Whatever... It matters.

I'm trying not to censor myself with this blog. I think it's hard for me. To some extent, I like to please people, like most of us. So here goes, with something that's been bothering me for the past little while.


Back track to when I was wee little, say about 13 years old. In a conversation with my dad, he asked me for my opinion, or what to do (about a topic which I don't recall).

Dad: Des, what would you like to do.
Des: I don't know dad. It doesn't really matter.

Pause.

Dad: Des, this is something that I wanted your opinion in.
Des: [shrugs] I really don't know, dad. It doesn't really matter.

I wasn't not trying to be one of those rebel teenagers who show no emotions or cares. It's just that it didn't really matter either way.

My dad takes a deep breath.

Dad: Des, you might not realize this, but by shrugging off my question you are disrespecting me. [You know how Asians are so keen on showing respect, right?] It shows that you don't really care or give 2 hoots of what I'm saying. This is a matter which is important to me, and it would nice if you stopped, and thought about it, and told me your thoughts. That's all.

My dad always has these little "life lessons" for us as kids. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I disagree. This is one of the times, I agree after I've experienced it.

Fast forward to this week. I was trying to plan my grad trip with B., and asked my friend if she wanted to join.

Instead of saying yes or no, she just shrugged and said, "I don't know. I don't really care."

I flash back to that conversation my dad and I had. Even though it probably wasn't said with bad intentions. At that moment, I believe I felt exactly the way my dad did.

I know that not everyone is certain of what they want to do (travels, jobs, money, etc etc). I've asked a few people who might be interested in the trip, and I don't need a concrete answer. Just a thoughtful and honest one. I usually do get straight answers (ie. yes, I'm interested, but I am constrained by ......... , or, no, I'm not interested.)

I was trying to plan a trip. I was spending money, time and effort. A lot of time, money, and effort. I don't like going into things half-heartedly. The "I don't care" really felt like a slap in the face. Like it didn't matter. At all.

I guess, like my dad, I just wanted a straight up answer. Like father, like daughter.