Saturday, October 18, 2008

Same Mistake

So, it's a Friday night and I'm up thinking. Thinking nostalgic thoughts. Getting a little emotional. After watching P.S. I Love You, this song is on repeat.

Lately, I've been a bit emotional. It's hard to say why, I just kinda feel like I'm in rut, and I want to get out of it. I guess, the emotional roller coaster is somewhat warranted. A lot of things have happened in the last few months. Recapping:
  • I am now a new grad.
  • I am working full time.
  • I am living on my own -- without roommates, though still renting
  • I just had my first "official" break up post Almond
And I feel a bit overwhelmed. I feel a bit lost in life. I miss my friends. I miss university life. I'm scared because I'm not sure if I'm ready for "real" life to start, yet. I'm scared because I'm afraid that I won't ever love again.

After Almond and I broke up, I tried to fill every spare minute with stuff. With things to do to take my mind off of thinking about him. I was successful for the most part. I played volleyball. Dodgeball. Soccer. Took up yoga. Salsa dancing. Swimming. Running. Even tried rock climbing. Went out partying. Spent some much needed girl time with my sisters and friends. It was great.

After I moved somewhat out of the city, it has been significantly more difficult to get around via public transit. I've been spending more time at home. I go to work, come back home, cook (sometimes), sleep. And repeat. And repeat.

All this time alone. This time alone that I have worked so hard to avoid since the break up is hitting me really hard. I guess when we broke, after my initial sadness, I wanted to move on. I felt that if I spent too much time dwelling on the past, I was being weak. That he didn't deserve the time I spent thinking about him. But now, that I've been home quite a bit, I've been dwelling. Thinking. And I just feel sad. Almost empty inside.

I feel like I've given him all my love, and I have none left. I feel as though he broke my heart, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do.

When I saw the trailer for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, there was a part that really stuck with me. The part when Alexis Bledel finds out that the man she loved had lied to her about marrying some girl. And then her friend asks her, "So what? He's not married. Why can't you just forget about him, and follow your heart?"

Then Alexis says, "Because! He broke my heart!"

That's how I feel now. Still. After almost 2 years. I feel like my heart is still broken.

It's frustrating. Why am I not over by now? Why do I still feel angry when I think how he just left. After 5 years, he just left me. And he wanted me to fight for him. Because that would've showed him that I cared. Why? I loved him. And he left me. He broke my heart. And it's still broken. Why can't I fix it?

Even though, at the time, it was good to keep myself occupied with activities. Lots of activities. And many that I have grown to love. I think I also need to give myself some "me" time. It has been exhausting trying to run away from my emotions. At the same time, I'm not sure how to face them. I just know I need some time to let myself feel hurt. To feel sad. Even though that was the very thing I was running away from. Maybe you can't just skip all the sad part.

Having said that. I still want to stay active, but maybe, in a healthy way -- instead of just running away from my emotions. I think that I would like more of a mix of what I would to stay involved in.

So after a few months of working, I am having positive cash flow. I have been thinking of buying a car. I will need it for work, but, I think it will definitely help me get around. I'm thinking of doing some volunteering, and am now in the process of looking into organizations I would like to be involved in, in addition to some sports.

I will still be sad about Almond. A part of me just can't help it. But I won't pretend to not be sad. He was really special to me. And I really cared about him. But I need to move on. How... I'm not sure, yet. But I'm beginning to think that I can figure this out.

I guess it's like what James Blunt's song says. I don't want a second chance. I will just make the same mistake again. Maybe Almond was my mistake. But if I had to do it all over, again. I would. Without him, I wouldn't have known love. Without him, I wouldn't have known heartbreak. But without heartbreak, I might not have known love.

Maybe one day, we will talk again. Instead of just speaking, but not now. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But maybe, one day. Right now, I'm still hurting. I guess it's okay to hurt. Even if it's for a long time.

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