Are You For Real?!

Seriously?! SERIOUSLY??!!

Wow. I. Am. Speechless.

When I first saw this, I thought it was a joke.

I guess money can really buy you anything.

Note: I know. I know. I'm a little behind. I don't really watch TV. I just found this out last week. But, seriously.

What does it feel like?

Sometimes, I forget what it feels like to be in love. To love someone. In that romantic , your-heart-skips-a-beat kind of way.

I was having a talk with my little sister this weekend. I was telling her that I had to end it with the guy I was currently seeing. I didn't really like him that much.

In a way, I thought this was sad. I went from loving one man for almost 5 years of my life, to barely able to like someone for more than a couple months. I know it's not as simple as that, but sometimes I ask myself, "What happened? What does it feel like to be in love, again?"

My sister is 19, and she's never had a serious relationship, yet. She is a smart, independent and very attractive girl. She gets a lot of attention from the guys, and yet, she hasn't been able to find one who she wants to have a relationship with. There's the liking stage, but then as she gets to know the guy, she realizes that there are traits that just annoy her, or that she finds unattractive. She asked me if there was something wrong with that.

I said, no. I felt the same way. And sometimes, I'm scared that I won't be able to feel that way, again. To love someone, and to feel loved.

She asked what it felt like when I was in a relationship with Almond. She knew that we loved each other, and wondered if there was a way I could describe it to her.

It was a little difficult for me to relive those memories. Those memories which made me so happy.

I remember that I was always happy around him. I couldn't wait unti I saw him next. It didn't matter if we were just hanging out or going on a trip. I just loved being with him.

I loved talking to him. Hearing him tell me about his day. I loved watching movies and falling asleep in his arms.

I loved the way he stroked my hair when I was sleeping (well, almost sleeping). I loved the way he kissed my forehead in the mornings. I loved the way he looked at me and told me I was the most beautiful woman told me I was perfect.

I loved reading his cards. I still have every one. And the letter he wrote me when he first went away to college.

I fit in with his friends, and was pretty close to his best friend, from high school, y-lo. Even though, y-lo always teased me. One thing he said to me, kind of stuck with me.

Almond and I were on our way to a ski weekend. Y-lo lent us his car (yay!). This was the first vacation / getaway that Almond and I had in all our years of dating. We were both excited, even though he had a big report due the day he came back.

y-lo: Hey, Des. Make sure that when you guys are driving, Almond is paying attention to the roads. It's dark and it might be icy in parts.

me: Yea, don't worry.

y-lo: I'm serious.

me: Ok, Mr. Worry-wart. Don't worry.

y-lo: I'm serious. Because whenever Almond is around you., he just stops paying attention to everything else.

me: Oh. Ummm. We'll be careful. [pause] Thanks y-lo.

I remember that when I used to work at an amusement park, sometimes Almond would come pick me up. He'd drive for almost 40 minutes, pick me up, then drop me at home.

I remember when Almond used to walk me home after school. We used to stand at the corner and talk. About anything, and everything. Then one day, he suggested that he walk me home, instead of standing and talking.

And so, that's what he did. Even though I lived about 15 minutes in the opposite direction. He walked me home - for the rest of the school year, until he graduated and went to university.

Even in university, we were happy. We lived to together for a short while. It never even occured to us, or to our friends, that we would ever break up. We were just always so happy. Holding hands, smiling, joking, teasing -- we were around one another.

Then I remember the bad times. When we would fight. When he would keep things inside. And never let me in.

Sometimes, I just had no idea what was going on in that mind of his.

Almond and I hardly ever had big fights. He doesn't like to raise his voice. He would rather keep it inside. I would try to get things out. And when I thought I had succeeded and getting out what it was that was bothering him, and I thought we had worked through it. Only to realize that he still kept things inside, and they were still bothering him.

I felt like he had a box. And it was where we would put my mistakes, or the times that I hurt him. Of course, I never meant to hurt him, but I am only human. And I make mistakes. But I felt like he doesn't let these things go -- that my mistakes go into this "box." I could tell when the "box" was getting full. And I didn't know what to do.

That was near the end of our relationship. I wanted him to tell me what was bothering him. I didn't realize that he had kept so many things inside. Until one day, we were talking his car. He wanted to go to California for his career. I wanted to be encouraging. I really did. But not once, did he mention anything about us. When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I asked him.

me: Almond, I do want to support you in your decision to go to Silicon Valley if that is your dream, but what about us? You didn't even mention "us" , or ask me what I thought.

Almond: Well, you can come with me.

me: But all my friends and family are here. Don't you want to ask if I want to come with you?

Almond: I put my dreams aside for you, once. I don't want to do it, again.

me: What?? What are you talking about?

Almond: Two years ago. When y-lo went to Japan. I wanted to go. And I asked you, if you wanted me to go. And you said, "no." So, I didn't go. Going to Japan has been a dream of mine, and I didn't go because you didn't want me to. I don't want to put aside another dream for you.

For 2 years, he kept that inside. I had apologized, but he had asked me how I felt. And I was honest. But, now, 2 years later, it resurfaces. And I had no idea he felt like this the entire time -- somewhere in the back of his mind.

I remember a couple months after we broke up, we had met up again. Almond had wanted to get back together and I thought it best we didn't, since I was going to Singapore -- and it would've been for the wrong reasons. My heart wanted to get back together, but my head told me otherwise.

When I told my friend, J. She said this,

J: Des, even though you tell me all these great things about him. Even though I know you really loved each other. When I think of you and him, I can't help but think back to that day after you guys broke up. You came to school. Then you went to cry in the washroom. All I can picture now, when you talk about him, is you crying in the washroom.

You can't unknow what you know. You can't unfeel how you felt.

I think of all the good times with Almond, and I ask myself, "Would there have been a way for us to work it out." Then, I think of all the hurt, and I wonder why in the world I should forgive him. But I want to. I want to forgive him.

I have yet to find someone who could make me laugh the way he did. Someone who I could have conversations with about anything, and everything. Someone who could make me feel the way he did. Someone who I admired as much as I did him. Someone who I could be excited to share a life together, like I felt with him.

And it scares me. This confusion that I still feel. Would I ever love, again? I want to. But, I'm not going to lie to myself. I haven't felt "love" in a while. Will I ever feel it, again? I want to. I really do. But a part of me, that has known hurt, knows that next time, it won't be the same.

I Think Too Much

Honestly, I do. I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. That’s why I need this blog. I need to get it out.

Sorry I haven’t replied to your comments. I love reading what you guys have to say! I haven’t had internet at home since I moved (again) in September, and these blogs were posted when I was at work. I didn’t want to check my URL at work. Just in case.

My random thoughts:

1) Marriage.

My friend from high school is getting married. She is my age – 24. They are bought a house together. It feels surreal.

I know. She’s getting married. Not me.

How can I voice it that I think she is doing it for the wrong reasons. I feel like I’m more stressed out about it than her. If that is possible.

I’m afraid that she is getting married for the wrong reasons, and will end up unhappy.

Why do I keep saying it’s for the wrong reason? I know, it’s not my place to judge, and everyone is different. This is why.

Her parents want her to get married. To someone who is of her religion – she is Sikh.

She was in a couple of serious relationships. Then, she decided that she would give up on them, and just let her parents choose someone for her, because this dating thing wasn’t working out.

The first guy, I didn’t like. He was very possessive, and for some reason, she felt like she had to lie to him about her education. Long story. Basically, they were engaged, and then they called it off.

The second guy, she didn’t even tell me about until a year or so into their dating. Then last Christmas, when we met for lunch, she told me of her dilemma. The guy’s family wanted him to have an arranged marriage, and did not want to accept her.

The way I saw it, was that the guy did not have the guts to stand up for the woman he cared about. He didn’t want to break it off with my friend, but also did not want to “hurt” his family. Aside: I’m not sure how a marriage could hurt your family. I would think that your family would be happy for you if you were happy, no?

My friend gave him an ultimatum after about 3 years into it, and said that if he did not stand up to his family about her, she would have to break it off, and just get an arranged marriage. And that is what she did.

This April, my friend calls me on my birthday and tells me of the news. I know I should be happy for her, but I just feel scared.

She seems fine with it. She said she likes him enough. Though, I’m not sure what “enough” is. She said this way, she gets to know him for a few years, and then have kids when she’s about 27. Seriously. What am I supposed to say in response?

I guess why I think about it so much, is because I always reflect other peoples’ lives onto my own. Will this be what I am going to resort to? God, I hope not. I still think that marriage should be romantic. With someone that you just can’t get enough of. Whom you love more than anyone else. Whom you’re just happy being around.

Or am I just naïve in thinking that that exists?

2) Almond.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Not in a bad way. Just thinking of how things were. How things changed so much. Wondering how his life is now. Thinking that he set the bar a little too high for me in the relationships department. Wondering if I will ever meet someone who could make me feel as happy and as special as he made me feel.

I’ve been thinking of writing him a letter. No so much as in sending it to him, but what I would write if I were to write him a letter. That’s for another post. You’ll see what I mean.
In the meantime, I should get back to work.

Wish me luck at the wedding. I hope there is good food. And my sari is loose enough that I can eat all the good food.

Oh! And I hope I meet some hot, brown dude there.

Food, and hot guys. I’m not asking for much, right?

Excitement is OVER.

You know when you first meet someone, or when you meet the right someone. You're in what I like to call " La La Land." Sometimes its for a short amount of time, and others, it's for a longer amount of time.

When I was with Almond, it was for a long time. My friends thought that I didn't even notice other hot guys. Which I did. But it just didn't matter. When I liked "Gelato" (more on him later), I was in La La Land, too. But with Haagan Daz, I'm afraid it has died. And it's been less than 3 months.

Now, I know that it's not supposed to feel the way it felt when I was with Almond. A naive, high school giddy girl. Now it's different. I know what it's like to be hurt and I am more protective of my heart. But I believe I am still supposed to be in La La Land.

I guess I just got over the initial excitment with Haagan Daz and when I got to know more of him, he just didn't seem that attractive a person.

A couple things triggered this. Partly because I was on PMS. Partly because I'm seeing his true colours that I might have not noticed when I was too busy being excited.

Last weekend, I stayed with my parents on Sunday night because it would've been too late to take public transportation to my apartment. So I had to make the 2hr commute (gross!) to work on Monday instead of my usual (15 - 30 minutes). Since I told Haagan Daz, I would give him a call, I did.

me: So, I figured that I'll just stay over at my parents' place. It's late.

H.G.: Oh, really? Well, I could've come and picked you up at the subway and drove you home. I don't have to get up early.

me: Oh, really? [thinks about it] No, that would be pretty far for you to drive. I'm just going to stay here, but thanks for offering.

H.G.: Oh. Well. I wasn't really going to drive you. I just figured I'd offer. It is pretty far.

me: Oh. Okay.

my internal monologue: So, why exactly is he telling me this? Awkward.

Same thing happened on Friday when I was working downtown and we were getting together afterwards.

Why does he tell me that he didn't really mean the offer? Like he has to make that clear to me, or something.

We talked on the phone a couple times during the week. I got bored. Caught myself reading, "Bitter is the New Black" by Jen Lancaster. Then put it down. Then nearly fell asleep hearing him talk.

Then, I noticed things that just bugged me.

Like how he answers the phone with , "Yeeeeeeeellllowww."

I asked him about that later. He told me he gets it from Homer Simpson. Nice.

Then on Friday, I just noticed that we don't have that much in common. We don't have the same sense of humour. Stuff that he finds funny, I just find awkward.

For instance, we're cooking tacos. He's browning the ground beef. Then he starts "mooo-ing". Like a cow.

After the first mooo,

me: So, you're moo-ing like a cow.

H.G.: Moooooo. [again]

After the first moo, he moo's again. For added effect, I suppose. Does anyone find that funny? I just thought it was him trying to be funny, but it was just awkward. Or was it just PMS?

Now, the last bit.

Haagan Daz has an anxiety disorder, where he gets really really nervous when meeting new people. He feels sick, literally. He told me about it, and I did appreciate his honesty. But then he talks about it. A lot.

We were supposed to go up for a Dragonboat festival on Saturday, and he was going to meet my friends. I wanted to see my friends' inputs and see how he interacted with other people. Needless to say, he was really nervous. Then, he told me this. Which, I just thought was disgusting. Disgusting. Not funny. At all.

H.G.: I get really nervous, and I don't want to throw up all over your friends. Like, this. [pretend handshake with the air] Hi, I'm Haagan Daz and its nice to meet you BLUUUURRRRRPPP [makes a throw up noise and accompany gestures]

I cringe.

He continues.

H.G.: And hi, so-and-so. I'm BLLLLLLUUUURRRRRPPPPPPP. [throw up noise and gestures]

Honestly. Excitement is over. So. Over.

Manis and Pedis

I have never had a manicure or pedicure before. Until last weekend. It was against my free will.

I know that it's supposed to be relaxing and fun.

Call my crazy, but I was feeling everything but relaxed. What could be relaxing when I see them use instruments to pick at my nooks and crannies that have been probably full of dirt with the same instruments they use on every other person who walks in?! For all I know, they could be putting those other people's crap back under my toe nails. Gross.

Or do I just watch too much CSI?

Never again. I can paint my own nails and draw my own flowers, thank you very much.

OK, maybe I can't draw my own flowers. I can live without flowers on my toes.

So, why did I get my nails professionally painted, you ask. And how was I forced into it?

Simple. My best friend from high school was getting married next Saturday and the official engagement ceremony was that night. My toes needed to look good.

I never thought that anyone would pay much attention to my toes. Until I was at the ceremony. Every lady had her toe nails pedicured. I was so glad my toes fit in.

I felt like I was in high school. When all the girls had the brand name shirts, and shoes. And I was in my baggy clothes because I didn't want to pay $45 for a dress shirt, when a $5 would do. I had to save for tuition, man.

Except, this time I felt like I sort of fit in. Only, it felt silly, that anyone would judge me by my toes. Doesn't it? But I'm pretty sure that they would have. Silly, I know. My insecurities. I'm working on it.

Oh. Speaking of her wedding. I get my life back after September 20th.

No more of conversations like this:

Des, make sure you're at my house next weekend.

Des, make sure you come to the official engagement ceremony.

Des, can you help out at the bridal shower.

Des, make sure you leave your Friday nights free. Just in case we decide to do something then. Yes, please cancel the plans you already made.

(OK, she didn't say the last sentence, but I think that was understood.)

Des, book next Thursday and Friday off from work. We need to do our Henna.

Des, it doesn't matter that you live about 2 hours away of commute via public transit. Or that you have to work the next day. Be here!

Like I said. I get my life back after September 20th.

After that, I am going to spend my whole weekend just the way I want to. Sleep. Sleep. Cook. Sleep. Sleep. Shop. Sleep. Sleep. Decorate. Sleep. Sleep. BLOG. (After I get my internet set up at my new place, that is. Wish me luck.)

Less than 2 weeks to go. Grin and bear it. Grin and bear it.

Friday at the Office

J.D.: You know there are Star War fans in the office when ...

Me: ... when your boss is pretending to be a Wookie.

2 Things that Happened at Work, Today

1) My boss and I broke into a church.

Me: I've never broken into a church, before.

My boss: Well, technically, we didn't break in. The back door was left open.

We were supposed to meet a priest at a job site. He wasn't there. Which leads us to occurence numero deux.

2) A priest lied to us.

My boss: Father, we were at the church at about a quarter after three today. We didn't see you.

Priest: I was there.

[My boss's inner monologue: Liar!!!]

...And this is what keeps my job interesting.

We went to the Zoo

Haagan Daz and I. Last last weekend. It was fun. We looked at the animals. I wanted to see the Coral Reefs exhibit, and he wanted to see the Spider Monkeys. (They were actually very cool. The only animals who weren't sleeping or just lazing around.)

In a conversation with my friend, J.

me: We went to the zoo last weekend.

j.: Oooo! The zoo. That's where couples who just first start dating go. How exciting!

Dating. Such a vague term.

So I've been "dating" for almost 2 years-ish. I think I need a post on le boys of 2007 and 2008.
So far, I've learned a lot. But I also have more questions.

Like now. So. I like Haagan Daz. He likes me. We've established that. After that, I don't know.

So, we've been dating for about a month now, maybe more. Dating -- as in going out. To the movies. To the beach. To the zoo. On walks. That kind of stuff.

He's cooked me dinner. Pasta, mind you. But it's the thought that counts, right?

We made out on my roommate's couch, last week. Actually, I don't even know if I understand what is included in the term "make out." Let's look it up on Wikipedia.

In human sexuality, making out is a sexual euphemism of American origin dating back to at least 1949. It covers a wide range of sexual behaviors, and means different things to different age groups in different parts of the U.S. It typically involves kissing, including prolonged, passionate kissing (also known as French kissing), intimate contact, including heavy petting-that is, skin-to-skin contact, or other forms of foreplay. Making out is usually considered an expression of affection or sexual attraction to a current or prospective sexual partner. An episode of making out is frequently referred to as a make-out session.

Hmmm. That's vague, too. But that pretty much encompasses what we did. Minus the heavy petting.

The first time we met was at beach volleyball court where his friends and my roommate frequents. So they've seen me before. All sweaty and sandy. So they know about me -- his two close buddies.

He's told his mom about me. He's told his brother and sister-in-law about me. I told him I told my friends and sisters about him. But not my parents. Asian parents can be messy.

We talked about taking the next step. About being a couple. And here come my diarrhea of confusion and random thoughts.

I am not as young or as foolish as I was when I fell for Almond. Where I pictured us living happily ever after, before I decided to take the next step and be his girlfriend. Now, I am just thinking of taking it one step at a time. If I like him, I'll continue seeing him. See below a conversation I had with my girlfriend, J. this weekend about my confusion.

me: So, I like him. What I know of him so far, anyway. I know it's not supposed to feel the same as I did with Almond. And it doesn't. I just feel like I like him. And that's it. I'm not thinking too far into the future. I just like how things are going now. Is there anything wrong with that?

j: Yea. You're not young and foolish, anymore. That's OK. That's good. That's dating.

me: How do I know if I want to me be his girlfriend? I mean, I thought that after a week or so, the idea might make more sense, or sink in. Is that what I want? How do I know what I want?

j: How does it feel?

me: It feels nice. But I also feel like I'm not letting myself go. Too much, anyway. Just a little bit at a time. I feel like I keep catching myself, and preventing myself from falling. Like it's an instinct. Whereas with Almond, I let myself fall.

j: Well, you know what it's like to get hurt, right? You protect yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

me: I feel like I've been single for so long. And finally, I find someone I'm actually looking forward to seeing, and getting to know. It's a weird feeling. I don't think I'm afraid of commitment.

j: Are you, though?

me: I don't know. I wasn't before.

j: But now is now. Are you afraid of it now?

me: I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe I'm afraid to get hurt.

I think that is the bottom line. I'm afraid to get hurt. He's a little different than the guys I've dated. When I say "dated" I mean, went out with a casually. When I say "went out casually" I mean out for dinner, movies, hanging out, etc.

I haven't had anything serious since Almond. I haven't felt any attraction to the guy's I've been out with. I haven't even wanted the guy to kiss me. With the exception of Gelato -- whom we'll discuss later (but he's old news, anyway.) Am I feeling confused because I feel an attraction to Haagan Daz? Or is because he's different in a lot of ways than the guys I'm used to dating.

For one thing, he does not worship Star Wars. Or computer games. Thank god. He's also not an engineer. Believe it or not, kids, I've been only dating engineers. And one nurse -- whom I believed was gay. More on him later.

Things that have been on my mind (not exactly problems per se, just stuff):

Haagan Daz went to college instead of university -- he's a machinist. He's really tall - basically 6' -- I am 5'3". We may or may not hang out in different social crowds -- not sure, yet, since I haven't met his friends and vice versa. He works nights, sometimes. When he gets nervous, he can't stomach food.

He also has a list of foods he doesn't like (side note: I'm a big foodie, and had hoped to find a guy who would love to try different cuisines with me. Almond was a picky eater, too.)

Things that I like about Haagan Daz:

He's been very open and honest with me. Whether it be about his past, or current issues he is dealing with. We talk and talk about anything.

I feel very comfortable around him, and I look forward hanging out with him. Whether it be going out, or just staying in.

He's cute. And tall. And funny. He treats me like a lady, is quasi romantic.


That's it for now. Back to work!