Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Fighting It

I read this article the other week about how we fight things. Instead of embracing whatever happens, we are used to fighting things. The article instructed us to say, "I wanted it to happen," to everything that happened to us for one day. If it was raining, and we were caught in it, "we wanted it to happen." Your boyfriend of 5 years just broke up with you, "you wanted it to happen." You got fired today, "You wanted it to happen." You get it.

Silly? Well, the point of this exercise was to see how many things we didn't want to happen. How many things we "fight" a day, instead of just embracing it. It was indeed, very interesting, though simple it may be.

So, I've been a emotional lately. You could probably tell from this post. And this post.

One of the things that I've been thinking about was how much I've been fighting with myself on my feelings and thoughts towards Almond. I guess, after our break up, I just really wanted to move on. I wanted to skip the sad parts. Somehow I felt as though, if I spent time being sad, I was weaker. And so, I threw myself into activities, and clubs and going out.

And to be honest, I don't regret that at all. I've become a better person because of it, and I am thankful that I hadn't huddled in my room eating ice cream for a few months. But, in that process, I also didn't let myself be sad and mourn the relationship that was over. Don't get me wrong, I was sad, but maybe, I didn't let myself feel the full extent of my sadness because I was afraid of what that would be admitting to myself. If that makes any sense.

The other day. I was talking to my sister about my break up with Almond, and my break up with Haagan Daz. In my break up with Almond, I always thought that I would be better off if he had just explained things to me. I deserved it. So when things weren't working out between myself and H.G., I explained to him why. I thought I was doing him a favour.

At the end of our conversation, he asked me one question that I couldn't answer.

H.G.: Why don't you sound sad?

me: Ummm. I don't know.

I think I know the answer now. It's cuz I just wasn't that sad. We hadn't been dating that long. I didn't feel like I had really lost anything. I just didn't want to hurt him. And I thought by explaining myself, I would hurt him less.


There is no good way of breaking up. Explanation or none.

And so I go back to Almond. Even though I know he didn't give me any explanation, I knew that it hurt him. In fact, I knew that it probably hurt him more than anything else. And in a way, that makes it better.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about our good times, and our bad times. I've come to the conclusion that our relationship died. It's not him. It's not me. The "us" part died. For many reasons, and no one is to blame. I'm sad, because I realize that there aren't that many people who will have as big of an impact on my life, as Almond did. There aren't that many people who will ever know me that deeply. There aren't that many people that I can connect with on that level. In the end, I lost a friendship, a kindred spirit. That is the saddest part of all. I think that was the hardest part to realize.

And its only after all the anger has passed, all the confusion has passed, all the hurt that has passed that I realize this. But I'm glad that I have. Because by realizing it, I think I can really move on. I can be happy -- truly happy -- for the future that beholds both of us.

I looked him up on FB. Of course, he has his profile on public. But when I saw him with his new GF, I didn't scrutinize her. I was actually happy that he looked so happy with her. (Ok... maybe I did question if she was more attractive. Just a little. I'm only human. ) Honestly, I'm glad the guy was happy. I missed that smile.

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