've been thinking about was how much I've been fighting with myself on my feelings and thoughts towards Almond. I guess, after our break up, I just really wanted to move on. I wanted to skip the sad parts. Somehow I felt as though, if I spent time being sad, I was weaker. And so, I threw myself into activities, and clubs and going out.

And to be honest, I don't regret that at all. I've become a better person because of it, and I am thankful that I hadn't huddled in my room eating ice cream for a few months. But, in that process, I also didn't let myself be sad and mourn the relationship that was over. Don't get me wrong, I was sad, but maybe, I didn't let myself feel the full extent of my sadness because I was afraid of what that would be admitting to myself. If that makes any sense.

The other day. I was talking to my sister about my break up with Almond, and my break up with Haagan Daz. In my break up with Almond, I always thought that I would be better off if he had just explained things to me. I deserved it. So when things weren't working out between myself and H.G., I explained to him why. I thought I was doing him a favour.

At the end of our conversation, he asked me one question that I couldn't answer.

H.G.: Why don't you sound sad?

me: Ummm. I don't know.

I think I know the answer now. It's cuz I just wasn't that sad. We hadn't been dating that long. I didn't feel like I had really lost anything. I just didn't want to hurt him. And I thought by explaining myself, I would hurt him less.

Wrong.

There is no good way of breaking up. Explanation or none.

And so I go back to Almond. Even though I know he didn't give me any explanation, I knew that it hurt him. In fact, I knew that it probably hurt him more than anything else. And in a way, that makes it better.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about our good times, and our bad times. I've come to the conclusion that our relationship died. It's not him. It's not me. The "us" part died. For many reasons, and no one is to blame. I'm sad, because I realize that there aren't that many people who will have as big of an impact on my life, as Almond did. There aren't that many people who will ever know me that deeply. There aren't that many people that I can connect with on that level. In the end, I lost a friendship, a kindred spirit. That is the saddest part of all. I think that was the hardest part to realize.

And its only after all the anger has passed, all the confusion has passed, all the hurt that has passed that I realize this. But I'm glad that I have. Because by realizing it, I think I can really move on. I can be happy -- truly happy -- for the future that beholds both of us.

I looked him up on FB. Of course, he has his profile on public. But when I saw him with his new GF, I didn't scrutinize her. I was actually happy that he looked so happy with her. (Ok... maybe I did question if she was more attractive. Just a little. I'm only human. ) Honestly, I'm glad the guy was happy. I missed that smile.

Are You For Real?!

Seriously?! SERIOUSLY??!!

Wow. I. Am. Speechless.

When I first saw this, I thought it was a joke.

I guess money can really buy you anything.

Note: I know. I know. I'm a little behind. I don't really watch TV. I just found this out last week. But, seriously.

What does it feel like?

Sometimes, I forget what it feels like to be in love. To love someone. In that romantic , your-heart-skips-a-beat kind of way.

I was having a talk with my little sister this weekend. I was telling her that I had to end it with the guy I was currently seeing. I didn't really like him that much.

In a way, I thought this was sad. I went from loving one man for almost 5 years of my life, to barely able to like someone for more than a couple months. I know it's not as simple as that, but sometimes I ask myself, "What happened? What does it feel like to be in love, again?"

My sister is 19, and she's never had a serious relationship, yet. She is a smart, independent and very attractive girl. She gets a lot of attention from the guys, and yet, she hasn't been able to find one who she wants to have a relationship with. There's the liking stage, but then as she gets to know the guy, she realizes that there are traits that just annoy her, or that she finds unattractive. She asked me if there was something wrong with that.

I said, no. I felt the same way. And sometimes, I'm scared that I won't be able to feel that way, again. To love someone, and to feel loved.

She asked what it felt like when I was in a relationship with Almond. She knew that we loved each other, and wondered if there was a way I could describe it to her.

It was a little difficult for me to relive those memories. Those memories which made me so happy.

I remember that I was always happy around him. I couldn't wait unti I saw him next. It didn't matter if we were just hanging out or going on a trip. I just loved being with him.

I loved talking to him. Hearing him tell me about his day. I loved watching movies and falling asleep in his arms.

I loved the way he stroked my hair when I was sleeping (well, almost sleeping). I loved the way he kissed my forehead in the mornings. I loved the way he looked at me and told me I was the most beautiful woman told me I was perfect.

I loved reading his cards. I still have every one. And the letter he wrote me when he first went away to college.

I fit in with his friends, and was pretty close to his best friend, from high school, y-lo. Even though, y-lo always teased me. One thing he said to me, kind of stuck with me.

Almond and I were on our way to a ski weekend. Y-lo lent us his car (yay!). This was the first vacation / getaway that Almond and I had in all our years of dating. We were both excited, even though he had a big report due the day he came back.

y-lo: Hey, Des. Make sure that when you guys are driving, Almond is paying attention to the roads. It's dark and it might be icy in parts.

me: Yea, don't worry.

y-lo: I'm serious.

me: Ok, Mr. Worry-wart. Don't worry.

y-lo: I'm serious. Because whenever Almond is around you., he just stops paying attention to everything else.

me: Oh. Ummm. We'll be careful. [pause] Thanks y-lo.

I remember that when I used to work at an amusement park, sometimes Almond would come pick me up. He'd drive for almost 40 minutes, pick me up, then drop me at home.

I remember when Almond used to walk me home after school. We used to stand at the corner and talk. About anything, and everything. Then one day, he suggested that he walk me home, instead of standing and talking.

And so, that's what he did. Even though I lived about 15 minutes in the opposite direction. He walked me home - for the rest of the school year, until he graduated and went to university.

Even in university, we were happy. We lived to together for a short while. It never even occured to us, or to our friends, that we would ever break up. We were just always so happy. Holding hands, smiling, joking, teasing -- we were around one another.

Then I remember the bad times. When we would fight. When he would keep things inside. And never let me in.

Sometimes, I just had no idea what was going on in that mind of his.

Almond and I hardly ever had big fights. He doesn't like to raise his voice. He would rather keep it inside. I would try to get things out. And when I thought I had succeeded and getting out what it was that was bothering him, and I thought we had worked through it. Only to realize that he still kept things inside, and they were still bothering him.

I felt like he had a box. And it was where we would put my mistakes, or the times that I hurt him. Of course, I never meant to hurt him, but I am only human. And I make mistakes. But I felt like he doesn't let these things go -- that my mistakes go into this "box." I could tell when the "box" was getting full. And I didn't know what to do.

That was near the end of our relationship. I wanted him to tell me what was bothering him. I didn't realize that he had kept so many things inside. Until one day, we were talking his car. He wanted to go to California for his career. I wanted to be encouraging. I really did. But not once, did he mention anything about us. When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I asked him.

me: Almond, I do want to support you in your decision to go to Silicon Valley if that is your dream, but what about us? You didn't even mention "us" , or ask me what I thought.

Almond: Well, you can come with me.

me: But all my friends and family are here. Don't you want to ask if I want to come with you?

Almond: I put my dreams aside for you, once. I don't want to do it, again.

me: What?? What are you talking about?

Almond: Two years ago. When y-lo went to Japan. I wanted to go. And I asked you, if you wanted me to go. And you said, "no." So, I didn't go. Going to Japan has been a dream of mine, and I didn't go because you didn't want me to. I don't want to put aside another dream for you.

For 2 years, he kept that inside. I had apologized, but he had asked me how I felt. And I was honest. But, now, 2 years later, it resurfaces. And I had no idea he felt like this the entire time -- somewhere in the back of his mind.

I remember a couple months after we broke up, we had met up again. Almond had wanted to get back together and I thought it best we didn't, since I was going to Singapore -- and it would've been for the wrong reasons. My heart wanted to get back together, but my head told me otherwise.

When I told my friend, J. She said this,

J: Des, even though you tell me all these great things about him. Even though I know you really loved each other. When I think of you and him, I can't help but think back to that day after you guys broke up. You came to school. Then you went to cry in the washroom. All I can picture now, when you talk about him, is you crying in the washroom.

You can't unknow what you know. You can't unfeel how you felt.

I think of all the good times with Almond, and I ask myself, "Would there have been a way for us to work it out." Then, I think of all the hurt, and I wonder why in the world I should forgive him. But I want to. I want to forgive him.

I have yet to find someone who could make me laugh the way he did. Someone who I could have conversations with about anything, and everything. Someone who could make me feel the way he did. Someone who I admired as much as I did him. Someone who I could be excited to share a life together, like I felt with him.

And it scares me. This confusion that I still feel. Would I ever love, again? I want to. But, I'm not going to lie to myself. I haven't felt "love" in a while. Will I ever feel it, again? I want to. I really do. But a part of me, that has known hurt, knows that next time, it won't be the same.

I Think Too Much

Honestly, I do. I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. That’s why I need this blog. I need to get it out.

Sorry I haven’t replied to your comments. I love reading what you guys have to say! I haven’t had internet at home since I moved (again) in September, and these blogs were posted when I was at work. I didn’t want to check my URL at work. Just in case.

My random thoughts:

1) Marriage.

My friend from high school is getting married. She is my age – 24. They are bought a house together. It feels surreal.

I know. She’s getting married. Not me.

How can I voice it that I think she is doing it for the wrong reasons. I feel like I’m more stressed out about it than her. If that is possible.

I’m afraid that she is getting married for the wrong reasons, and will end up unhappy.

Why do I keep saying it’s for the wrong reason? I know, it’s not my place to judge, and everyone is different. This is why.

Her parents want her to get married. To someone who is of her religion – she is Sikh.

She was in a couple of serious relationships. Then, she decided that she would give up on them, and just let her parents choose someone for her, because this dating thing wasn’t working out.

The first guy, I didn’t like. He was very possessive, and for some reason, she felt like she had to lie to him about her education. Long story. Basically, they were engaged, and then they called it off.

The second guy, she didn’t even tell me about until a year or so into their dating. Then last Christmas, when we met for lunch, she told me of her dilemma. The guy’s family wanted him to have an arranged marriage, and did not want to accept her.

The way I saw it, was that the guy did not have the guts to stand up for the woman he cared about. He didn’t want to break it off with my friend, but also did not want to “hurt” his family. Aside: I’m not sure how a marriage could hurt your family. I would think that your family would be happy for you if you were happy, no?

My friend gave him an ultimatum after about 3 years into it, and said that if he did not stand up to his family about her, she would have to break it off, and just get an arranged marriage. And that is what she did.

This April, my friend calls me on my birthday and tells me of the news. I know I should be happy for her, but I just feel scared.

She seems fine with it. She said she likes him enough. Though, I’m not sure what “enough” is. She said this way, she gets to know him for a few years, and then have kids when she’s about 27. Seriously. What am I supposed to say in response?

I guess why I think about it so much, is because I always reflect other peoples’ lives onto my own. Will this be what I am going to resort to? God, I hope not. I still think that marriage should be romantic. With someone that you just can’t get enough of. Whom you love more than anyone else. Whom you’re just happy being around.

Or am I just naïve in thinking that that exists?

2) Almond.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Not in a bad way. Just thinking of how things were. How things changed so much. Wondering how his life is now. Thinking that he set the bar a little too high for me in the relationships department. Wondering if I will ever meet someone who could make me feel as happy and as special as he made me feel.

I’ve been thinking of writing him a letter. No so much as in sending it to him, but what I would write if I were to write him a letter. That’s for another post. You’ll see what I mean.
In the meantime, I should get back to work.

Wish me luck at the wedding. I hope there is good food. And my sari is loose enough that I can eat all the good food.

Oh! And I hope I meet some hot, brown dude there.

Food, and hot guys. I’m not asking for much, right?

Excitement is OVER.

You know when you first meet someone, or when you meet the right someone. You're in what I like to call " La La Land." Sometimes its for a short amount of time, and others, it's for a longer amount of time.

When I was with Almond, it was for a long time. My friends thought that I didn't even notice other hot guys. Which I did. But it just didn't matter. When I liked "Gelato" (more on him later), I was in La La Land, too. But with Haagan Daz, I'm afraid it has died. And it's been less than 3 months.

Now, I know that it's not supposed to feel the way it felt when I was with Almond. A naive, high school giddy girl. Now it's different. I know what it's like to be hurt and I am more protective of my heart. But I believe I am still supposed to be in La La Land.

I guess I just got over the initial excitment with Haagan Daz and when I got to know more of him, he just didn't seem that attractive a person.

A couple things triggered this. Partly because I was on PMS. Partly because I'm seeing his true colours that I might have not noticed when I was too busy being excited.

Last weekend, I stayed with my parents on Sunday night because it would've been too late to take public transportation to my apartment. So I had to make the 2hr commute (gross!) to work on Monday instead of my usual (15 - 30 minutes). Since I told Haagan Daz, I would give him a call, I did.

me: So, I figured that I'll just stay over at my parents' place. It's late.

H.G.: Oh, really? Well, I could've come and picked you up at the subway and drove you home. I don't have to get up early.

me: Oh, really? [thinks about it] No, that would be pretty far for you to drive. I'm just going to stay here, but thanks for offering.

H.G.: Oh. Well. I wasn't really going to drive you. I just figured I'd offer. It is pretty far.

me: Oh. Okay.

my internal monologue: So, why exactly is he telling me this? Awkward.

Same thing happened on Friday when I was working downtown and we were getting together afterwards.

Why does he tell me that he didn't really mean the offer? Like he has to make that clear to me, or something.

We talked on the phone a couple times during the week. I got bored. Caught myself reading, "Bitter is the New Black" by Jen Lancaster. Then put it down. Then nearly fell asleep hearing him talk.

Then, I noticed things that just bugged me.

Like how he answers the phone with , "Yeeeeeeeellllowww."

I asked him about that later. He told me he gets it from Homer Simpson. Nice.

Then on Friday, I just noticed that we don't have that much in common. We don't have the same sense of humour. Stuff that he finds funny, I just find awkward.

For instance, we're cooking tacos. He's browning the ground beef. Then he starts "mooo-ing". Like a cow.

After the first mooo,

me: So, you're moo-ing like a cow.

H.G.: Moooooo. [again]

After the first moo, he moo's again. For added effect, I suppose. Does anyone find that funny? I just thought it was him trying to be funny, but it was just awkward. Or was it just PMS?

Now, the last bit.

Haagan Daz has an anxiety disorder, where he gets really really nervous when meeting new people. He feels sick, literally. He told me about it, and I did appreciate his honesty. But then he talks about it. A lot.

We were supposed to go up for a Dragonboat festival on Saturday, and he was going to meet my friends. I wanted to see my friends' inputs and see how he interacted with other people. Needless to say, he was really nervous. Then, he told me this. Which, I just thought was disgusting. Disgusting. Not funny. At all.

H.G.: I get really nervous, and I don't want to throw up all over your friends. Like, this. [pretend handshake with the air] Hi, I'm Haagan Daz and its nice to meet you BLUUUURRRRRPPP [makes a throw up noise and accompany gestures]

I cringe.

He continues.

H.G.: And hi, so-and-so. I'm BLLLLLLUUUURRRRRPPPPPPP. [throw up noise and gestures]

Honestly. Excitement is over. So. Over.

Manis and Pedis

I have never had a manicure or pedicure before. Until last weekend. It was against my free will.

I know that it's supposed to be relaxing and fun.

Call my crazy, but I was feeling everything but relaxed. What could be relaxing when I see them use instruments to pick at my nooks and crannies that have been probably full of dirt with the same instruments they use on every other person who walks in?! For all I know, they could be putting those other people's crap back under my toe nails. Gross.

Or do I just watch too much CSI?

Never again. I can paint my own nails and draw my own flowers, thank you very much.

OK, maybe I can't draw my own flowers. I can live without flowers on my toes.

So, why did I get my nails professionally painted, you ask. And how was I forced into it?

Simple. My best friend from high school was getting married next Saturday and the official engagement ceremony was that night. My toes needed to look good.

I never thought that anyone would pay much attention to my toes. Until I was at the ceremony. Every lady had her toe nails pedicured. I was so glad my toes fit in.

I felt like I was in high school. When all the girls had the brand name shirts, and shoes. And I was in my baggy clothes because I didn't want to pay $45 for a dress shirt, when a $5 would do. I had to save for tuition, man.

Except, this time I felt like I sort of fit in. Only, it felt silly, that anyone would judge me by my toes. Doesn't it? But I'm pretty sure that they would have. Silly, I know. My insecurities. I'm working on it.

Oh. Speaking of her wedding. I get my life back after September 20th.

No more of conversations like this:

Des, make sure you're at my house next weekend.

Des, make sure you come to the official engagement ceremony.

Des, can you help out at the bridal shower.

Des, make sure you leave your Friday nights free. Just in case we decide to do something then. Yes, please cancel the plans you already made.

(OK, she didn't say the last sentence, but I think that was understood.)

Des, book next Thursday and Friday off from work. We need to do our Henna.

Des, it doesn't matter that you live about 2 hours away of commute via public transit. Or that you have to work the next day. Be here!

Like I said. I get my life back after September 20th.

After that, I am going to spend my whole weekend just the way I want to. Sleep. Sleep. Cook. Sleep. Sleep. Shop. Sleep. Sleep. Decorate. Sleep. Sleep. BLOG. (After I get my internet set up at my new place, that is. Wish me luck.)

Less than 2 weeks to go. Grin and bear it. Grin and bear it.

Friday at the Office

J.D.: You know there are Star War fans in the office when ...

Me: ... when your boss is pretending to be a Wookie.

2 Things that Happened at Work, Today

1) My boss and I broke into a church.

Me: I've never broken into a church, before.

My boss: Well, technically, we didn't break in. The back door was left open.

We were supposed to meet a priest at a job site. He wasn't there. Which leads us to occurence numero deux.

2) A priest lied to us.

My boss: Father, we were at the church at about a quarter after three today. We didn't see you.

Priest: I was there.

[My boss's inner monologue: Liar!!!]

...And this is what keeps my job interesting.

We went to the Zoo

Haagan Daz and I. Last last weekend. It was fun. We looked at the animals. I wanted to see the Coral Reefs exhibit, and he wanted to see the Spider Monkeys. (They were actually very cool. The only animals who weren't sleeping or just lazing around.)

In a conversation with my friend, J.

me: We went to the zoo last weekend.

j.: Oooo! The zoo. That's where couples who just first start dating go. How exciting!

Dating. Such a vague term.

So I've been "dating" for almost 2 years-ish. I think I need a post on le boys of 2007 and 2008.
So far, I've learned a lot. But I also have more questions.

Like now. So. I like Haagan Daz. He likes me. We've established that. After that, I don't know.

So, we've been dating for about a month now, maybe more. Dating -- as in going out. To the movies. To the beach. To the zoo. On walks. That kind of stuff.

He's cooked me dinner. Pasta, mind you. But it's the thought that counts, right?

We made out on my roommate's couch, last week. Actually, I don't even know if I understand what is included in the term "make out." Let's look it up on Wikipedia.

In human sexuality, making out is a sexual euphemism of American origin dating back to at least 1949. It covers a wide range of sexual behaviors, and means different things to different age groups in different parts of the U.S. It typically involves kissing, including prolonged, passionate kissing (also known as French kissing), intimate contact, including heavy petting-that is, skin-to-skin contact, or other forms of foreplay. Making out is usually considered an expression of affection or sexual attraction to a current or prospective sexual partner. An episode of making out is frequently referred to as a make-out session.

Hmmm. That's vague, too. But that pretty much encompasses what we did. Minus the heavy petting.

The first time we met was at beach volleyball court where his friends and my roommate frequents. So they've seen me before. All sweaty and sandy. So they know about me -- his two close buddies.

He's told his mom about me. He's told his brother and sister-in-law about me. I told him I told my friends and sisters about him. But not my parents. Asian parents can be messy.

We talked about taking the next step. About being a couple. And here come my diarrhea of confusion and random thoughts.

I am not as young or as foolish as I was when I fell for Almond. Where I pictured us living happily ever after, before I decided to take the next step and be his girlfriend. Now, I am just thinking of taking it one step at a time. If I like him, I'll continue seeing him. See below a conversation I had with my girlfriend, J. this weekend about my confusion.

me: So, I like him. What I know of him so far, anyway. I know it's not supposed to feel the same as I did with Almond. And it doesn't. I just feel like I like him. And that's it. I'm not thinking too far into the future. I just like how things are going now. Is there anything wrong with that?

j: Yea. You're not young and foolish, anymore. That's OK. That's good. That's dating.

me: How do I know if I want to me be his girlfriend? I mean, I thought that after a week or so, the idea might make more sense, or sink in. Is that what I want? How do I know what I want?

j: How does it feel?

me: It feels nice. But I also feel like I'm not letting myself go. Too much, anyway. Just a little bit at a time. I feel like I keep catching myself, and preventing myself from falling. Like it's an instinct. Whereas with Almond, I let myself fall.

j: Well, you know what it's like to get hurt, right? You protect yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

me: I feel like I've been single for so long. And finally, I find someone I'm actually looking forward to seeing, and getting to know. It's a weird feeling. I don't think I'm afraid of commitment.

j: Are you, though?

me: I don't know. I wasn't before.

j: But now is now. Are you afraid of it now?

me: I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe I'm afraid to get hurt.

I think that is the bottom line. I'm afraid to get hurt. He's a little different than the guys I've dated. When I say "dated" I mean, went out with a casually. When I say "went out casually" I mean out for dinner, movies, hanging out, etc.

I haven't had anything serious since Almond. I haven't felt any attraction to the guy's I've been out with. I haven't even wanted the guy to kiss me. With the exception of Gelato -- whom we'll discuss later (but he's old news, anyway.) Am I feeling confused because I feel an attraction to Haagan Daz? Or is because he's different in a lot of ways than the guys I'm used to dating.

For one thing, he does not worship Star Wars. Or computer games. Thank god. He's also not an engineer. Believe it or not, kids, I've been only dating engineers. And one nurse -- whom I believed was gay. More on him later.

Things that have been on my mind (not exactly problems per se, just stuff):

Haagan Daz went to college instead of university -- he's a machinist. He's really tall - basically 6' -- I am 5'3". We may or may not hang out in different social crowds -- not sure, yet, since I haven't met his friends and vice versa. He works nights, sometimes. When he gets nervous, he can't stomach food.

He also has a list of foods he doesn't like (side note: I'm a big foodie, and had hoped to find a guy who would love to try different cuisines with me. Almond was a picky eater, too.)

Things that I like about Haagan Daz:

He's been very open and honest with me. Whether it be about his past, or current issues he is dealing with. We talk and talk about anything.

I feel very comfortable around him, and I look forward hanging out with him. Whether it be going out, or just staying in.

He's cute. And tall. And funny. He treats me like a lady, is quasi romantic.


That's it for now. Back to work!