Case of the Ex

Another name for this post can be Chocolate Almond Croissant: Part II. This is going to be a long post.

So, I thought that now might be a good time to recap on what happened after Almond and I broke up. This is more for me to get out of my system, since I have never been able to bring myself to put this to paper. It also puts it in perspective.

After Almond and I broke up, some weird stuff happened between us. First, I just was so angry and hurt that I ignored him for a while. It felt like ages and ages to me, in reality, it was about a month and a half.

It was terrible and I am so thankful and grateful for the support of my friends and family. They are the ones who sat with me in the washroom as I cried (I’m not much of a crying-in-front-of-other-people person), bought me Hagan Daaz ice cream, made me peanut butter and chocolate chip brownies while we sat and bitched about my ex.

Might I add that the first Christmas after a break up is horrible. The guy actually had the nerve to send me an email that was so blaming and guilt ridden to make me feel bad for trying to move on with my life. I have never been able to read that email, again. Basically, he hacked my email and read every one for the past month since I refused to talk to him. Then, he had the nerve to tell me that he has been miserable while I have been out with guys.

So what if I started to go swimming with my hot swimmer friend who wanted to give me lessons. It’s no longer any of his business, right? It's not like I rubbed it in his face. He went through my private stuff. Anyway, he made me feel like crap and very guilty. And so, I agreed to meet up with him.

Mistake numero uno. I know. On hindsight, I should not have gone. But sometimes, it's nice to know that I tried to give him a chance even when he didn't deserve one. Sometimes.

We met for coffee. It was obvious that stuff between us wasn’t over. We talked, laughed. And I honestly forgot about all the shit he put me through. We did a little more than kiss. It was good. Better than good.

He wanted to get back together. I said it was a bad idea. I was going off to exchange in Singapore and I knew how he is long distance relationships -- terrible. I would be waiting for his calls, and they wouldn’t come. I would get annoyed and it would just be a damper on my trip. I wanted a break, but we’ll see when I get back. The time apart would give us both some time to figure things out.

We talked, emailed, msn-ed, while I was in Singapore. And a part of me was looking forward to seeing him when I got back to Canada. Who knows, maybe we’ll get back together. I had gone out with a couple guys (more to come on that) and I just didn’t really feel anything. Maybe Almond and I had something special. Who knows?

Almond was graduating that spring, so he went on a 6 week grad trip after his exams. He didn’t’ get back until June, and that’s when we met up.

Perhaps my expectations were held too high. See, I thought that he would realize that he made a mistake. In his frustrated and depressed state of endless job hunting, home problems, school projects, figuring out life in general, and a relationship, he lashed out at the one thing that he could depend on.

I mean, it’s not like he was going to write an email to Microsoft demanding a job or interview. He had no control over that. The way I see it, he saw me as a factor he could control. I didn’t expect us to get back together, or anything, but what I really wanted was an apology for how he handled the situation. Besides, I was always there for him. For five years. I guess he thought that I would fight for us, no matter what.

Backtracking.

Almond said that I didn't fight for us. But I did fight for us. Our break up devastated me. I asked him to reconsider what he was doing, even though I was hurting like hell right after it happened.

I told him he was stressed out, and I was not the cause of it. None of it worked, and I was hurting too much to keep trying. Obviously, he wasn’t taking care of me anymore, and I needed to take care of myself, now.

I had troubles concentrating on studying for exams, I was so afraid I would just barely pass. Every time I looked out the window, my mind spun, as to what went wrong and what I could have done differently.

Was I too bossy? Was I not needy enough? Maybe I should have put up with more since he was going through a tough time. I asked myself so many "what if" questions.

I realize, there comes a time when you have to give up the fight. I think that time comes when the other person has already given up – or expects you to want the relationship to work more than them. Both are bad, in my books. That was the situation I was in.

I later learn that what he wanted to happen was for me to ask for us to get back together, again. That would show him that I cared about us. Seriously. In fact, he said that, if I had theoretically been the one to break up with him, he would have asked me to get back together. Of course, because that would’ve have shown that he cared. Right. This made no sense to me whatsoever.

I told him that if I had broken up with him, I would not expect him to ask me to take him back. I would want him to move on. And for the record, we’re not in elementary school, anymore. Who plays such immature games? Honestly. I felt like he was a completely different person. The man, whom I loved, was replaced by a twelve year old with a big ego. Damn it.

Fast forward.

After Almond came back from his graduation trip, we met up. I'm not going into any details, but basically, it seemed like he put no thought into it.

He didn't feel bad about the crap he put me through, or for acting so childish. He still insisted on the same things -- that I should've fought for us. That I should have asked to get back together instead of trying to move on. That I was wrong for trying to move on. That I was wrong to want to need my space. etc etc.

He made it sound like I owed him a friendship just because we were together for 5 years. Like I was being selfish for not wanting him in my life until I get myself back on track. It was really frustrating.

For some reason, I still thought about giving us a chance. I told him then, that if wanted to try, I was willing, but this is the only chance he's getting. Because if he's not taking this chance, I've obviously wasted more than enough time on him.

Then he gives me some crap about how we just couldn't be together. That we are just fundamentally wrong. I asked for examples.

Honest to god, I'm not lying when I tell you he used these 2 examples.

1) When I went to Booster Juice one time, I got him a strawberry banana shake. He said he didn't like banana and that I should've know that. I apologized and said I forgot that the flavour had banana in it. He kept whining about how I should have known, and that I really don't know him, if I got him banana. Then, I got annoyed and told him if he didn't want it, then don't drink it. So basically, I should not have gotten him banana. Because the guy doesn't like banana.

2) When I first move to my new place, I gave him the wrong directions to get to my house. I have a really bad sense of directions, but also, roads in Waterloo do not run parallel or perpendicular all the way. They wind and curve and do crazy things. So, needless to say, he didn't make it to my place until after a very big detour. He was biking and he was tired and sweaty and I felt terrible. It was an accident. But that was the second example he gave me.

Go figure. Guys can be such fucking idiots. Seriously.

I need a margarita.

** Despite what the bunny says, I've been able to get past this. I really don't hate him or anything. I just don't think it's necessary to talk or pretend to be friends, since I can't really trust him as a friend. I only wish him the best. Those were some really great times we shared, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but it's also time to leave the past in the past, and move on with my life.

Still, it doesn't hurt to put on Daughtry's Over You, right now. :)

A "Guy's Bed"

I just realized that I have been sleeping in a "guy's bed" for the past few years of my life.

First, let me explain what I mean by "guy's bed."

des's definitions (with ideas taken from a post by my bloggy buddy, SO@24)

guy's bed: a bed that is functional. Most likely has a maximum of one pillow -- despite it being larger than a twin or single size bed. The thread count is most likely at a minimum -- whatever was on sale at Zellers or Wal-Mart at the big back to school sale.

girl's bed: a bed that is not only functional, but also comfortable and pretty. There are at least 2 pillows and probably a couple more "throw pillows", at least one (cute and furry) teddy bear, sheets are soft and silky -- at least 800 - 1000 thread count. The comforter probably comes in a matching set to the pillows and sheets. Not only is it a place to catch some zzz's, but its also a little slice of heaven.

So, now that I am a young, working professional. I am ready to buy my first piece of furniture -- which, for your information, is going to be a bed. I love my sleep, so this is going to take some research and investigation. I am determined to sleep in a "girl's bed", by the time I move into my new apartment in October. With my many soft and comfy pillows and matching sheet sets.

Ikea. Here I come. We're going to be seeing a lot of each other this summer. :)

Thoughts on Love Abroad

OK, I still haven't gotten pictures from the girls yet. Darn it. I can't believe how busy everyone is. But they will come soon. In the meantime, I will bore you with my reflections of "love" that I had while one this trip.

It's funny the thoughts that come into one's head while traveling. You have so much time it seems, and your mind wanders, whether you like it or not. It could be on a long train ride, waiting (yet again) for a delayed flight, drifting along the Nile, watching a sunset, climbing a mountain, watching a sunrise. You get it.

I guess one of the thoughts that hit me really hard was: "I can be happy again with someone new". I know. That took long enough, eh?! When I imagined myself -- perhaps traveling with a significant other -- the image was no longer of Almond. In fact, in wasn't of anyone in particular (most of the time) -- just a mysterious Mr. X.

Now, I truly believe (not just convinced by rationality) that I can really find someone who would love me for who I am, and I can love back with all my heart. It's taken me a while to get to this point. I've taken a look back on my relationship, and realized that I have indeed grown significantly as a person and as a (potential) lover and partner.

The most important part being that the relationship I have with myself is a lot healthier. I have more of an idea of what I want in my life, and more importantly, what my values are. I have learned to take a little more risk, but also learned to let things slide if they don't work out. I have learned to forgive myself, and other people, of mistakes or miscommunications, or whatever, but also know that it's alright to feel hurt and angry for a while.

Carrie Bradshaw once said,

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Before I left on my trip, Almond had emailed me and wanted to know how things were in my life and wanted to get together. I felt obligated to see him, but I said I would let him know when I get back. After weighing the pro's and con's, I feel it may be better not to see him right now. I'm pretty sure he has a new girlfriend, and though I do feel happy for him. I don't think I'm ready to see him. Plain and simple.

I'm happy where I am in my life right now, and I'm afraid seeing him will mess things up. I get to be a little selfish, right?

I'm BACK!!! :)

It feels great to be home -- always the best part of any journey.

I have been keeping a travel journal and have done pretty well with keeping up with most of it. I still have to add the last days of Egypt and the Germany parts. Other than that, my adventures in the land of the sun (Egypt), has been well documented with all of our quirkiness and stories.

First things, first though. I must do some serious laundry, make some phone calls, eat up some yummy home cooked food, watch the food network, pick out something decent for convocation tomorrow ...

So updates will probably be up in the next week or so. Unfortunately, my camera was stolen in the markets of Cairo, so I will need to get some of the photos from my travel buddies. So stay tuned!

I thought it would be neat to share a list of the things I missed while traveling.

* My family
* Laundry with a laundry machine instead of by hand-- painful
* Veggies and rice (my family bet on which one I would miss more)
* My music -- no iPod for 5 weeks
* Singing aloud to tunes
* My laptop
* Cooking (can't wait to try out my spices from Egypt!)
* Wearing shorts
* Seeing signs in English
* Timmie's everything bagel with herb'n garlic cream cheese (yummie)
* Fruits
* My bed
* Conditioner (my poor hair has been baked in the desert sun)
* Bubble baths

The above is in no particular order.

Ok, enough time wasted. Must do laundry. Ciao!

Count down to Egypt and Germany begins ...

I'm about 48 hours away from leaving my house for my graduation trip.

I don't like having long count downs, you know - 17 weeks until [enter super fun activity here]. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it just makes me feel old. Like my life isn't really worth living until then. 48 hours, I can deal with not doing much except running around like a maniac to prepare for my trip.

So I'm a travel junkie. This started when I had a work term in Boston (first time I stepped foot off of Canadian soil!), and then my 4 months of exchange in Singapore consisted of various adventures in Malaysia (Kuala Lampur and Taman Negara), Indonesia, Thailand (Bangkok and Krabi), Vietnam and Cambodia. Major, major dosage of traveling for myself, a newbie. Then a couple of short trips, with my family to Cuba and Montreal last summer. Tres fun.

Traveling felt much like having my eyes opened for the first time to all the wonders I had no idea existed in the world. I felt so naive and ignorant. So insignificant, yet realize it is people -- individual much like you and I -- who shape the history of our world. Since it was my first time traveling, I was learning a lot. I was lucky to have friends who have had some experience traveling before, and they were equipped with Lonely Planet guides and first aid kits, and other essentials.

I also learned a lot myself. I learned that I loved learning about different cultures and also about where I came from. My dad was born in Vietnam and my mom was born in Cambodia. I was blessed to have the opportunity to visit their homeland.

I learned (not just believed) how fortunate I was to be born in Canada and have so many opportunities (freedom, women's rights, education - to name a few) that many people can only dream about. I saw -- first hand -- how fortunate I was to be given the opportunity to be multi-lingual, and how there are so many languages I want to learn. I also learned how much culture is reflected in the languages of different countries. In my feeble attempt to learn Vietnamese.

I learned that no matter where I go, no matter how many cool sites I see, the best part of journey is coming home and being able to share it with the people I cared about. My family and friends.

I also learned a lot about myself as a traveler. I learned that I am definitely not a country hopper. I would much rather spend more time in one single country and immersing myself in it's culture than seeing many countries in a short amount of time. It feels unjust for me to spend only a couple of days in country and claiming I have "been there."

I also don't like to herded around like cattle. You know those, like those Chinese tours, where they stop at a city and you have 15 minutes to explore. Then you're herded back onto the bus for another 10 hour ride. Yea. Not my cup of tea. It feels unjust to the country I am visiting and to the people who are visiting.

So unless the place I'm traveling to is unsafe without a guide (ie. trekking in the Himilayas, Central and South American (?) ), I usually try to stay away from tours. Another exception is when I want to learn a lot the history, especially at historically significant sites. I can only get so much from staring at rubble :)

I will keep updating this blog with stories of my travels, so check back if you are interested. In the meantime, here are some of the things on our itinerary:

Watching Egyptian Belly dancing. Maybe take some classes? So beautiful!
Visiting the port of Alexandria. Named after Alexander the Great from the Greek Empire.
Of course, the Pyramids of Giza. I have to ride a camel here.
Visiting the Western Desserts. Ever heard of sand surfing? What else would you do in a dessert, right?Diving in the Red Sea. I heard they have awesome wreck dives. Good thing I know how to swim this time around!
Visiting Mount Sinai. Isn't this gorgeous?
Visiting the mosques and museums of Cairo.
Visiting Luxor and the Valley of the Kings. Hello, Ramses the Great and King Tut. King Tut was actually a very insignificant figure in terms of contribution to the Egyptian History, but more to come on that later.
Of course, I have to ride a felucca along the Nile. This looks so peaceful and gorgeous.
_____________________________________________
Update: I just transferred some of my old posts (from my exchange term last year) of my travels to this blog. I also added some more pictures -- some mine, others googled. I also realize my grammar was not-so-good, so please bear with me. The links in this post link to the respective entries. Or you can do what I would do, and just look at the pictures! Enjoy =)

Rant post on the ex

It's spring, so isn't love supposed to be in the air?! Love, where art thou? Ok, forget love. How about just "like" - in that mushy-butterflies-in-your-stomach kind of way?

So, there is more to the story of myself and Almond than Part I. More to come later (in Part II). The later bits aren't so nice.

I don't understand why it is so hard for me to move on. It's not like I haven't gone out and dated. I've met some great people. But it seems so complicated. Was "love"or even "like" always this complicated?

When there was chemistry, the guy was not so great. When there is a great guy, there seems to be no chemistry. What's a girl supposed to do?

To be honest, stepping into the working world, I have no idea how to even meet new people. At school, you can meet people in clubs and sports. Is it the same in the working aka real world?

My ex doesn't seem to be having any problems in this department. I know I sound bitter when I say this. I don't mean to be.

Backtrack:

When we had our talk (after our "break") Almond was in a bad stage in his life.

He still didn't have a job. He had no idea where he was going in life. He sounded like a lost puppy who barely knew his own name. He said he was no where near being able to handle a relationship and could not bear to hurt me again. He said he wasn't sure when he'd be ready for one and thought it would be unfair to ask me to wait (damn right!).

I felt really bad for him. But I also needed time alone. It's hard for me to separate my emotions when it comes to him. So I asked him to give me time on my own. He had trouble understanding this. For some reason, he thought I was being unfair to him by "taking away" my friendship.

Fast forward:

A couple months after our talk, it seems he got over his fear of relationships pretty quickly. Go figure.

After that one didn't work out, he soon got into another one.

It's not that I don't want him to be happy. That's not it at all. I just wonder why it seems so easy for him to go from one relationship to another, whereas I feel like I'm stuck.

How come it's so hard for me to move on? It's not like I have commitment problems, right? Am I too picky? Am I protecting myself too much? Is it cause I haven't met the right guy, yet? Or wait - is there something wrong with me?

Facebook is a horrible thing. I used to think that I was mature enough to handle information about my ex, so I kept him on my "friends list." I stayed away from the FB stalking pretty well, but I crumble under the stupid mini feed. Grrr..... Damn you, FB!

Anyway, I realized today, that I am not that strong. Seeing my ex with his new gf frolicking at the beach is not something I can stomach. (I actually didn't see that picture, I saw a picture of my cousin's ex doing that. And realized that if it was Almond with his new gf, it is definitely not my cup of tea) My first FB friend deletion today.

Life goes on. Exhale.

Wedding bells.

No, they are not my wedding bells. I would require a man for that, first.

I am referring to the wedding bells of my bff from high school, H. Though it's been tough, we've kept in touch throughout college and grab lunch or dinner whenever I'm in town. On my birthday, she called me to wish me happy birthday, and also tell me of the good news.

H. is of a traditional Indian background, and even in our high school days, our views towards relationships differed somewhat. She believed in arranged marriages, whereas I did not feel so strongly about it. I believe they work for some people, but I don't think it's the thing for me. H. was getting an arranged marriage.

This took a little time for me to digest. But of course, I support her 150% and told her that whatever she needed me to do, I would. So, for the next few months (after I get back from my grad trip) I will be super busy, planning, organizing and running errands. I'm actually really excited.

There seems to be a million things that need to be done. She's super organized, and we're going out for dinner to talk about what I need to do later this week. I think I need to get one of those day planner thing-ies.

Best part is. I get to wear a sari. They are so elegant and beautiful. I hope I will be able to the sari some justice.


Who knows. Maybe I'll meet some hot brown dude at the wedding ;)

Daikon Cake... yummm

All my life, I have known this dish to be "white carrot cake" until last night. This is one of my all time favourite dishes to order at dim sum. It's a great comfort food, and really delicious.

Anywho, this weekend, Daikon was on sale at the local supermarket (4 for $1) and some we bought a bunch. Last night, my mom decided to make this Daikon cake, and teach me how to do it, as well.

If you know me, I'm a 30 minute kind of cook. One of the things I learned about Chinese cooking is that there can be a tonne of preparation, and me, well, I'm all about the short cuts. There were no short cuts about this dish, so I was a bit skeptical if I would ever tackle it on my own.

Turns out the dish was quite simple to make, though it did take some time. I think I can do it.

This is my mom's quick recipe. (I have to check the packages for sizes)

Ingredients:
2 medium sized Daikon shredded
1 package of rice flour
1/3 package of wheat flour
sugar, salt, pepper, sesame oil and green onions to flavour
stirred fried mushrooms, dried shrimps, sausage (whatever you like)
water
oil

1. Peel and shred the Daikon. Cook in boiling water.

2. Mix rice flour, wheat flour, and seasonings together. Slowly add water to mixture and mix until it is a creamy consistency. Add a little oil to mixture.

3. Pour in creamy mixture to boiling Daikon mixture and stir.

4. Turn the heat to low and continue stirring out lumps. Add in stirred fried ingredients and mix.

5. Transfer mixture to a well oiled pan and steam for about 40 minutes.

6. Serve "soft" or pan fried (must wait for it to cool overnight, first) with your choice of sauce. I like my dad's fish sauce with hot sauce.

I know the directions are rough, but I found another site with a recipe that seems more precise.

Though I still stick to my 30 minute meals, this will do for special occasions. :)

Photos: curiously ravenous

Why can't Dad cook!?

Just wondering.

Chocolate Almond Croissant: Part I

My ex boyfriend.

I guess I should take this moment to back track a little and give a bit of background information on my past relationship.

I was in a 5 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I'm going to call him Almond (after the first dessert we shared, a Chocolate Almond Croissant from Michel's)

We met in high school. He was a year older and his locker was next to mine. We were in the same French and Finite class. I thought he was really cute. He was also smart. He answered most of the bonus questions in my Finite class. He was also a little shy, and he looked put together.

I went to a Catholic high school and most of the guys always have their dress shirts all wrinkly, untucked and wore their pants pretty much around their ankles. Almond's shirts would be ironed, and tucked into his dress pants (but not in a dorky way). He always wore a belt, and dress shoes.

Anyway, we started talking and hanging out a lot. I've never dated anyone before. I don't even think I had a guy like me and tell me before. It was all so new and it felt so good.

He was a real sweetheart. He'd always walk me home after school, even though he lived 5 minutes away and I lived a good 15 minutes away in the opposite direction. We'd just walk and talk. There was so much to talk about. He was a great listener and we shared a lot of interesting ideas.

He'd walk me home even in the winter. Winters are not so nice in Toronto. And this made it even sweeter. Though I did feel guilty on the cold days, and told him not to. In the spring and summer, we'd walk through the park and sit on the bench, or in the grass - just talking. I was really happy.

I remember when he first held my hand. We were sitting on the park bench near my house. Our usual stop. I remember his hand was so much bigger than mine. His nails were always trimmed. I rested my head on his shoulders, and he put his other arm around me. Still holding onto my other hand.

We just sat like that for a very long time. It's cliche to say, but I can still remember every moment as clear as day.

We confessed our feelings to each other. He told me he thought I was beautiful. No one had ever told me that before. Parents don't count. I told him I have no idea how to kiss someone, and was scared to mess it up. He said he didn't know either, but assured me he really wanted to kiss me. Then we kissed.

The kiss was basically us pursing out lips together for about 10 seconds. It felt like forever. lol. I guess I was expecting fire works or something to happen. But it was perfect. It was sweet. It was so simple. I could never forget that kiss.

Then he walked me the rest of the way home. With a couple more pecks here and there, since that's all we knew about kissing at that time. We were so giddy and so happy.

I remember one of the most thoughtful gifts I've received was a business suit from Almond on our second Christmas together. Yes, Almond bought me clothes. He was brave. He thought I could use it for my upcoming co-op interviews. He also said that he wanted to see me in it. Guys. :)

He took my sister, S. with him so she could act as a model. He didn't want to give away the surprise. He ended buying me a size 6 or 8. I was a size 0. lol. But it was so sweet. We just got it exchanged, and he liked it even more when it fit properly. I call it my lucky suit.

Fast forwarding a little. Almond and I had a beautiful relationship. He went off to university a year before me, but our relationship grew stronger. Talking on the phone, I still have the letter he sent me on his first week of school. He was out at movies with some new friends. And thought of me and missed me. When he was back in his dorm, he wrote me a letter when an email would have sufficed. I loved it.

I went up to visit him a few times, and met his new friends. They were all really nice, and I keep in touch with them to this day. Anyway, after I left, he told me his friend (who hadn't had a girl friend before) asked him, why he held my hand all the time. lol. He answered, "Because I like to."

Then I went off to university. We were both in engineering at the same nerd university, so we got to see each other during school and even lived together for a while.

For our work terms, we either went off to different places, or stayed in Toronto when there was no where cool that would hire us. He spent four months in Silicon Valley - Santa Clara, California and I spent four months in Boston, Massachusetts. He was very encouraging of me, and I tried to be also of him.

Long distance relationships are hard, but we pulled through. We both learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and about compromising.

Then, things started to not go well in Fall of 2006. He got really stressed with having to find a job after graduating, and I still think that is one of the main causes of our break up. It's hard to say.

He was really unhappy, and playing more and more video games. They were his escape from a bad day at work, or lack of responses from his job applications. I remembered I would go over on Friday nights, and fall asleep waiting for him to finish "this quest." WoW. You know what I'm talking about, guys.

I tried to be understanding, and I even tried to help. But his response to my suggestions, were often, "you don't understand." I guess I didn't.

I would get angry when he would break promises or plans because he had to finish his computer game quest. Again and again. I would get angry, then feel bad for getting angry because he was going through a tough time. It's a very vicious cycle.

One day not long after, I was just really upset. I called up my girlfriend, J. and confided in her. I was crying. Then Almond called. He could tell I was upset and wanted to come over. I said no, it's not a big deal. He came over anyway.

He asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to say, because it was him. It's not that I didn't tell him these things, I just didn't want to get mad at him, again. Then he asked me if he was making me unhappy.

That was a hard question. Lately he was making my unhappy, but he made me so happy before. I just thought we were going through a rough time. After we got through this hurdle, I was sure things would get better.

He didn't agree. He was silent for a while.

I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "About us." I asked him if he was thinking about breaking up. He didn't answer me. Silence can be a horrible thing. But it is an answer.

I started to cry. I buried my head in my pillow and hid under the covers. I told him to leave me alone.

He tried to hold me, and kept apologizing. He said he didn't want it to end this way. I kept pushing him away. Literally. I just wanted him to leave me alone. He said he wasn't leaving until I got up.

Somehow I got up. I don't even remember what I said or what he said. I just knew that when he was about to leave, I kept telling him not to go. Like he was walking out of my life. His last words were, "[Des] I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

That was the worst day of my life. This is the first time in almost 2 years that I have the guts to write about it.

Exhale.

My Dad

I was reading another blogger's post on her dad, and thought, what a great time to write about mine!

My dad. A loving and supporting husband, father, uncle and friend.

I am the oldest of his three daughters. Yes, he always gets teased about being out numbered by females, but don't you worry. My dad can stand his ground.

Growing up, my dad hasn't always been the same person to me, and I haven't always been able to relate to him the same way. My parents have always been very strict, and when I was little, I would be afraid of my dad. I dreaded when he found out about my mischief.

My dad has this presence that can be very intimidating. Just ask my ex-boyfriend (lol....).

My dad was never the type to give me money to go out and buy new clothes or electronics. In fact, I didn't own a cell phone until I could afford my own.

My dad taught me to value money and work hard for it. I had part time jobs during high school, and have paid my way through (most of) my university.

My dad did not take my family on vacations to exotic beaches and islands, we were too poor for that. My dad took us to CNE and Ontario Place (with those free tickets, of course), Wasaga Beach, the zoo, and camping every summer without fail.

Every weekend, we would drive over to the local library and take out a stack of books. Though I'm pretty sure he'd rather stay at home and watch tv, instead of running around with 3 crazy little girls. He's a trooper.

My dad didn't take us to fancy restaurants for birthday celebrations, ie. no Chuck E Cheese or Discovery Zone. Instead, he'd whip up his specialty fried noodles with chives and garlic, a dish of steamed fish, and my mom would steam a cake. I was embarrassed as a kid, and would only invite my best friend over.

Only recently, we start going to restaurants for these special occasions. It wasn't that great. We quickly told my parents that we preferred celebrating at home. Though, it's a little sad that we didn't realize how great we had things until we're older.

Even though we didn't do poorly in school. My parents would always go to a parent-teacher interview if we had less than an A+ on midterms. Seriously. Talk about pressure. But now I know they did it because they cared. Though, they did have high expectations. Asian parents. **shakes head** =)

Through the years, my dad went from being someone I feared, to someone I really respected. Now, he is someone I can also talk to and relate at the same level. Much like a friend. We have come a long way. I can tell him what's on my mind, and I think he can, too.

I can talk to him about my break up, and he understands my pain. But also encourages me to learn from it, cherish the moments and move forward.

I tell him about my fears of stepping into the working world, and feeling like I have to be a grown up, when I have more unanswered questions and thoughts than answers. He reassures me that things will work out just fine.

I tell him of my thoughts of moving to the west coast. He tells me he'll miss his little girl, but will be happy to support me if that's what I want to do.

There's a million other things I could write, but then, this post will never end and I'd probably end up with tears on the keyboards (therefore, cementing the imminent death of my laptop), and you'd have fallen asleep from boredom.

My dad. The greatest, yet most humble man I know.

I'm so lucky to have a such a great role model.

You can't cheat your first kiss

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something.
You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head.
So that when your lips finally touch, you feel it everywhere.
A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.
You can't cheat your first kiss, Nicole.
Trust me, you don't want to.
Because when you find that right person, a first kiss, is everything.

One of my favourite quotes from Grey's. Alex Karev can have his moments. This is one of them.

I can recall every moment of my first kiss. Sigh. That'll be another post.

Whatever... It matters.

I'm trying not to censor myself with this blog. I think it's hard for me. To some extent, I like to please people, like most of us. So here goes, with something that's been bothering me for the past little while.


Back track to when I was wee little, say about 13 years old. In a conversation with my dad, he asked me for my opinion, or what to do (about a topic which I don't recall).

Dad: Des, what would you like to do.
Des: I don't know dad. It doesn't really matter.

Pause.

Dad: Des, this is something that I wanted your opinion in.
Des: [shrugs] I really don't know, dad. It doesn't really matter.

I wasn't not trying to be one of those rebel teenagers who show no emotions or cares. It's just that it didn't really matter either way.

My dad takes a deep breath.

Dad: Des, you might not realize this, but by shrugging off my question you are disrespecting me. [You know how Asians are so keen on showing respect, right?] It shows that you don't really care or give 2 hoots of what I'm saying. This is a matter which is important to me, and it would nice if you stopped, and thought about it, and told me your thoughts. That's all.

My dad always has these little "life lessons" for us as kids. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I disagree. This is one of the times, I agree after I've experienced it.

Fast forward to this week. I was trying to plan my grad trip with B., and asked my friend if she wanted to join.

Instead of saying yes or no, she just shrugged and said, "I don't know. I don't really care."

I flash back to that conversation my dad and I had. Even though it probably wasn't said with bad intentions. At that moment, I believe I felt exactly the way my dad did.

I know that not everyone is certain of what they want to do (travels, jobs, money, etc etc). I've asked a few people who might be interested in the trip, and I don't need a concrete answer. Just a thoughtful and honest one. I usually do get straight answers (ie. yes, I'm interested, but I am constrained by ......... , or, no, I'm not interested.)

I was trying to plan a trip. I was spending money, time and effort. A lot of time, money, and effort. I don't like going into things half-heartedly. The "I don't care" really felt like a slap in the face. Like it didn't matter. At all.

I guess, like my dad, I just wanted a straight up answer. Like father, like daughter.

Can I see your proof of ID, please?

My last few days as an undergraduate student are nearing. Last night I went out to a bar with my sister and some friends for drinks. It wasn't planned, so I didn't have all my cards with me, including my driver's license.

Waitress: Can I please see ID from everyone?
Me: Darn it. I don't have mine with me. But, I am in my last term of fourth year. Do you have to see it?

[Note: I was the oldest of the group. The legal drinking age in Ontario is 19, and I am turning 24 next week. I'm pretty sure I don't look 19, though I wouldn't mind if I did. ]

Waitress: No, I'm sorry. I can't serve you alcohol.
Me: I write my very last undergrad exam on Monday. Does that count for anything?
Waitress: Sorry.
Me: That's ok. Can I get a glass of water please. With lemon.

Great. I sounded like a desperate, underage alcoholic.

It was still a fun night. We watched Nip / Tuck and TLC's What not to Wear on the booth's little TV's (which are probably meant for sports because we had to blast the volume way up and lean in to catch any part of the dialog).

I think I'll miss it when I'm not ID-ed.

Exploring Egypt and Germany!

7 May 2008.
Toronto, Canada to Frankfurt, Germany.
17 May 2008.
Frankfurt, Germany to Cairo, Egypt.
8 June 2008.
Cairo, Egypt back to Frankfurt, Germany.
12 June 2008.
Frankfurt, Germany back to Toronto, Canada.

Yes, I am a travel junkie. This obsession (or love of mine) actually started about two and a half years ago. I got offered an internship at a consulting company in Boston (yes, the great city of Bah-ston!). Having never set foot off of Canadian soil before, I was really excited and scared.

My time in Boston was amazing. I loved the city, all the old fashioned houses, the easy going attidudes, the delicious food, the people and culture, and I loved taking weekend trips up to NYC. I loved NYC. Broadway Musicals. You can't get any better than Broadway.

I also went on an academic exchange last year (Jan - April 2007) to Singapore and did a bit of traveling around South east Asia.

I met some pretty awesome fellow travelers and we had a lot of fun exploring the cities and national rainforest of Malaysia (Kuala Lampur and Taman Negara), the beaches and limestone cliffs of Thailand (Railey beach), some ancient ruins and beautiful diving spots of my parents' homelands, Cambodia and Vietnam - just to name the highlights.

Traveling gives me such a high. It's the combination of sights, sounds, taste and smell of a new place. It's like I'm stepping into a story book, or a picture. People can be so different, but at the same time, be the same.

Seeing ancient ruins is probably one of my favourite things right now. This revelation stems from my time spent at the Angkor Wat Temples in Cambodia. It's truly amazing stepping onto the same staircases, doorways, or corridors where people who lived centuries before me once walked.

This is are a couple of my favourite pictures from Cambodia.


Fast forward to now. I have been debating a grad trip SOMEWHERE for a while now. I haven't been to too many places, so I'm just excited to step out off this Torontonian soil and see the world. Cities, castles, ruins, landscape, mountains - you name it.

For the past couple weeks, I've been toying with the idea of a trip to Central America or South America, as mentioned in my first post. After doing some research, my friend, B. and I realized it will be wet season in May, and not a good time for the trip. Sigh. But no fear, B.'s friend had asked her if she wanted to join on a trip to Egypt, and B asked me if I wanted to do that instead.

Egypt! I was super psyched! So we started to look into flights and whether we wanted to book tours or not, stops along the way, etc etc. I also have a high school friend who is teaching there, so we even have a local contact! Major plus ;).

Anyway, I'll stop goofing around on Blogger now and do some actual research. These pictures of Egypt count as research, too, right?

Egypt Villager with his Donkey

Temple of Kom Ombo.

Of course, the Gizo Pyramids.

White Dessert.

Marketplace.

Faleccu's along the Nile River

Photo Sources: John Wardell, Hiro008*, Gari Baldi, MBell1975

Good Morning, Goose

So I'm sure you've all heard of the rooster wake up call, or even experienced it first hand - like myself. However, have you had a goose wake up call, specifically by a Canada Goose? No? Lucky you. Yes? Welcome to the club (high five!).

A little background on these geese. On my campus we have A LOT of them roaming around. I've even seen some stick around for the winter! Honestly, these are the most ego-tistical lot of geese I've ever met. They think they own the place.

They poo everywhere. I mean everywhere. They make their nests in the most crowded places, and hiss at everyone who walks by. One year, one couple made their love nest at the entrance of our school gym. Yea. My school ended up building a fence around them to protect the students. Hilarious.

Oh! Another time I almost tripped on one because it was walking in front of me and refused to get out of the way. Apparently, I was supposed to walk around the goose. My bad. They are rude little critters, aren't they? Or maybe I'm just full of myself, being a human and all.

Anyway, back to this morning. So at 8am, Mr Canada Goose (let's call him CG, for short) decides to perch himself at the roof of my low rise apartment and perform his mating calls for the next hour. Maybe this location allowed for him to have a maximum honking range, I'm not sure (the geese on my campus are smart like that). This location was also right outside my window.

I was not happy with this rude awakening. I opened and slammed my window shut, hoping the noise would scare CG off. No such luck. I should've known.

I end up getting up, go out onto the balcony, try to yell at it and wave my arms. CG just stared at me, with a taunting look, knowing I couldn't reach him.

Now, don't get me wrong, I usually love animals, and would never want to hurt them. But when my sleep is disturbed, my priorities are a little blurred.

I go back into my apartment. Break off two cloves of garlic, and stomp back out to the balcony. I hurl the garlic at CG. No, I didn't hit him. Although I did have pretty good aim. It whizzed by him. It did not scare him off. He gave me a look that seemed to say, "Garlic cloves. That's the best you got?"

Defeated. By a goose.

Photo source: justgettingstarted

Summer Lovin'

The weather is absolutely gorgeous outside! Went out for a walk in the park after my exam, and all that my friend and I could think about were the cute dresses we wanted to wear. Winter has taken its toll on us. Ask any Canadian.

Anyway, back to cute dresses. So, I absolutely refuse to be an engineer without any sense of style or fashion. And, there are quite a few of those. Been there, done that. Don't want to go there, again.

My job will consist of about 50% on site time and 50% in office time. Old jeans, polo, construction boots and a hard hat for on-site wear. Think engineering nerd. Very sexy.


For the time I spend in the office, I can be creative. Think dresses or cool tops paired with a blazer or cardigan, and a pair of fun sandals.

After perusing Forever21, Costa Blanca, and Naturalizer, I have come up with the beginnings of my summer wish list.

1) Forever21 Janie Cotton Dress


2) Costa Blanca dresses

3) Naturalizer Heels and Sling-back Wedges

4) Hand bags (my first grown bag as a working professional)


Just need that first pay check before I start buying anything. I also must manage my finances, too. I just downloaded a very cool looking spreadsheet with lots of bright colors from Fabulously Broke in the City. Can't wait to try it out after finals.

Enough rambling for today. Dinner time. Then, night run. Sleep by 10:30pm. Be up early to cram for Thursday final. Life is awesome.

Photo source: joggervk007

Moi = Employed Engineer

So, it's official. I am now employed. Just signed the offer yesterday and sent it off to my future employer.

Wow. This is a new chapter in my life, and I'm excited.

The interview process and job search wasn't too grueling, and I ended up with an all-expenses-paid trip to the west coast over my spring break (interview with another firm). Yay! I got to spend a week seeing Vancouver, Seattle and Portland - for free. Like I mentioned before, I love to travel, but tuition has been taking a toll on my finances (aka broke).

The firm offered me the position with a pretty good benefit package, however, the location was in Portland, instead of my first choice - Vancouver. I liked Portland during my time there, though I wasn't sure if I'd be ready to make the move to live there. It was very different than what I was used to in Toronto. More of a small town feel to it. It was an internal turmoil - of taking a big step into the unknown. Or not.

After much pondering, I decided not to take the job. Sigh.

I interviewed with 2 more companies - who had offices on the west coast, but also in Toronto, as well. We spoke about opportunities of traveling and it looks promising. I'm excited to start in July.

Until then, I must graduate first. So, time to read over those notes. One last time. Exam in 2 hours.

Photo source: Alberto_sechi

Cookies!!!

My friend A. baked too many cookies this weekend and dropped some off for me. Yummy. So delicious. Sharing is caring.


Photo source: erinshappylittleworld

More Addicting than....

That's right. Blogger is more addicting than Facebook. I keep having this urge to make it look uber cool and sophisticated since it's supposed to reflect a new phase in my life.

Ok, fine, I'm procrastinating.

Just added some music from Playlist, and playing around with it. Ok. That's it. Time to get dressed and hit the library and study.