One Step at at Time

I've always been someone who likes to have a plan, to know where I'm going, and where I am at the moment. I guess, one thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be that person all the time, because, frankly, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going and where I want to end up.

I just know one thing. The most important thing to me is to be happy. To be content. To be able to spend time with the people I care about. To do the things that I want to do. To be able to find satisfaction in my work.

I used to think of myself as someone who had "it" together. To be honest, I used to imagine myself as one of those people who find their true love in high school, and then get married after college and live happily ever after. And when you see yourself like that for a while, it's hard to convince yourself that, "No, you didn't 'fail'. It just didn't work out." As silly as that might sound to you.

I guess in my relatively short time of dating, I feel as though I've learned more about what I don't want than what I want.

I don't want someone who is arrogant. Biggest turn off. Ever. I was in Singapore and one of my classmates asked me out for dinner and a movie. "Wahoo!" I thought, "My first date in a foreign country." After the movie, we went out for dinner and he spent 95% of that time telling me about how great he was, and all the important people who he knew. Yawn.

I also realize that I can be with the nicest guy in the world, and there would be no chemistry whatsoever. I had no urge to kiss them, and thought of what I would do, should they try to lean in for a kiss. Which also brings the question, why do girls not like nice guys? Is it really because they make it too easy or show all their cards? I don't know. I really wanted to like a nice guy, though.

I realize that education and career goals do matter to me. Even though I'm not attracted to a work-a-holic, I have a lot more respect for someone who has career goals, or life goals. Someone who tells how great it is that they are watching episodes of House at work, doesn't float well with me. (Haagan Daz)

I also learned that I could really like a guy because he's smart, attractive, fun and still have this teeny tiny bit of hope, even when he turns out to be a jerk. Why?! I don't know. (Don't worry, that phase has passed.)

With LeBlanc right now, I have no plan. I don't know where we're going. Where we are, though, is good for me right now. We're dating. We see each other about once a week. I get massages, and flowers :) I like this testing period.

Last week, I went over and he cooked me dinner. Shepherd's pie :) And the weekend before I made him dumplings (frozen ones).

I like this part of dating, I feel like I'm testing him out (for lack of a better term), and I haven't really found anything that I don't like.

Neither of us are big phone people, though we do talk about once a week. I wonder if that's a no-no. I remember I used to talk to Almond for hours on the phone. Every relationship is different, and I'm trying to just do what I feel comfortable with, instead of over analyzing and over thinking everything. Have I turned into a non-phone person?

I know that I don't feel like I'm crazy about him - in that way where I can't think of anything else. That's not to say that I don't think about him (quite a bit more now, actually), and I look forward to seeing him. But... is this how things start? Am I taking baby steps?

Call me crazy, but a part of me is thinking that I might find something that I won't like, or he might find me utterly boring, and it will be "the end". Yea, I am quite the optimist, aren't I?

$45 on diapers in May 1989

That's how much my parents spent on diapers in May of 1989. Their organization and financial detailing and spending is something that I wish I had half of. It truly is amazing.

It's crazy. The older I get, the more I am in complete and utter shock and how my parents were able to pull through raising us kids.

When I was little, and until I was in grade 7, my dad was the sole provider for my family. My mom babysat for cash when I was in grade 2 until grade 7, and after that she went back to work. Though, it was very little in hind sight, it was enough that we could save away and use my dad's income for most of the day to day spending.

Even though my dad was a book keeper in Hong Kong and my mom an accountant, when they came to Canada, they have always worked in factories. My was working making airplane wings at MacDonald Douglas until he was laid off. Then, he worked at a wall paper company in the press lines until he was laid off. And until lately, he has been working in the assembly lines of a car manufacturing company.

My dad's pay cheque for the month was just a little over what I make now in 2 weeks. I know that the dollar was worth more in the past, but it astounds me and humbles me that my parents were able to provide so much for their 3 little girls, when they had so little themselves.

This makes me feel quite guilty for not knowing where my money is going. It's not that I spend frivolously (or, at least I don't think that I do), I just realized that if you asked me how much I spend on groceries last month, I can't give you an exact number.

So this is one of my new year resolutions - too keep better track of my expenses.

Next step would be to start looking into some investments, but first I'm going to focus on paying of my student loan (so they can stop getting all that interest from me!), and tracking my expenses. Wish me luck! :)

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays :)

I realize how truly blessed I am to be able to celebrate my holidays with family and loved ones.

Even with kinks and bumps along the road, my family has always managed to be there for me, every step of the way. For that, I am eternally grateful.

This Christmas was my first grown up Christmas. That means that instead of getting 2 weeks off, I only get two and a half days off. Le sigh. But, it also makes me want choose who I want to spend that time with.

The day before Christmas Eve, who do I run into at the bus stop, but Almond. I see him as he is running to catch the bus, and I just got off. He stops to chat.

I was feeling a bit awkward, and pointed out that his bus was leaving. Even though I knew it came by often. He said, that he could take the next one. He asked how I was. Usual small talk. I wished him a Merry Christmas. He said it was nice seeing me.

I got an email from him a few days ago.

from: Almond
to: Des
date: Fri, Dec 26, 2008 at 12:39 AM
subject: Merry Christmas

Hi Des,

It was nice to see you again the other day. Just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. I hope everything is going well for you.

Sincerely,
Almond

I know I should have responded earlier, but a part of me just wasn't sure what to say.

The thing that I realize now is, that I'm not mad at him anymore. I'm not bitter anymore. In fact, I'm just really sad.

Really sad that our relationship ended the way it did, and that there is nothing in the world that can make that better. So many times, I had wished that he could say those things to me that I desperately wanted to hear, and that somehow, things would be better. But, I now realize that there are no such words.

What we had is gone. He can't bring it back. And neither can I. It isn't so much that I miss him, or that I miss our relationship. It's that I miss who we were and what we had. But I can't go backwards. I can't unlearn what I have learned throughout our relationship, and our break up. I am no longer that naive, innocent, wide eyed girl.

But I know what it was like to be in love. And I also know what it's like to have my heart broken. Perhaps the memories are all that really exist.

I know that I could have responded with something that was impersonal. However, I decided to give him a glimpse into my life. And I didn't ask him a question so he could chose to respond however he chooses to.


from: Des
to: Almond
date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 4:39 PM
subject: Re: Merry Christmas

Hey Almond,

Thanks for the Christmas wishes. I hope you had a nice Christmas with your family. It was nice seeing you again, as well.

I'm not sure if your holiday has ended yet, mine were pretty short. I guess that comes with being a grown up :P. I'm still juggling this post graduation-work reality. I hope you are doing well.

All the best in the new year!


Des

All I know is that, Almond is in the past. He was a huge part of my past, but that is where he belongs. He helped me become the person I am today, and I am grateful. I know that I was a big part of his life, too, and I am glad that in the time we had together, we were able to make each other happy.

2 years...

That's pretty much how long it's been since I've last had sex. Actually, I'm not sure if last night counted. We had a little mal-function.

So there is a part of me that believes that Cinderella's god mother really existed, and that she and her prince lived happily ever after. And, as I grow older, I feel as though that part of me gets smaller and smaller. Things aren't simple any more and compromises are made. And sometimes, our minds live in the fairy tale land, but in the real world, we're making compromises more than we would like. I'm referring to my tough times with Almond.

For instance, I used to think that sex was something that was out of this world. It wasn't just sex, but it was making love. To the person that you love more than anything in this world.

To be honest with myself, most of the time, I just wanted to have sex with Almond because it felt good, not because I wanted to be taken to another galaxy or something. That's not to say that I didn't care about Almond.

Last night, I just wanted to get laid. LeBlanc and I have been having some heavy make out sessions, and it's crossed my mind a few times. I loved the feeling of his lips on my body. I hadn't wanted anyone to kiss me like that in a while.

I think a part of me, is starting to like what we have. As undefined, and random as it is. I was so afraid to have any expectation, because I feel that the consequences are two fold. 1) I might get dissappointed and more importantly, 2) There might be some expectation of me to feel a certain way, and I'm not sure if I can or am ready to feel that much, yet.

And yet, I am starting to have expectations. LeBlanc said that he would visit me this Friday. Unfortunately, there was a snow storm, and he couldn't make it. It wasn't his fault, and it would have been crazy to come up, but I couldn't help but feel a tinge sadness - wishing he was here. Then, I had wanted him to come up on the Saturday or Sunday. And, he did.

We watched a movie and ate my left overs. It was nice just snuggling on the couch and watching "Lars and the Real Girl."

After the movie, we made our way to my room.

Most of me is perfectly fine with what happened between us. Blame it on hormones, horniness, or just instincts. Another part of me is questioning myself, shouldn't he be your boyfriend to do stuff like that?

But I know that if we had established the whole "boyfriend / girlfriend" status, it wouldn't really make things easier. I would still have my baggage and fear of committing to something that might not feel right. LeBlanc would still be the carefree guy, and I would rather have a moment be just what it is, without having to justify it.

Though we did have some talking last night. That was the first time that LeBlanc and I talked about our past relationships, and thoughts. He told me that he's really nervous around me, partly because he was afraid he wasn't witty enough (yay! he appreciates my smart aleck remarks!).

He told me that he thought I was really rational and not too emotional, which he found kinda mysterious. (There may be some lines lost in translation since we were both on the brink of sleep and still mumbling about.) I told him that as cliche as it sounded, I was once a terribly emotionaly person. But after getting hurt, I learned to take care of myself more, and sometimes that meant that my emotions aren't seen. Sometimes, things are easier to deal with that way. But it didn't mean that I didn't have them.

Then he tells me that sometimes it's ok to let go.

Wow. This sounds like a really cliched conversation.

A part of me, is glad that I was able to be honest. With both myself and LeBlanc. I can't help but feel what I feel. At the same time, I can't help it if I'm not feeling something.

Just Hanging Out... in Ottawa

I took a little weekend get away to Ottawa this weekend to visit my baby sister. Ok, she's 19, and not a baby, but still.

It was so damn cold!!! I'm talking about minus 15 degrees Celsius - which is about 7 degrees Fahrenheit. With the windchill it was almost 10 degrees colder. (I'm complaining so much, you'd think that I just immigrated from Southeast Asia...)

Anyway, we hung out and I realized how special the time we shared really was. Even though we were essentially doing nothing special. We cooked dinner, watched a movie. Talked about Law and Order episodes we've seen (more so me, than her), and then fell asleep. We walked around downtown Ottawa and ducked into coffee shops and other heated shelters. Browsed used bookstores and ate Beavertails - yummm! We hit the gym together, then pigged out on desserts afterwards. The usual.

We eventually made our way to a Second Cup and ordered some lattes as we chatted about life. Boys. School. The lattes were frankly disgusting, but our conversation was great. Here was my little sister and I talking about anything and everything. And I realize how really rare a moment like this is in the last 4 months.

It makes me think back to the time that we were kids, and how easy life was back then. It makes me think that what we had back then - was all the time in the world, and we didn't even know it. It's both beautiful and a little sad.

But it also makes me feel so grateful that we have grown so close. That I can tell her things that I might not be able to tell other people, and know that she's not judging me. It's kind of comforting knowing that we have similar fears, and I feel like we are facing them together, by sharing how we feel about them.

I feel that as I get older, there are fewer people who really matter to me. My family, has become all the more important to me. Especially in the past year. I'm not sure where I would be without them.

It is what it is...

I'm sitting here watching the latest episode of Ugly Betty, and sometimes, she reminds me so much of myself. The part of her that's responsible and serious. Sometimes, I think that I'm just too serious and responsible.

I know it's cliche, but I guess a part of me if going through some kind of quarter life crisis. Maybe crisis is a bit of a strong word. I guess I've been working full time for about 6 months. I feel like I don't really know anything. That my time is being billed to projects that I really don't know that much about. I guess I need to learn to ask for help more.

I come home and I'm tired, and most of the time, I don't feel like doing much. In fact, I'm so afraid that I'm just going to be coming home, eating and sleeping. Gah!! That's why I need to keep doing sports -- but my last soccer game is next Wednesday, and that's it. Until next season starts in January.

I understand why people gain weight so easily. It didn't really happen to me in university, and I don't want it to happen to me now. That should be motivation enough to get out and do things. And yet, it's so easy to stay in.

A part of me is questioning -- is this it?!

Sometimes I feel like I know what I don't want, and don't really know what I want. I feel like I had done all the right things. I've always acted smart and responsibly, and now I'm wondering where it got me. I never did drugs, never even smoked a cigarette, always got good grades, finished at the top of my class in high school, had a boyfriend who was a good guy, finished my degree in engineering, traveled in my undergrad to places I never knew existed, have a good job.

Now what?

Should there be more? Or should I be happier? I feel like I am in such a great place in my life right now, but I don't really know how to enjoy it. I feel like it should feel different. And I really feel scared. And confused.

It's like I always knew what the next step was. After high school, it was university. After university it was work. And now that I'm here, I'm not sure if this is really where I want to be for the rest of my life. Which is the really scary part. I think that I can be happy right now, but I'm kinda worried about being happy forever here.

Which I guess, is silly. Now that I'm writing it out.

I think that a part of me is exploring that part with LeBlanc. The "before" Des does not do stuff like have slumber parties with guys that I just started seeing. That Des does not allow him to touch me. That Des usually plays it safe until she eventually gets bored cuz there is no excitement. Or maybe it's just cuz I haven't met someone who excites me, yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about LeBlanc. A part of me likes parts of him. Who can really complain when he's such a great kisser? Another part of me likes our random talks walking back from the movies or from dinner. Another part of me is drawn to his care-free persona because that means that I don't have to feel like I'm tied down, or that I have to have things figured out.

A part of me is scared that I might start expecting more or want this to go farther than what it is now. LeBlanc is not exactly Mr. Commitment. And even though, I can't call myself Ms. Commitment.

I just don't want to be disappointed.

A part of me feels like I'm being the carefree, careless person that I wasn't when I was in high school or university. When I think about it (which isn't really too hard for me to do), I question what kind of a message I am sending him.

It's probably not a really good one. But then, LeBlanc is one of the least judgmental people I know. I hope he hasn't judged me too much.

He asked me to go to his work Christmas party next week.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, still. But I think I'm ok with that for now. Defining something doesn't change how I do or don't feel about a situation. I think I'm just going to go with it for now. At least, try to, anyway.

me: So. I'm not sure exactly what we are or not, and that's why I'm confused. I usually like to have things clearly defined. And I believe that is not us.

LeBlanc: Would you prefer to define this?

me: Um... I'm not sure if that makes it easier or if that helps. I like how things are now. I don't like to have expectations because it just makes things complicated.

LeBlanc: What sort of expectations would you have?

me: I don't know. I like hanging out with you. Believe it or not, I don't usually have slumber parties at my guy friends' houses. I'm kinda confused at my actions.

LeBlanc: Well, we aren't exactly just friends.

me: I know. I don't know what we are. I like hanging out with you, and I like certain aspects of you. But I don't want to ruin it by having expectations.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations would you have?

me: I'm not sure. Would this be a regular occurrence? This once a week thing. Phone calls. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can talk to you on the phone, you talk so slow. You might put me to sleep, or I might bore you.

LeBlanc: I think I like this once a week thing. I would like to continue it. The phone. I can do phone calls. I would let you know if you were boring me.

me: Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that.

LeBlanc: What I meant was that I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. I would let you know.

me: Oh.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations did you have of me before?

me: Honestly?

LeBlanc: Yes.

me: Ok. Don't take this the wrong way. They weren't very high. I kinda have this expectation for you. You -- in the general sense. General sense, meaning, like my guy friends. And half the times, they don't keep their plans. It's just too much work to get angry when they cancel, that I just don't expect them really keep them. I know they don't mean to disappoint, and I don't like to get mad. So it's kinda a win-win situation.

LeBlanc: So you had some low expectations of me?

me: Not you per se. You in the general sense. Please don't take it the wrong way.

LeBlanc: What kind of expectations do you have of me now?

me: I'm not sure.

I don't think we figured much out that talk. I told him what was on my mind, and I'm glad that we talked about it. I don't really like to have things weigh on me, and it helped me realize a couple of things. One of them being that I can talk to LeBlanc and he's a pretty good listener to my mumble jumble.

Things seem to be a bit awkward the next morning. He doesn't hold my hand, and then, I'm not so sure that this really is going anywhere. Or if it can.

The subway was a short ride. At his stop, we part ways.

me: So. Are you going to tell me what to expect? I don't like surprises.

LeBlanc: I.... I think that we're going to be ok, Des.

me: Huh?! What's that mean?

LeBlanc: I think that it's ok to have higher expectations.

Then he kissed me goodbye.

So, I'm supposed to let him know about his Christmas dinner next weekend. He's staying in Calgary this weekend, and I'm heading out to Ottawa to visit my sister.

LeBlanc: Do you want to come with me to my work's Christmas party?

me: Ummm. Isn't it a 60's theme? I don't have an afro.

LeBlanc: That's ok.

me: I think I'm supposed to go home. Can I let you know later?

LeBlanc: Sure.

me: So, I'm going to recycle a line that you used.

LeBlanc: What's that?

me: 'So, I didn't make you feel so awkward that you never want to see me, again?'

LeBlanc: I said that?!

me: Yep.

LeBlanc: And what was your response.

me: I think I said, "okay..."

LeBlanc: That's a good answer.

me: Good night.

I'm not sure why I like to re-write parts of our conversations. Maybe I just like reading them :)

I think I'm okay.

Do I Have to Know How I Feel?

LeBlanc and I went out. It was a really nice steak house. Quite fancy and romantic, actually. Which is not how LeBlanc is (from what I know of him).

LeBlanc: So I didn't make you feel so awkward that you don't ever want to see me, again?

me: I guess not. Anyway, I owe you dinner. I got this one.

LeBlanc: No, no. I got this one.

me: You got it last time. I got this one.

LeBlanc: Trust me. You will change your mind once you see the menu. I'll make a deal with you. I'll get this one, but you'll have to go out with me, again.

me: That's not fair!

I look at the menu.

me: OK. You can get this one.

LeBlanc: I've been plotting to get you to go out for dinner with me here ever since I came here with work. Now, my plot has succeeded.

me: Why didn't you just ask if I wanted to for steak the first time?

LeBlanc: Because you wanted Indian food. Trust me, this steak is really good. Probably one of the best steaks I've had in my life.

Dinner was good. I think LeBlanc has having a steak-gasm.

I was heading up to Waterloo to visit my sister last weekend. There was a bus that left at 9:30pm and one that left at 11:30pm. I told LeBlanc my first bus time.

After dinner we went and sat in the lobby. We were both full and tired.

I'm not sure if it's the buzz from the wine. Or maybe something else.

We got to talking. He started playing with my hand and holding my hand.

me: I actually have another bus at 11:30pm that I can take. But you'll have to entertain me until then.

LeBlanc: I can do that.

...............

A couple things have happened in between. I'm not sure what it is that's going on. Which confuses me. I like to have things clearly defined. And this is clearly not defined.

What I know.

I liked kissing him.

To be continued.....

Is it true...?

I once heard that guys tease you because they like you. I'm wondering if there is any truth to that.

Which brings me to this story I'd like to share. It's about LeBlanc.

One night, during my exchange term in Singapore, a group of us decide to hit up an all-you-can-eat sushi bar downtown. Now, I'm a huge foodie, so when I do all-you-can-eat, I don't hold back. I wore my empire waist shirt (which could hide all the food in the world!).

After dinner, LeBlanc teases me about my shirt.

LeBlanc: So, Des, when is the baby due?

me: Haha. Very funny. I wore this shirt, so I can eat as much as I want without anything showing.

LeBlanc: So, is it a girl or a boy?

This goes on for the duration of the night. Alternating between his two great lines. It was St. Pattie's day, so we hit up a bar. The teasing continues all night. By the end of it, I was tired of it, and kinda pissed.

me: Alright, already. Give it a rest. What do you know about style anyway, you're in engineering.

LeBlanc: Hey, I take offense to that. I think I look very stylish in my fake LaCoste shirts.

I shoot daggers.

The next week, the same group of us goes out for chili crab. (Oh, what I would do for a plate of chili crab right now....Yummm) Anyway, back to the topic. LeBlanc apologizes.

LeBlanc: Des, I'm really sorry. I think I went over board with the teasing last week. I feel terrible.

me: Yea, you should. You made fun of me all night. All. Night. I don't like being called pregnant. No girl every does, believe it or not. Unless she is in fact, pregnant.

LeBlanc: I know, I know. I'm sorry. I felt so bad, I got you a sorry gift.

me: You did? Oh, you didn't have to.

(Now I feel bad because I think that he thinks that I can't take a joke.)

LeBlanc: No, really. It's just a little something.

me: Really? What did you get me?

LeBlanc: It's a surprise. I'll give it to you after dinner.

me: Uh. OK.

After dinner, LeBlanc hands me a bag. I look inside.

It's a pair of baby mitts. The. Nerve. I hurl the mitts at him.

LeBlanc: It's for the baby. It might get cold when it's back in Canada.

--------------------------------
I never thought much of it, though it's a funny story I like to tell when people ask me why I carry my cell phone in a baby mitt. Just thought it might be a nice story to share.

On another note, I'm supposed to have dinner with LeBlanc, tomorrow. I'm still uncertain if we will meet up. I talked about his lack of dependability here. He's been in Calgary most of the week for work, but is supposed to be coming back from Calgary tonight. We'll see.

Like I said, I Overthink....

So, in this post, I talked about how I would over think.

At least I have a great support system that lets me know when I'm doing this.

One of my friends, LeBlanc, asked if I would like to go out for dinner this Friday. LeBlanc and I have been friends since Singapore, where we both did exchange. He's a great guy, really nice, except that he is quite undependable. He's the type of guy who is always late, and likes to change plans last minute.

Anyway, we've met up a few weeks ago for dinner (just as friends) and I invited him to my housewarming last weekend. He surprised everyone by showing up, and bringing chili. (We have some common friends, and we all knew of his carefree persona).

I get an email from LeBlanc on earlier on the week asking if I wanted to go out for dinner. I didn't think much of it, though it did catch me by surprise. The only thing I was afraid of, was if I made it downtown, and he changed his plans last minute, or if he would have to work.

So after he convinced me that, no, he wasn't going to change his plans last minute, and gave me free reins for the choice of food, I agreed.

We went out for Indian food here. Really good food. And we polished off two bottles of Reisling. After way too much food, we went on a search for dessert. At first, we were deciding between ice cream and cakes. Then we decided on crepes. Unfortunately, the crepe place was packed. So we end up at Starbucks, and we split a brownie.

It just so happened to be the opening weekend of the Art Gallery of Ontario. After debating whether the structural frame was made of wood or steel, we decided to take a quick peek inside. At this point, we're both really tired, and I'm afraid I might miss my last bus home, if I catch the subway. He says I can stay at his place, he'll sleep on the couch.

Right.

We just chilled at his place. Looking through random pictures in Facebook. He showed me the garage that him and his family built, and some pictures he printed out from traveling. He starts massaging my neck and shoulders, and it felt nice. He played with my hair and traced my arms to my fingers. Who would have thunk that my friend, LeBlanc, was actually a big teddy bear (?).

He starts to tickle me and pulls me over to his bed.

LeBlanc: I want to find out if you're ticklish everywhere.

I wanted to be tickled by him. It was only last week that I thought he was really cute, when he had this kinda mischievous smile (in all the time that I've known him). So, I said the first thing that came into my mind.

Me: I have to pee.

LeBlanc laughs.

LeBlanc: Alright, we'll resume after. (Or something to that effect.)

I come back. We look through some more Facebook photos. He turns around and picks me up, drops me on his bed, and the tickling starts. Have I mentioned how I like to be tickled. And he's ticklish, too.

There's a moment when he looks at me, and I really wanted him to kiss me. And he did. It was a nice kiss, and I kiss him back. It went on for a while, and I liked it. I didn't want it to go further though, and told him so.

LeBlanc: What did you think when I asked if you wanted to go for dinner?

Me: I thought you wanted to go for food.

LeBlanc: I wanted to ask you for a while, now. I'm not really good at this dating... thing. That's what I do sometimes, when I try to initiate things. And by sometimes, I mean never.

Me: Really? Did you expect this to happen?

LeBlanc: No. Until it did. Did you?

Me: No. I figured I'd just kinda go with it.

LeBlanc: Well, I'm glad you're open to ambiguity. I had a good time tonight.

Me: Me, too.

LeBlanc: Goodnight.

Me: Goodnight.

We go to sleep. I wish I could say that I slept.

The next morning was kinda awkward. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave, or wait for him to get up. I hate it when I think about things. I started thinking, "Oh shit. And I was sobered up when we were making out. I didn't even think that I liked him as more than a friend."

We go for breakfast. It was a little awkward.

LeBlanc: So, I'm not sure if I confused you last night. But I had fun, and I would like to do it again, if you're up for it.

Me: Is this weird? Were you drunk last night?

LeBlanc: No, I wasn't drunk.

Me: Niether was I.

LeBlanc: Maybe this will make things clearer.

He leans in and kisses me. Which is kinda awkward because it caught me off-guard and I didn't really kiss him back.

LeBlanc: Ok. That was a bit awkward. I know I'm not big on committment, but if I would like to go for dinner, again, sometime, if you want to. You don't have to tell me now.

Me: Ok.

I come home and and pass out and get up 4PM. Then, I call my sister and write this post.

I had a lot of fun. I was just thinking about it too much after the fact. I was thinking way too far, ahead and making a big deal of nothing. I was scared because I wasn't sure if I was ready for anything. I just thought way too much and lost sight of this.

We both had a good time. Maybe we'll do it sometime, again. And then, go from there.

Exhale. Now I am not going to think about, and what better way than to watch McHotsalot on Made of Honour.

It's Party Time!

That's right, ladies and gents. I am hosting a party at my apartment this Saturday. Woot woot! :)

I've never done this before. It's just my housewarming party that I invited a few people to. My circle of friends is small, but I figured why not mix in the people I play sports with my friends from university and some from work. Maybe throwing parties is part of growing up (?). Who knows. I am kinda excited.

I went to Black's today to print up a couple of pictures I am decorating my bare walls with. I love photo's. I don't think I appreciate paintings quite as much. I wish I had a better eye for photography. I should actually sort my pictures instead of just taking a million of them and uploading them to my computer.

Anyway, I also got some booze. A bottle of white wine, red wine, and some Absolute Peach Vodka. Yumm. Might need to get a game or two. It will be a potluck, so food is taken care of. I just bought some chips and juices to mix drinks with. Man, the party planning takes work!

This is should be fun. Now I need to come up with a cool playlist. Can't have people listening to my Celine Dion and Sarah McLachlan collection, now can we?

I have a date tomorrow night with the Nurse. We've gone out a few times and though I don't sense any chemistry, I like hanging out with him, so I'll just go with that. We're going rock climbing. Should be fun. I get to stare at his ass when he's up at the top, and he gets to stare at mine. It's a win-win situation ;)

Now to clean up! I have these 2 songs on repeat as I clean. Enjoy!

Boy Friends

My two closest girl friends, are - well, girls. But, most of my friends are guys. Sometimes, I feel like it's just easier to have guy friends. No doubt, there was an abundance of them when I was studying engineering in university.

I know boys are strange creatures, and I still have no clue how they function. I really am probably the biggest dunce when it comes to knowing if someone is showing interest in me, or not. The guy probably has to write it out in permanent markers, capital letters, with some flashing neon lights, before I know even ask my friends, "So, you think he kinda likes me?"

Where my friends would reply in chorus, "No shit, Shirlock."

Maybe it's because I was never used to getting attention throughout elementary school or most of high school. I guess I don't like to assume things, because I'm afraid that I would be disappointed, somehow. I don't even really get my hopes up.

I even have trouble figuring out if I really like a guy or not. Or is it that I just find him a really nice guy who I am attracted to. Is this weird? Or I feel like I should like someone because they are just the sweetest guy. And I don't.

People my age are getting married. Having kids. And not that I want to be in that boat. I don't even want to dive into a relationship. I just would like to have more of a clue of my taste. What kind of guy I would like.

I find that I like hanging out with the guys. I like it when I feel they are being extra nice, or paying more attention to me. I like just joking around and teasing them. But, after that, I don't know what I want.

I know that a part of me is also afraid of ending up like my parents. I know they love each other, but sometimes I question it. When they fight. When they fight often, over silly things.

I feel like, in building our family, they lost themselves. They come home from work, and cook, and take care of us (when we were little), and now that they don't have that, it's like they don't know what to do. It's like they stayed together for my sisters and I, mainly.

They put up with each other in-laws, they kept things inside when they should have talked about it, for the duration of their 30-year marriage. Now I wonder if they can ever even talk about it. Does there come a point when you keep so many things pent up that it's too much to go through? I don't ever want to be in that situation. It scares the hell out of me. I would rather be alone, then lonely in a relationship.

The Fighting

Amidst the partying (more than I've done in a really long time), this weekend. The thing that stood out for me was when my parents came to visit me yesterday. It wasn't a good visit.

My mom had to get her cavities fixed downtown, and they came up to see me after that. We have been discussing the possibility of my getting a car, recently. However, with the economy up in the air, financing a car is a huge burden. So my parents decided that I can take my dad's car (Toyota Corolla 2003) and my dad would take my mom's minivan, and then my mom would car pool with a co-worker to work.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

My dad has no patience.

My mom needs to convince everyone that she's right.

They are both as stubborn as hell.

It was so simple. And yet, so difficult.

My dad just cut my mom off as she was explaining something. Then, my mom kept explaining, and asked why my dad was being so rude. Then kept explaining. Pretty much my dad flew into a rage. They were both yelling at each other. Telling each other to stop talking. Yelling at each other.

I told both my parents to stop talking. To not say anything. I brought my mom to my room, and sat my dad on the couch. Pleading with them to stop yelling. They were both so angry. Angry at something that was so stupid and insignificant.

Sometimes these fights happen when I go home. I don't know what to say in these situations. I feel like a little kid, watching their parents fight. Helpless in the situation. I still feel helpless in the situation. I feel scared.

I feel like my parents keep so much inside. That some day, it might explode. They can't talk about their problems because it seems to always get out of hand when they try to. And it's not the problem they are talking about, its about all the stupid little things that are at the outskirts of the problem. Someone is always trying to prove the other one wrong.

It scares me because I don't want to end up like this. I don't want to see my parents like this. I understand that couples fight, but ... this is too much. I don't know what to do. If there is something I can do. I don't know.

Dehli to Dublin

I went to their concert in Toronto last night. I'm exhausted this morning and have no idea how I dragged myself out of bed.

They are a fusion of Bhangara (Indian / Bollywood) music and Celtic (Irish) music. I know it sounds a little weird, but I like how it sounds. The Violin really compliments the drums and vocals really well. Check out their website here.



Above is a clip of their performance at Parliament hill on Canada Day. Enjoy!

My Christmas Ball Date

So, yesterday, I'm out with my friends heading out to our volleyball game. I used to work with a bunch of them from my previous co-op term, and we still play sports together. Volleyball and soccer.

At my old work place, the Christmas party was less formal. People dressed up -- but not too much. No evening gowns. Maybe a sparkly shirt or something. The best part was, it was just for the people at the company. No guests.

For a single gal, like me, this is awesome! Nothing to worry about.

At my new company, we have this fancy Christmas ball. Yes, that's right. A ball.

I like to dress up. I like free delicious food. I don't like it when I don't have a date. So here was my dilemma. My two close guy friends from university had moved away. To the other side of the country. And I don't want to make anyone feel obligated or feel sorry for me and accompany me.

So I asked my sister. Turns out she has exams to study for. Drats.

So, I was telling my friend, N. about it. Kinda complaining to her that I had no date to this fancy ball, and it sucked. Then, one of the guys walking ahead overheard, and volunteered to be my date. Let's call him, Sporty.

Sporty turns around, and puts his arms around my shoulders.

Sporty: Don't worry, Des. I can be your date.

me: Huh? Really?

Sporty: Yes. I've always wanted to go to a fancy ball.

me: Ummm. Sure.

Then, somehow the topic was changed.

I wasn't sure if Sporty really meant it. So after our volleyball game, I asked him if he was serious.

me: So, you're serious about the ball?

Sporty: Of course, I am.

me: So, you're free on the 29th of November?

Sporty: I will make it free.

me: Great. That's awesome!

Sporty: So what colour is your dress?

me: Umm. Not sure yet. What colours are your shirts?

Sporty: I can always get a tie or another shirt to match your dress.

my internal monologue: For real!? Yes!!

So, Sporty and I play soccer and volleyball together. I think he's cute. I don't really know him that well. We hang out cuz we're in the same group of friends and he works with my friends. I know I shouldn't make it more than it is, which is that he's just coming with as a friend. But, I just can't help how I feel, and it is a little jittery and happy.

So today, there were a few emails going back and forth about entree choices and what I would like him to wear. I told him I had a total of about 3 dresses that I had in mind. Two were the Hong Kong style dresses, and one was an Ao Dai (Vietnamese styled pants suit). He said he really liked the Asian styled dresses, they are "refreshing."

Sporty: Would you like me to wear a dark shirt with a light tie? Or a white shirt and coloured tie?

me: The latter.

I offered to help him out with shopping for the tie, if need be. I said that my engineering guy friends usually didn't like shopping, and I didn't want to be too much trouble.

Sporty: I would for sure love some help picking out the tie. I find a female's touch is almost always needed. I am in computer science so I should hate shopping even more since I am a big computer nerd.

Is this flirty? Or no? I'm just going to assume the latter, and enjoy my date.

To recap: I have a date for the Christmas ball. And he's nice. And cute. Tall. And he's going to match me! I'm in a better mood from this weekend, already. And that is why I need to get out more.

The Real Reason

I know I talked about all the reasons why I didn't like Haagan Daz, anymore. But the real reason we broke up is because I don't think I can care about him, the way that I want to. I'm still heart broken over Almond.

I feel like I don't even know where my heart is. I feel so lost. And I feel like a pathetic idiot for still being hung up on Almond.

I'm not going to lie. I'm still hung up on him. And I hate it. Hate it.

I've been running away from my feelings with activities and dates. At the end of the day, I still feel the same way, and it's frustrating.

As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I've given him my heart. All of it. And he's broken it. But he still has his heart. He can give it to whomever he pleases, and I can't even find the pieces to mine.

This sucks.

Same Mistake

So, it's a Friday night and I'm up thinking. Thinking nostalgic thoughts. Getting a little emotional. After watching P.S. I Love You, this song is on repeat.



Lately, I've been a bit emotional. It's hard to say why, I just kinda feel like I'm in rut, and I want to get out of it. I guess, the emotional roller coaster is somewhat warranted. A lot of things have happened in the last few months. Recapping:

And I feel a bit overwhelmed. I feel a bit lost in life. I miss my friends. I miss university life. I'm scared because I'm not sure if I'm ready for "real" life to start, yet. I'm scared because I'm afraid that I won't ever love again.

After Almond and I broke up, I tried to fill every spare minute with stuff. With things to do to take my mind off of thinking about him. I was successful for the most part. I played volleyball. Dodgeball. Soccer. Took up yoga. Salsa dancing. Swimming. Running. Even tried rock climbing. Went out partying. Spent some much needed girl time with my sisters and friends. It was great.

After I moved somewhat out of the city, it has been significantly more difficult to get around via public transit. I've been spending more time at home. I go to work, come back home, cook (sometimes), sleep. And repeat. And repeat.

All this time alone. This time alone that I have worked so hard to avoid since the break up is hitting me really hard. I guess when we broke, after my initial sadness, I wanted to move on. I felt that if I spent too much time dwelling on the past, I was being weak. That he didn't deserve the time I spent thinking about him. But now, that I've been home quite a bit, I've been dwelling. Thinking. And I just feel sad. Almost empty inside.

I feel like I've given him all my love, and I have none left. I feel as though he broke my heart, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do.

When I saw the trailer for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, there was a part that really stuck with me. The part when Alexis Bledel finds out that the man she loved had lied to her about marrying some girl. And then her friend asks her, "So what? He's not married. Why can't you just forget about him, and follow your heart?"

Then Alexis says, "Because! He broke my heart!"



That's how I feel now. Still. After almost 2 years. I feel like my heart is still broken.

It's frustrating. Why am I not over by now? Why do I still feel angry when I think how he just left. After 5 years, he just left me. And he wanted me to fight for him. Because that would've showed him that I cared. Why? I loved him. And he left me. He broke my heart. And it's still broken. Why can't I fix it?

Even though, at the time, it was good to keep myself occupied with activities. Lots of activities. And many that I have grown to love. I think I also need to give myself some "me" time. It has been exhausting trying to run away from my emotions. At the same time, I'm not sure how to face them. I just know I need some time to let myself feel hurt. To feel sad. Even though that was the very thing I was running away from. Maybe you can't just skip all the sad part.

Having said that. I still want to stay active, but maybe, in a healthy way -- instead of just running away from my emotions. I think that I would like more of a mix of what I would to stay involved in.

So after a few months of working, I am having positive cash flow. I have been thinking of buying a car. I will need it for work, but, I think it will definitely help me get around. I'm thinking of doing some volunteering, and am now in the process of looking into organizations I would like to be involved in, in addition to some sports.

I will still be sad about Almond. A part of me just can't help it. But I won't pretend to not be sad. He was really special to me. And I really cared about him. But I need to move on. How... I'm not sure, yet. But I'm beginning to think that I can figure this out.

I guess it's like what James Blunt's song says. I don't want a second chance. I will just make the same mistake again. Maybe Almond was my mistake. But if I had to do it all over, again. I would. Without him, I wouldn't have known love. Without him, I wouldn't have known heartbreak. But without heartbreak, I might not have known love.

Maybe one day, we will talk again. Instead of just speaking, but not now. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But maybe, one day. Right now, I'm still hurting. I guess it's okay to hurt. Even if it's for a long time.

A Confession

Below is a confession that I haven't told anyone yet. Not the entire story, anyway. I feel a bit embarrassed, and a little ashamed about it. I also feel a little surprised I did it, and in a weird way, empowered.

When my friend and I stopped in Berlin during our grad trip, we stayed at a hostel. We were usually really sleepy and tired, and went to bed early and got up late. Our room was shared with about 8 other strangers. A few Mexicans, a couple Russians, a Croatian (that's all that I can recall).

One night, we decided to take our new friends up on their offer, and we head out to a bar together -- my friend and I, the Croatian and the Russian.

The Croatian is drunk, and his Russian friend is very quiet. Both cute. The Croatian reminded me of the new James Bond, just younger and not as built. I'm not sure who the Russian reminded me of. He was a little short, but he liked to dance -- which is something that I always like. So we dance in the bar to the 80's karaoke mix of love songs and such. It was fun.

After a few drinks, we are all a little more happy than we were before. We head back to our hostel. A little weird that we're all crashing in the same room, but that's what traveling is about right? New experiences.

I wash off my make up, change into my PJ's and climb into the top bunk, ready to pass out.

Russian asks me if I want to sleep with him -- in his broken English and mix of hand signals.

Russian: Can I sleep with you?

me: Huh??

Russian: Just sleeping. Only sleeping. Can I join you?

me: NO!

Internal monologue: How drunk does this guy think I am? And in a roomful of people?? Is this how they roll in Russia?

Russian: Just sleeping. No touching. No sex.

I ponder this for a second and a stream of thoughts kinda hit me. Mainly my loneliness for the past year. How it's been so long since I had been close with a guy. To have him hold me. Kiss me. Touch me. It would be nice to be held. Besides, he can't really try anything in a room of 10 people. Not to mention that Croatian had already made himself at home in my friend's bed.

me: No sex. Just sleeping.

Russian nods.

Russian: No sex. I'll be good.

me: OK.

Russian is very happy and then goes to take a shower. He comes back and climbs into bed. I have to admit, it felt really nice to be held. To be caressed. To be kissed. I liked the smell of him cleaned up. I even liked the hint of smoke and liquor when we kissed. But he was a good boy, and we did just go to sleep after a bit.

I didn't end up sleeping much. A part of me questioned what I was doing. A part of me just felt really lonely. A part of me realized that sex means something to me. Even a kiss means something to me. A part of me wished that they didn't. A part of me was glad they did.

Girl Talk

I love them.

Last weekend, my girl friend, B. and I got together for dinner. We both kinda had "break ups" recently and we had some much needed girl talk.

B. and I met when we were both in Singapore and have been pretty much traveling with each other ever since. It's funny, sometimes, you'd think that when you are half way around the world, your mind would be there, too. And the truth is, that my mind isn't.

I can be half way around the world, I could be on the moon, and the same things would most likely be on my mind. I can't escape it. Sometimes, I wish that I can.

B. probably saw me at my most bitter stage of getting over Almond. It was January of 2007 and we had broken up not too long ago. Then, it seemed like we broke up again, in June 2007 -- even though it was just a horrible meeting up.

And now it's almost the end of 2008.

I've had a few tries at the dating pool. Mostly with really nice, sweet guys. Though none that I can really picture myself dating long term. There's always something that just doesn't feel quite right. And I would rather be lonely and single, than lonely and in a relationship.

After my break up with Haagan Daz, B. was worried about me. She's a sweet girl, and she told me that she was afraid that I might become one of those people who have too many experiences and none of them feel special anymore. And she was afraid that was what happened with Haagan Daz.

She also said that I still seemed angry at Almond and encouraged me to forgive him. The truth is, I really tried. I'm not a hateful person, or one to hold grudges. However, when it comes to him, I still feel angry when I think of what happened. I feel hurt, all over again. And I wish it would just go away. I wish that I could just let it go. But I don't know what's stopping me.

I didn't want to get all teary eyed during our talk but, the truth is that Almond broke my heart. As simple and cliche as it sounds, its the truth. He broke it. And I'm not sure if it's back together, yet. And I'm not sure if it ever will be. That's the part the scares me. How could someone have such a big impact on me? I feel like I should've moved on by now, and I don't think I have.

In another emotional girl chat with my sister, I told her of my fear of even starting to feel that way about someone.

me: I'm afraid that I won't let myself fall in love, even if I'm staring that person in the face, cuz I'll be afraid to get hurt.

sis: You were hurting from you first love, but you got through it. We were there to support you last time. Me, baby sis, your friends, B. and J. And if you have to go through it again, we'll be right there. With ice cream and reruns of SATC. So, you see, you don't have to be afraid of taking a chance when the right guy comes along. Nothing to be afraid of.

And I realize that she's right.

When the right guy comes along, I want to be able to love whole heartedly, because that's just how I'm built. But if it doesn't work out, I know I'll be OK.

Everyone needs a girl chat. I'm glad I have such great girls to have them with.

Secret Garden

Fighting It

I read this article the other week about how we fight things. Instead of embracing whatever happens, we are used to fighting things. The article instructed us to say, "I wanted it to happen," to everything that happened to us for one day. If it was raining, and we were caught in it, "we wanted it to happen." Your boyfriend of 5 years just broke up with you, "you wanted it to happen." You got fired today, "You wanted it to happen." You get it.

Silly? Well, the point of this exercise was to see how many things we didn't want to happen. How many things we "fight" a day, instead of just embracing it. It was indeed, very interesting, though simple it may be.

So, I've been a emotional lately. You could probably tell from this post. And this post.

One of the things that I've been thinking about was how much I've been fighting with myself on my feelings and thoughts towards Almond. I guess, after our break up, I just really wanted to move on. I wanted to skip the sad parts. Somehow I felt as though, if I spent time being sad, I was weaker. And so, I threw myself into activities, and clubs and going out.

And to be honest, I don't regret that at all. I've become a better person because of it, and I am thankful that I hadn't huddled in my room eating ice cream for a few months. But, in that process, I also didn't let myself be sad and mourn the relationship that was over. Don't get me wrong, I was sad, but maybe, I didn't let myself feel the full extent of my sadness because I was afraid of what that would be admitting to myself. If that makes any sense.

The other day. I was talking to my sister about my break up with Almond, and my break up with Haagan Daz. In my break up with Almond, I always thought that I would be better off if he had just explained things to me. I deserved it. So when things weren't working out between myself and H.G., I explained to him why. I thought I was doing him a favour.

At the end of our conversation, he asked me one question that I couldn't answer.

H.G.: Why don't you sound sad?

me: Ummm. I don't know.

I think I know the answer now. It's cuz I just wasn't that sad. We hadn't been dating that long. I didn't feel like I had really lost anything. I just didn't want to hurt him. And I thought by explaining myself, I would hurt him less.

Wrong.

There is no good way of breaking up. Explanation or none.

And so I go back to Almond. Even though I know he didn't give me any explanation, I knew that it hurt him. In fact, I knew that it probably hurt him more than anything else. And in a way, that makes it better.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about our good times, and our bad times. I've come to the conclusion that our relationship died. It's not him. It's not me. The "us" part died. For many reasons, and no one is to blame. I'm sad, because I realize that there aren't that many people who will have as big of an impact on my life, as Almond did. There aren't that many people who will ever know me that deeply. There aren't that many people that I can connect with on that level. In the end, I lost a friendship, a kindred spirit. That is the saddest part of all. I think that was the hardest part to realize.

And its only after all the anger has passed, all the confusion has passed, all the hurt that has passed that I realize this. But I'm glad that I have. Because by realizing it, I think I can really move on. I can be happy -- truly happy -- for the future that beholds both of us.

I looked him up on FB. Of course, he has his profile on public. But when I saw him with his new GF, I didn't scrutinize her. I was actually happy that he looked so happy with her. (Ok... maybe I did question if she was more attractive. Just a little. I'm only human. ) Honestly, I'm glad the guy was happy. I missed that smile.