Monday, October 13, 2008

A Confession

Below is a confession that I haven't told anyone yet. Not the entire story, anyway. I feel a bit embarrassed, and a little ashamed about it. I also feel a little surprised I did it, and in a weird way, empowered.

When my friend and I stopped in Berlin during our grad trip, we stayed at a hostel. We were usually really sleepy and tired, and went to bed early and got up late. Our room was shared with about 8 other strangers. A few Mexicans, a couple Russians, a Croatian (that's all that I can recall).

One night, we decided to take our new friends up on their offer, and we head out to a bar together -- my friend and I, the Croatian and the Russian.

The Croatian is drunk, and his Russian friend is very quiet. Both cute. The Croatian reminded me of the new James Bond, just younger and not as built. I'm not sure who the Russian reminded me of. He was a little short, but he liked to dance -- which is something that I always like. So we dance in the bar to the 80's karaoke mix of love songs and such. It was fun.

After a few drinks, we are all a little more happy than we were before. We head back to our hostel. A little weird that we're all crashing in the same room, but that's what traveling is about right? New experiences.

I wash off my make up, change into my PJ's and climb into the top bunk, ready to pass out.

Russian asks me if I want to sleep with him -- in his broken English and mix of hand signals.

Russian: Can I sleep with you?

me: Huh??

Russian: Just sleeping. Only sleeping. Can I join you?

me: NO!

Internal monologue: How drunk does this guy think I am? And in a roomful of people?? Is this how they roll in Russia?

Russian: Just sleeping. No touching. No sex.

I ponder this for a second and a stream of thoughts kinda hit me. Mainly my loneliness for the past year. How it's been so long since I had been close with a guy. To have him hold me. Kiss me. Touch me. It would be nice to be held. Besides, he can't really try anything in a room of 10 people. Not to mention that Croatian had already made himself at home in my friend's bed.

me: No sex. Just sleeping.

Russian nods.

Russian: No sex. I'll be good.

me: OK.

Russian is very happy and then goes to take a shower. He comes back and climbs into bed. I have to admit, it felt really nice to be held. To be caressed. To be kissed. I liked the smell of him cleaned up. I even liked the hint of smoke and liquor when we kissed. But he was a good boy, and we did just go to sleep after a bit.

I didn't end up sleeping much. A part of me questioned what I was doing. A part of me just felt really lonely. A part of me realized that sex means something to me. Even a kiss means something to me. A part of me wished that they didn't. A part of me was glad they did.


Miss Burb said...

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did and you def should not be embarassed. It's always nice to feel wanted and embraced, especially when there are no alterior motives.

You have a lot of self-restraint, though. many girls would have slept with him out of lonliness, even tho sex usually means so much more to women then men (maybe not in different countries?) for me, I did the boyfriend-hop thing and didn't let myself be alone. which I think is pretty important to discovering yourself

Miss Burb said...

I tagged you :)

Greears said...

You could frame this as a 'confession' or you could frame this as 'something I'll look forward to remembering when I am 70'.

As a 40 year old, I prefer the latter.

Des said...

Miss Burbs - Sometimes I wonder if I have too much self restraint. I find it's really hard to let myself go. Even to write this post took a lot -- and it's anonymous. Thanks for your insight. I'll be over to check out the tag!

Greears - Maybe I'll feel differently about it in the future. Or maybe, I'll just figure out how I feel about it. It does have a romantic ring to it, doesn't it? My night with the Russian. Thank you for your insight :)

Valley Girl said...

Nothin' wrong with a little spooning, darling.

Des said...

Valley girl - I guess not. It's not really in my nature to allow a guy into my bed (literally and figuratively), so it's been something that's on my mind. Figured I should let it out. It did feel nice, though :)